Recycling

[Henry J]

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Every nation ridicules other nations -- and all are right. (Except the ones that are left.)

Brides aren't happy - they are just triumphant. (Because the guy didn't run fast enough on Sadie Hawkins Day?)

The city is not a concrete jungle, it is a human zoo. (But don't feed the animals!)

The woman of my dreams knows how to break into systems. (But then you wake up!)

Wagner's music is better than it sounds. (That sounds like an unsound thought.)

******

Henry

[Henry J]

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A positive attitude may not solve all of your problems but, it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort. -Herm Albright-

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Help eliminate and eradicate unnecessary redundant obfuscation. (i.e., erase this sentence.)

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Expect the worst and you won't be disappointed.

(Or, if ya like sausage, expect the wurst, instead.)

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Wendy's put fish filet sandwich back on their menu, something they do for a little while each year.

Meanwhile, a few days later, a half mile down the street, McDonald's reduced the price on their fish sandwich.

Interesting coincidence, huh?

******

Henry

[LHawke]

Only when having words with somebody.

[Henry J]

*****
If Wily E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME junk, why didn't he just buy dinner?

(Cause his brain fell off a cliff?)

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

(Same question for girl scout cookies.)

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

(Duh!)

Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

(Squeek!)

*****

Henry

[lswot]

Puns for Educated Minds.........

1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned
Out to be an optical Aleutian .

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because
It was a weapon of math disruption.

5. No matter how much you push an envelope, it'll still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in
Linoleum Blownapart.

8.. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said
To the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small
Medium at large.

16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

17. A backward poet writes inverse.

18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your
Count that votes.

19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a real taste of religion.

20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine .

21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The
Stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion
Allowed per passenger.'

22. Two fish swim directly into a concrete wall. One turns to the
Other and says 'Dam!'

23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in
The craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't
Have your kayak and heat it too.

24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The
Other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a
Root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope
That at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

[Henry J]

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I think these are called, "Ain't it the truth!!"

LAWS OF THE NATURAL UNIVERSE

Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.

Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now. (works every time)

Bath Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Theatre Rule: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich of landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are.

Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

Brown's Law: If the shoe fits, it's really ugly.

Oliver's Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Wilson's Law: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

Cole's Law: Finely sliced cabbage.

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O'Toole's Commentary On Murphy's Law: Murphy was an optimist.

Corollary to Wilson's Law: If you find a TV show you like, it will get canceled.

Corollary to Brown's Law: If it tastes good, it's either expensive, bad for you, or fattening.

Corollary to Cole's Law: Lettuce end this post, since it has had its salad days.

Henry

[LHawke]

Cole's Law...

BWAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA

[lswot]

[Henry J]

Scifi Jokes

I heard this story in the late seventies. Just prior to a manned launch an insect was heard in the superstructure of the rocket. The risk analysis and decision had to be made to launch or to delay the launch and purge the insect. The risk was negligible so the rocket launch. The insect was dubbed the Gemini Cricket.

Charles

[LHawke]

Scifi Jokes

I heard this story in the late seventies. Just prior to a manned launch an insect was heard in the superstructure of the rocket. The risk analysis and decision had to be made to launch or to delay the launch and purge the insect. The risk was negligible so the rocket launch. The insect was dubbed the Gemini Cricket.

Charles

Negligible? Not for the cricket! LOL

[Henry J]

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A problem cannot be solved using the same level of thinking that created it. (In other words, if you screw it up, you can't fix it.)

A real person has two reasons for doing anything... a good reason and the real reason. (Say what? Say what?)

A short cut is the longest distance between two points. (In other words, the scenic route.)

A short line outside a building becomes a long line inside. (Or, getting in a line will slow it down, and speed up the other lines.)

A transistor protected by a fast-acting fuse will protect the fuse by blowing first. (An electrifying thought!)

A well-adjusted person is one who makes the same mistake twice without getting nervous. (Say what? Say what?)

Ability is a good thing but stability is even better. (Especially if you have horses.)

Ability is like a check, it has no value unless it is cashed. (And then only if your account had enough funds to cover it.)

Absolutum obsoletum. (If it works, it is out of date.) - Stafford Beer. (Does that mean all employeed people are out of date?)

According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist. (It's the new math - 2+2=5 for really large values of 2.)

According to the official figures, 43% of all statistics are totally worthless. (Would you believe 86 percent? How about...)

Adding manpower to a late software product makes it later. (I could have told you that! To make it earlier, you'd have to get smarter.)

After all is said and done, usually more is said than done. (Well said! Especially if you have to answer your shoe.)

After any unit has been completely assembled, extra components will be found on the bench. (Hey Chief, what's this for?)

Afternoon: that part of the day we spend worrying about how we wasted the morning. (And loving it!)

Aiming for the least common denominator sometimes causes division by zero. (Oops! Sorry about that, Chief.)

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Henry

[Henry J]

Sign on Maternity room door: "PUSH! PUSH! PUSH!"

[lswot]

[Henry J]

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One Liners Jokes

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it's two tired.

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Help eliminate and eradicate unnecessary redundant obfuscation!!

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There are 10 kinds of people in the world - those who understand binary, and those who don't.

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Henry

[lswot]