Recycling

[lswot]

*sigh* It never ends!

[Henry J]

*Big Date*

A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the woman of his dreams. Now what should he do?

His mother had an idea: "Why don't you send her flowers,and on the card invite her to your place for a home-cooked meal?"

He thought this was a great strategy and arranged a date for a week later. His mother called the day after the big date to see how things had gone.

"The evening was a disaster," he moaned.

"Why, didn't she come over?" asked his mother.

"Oh, she came over, but she refused to cook..."

(What we have here is a failure of communication? Or something. )

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[Henry J]

Miscellaneous Jokes

A duck walks into a job center and says to the man behind the desk 'Excuse me; I'm looking for a job. Can you help?'
The man can't believe it and replies 'hold on minute sir, I'll make some inquiries for you'....the man then phones up a showbiz agency and explains that there's this amazing talking duck wanting a job and could the agent find him work in a show somewhere. Obviously the agent is excited and has no problem in finding a show for the duck.

The man goes back to the duck and says 'Good news sir, I've found you job in show business'

With this the duck replies 'That's no good, I'm a plumber'

(So, he fixes leaky pipes using duck tape? )

(Does this one quack everybody up? Or is that a Daffy thing to say? )

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[Henry J]

Subject: Fw: "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?"

A contestant on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" had reached the final plateau.

If she answered the next question correctly, she would win $1,000,000.

If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $32,000 milestone money.

And as she suspected it would be, the million-dollar question was no pushover.

It was, "Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest, but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds?

Is it:

A) the condor

B) the buzzard

C) the cuckoo

D) the vulture

The woman was on the spot She did not know the answer. And she was doubly on the spot because she had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Audience Poll Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline. The woman hoped she would not have to use it because ... Her friend was, well ...blonde.

She had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices. The blonde responded unhesitatingly: "That's easy.

The answer is C: the cuckoo."

The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving Regis any answer except the one that her friend had given her. And considering that her friend was a blonde, that would seem to be the logical thing to do. But her friend had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be persuaded.

"I need an answer," said Regis.

Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, "C: The cuckoo."

"Is that your final answer?"

"Yes, that is my final answer."

Two minutes later, Regis said, "That answer is .... Absolutely correct!!

You are now a millionaire!"

Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends, including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars.

"Jeni, I just do not know how to thank you," said the contestant. "How did you happen to know the right answer?"

"Oh, come on," said the blonde.. "Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build nests. They live in clocks."

Roger Stegman

(And they come out of those clocks in order to lay eggs in somebody else's nest, right? )

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[Henry J]

>Subject: Interesting old facts
>

> > -------------------------------------------
> > Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.
> > -------------------------------------------

Eh? What'd you say?

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[Henry J]

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

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[lswot]

Maybe he passed the wrong 'bar' ?

[Henry J]

Or went under it instead of passing?

[lswot]

He 'passed' out?

[Henry J]

Well, yeah!

[Henry J]

Words of Wisdom

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* I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

* Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

* To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

* An apple a day... is fruitful.

* Eschew obfuscation. (Gesundheit!)

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[Henry J]

Could this one be called an episode from a cereal?

One day a young Rabbi decided to take a walk in the enchanted forest of the Trids, which he did from time to time as the Trids were kind and friendly people as was the Rabbi and they would laugh and play among the trees.

But on this particular day the Rabbi couldn't find any of his Trid friends out and about the woods and this confused and worried him for Trids were normally quite eager to play and laugh with them in the forest - they being kind and friendly people. So he walked over to the Trid village and began knocking on doors, peering in windows, and looking under rocks until finally he found his particular friend Geoff. "Geoff," asked the Rabbi, "Where are all of the Trids today?"

Geoff answered, "We're hiding Rabbi. The giant from the hills has stomped into the forest and if he spots any of us he'll pick us up and kick us into the next forest."

Now the Rabbi had never heard of such a thing but as Trids had never lied to him in the past and since he did hear a stomping noise in the distance he quickly looked for a place to hide. Which wasn't easy as The Rabbi was a good two hands taller than the tallest Trid and most of the hiding places in town were decidedly Trid sized.

And so the Rabbi wound up cowering behind a Lilac bush (the best cover he could find) as the giant came stomping into town occasionally pushing aside a tree or a rock or a tiny trid cottage to pick up a Trid and punt it into the next forest. Slowly the giant made it's way closer and closer to the Rabbi cowering behind the lilac bush.

But all of his hiding was to no avail as the giant could plainly see the Rabbi behind the bush and the giant walked over to the Rabbi and said, "Hello, young Rabbi. What are you doing in the forest of the Trids today."

The Rabbi, rather startled at the civility of the question, answered, "Taking a walk to see my friends the Trids which you are busily launching into the next forest with your foot. By the way why haven't you picked me up and kick me away yet like you have the others?"

The giant laughed and said, "Silly Rabbi, kicks are for Trids."

Roger Stegman

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[Henry J]

An Oldie

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Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe, as it happens, near Transylvania. They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late, and raining very hard. Bob could barely see 20 feet in front of the car.

Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.

Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to carry her to the nearest phone.

Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from an old, large house. He approaches the door and knocks.

A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone??"

"I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a Doctor; come in and I will get him!"

Bob brings his wife in. An elegant man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."

With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.

After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.

The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting, melody fills the house.

Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise! He is further amazed as Betty sits straight up!

Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory. He bursts in and shouts to his master:

"Master, Master! ... The Hills are alive with the sound of music!
*************************

Roger Stegman

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[Henry J]

Family Jokes

Children would all be brought up perfectly if families would just swap kids. Everyone knows what ought to be done with the neighbor's kids

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[Henry J]

Confessions of a Government Travel Agent

I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat on the airplane so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.

I got a call from a Candidate's Staffer, who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information. He interrupted me with, "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts." Without trying to make him look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa." His response ...(click). ??

A Senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map, and Florida is a very thin state!!!"

I got a call from a Lawmakers Wife who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." She said, "But they look so close on the map."

An Aide for a Bush cabinet member once called and asked if they could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed they only had a 1-hour lay-over in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between the gates to save time."

An Illinois Congresswoman called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!

A New York lawmaker called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know who's luggage belongs to who? " I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight, I think that is very rude!" After putting her on hold for a minute while I "looked into it" (I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, CA is (FAT), and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

A Senator called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, FL. Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?" I asked if he meant fly to Pensacola, FL on a commuter plane. He said, "Yeah, whatever!!"

A Senior Senator called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!"

A New Mexico Congressman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York" The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent: "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the man. After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, sir, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Rhino anywhere." The man retorted, "Oh don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" "That's it! I knew it was a big animal"????

Now you know why the government is in the shape that it's in!

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