Jokes

Post by **trucker2000** » Thu Dec 29, 2005 7:40 pm

My Dear Friends,

As the holidays approach, my heartfelt appreciation goes out to all
of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me "forwards"
over the past 12 months. Thank you for making me feel safe, secure,
blessed, and wealthy. Extra thanks to whoever sent me the one about
rat crap in the glue on envelopes cause I now have to go get a wet
towel every time I need to seal an envelope.

Also, I scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can
remove toilet stains.

I no longer drink Pepsi or DR Pepper since the people who make these
products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes
cancer. I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I
could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a
water buffalo on a hot day.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone might drug me with
a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from nor send packages by UPS or FedEx
since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a
number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica,
Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

I no longer eat KFC because their "chickens" are actually horrible
mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive
my free replacement pair from Nike.

I no longer have to buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I
now have their recipe.

I no longer worry about my soul because at last count I have 363,214
angels looking out for me.

Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I
forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five
minutes.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who is
about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time)

I no longer have any money at all - but that will change once I
receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for
participating in their special email program.

Yes, I want to thank you so much for looking out for me that I will
now return the favor!

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next
7 minutes, a large pigeon with a wicked case of diarrhea will land
on your head at 5:00 PM (CDT) this afternoon. I know this will occur
because it actually happened to a friend of my next-door neighbor's
ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician.

Sincerely,

Your E-Mail Buddy

Post by **trucker2000** » Thu Dec 29, 2005 7:41 pm

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never
been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into
her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut
glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water. In
the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor
tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange
floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist;
Miss Beatrice," he said. "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.

"Oh yes," she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the
park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.
The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and it would
prevent the spread of disease.

Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter"

lswot · Post by **lswot** » Fri Dec 30, 2005 1:09 pm

Xjmt · Post by **Xjmt** » Fri Dec 30, 2005 5:29 pm

Website · Post by **brian** » Tue Jan 03, 2006 10:24 am

A dad is on his way home a bit late from the office when he realizes that it's his daughter's birthday and he has not bought her a gift.

So he stops at a toy store to buy his daughter a Barbie.

Inside he sees a Barbie display and asks the salesgirl how much the

Barbies are.

The girl responds: "Which one? We have:

Gymnasium Barbie: $19.95

Volleyball Barbie: $19.95

Shopping Barbie: $19.95

Surfer Barbie: $19.95

Disco Barbie: $19.95

and ................

DivorcedBarbie: $299.95

Shocked, the man asks, "why is Divorced Barbie $299.95 when all the other Barbies are $19.95?"

Exasperated, the girl responds:

"Sir, Divorced Barbie comes with":

Ken's Car

Ken's House

Ken's Boat

Ken's furniture

Ken's jewelry

Ken's money

Ken's computer, and

Ken's best friend...

lswot · Post by **lswot** » Tue Jan 03, 2006 12:06 pm

Xjmt · Post by **Xjmt** » Tue Jan 03, 2006 12:36 pm

Was it James Taylor who sang....."She got the house and the kids and the car and I got the boys in the band"?

Post by **trucker2000** » Wed Jan 04, 2006 4:33 am

That's good. True, but still funny.

Website · Post by **brian** » Wed Jan 04, 2006 9:41 am

The ultimate response to a Dear John letter...You gotta love a man like this!!!! Humor in the face of defeat.

A Marine was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him. And, she wanted pictures of herself back.

So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find.

He then mailed about 25 pictures of women (with clothes and without) to his girlfriend with the following note: "I don't remember which one you are. Please remove your picture and send the rest back."

lswot · Post by **lswot** » Wed Jan 04, 2006 12:21 pm

So there!

Henry J · Post by **Henry J** » Wed Jan 04, 2006 12:32 pm

Can't ya just "picture" it...

Xjmt · Post by **Xjmt** » Wed Jan 04, 2006 2:33 pm

brian wrote:
The ultimate response to a Dear John letter...You gotta love a man like this!!!! Humor in the face of defeat.

A Marine was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him. And, she wanted pictures of herself back.

So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find.

He then mailed about 25 pictures of women (with clothes and without) to his girlfriend with the following note: "I don't remember which one you are. Please remove your picture and send the rest back."

Post by **trucker2000** » Thu Jan 05, 2006 3:18 pm

That was great.

Post by **trucker2000** » Thu Jan 05, 2006 8:32 pm

A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to
her prayers which she ended by saying:

"God bless Mommy,
God bless Daddy,
God bless Grandma
and good-bye Grandpa."

The father asked, "Why did you say good-bye grandpa?"

The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."

The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this:

"God bless Mommy,
God Bless Daddy
and good-bye Grandma."

The next day the grandmother died. Oh my gosh, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side. Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say:

"God bless Mommy
and good-bye Daddy."

He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay.

He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?"

He said "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."

She said "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning the milkman dropped dead on our porch."

Post by **AnneB** » Thu Jan 05, 2006 8:36 pm