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 Post subject: Re: Recycling
PostPosted: Thu Jun 15, 2017 4:45 pm 
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Tv Watcher
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Doctors Jokes

A doctor and a dentist fell in love with a same girl. One day, the dentist had to go abroad for one week to fulfill his work, so he gave the girl seven apples and asked her to eat one apple everyday.

Know why? An apple a day keeps the doctor away!

(I wonder if that strategy would be fruitful, or fruitless? Or am I comparing apples and oranges?)

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 Post subject: Re: Recycling
PostPosted: Fri Jun 16, 2017 5:38 pm 
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Work Jokes

For a couple years I 've been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much pressure from my job, but now I found out the real reason: I'm tired because I'm overworked. The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work. There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work. 2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the work. Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work. At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work. Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me. And you're sitting at your computer reading jokes.

(What if I'm standing, lying, kneeling, or squatting instead? Would that work? ;) )

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 Post subject: Re: Recycling
PostPosted: Sat Jun 17, 2017 6:53 am 
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It's a tough job but somebody has to do it. :smile:

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eccl 2:13

"A Government big enough to give you every thing you want, is big enough to take away every thing you have."
......Thomas Jefferson......


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 Post subject: Re: Recycling
PostPosted: Sat Jun 17, 2017 3:13 pm 
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Play It Where It Lies

One fine day, Jim and Bob are out golfing. Jim slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine. He grabs his 7-iron and proceeds down the embankment into the ravine -- in search of his lost ball.

The brush is quite thick, but Jim searches diligently and suddenly he spots something shiny. As he gets closer, he realizes that the shiny object is, in fact, a 7-iron in the hands of a skeleton lying near an old golf ball.

Jim excitedly calls out to his golfing partner: "Hey Bob, come here, I got trouble down here."

Bob comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls out: "What's the matter?"

Jim shouts back, "Throw me my 8 iron! You can't get out of here with a 7!"

(No bones about it, I guess? Fore?)
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 Post subject: Re: Recycling
PostPosted: Sun Jun 18, 2017 12:54 pm 
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Living the Motto

A scoutmaster and his wife were driving along a rural highway when they found the road blocked by a herd of cows that had escaped through a broken fence.

The scoutmaster tried beeping his horn to scare the cattle from the pavement, but to no avail. For some reason, no sound was heard. He got out of the car, lifted the hood, and saw the problem, a loose wire, which he quickly fixed.

As he got back into the car, his wife asked him if he'd had any luck.

"Yep," he replied, "beep repaired!"

(Where's the beep?)
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 Post subject: Re: Recycling
PostPosted: Mon Jun 19, 2017 4:53 pm 
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Two lawyers walk into a restaurant. They, put their briefcases on the floor and order two coffees. They get their coffee and pull out lunches from their briefcases.
"Sorry," the waitress says, "You can't eat your own food here."
The lawyers look at one another, shrug their shoulders and swap sandwiches.

(They should be debriefed about that.)
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 Post subject: Re: Recycling
PostPosted: Tue Jun 20, 2017 5:25 pm 
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Tv Watcher
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Location: Colorado
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.
--Woody Allen

(So far, so good?)

(Then there's Jack Benny, who as I recall spent a large number of years not getting past 39?)
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 Post subject: Re: Recycling
PostPosted: Wed Jun 21, 2017 4:41 pm 
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An insurance agent's wife was learning to drive when the brakes gave out. "What should I do?" she cried. "Brace yourself, and try to hit something cheap."

(Cheep! Cheep!)

(And if that doesn't work, call your neighborhood insurance lizard?)
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 Post subject: Re: Recycling
PostPosted: Thu Jun 22, 2017 4:33 pm 
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Miscellaneous Jokes

An old man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Bubba, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Bubba:
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.
Love, Dad

A few days later, he received a letter from his son.

Dear Dad:
For heaven's sake, Dad, don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the BODIES.
Love, Bubba

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local Police showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.

That same day, the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Dad:
Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. It's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love, Bubba

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 Post subject: Re: Recycling
PostPosted: Fri Jun 23, 2017 10:57 am 
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Location: Ohio
:rotfl: Old but still effective!


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 Post subject: Re: Recycling
PostPosted: Fri Jun 23, 2017 5:29 pm 
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Elderly Jokes

Three old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting about various things. One lady says, "You know, I'm getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn't remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down."

The second lady says, "You think that's bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed, and I couldn't remember whether I was going to bed or had just woken up!"

The third lady smiles smugly. "Well, my memory's just as good as it's always been, knock on wood." She raps the table. With a startled look on her face, she asks, "Who's there?!"

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 Post subject: Re: Recycling
PostPosted: Sat Jun 24, 2017 7:22 am 
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"Who's there?!" forget me ........

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eccl 2:13

"A Government big enough to give you every thing you want, is big enough to take away every thing you have."
......Thomas Jefferson......


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 Post subject: Re: Recycling
PostPosted: Sat Jun 24, 2017 5:31 pm 
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Tv Watcher
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Location: Colorado
Work Jokes

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"

The Engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The interviewer enquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years say, a red Corvette?"

The Engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?"

And the interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."

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 Post subject: Re: Recycling
PostPosted: Sun Jun 25, 2017 11:56 am 
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Elderly Jokes

"How was your game, dear?" asked Jack's wife Tracy.

"Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad I couldn't see where the ball went," he answered.

"But you're 75 years old, Jack!" admonished his wife, "Why don't you take my brother Scott along?"

"But he's 85 and doesn't play golf anymore," protested Jack.

"But he's got perfect eyesight. He would watch the ball for you," Tracy pointed out.

The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway. "Do you see it?" asked Jack.

"Yup," Scott answered.

"Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.

"I forgot."

(Sounds like a FORE!-gone conclusion there...)
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 Post subject: Re: Recycling
PostPosted: Mon Jun 26, 2017 4:47 pm 
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Tv Watcher
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Location: Colorado
Doctors Jokes

A man visits his psychiatrist and talks about being haunted by visions of his departed relatives. He says; these ghosts are perched on the tops of fence posts around my garden every night. They sit there and watch me and watch me. What can I do?

The psychiatrist says; that's easy -just sharpen the tops of the posts.

(Well, that advice certainly gets to the bottom of things... Then again, maybe if he were to move the ghoul posts?)
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