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 Post subject: Re: Recycling
PostPosted: Fri Aug 04, 2017 3:31 pm 
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Always remember the following 3 pieces of advice:

1. Organize your thoughts into clearly defined groups and lists.
2. Don't tell them everything.
3. ________________

(And, don't ever forget! Also, eschew obfuscation. )

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 Post subject: Re: Recycling
PostPosted: Sat Aug 05, 2017 1:43 pm 
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A man was driving along a country road, and stops to pick up a hippie that's hitch hiking. They come to an intersection and the man says "Anything coming from the right?" The hippie says "Nothing but a dog." So the man pulls out and there's a tremendous crash.

Two weeks later they both wake up in the hospital and the man says to the hippie "I thought you said there was nothing coming but a dog!" and the hippie says "Like man, a Greyhound!"

(Leave the driving to the dogs? :shock: )

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 Post subject: Re: Recycling
PostPosted: Sun Aug 06, 2017 1:20 pm 
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My aunt was reminding my very elderly uncle that he had a doctor's appointment on Tuesday.

"On Tuesday, I don't know about any appointment for me on Tuesday. What's the appointment for?"

"Memory clinic dear".

(So what was I here after?)

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"Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?"

Actually, there are 4,324,215,187 stars, but who's counting?

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Why is it when you are being served at the supermarket checkout, the person behind you has to have their cart 4 inches from your butt? Are they afraid someone is going to try to squeeze in from the breakdown lane or something?

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 Post subject: Re: Recycling
PostPosted: Mon Aug 07, 2017 6:45 pm 
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Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table.

A very attractive blonde woman from Alabama arrived and bet twenty-thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I play topless."

With that, she stripped to the waist; rolled the dice; and yelled, "Come on, baby.... Southern Girl needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up-and-down and squealed... "YES! YES! I WON! I WON!"

She hugged each of the dealers... and then picked up her winnings and her clothes, and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"

The other answered, "I don't know... I thought you were watching."

Moral ---

Not all Southerners are stupid.

Not all blondes are dumb.

But, all men..... are men.

(And, neither of them kept abreast of what was actually happening... )

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 Post subject: Re: Recycling
PostPosted: Tue Aug 08, 2017 5:09 pm 
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We hired a new Complaint Officer
Her name is Helen Wayte

If you have a complaint, go to Helen Wayte

(If you don't get it, read it out loud, just for the halibut. ;) )

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 Post subject: Re: Recycling
PostPosted: Wed Aug 09, 2017 5:46 pm 
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Two of them all along

Roman Legion on the march north. A great big hairy kilted Scotsman jumps up on a hillock and yells, "Aye, so ye be Romans, eh? Gie me yer ten best men then!" Ten Legionnaires are dispatched. Bang! #@* Crash! $&% Wallop! Five minutes later, a lone survivor struggles back. A hundred soldiers are sent back up. None return! Risking all, the commander sends the remainder of the entire legion up the hill. Screams, shouts, and the all out commotion of the battle follow! Then, on the skyline, a lone Roman officer approaches. "Sir! Sir! They've cheated! They lied! There were TWO of them all along.......!"

(On the bright side, at least they weren't playing bagpipes... )

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 Post subject: Re: Recycling
PostPosted: Thu Aug 10, 2017 5:13 pm 
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Subject: jc Tonto

TONTO

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter,
"Want coffee."
The waiter says, "Sure, Chief, coming right up." He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee.
The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere, then just walks out.
The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter,
"Want coffee."
The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?"
The Indian smiles and proudly says,
"Training for position in United States Congress: Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day."

(Just as long as Tonto isn't being played by Jack Sparrow, while wearing a bird on his head...)

(Sorry, that's Captain Jack Sparrow...)

(And in this case, he's working for a masked guy who can't be kilt in battle.)

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 Post subject: Re: Recycling
PostPosted: Fri Aug 11, 2017 5:05 pm 
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Comeback Lines!

M: I know how to please a woman.
W: Then please leave me alone.

M: I want to give myself to you.
W: Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts.

M: Your hair color is fabulous.
W: Thank you. It's on aisle three at the corner drug store.

M: You look like a dream.
W: Go back to sleep.

M: I can tell that you want me.
W: Yes, I want you to leave.

M: Hey, baby, what's your sign?
W: Do not enter. -OR- Stop.

M: Your body is like a temple.
W: Sorry, there are no services today.

M: Is this seat empty?
W: Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.

M: What's it like being the most beautiful girl in the bar?
W: What's it like being the biggest liar in the world?

M: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
W: Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore.

(Ya'll come back now, ya hear?)

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 Post subject: Re: Recycling
PostPosted: Sat Aug 12, 2017 3:56 pm 
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HOW TO CALL THE POLICE

George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.

George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he said "no". Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available.

George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again, "Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've just shot them all." Then he hung up.

Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips residence and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

(Well, shoot! Maybe it was just a shot in the dark? Might have to, er, shed some light on things... )

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 Post subject: Re: Recycling
PostPosted: Sun Aug 13, 2017 8:42 am 
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A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up. In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son." So, he goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.

Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot. So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing, "We missed the "R", we missed the "R".

His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.

The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?" With a choking voice, the old abbot replies,

After all these years..... the word was "Celebrate".

(AaaaaaRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! Said the Fish Friar to the Chip Monk. )

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 Post subject: Re: Recycling
PostPosted: Sun Aug 13, 2017 8:56 am 
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Location: California
.... :shock: :smile:

_________________
:beamup: lswot
eccl 2:13

"A Government big enough to give you every thing you want, is big enough to take away every thing you have."
......Thomas Jefferson......


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 Post subject: Re: Recycling
PostPosted: Mon Aug 14, 2017 5:11 pm 
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_Quotes_Of_The_Day_

How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign? (Give Bambi a ticket if he crosses someplace that's else?)

How do you know when you're out of invisible ink? (I see!)

How does a shelf salesman keep his store from looking empty? (Let's table this question for now.)

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages? (Maybe during his salad days.)

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is it homeless or naked? (Yes.)

How many people thought of the Post-It note before it was invented but just didn't have anything to jot it down on? (3M - 1?)

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 Post subject: Re: Recycling
PostPosted: Tue Aug 15, 2017 5:08 pm 
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A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired. (It needs a third wheel?)

A chicken crossing the road; poultry in motion. (The Colonel missed one?)

He broke into song because he couldn't find the key. (And didn't have a bucket to carry it in.)

A calendar's days are numbered. (And arranged periodically, analogous to the 118 elements in chemistry.)

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end. (Plumbers?)

When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall. (Charge!)

Eschew obfuscation. (Gesundheit!)

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 Post subject: Re: Recycling
PostPosted: Wed Aug 16, 2017 4:55 pm 
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Getting Old

Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged.

However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman -- already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet -- who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

"I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."

(OOPS!)

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 Post subject: Re: Recycling
PostPosted: Thu Aug 17, 2017 5:16 pm 
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What do you give some one who has everything?

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Penicillin.....

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