....hits the spot.
Recycling
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Henry J
- Tv Watcher
- Posts:17968
- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
- Location:Colorado
When you THINK you have a bad day, remember this one from a young mother.."I was taking a shower when my 2-year-old son came into the bathroom and wrapped himself in toilet paper. "Although he made a mess, he looked adorable, so I ran for my camera and took a few shots. They came out so well that I had copies made and included one with each of our Christmas cards.
Days later, a relative called about the picture, laughing hysterically and suggesting I take a closer look Puzzled, I stared at the photo and was shocked to discover that in addition to my son, I had captured my reflection in the mirror wearing nothing but a camera!"
********
When Stalin completed 25 years of his rule over Russia, he wanted a special postage stamp issued, with his picture on it.
He so instructed the Postmaster General, stressing that it should be of international quality.
The stamps were duly released of the stamp, he began hearing complaints that the stamp was not sticking properly, and become furious.
He called the chief of the Secret Service and ordered him to investigate the matter.
The chief checked the matter out at several post offices, and then reported on the problem to Stalin.
He said:"Sir, the stamp is really of international quality. The problem is, our citizens are spitting on the wrong side!"
*******
A sergeant was passing the barracks after lights out, when he heard some voices from inside. He slammed open the door, and shouted: Listen, you guys! A few minutes ago, you all heard me say good night. What you must realize, is that when I say "Good Night," what I really mean is "Shut the f**k up!!!"
The room instantly fell silent. But after a few seconds, a small voice could be heard from somewhere in the far back of the dark room:
"Good Night, Sergeant"
*******
Henry
Days later, a relative called about the picture, laughing hysterically and suggesting I take a closer look Puzzled, I stared at the photo and was shocked to discover that in addition to my son, I had captured my reflection in the mirror wearing nothing but a camera!"
********
When Stalin completed 25 years of his rule over Russia, he wanted a special postage stamp issued, with his picture on it.
He so instructed the Postmaster General, stressing that it should be of international quality.
The stamps were duly released of the stamp, he began hearing complaints that the stamp was not sticking properly, and become furious.
He called the chief of the Secret Service and ordered him to investigate the matter.
The chief checked the matter out at several post offices, and then reported on the problem to Stalin.
He said:"Sir, the stamp is really of international quality. The problem is, our citizens are spitting on the wrong side!"
*******
A sergeant was passing the barracks after lights out, when he heard some voices from inside. He slammed open the door, and shouted: Listen, you guys! A few minutes ago, you all heard me say good night. What you must realize, is that when I say "Good Night," what I really mean is "Shut the f**k up!!!"
The room instantly fell silent. But after a few seconds, a small voice could be heard from somewhere in the far back of the dark room:
"Good Night, Sergeant"
*******
Henry
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Henry J
- Tv Watcher
- Posts:17968
- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
- Location:Colorado
In the beginning, God created the bit. And the bit was a zero; nothing.
On the first day, He toggled the 0 to 1, and the Universe was. (In those days, bootstrap loaders were simple, and "active low" signals didn't yet exist.)
On the second day, God's boss wanted a demo, and tried to read the bit. This being volatile memory, the bit reverted to a 0. And the universe wasn't. God learned the importance of backups and memory refresh, and spent the rest of the day ( and his first all-nighter ) reconstructing the universe.
On the third day, the bit cried "Oh, Lord! If you exist, give me a sign!" And God created rev 2.0 of the bit, even better than the original prototype. Those in Universe Marketing immediately realized the "new and improved" wouldn't do justice to such a grand and glorious creation. And so it was dubbed the Most Significant Bit, or the Sign bit. Many bits followed, but only one was so honored.
On the fourth day, God created a simple ALU with 'add' and 'logical shift' instructions. And the original bit discovered that by performing a single shift instruction, it could become the Most Significant Bit. And God realized the importance of computer security.
On the fifth day, God created the first mid-life kicker, rev 2.0 of the ALU, with wonderful features, and said "Screw that add and shift stuff. Go forth and multiply." And God saw that it was good.
On the sixth day, God got a bit overconfident, and invented pipelines, register hazards, optimizing compilers, crosstalk, restartable instructions, microinterrupts, race conditions, and propagation delays. Historians have used this to convincingly argue that the sixth day must have been a Monday.
On the seventh day, an engineering change introduced Windows into the Universe, and it hasn't worked right since.
*******
Henry
On the first day, He toggled the 0 to 1, and the Universe was. (In those days, bootstrap loaders were simple, and "active low" signals didn't yet exist.)
On the second day, God's boss wanted a demo, and tried to read the bit. This being volatile memory, the bit reverted to a 0. And the universe wasn't. God learned the importance of backups and memory refresh, and spent the rest of the day ( and his first all-nighter ) reconstructing the universe.
On the third day, the bit cried "Oh, Lord! If you exist, give me a sign!" And God created rev 2.0 of the bit, even better than the original prototype. Those in Universe Marketing immediately realized the "new and improved" wouldn't do justice to such a grand and glorious creation. And so it was dubbed the Most Significant Bit, or the Sign bit. Many bits followed, but only one was so honored.
On the fourth day, God created a simple ALU with 'add' and 'logical shift' instructions. And the original bit discovered that by performing a single shift instruction, it could become the Most Significant Bit. And God realized the importance of computer security.
On the fifth day, God created the first mid-life kicker, rev 2.0 of the ALU, with wonderful features, and said "Screw that add and shift stuff. Go forth and multiply." And God saw that it was good.
On the sixth day, God got a bit overconfident, and invented pipelines, register hazards, optimizing compilers, crosstalk, restartable instructions, microinterrupts, race conditions, and propagation delays. Historians have used this to convincingly argue that the sixth day must have been a Monday.
On the seventh day, an engineering change introduced Windows into the Universe, and it hasn't worked right since.
*******
Henry
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Henry J
- Tv Watcher
- Posts:17968
- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
- Location:Colorado
All I need to know about life I learned from Star Trek
Seek out new life and new civilizations.
Non-interference is the Prime Directive.
Keep your phaser set on stun.
Humans are highly illogical.
There's no such thing as a Vulcan death grip.
Live Long and prosper.
Having is not so pleasing a thing as wanting; it is not logical but it is often true.
Infinite diversity in infinite combinations (IDIC).
Tribbles hate Klingons (and Klingons hate Tribbles).
Enemies are often invisible - like Romulans, they can be cloaked.
Don't put all your ranking officers in one shuttlecraft.
When your logic fails, trust a hunch.
Insufficient data does not compute.
If it can't be fixed, just ask Scotty.
Even in our own worlds, sometimes we are aliens.
When going out into the Universe, remember, "Boldly go where no one has gone before!"
******
Henry
Seek out new life and new civilizations.
Non-interference is the Prime Directive.
Keep your phaser set on stun.
Humans are highly illogical.
There's no such thing as a Vulcan death grip.
Live Long and prosper.
Having is not so pleasing a thing as wanting; it is not logical but it is often true.
Infinite diversity in infinite combinations (IDIC).
Tribbles hate Klingons (and Klingons hate Tribbles).
Enemies are often invisible - like Romulans, they can be cloaked.
Don't put all your ranking officers in one shuttlecraft.
When your logic fails, trust a hunch.
Insufficient data does not compute.
If it can't be fixed, just ask Scotty.
Even in our own worlds, sometimes we are aliens.
When going out into the Universe, remember, "Boldly go where no one has gone before!"
******
Henry
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Henry J
- Tv Watcher
- Posts:17968
- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
- Location:Colorado
How To Tell if You're a Geek:
You tend to save power cords from broken appliances.
You once took the back off your TV just to see what's inside.
A teacher ever wrote, "I don't fully understand it, but it looks like an 'A'" on your paper.
You've used coat hangers and duct tape for something other than hanging coats and taping ducts.
You rotate your screen savers more often than your automobile tires.
Your IQ is a higher number than your weight.
Your toddler asks why the sky is blue, and you try to explain atmospheric absorption theory.
You ran the sound system at your senior prom.
Your wristwatch has more buttons than a telephone.
You can type seventy words a minute but can't read your own handwriting.
You know what "http" stands for.
You own one or more white short-sleeve dress shirts.
You still own a slide rule, and you know how to work it.
You can name six "Star Trek" episodes.
You have a functioning home copier/scanner/fax machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal.
You have a habit of destroying things to see how they work.
People groan at the party when you pick out the music.
You have more friends on the Internet than in real life.
You thought the real heroes of "Apollo 13" were the mission controllers.
You think that when people around you yawn, it's because they didn't get enough sleep.
You spend half a plane trip with your laptop on your lap... and your kid in the overhead compartment.
You've tried to repair a $5 radio
Your laptop computer costs more than your car.
Your four basic food groups are caffeine, fat, sugar, and chocolate.
*****
Henry
You tend to save power cords from broken appliances.
You once took the back off your TV just to see what's inside.
A teacher ever wrote, "I don't fully understand it, but it looks like an 'A'" on your paper.
You've used coat hangers and duct tape for something other than hanging coats and taping ducts.
You rotate your screen savers more often than your automobile tires.
Your IQ is a higher number than your weight.
Your toddler asks why the sky is blue, and you try to explain atmospheric absorption theory.
You ran the sound system at your senior prom.
Your wristwatch has more buttons than a telephone.
You can type seventy words a minute but can't read your own handwriting.
You know what "http" stands for.
You own one or more white short-sleeve dress shirts.
You still own a slide rule, and you know how to work it.
You can name six "Star Trek" episodes.
You have a functioning home copier/scanner/fax machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal.
You have a habit of destroying things to see how they work.
People groan at the party when you pick out the music.
You have more friends on the Internet than in real life.
You thought the real heroes of "Apollo 13" were the mission controllers.
You think that when people around you yawn, it's because they didn't get enough sleep.
You spend half a plane trip with your laptop on your lap... and your kid in the overhead compartment.
You've tried to repair a $5 radio
Your laptop computer costs more than your car.
Your four basic food groups are caffeine, fat, sugar, and chocolate.
*****
Henry
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lswot
- Tv Watcher
- Posts:13710
- Joined:Sun Aug 31, 2003 11:53 am
- Location:California
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lswot
- Tv Watcher
- Posts:13710
- Joined:Sun Aug 31, 2003 11:53 am
- Location:California
Your just an ole softie.Henry J wrote:Dunno. I relate to only 4 to 6 of them, but several are hardware related and I'm a software engineer.
Henry
lswoteccl 2:13
"A Government big enough to give you every thing you want, is big enough to take away every thing you have."
......Thomas Jefferson......
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Henry J
- Tv Watcher
- Posts:17968
- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
- Location:Colorado
John Mills, a high-ranking British officer stationed in France during World War II, had his staff serve him mushroom omelets every morning. This was referred to as:
General Mills Breakfast of Champignons
*********
My personal trainer wants me to workout hard on my stomach muscles. He calls these exercises stomach crunches, sit ups, twists, and stretches; but I call them abominables.
*********
The harpist got the lucrative booking BY PULLING STRINGS.
For its new animals, the zoo had to pay A BEASTLY SUM.
To increase business, the dry cleaners introduced A NEW WRINKLE
*********
When the spiders put on a production of "Pirates of Penzance," the arachnid audience went wild as they started to sing,"When the foeman bares his steel, tarantula, tarantula."
********
"I won't let a flat tire get me down," Tom said, without despair.
*****
CASTANET: What they did to fill the role of Frankie Avalon's movie girl friend.
*****
Computer Meanings:
SERIAL PORT: (1) Breakfast wine
(2) Where boats load grain
******
Henry
General Mills Breakfast of Champignons
*********
My personal trainer wants me to workout hard on my stomach muscles. He calls these exercises stomach crunches, sit ups, twists, and stretches; but I call them abominables.
*********
The harpist got the lucrative booking BY PULLING STRINGS.
For its new animals, the zoo had to pay A BEASTLY SUM.
To increase business, the dry cleaners introduced A NEW WRINKLE
*********
When the spiders put on a production of "Pirates of Penzance," the arachnid audience went wild as they started to sing,"When the foeman bares his steel, tarantula, tarantula."
********
"I won't let a flat tire get me down," Tom said, without despair.
*****
CASTANET: What they did to fill the role of Frankie Avalon's movie girl friend.
*****
Computer Meanings:
SERIAL PORT: (1) Breakfast wine
(2) Where boats load grain
******
Henry
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Henry J
- Tv Watcher
- Posts:17968
- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
- Location:Colorado
Medical Definition:
COPULATION: The number of policemen in the area.
DIAGNOSTIC: A couple who didn't know if there is a God.
DIAGNOSTIC: Someone who didn't believe in the Roman hunting goddess.
NINTENDINITIS: Digital joint pain caused by playing too many video games.
**********
A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17."
The following Sunday, the minister asked for a show of hands from those who read Mark 17. Every hand went up.
The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."
********
A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large."
Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, "We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows."
The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what are those?"
The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas?"
********
Henry
COPULATION: The number of policemen in the area.
DIAGNOSTIC: A couple who didn't know if there is a God.
DIAGNOSTIC: Someone who didn't believe in the Roman hunting goddess.
NINTENDINITIS: Digital joint pain caused by playing too many video games.
**********
A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17."
The following Sunday, the minister asked for a show of hands from those who read Mark 17. Every hand went up.
The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."
********
A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large."
Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, "We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows."
The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what are those?"
The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas?"
********
Henry
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Henry J
- Tv Watcher
- Posts:17968
- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
- Location:Colorado
AN ANNOTATED THERMOMETER (degrees Fahrenheit)
+50
~ New York tenants turn on the heat
~ Minnesotans plant gardens
+40
~ Californians shiver uncontrollably
~ Minnesotans sunbathe
+35
~ Italian cars don't start
+32
~ Distilled water freezes
+30
~ You can see your breath
~ You plan a vacation in Florida
~ Politicians begin to worry about the homeless
~ Minnesotans eat ice cream
+25
~ Boston water freezes
~ Californians weep pitiably
~ Cat insists on sleeping on your bed with you
+20
~ Cleveland water freezes
~ San Franciscans start thinking favorably of LA
~ Green Bay Packers fans put on T-shirts
+15
~ You plan a vacation in CANCUN!!!!!
~ Minnesotans go swimming
+10
~ Too cold to snow
~ You need jumper cables to get the car going
0
~ New York landlords turn on the heat
-5
~ You can hear your breath
~ You plan a vacation to Hawaii
-10
~ American cars don't start
~ Too cold to skate
-15
~ You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo
~ Miamians cease to exist
~ Minnesotans lick flagpoles
-20
~ Cat insists on sleeping in your pajamas with you
~ People in LaCrosse think about taking down screens
-25
~ Too cold to kiss
~ You need jumper cables to get the driver going
~ Japanese cars don't start
~ Minnesota Twins head for spring training
-30
~ You plan a two-week hot bath
~ Minnesotans shovel snow off roof
-38
~ Mercury freezes
~ Too cold to think
~ Minnesotans button top button
-40
~ Californians disappear
~ Car insists on sleeping in your bed with you
~ Minnesotans put on sweaters
-50
~ Congressional hot air freezes
~ Alaskans close the bathroom window
~ Green Bay Packers practice indoors
-60
~ Walruses abandon Aleutians
~ Minnesotans put gloves away, take out mittens
~ Boy Scouts in Eau Claire start Klondike Derby
-70
~ Minneapolis residents replace diving boards with hockey nets
~ Ridgeway snowmobilers organize trans-river race to Buffalo, WI
-80
~ Polar bears abandon Baffin Island
~ Girl Scouts in Eau Claire start Klondike Derby
-90
~ Lawyers chase ambulances for no more than 10 miles
~ Wisconsinites migrate to Minnesota thinking it MUST be warmer
-100
~ Santa Claus abandons North Pole
~ Minnesotans pull down earflaps
-173
~ Ethyl alcohol freezes
-445
~ Superconductivity
-452
~ Helium becomes a liquid
-454
~ Hell freezes over
-456
~ Illinois drivers drop below 85 MPH on I-90
-458
~ Incumbent politician renounces a campaign contribution
-460 (Absolute Zero)
~ All atomic motion ceases
~ Minnesotans agree as to how it's getting a "mite nippy"
*******
The sixties were a time of hope, a time of rebellion and a time for planning new ways to do things. They planned new ways that they hoped would not be worse than what was being done at the time.
In contrast to most of the other movements of the time, one very active group combined militant vegetarianism (not so common) with militant prohibitionism (very uncommon). They believed, in fact, that the first would automatically lead to perfect health. Eat only vegetables, love one another, and the desire and drive to consume Demon Rum would just pass away.
They believed that: "Peas would rule the planets and love would clear the bars.
It was the dawning of the age of asparagus."
*******
Henry
+50
~ New York tenants turn on the heat
~ Minnesotans plant gardens
+40
~ Californians shiver uncontrollably
~ Minnesotans sunbathe
+35
~ Italian cars don't start
+32
~ Distilled water freezes
+30
~ You can see your breath
~ You plan a vacation in Florida
~ Politicians begin to worry about the homeless
~ Minnesotans eat ice cream
+25
~ Boston water freezes
~ Californians weep pitiably
~ Cat insists on sleeping on your bed with you
+20
~ Cleveland water freezes
~ San Franciscans start thinking favorably of LA
~ Green Bay Packers fans put on T-shirts
+15
~ You plan a vacation in CANCUN!!!!!
~ Minnesotans go swimming
+10
~ Too cold to snow
~ You need jumper cables to get the car going
0
~ New York landlords turn on the heat
-5
~ You can hear your breath
~ You plan a vacation to Hawaii
-10
~ American cars don't start
~ Too cold to skate
-15
~ You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo
~ Miamians cease to exist
~ Minnesotans lick flagpoles
-20
~ Cat insists on sleeping in your pajamas with you
~ People in LaCrosse think about taking down screens
-25
~ Too cold to kiss
~ You need jumper cables to get the driver going
~ Japanese cars don't start
~ Minnesota Twins head for spring training
-30
~ You plan a two-week hot bath
~ Minnesotans shovel snow off roof
-38
~ Mercury freezes
~ Too cold to think
~ Minnesotans button top button
-40
~ Californians disappear
~ Car insists on sleeping in your bed with you
~ Minnesotans put on sweaters
-50
~ Congressional hot air freezes
~ Alaskans close the bathroom window
~ Green Bay Packers practice indoors
-60
~ Walruses abandon Aleutians
~ Minnesotans put gloves away, take out mittens
~ Boy Scouts in Eau Claire start Klondike Derby
-70
~ Minneapolis residents replace diving boards with hockey nets
~ Ridgeway snowmobilers organize trans-river race to Buffalo, WI
-80
~ Polar bears abandon Baffin Island
~ Girl Scouts in Eau Claire start Klondike Derby
-90
~ Lawyers chase ambulances for no more than 10 miles
~ Wisconsinites migrate to Minnesota thinking it MUST be warmer
-100
~ Santa Claus abandons North Pole
~ Minnesotans pull down earflaps
-173
~ Ethyl alcohol freezes
-445
~ Superconductivity
-452
~ Helium becomes a liquid
-454
~ Hell freezes over
-456
~ Illinois drivers drop below 85 MPH on I-90
-458
~ Incumbent politician renounces a campaign contribution
-460 (Absolute Zero)
~ All atomic motion ceases
~ Minnesotans agree as to how it's getting a "mite nippy"
*******
The sixties were a time of hope, a time of rebellion and a time for planning new ways to do things. They planned new ways that they hoped would not be worse than what was being done at the time.
In contrast to most of the other movements of the time, one very active group combined militant vegetarianism (not so common) with militant prohibitionism (very uncommon). They believed, in fact, that the first would automatically lead to perfect health. Eat only vegetables, love one another, and the desire and drive to consume Demon Rum would just pass away.
They believed that: "Peas would rule the planets and love would clear the bars.
It was the dawning of the age of asparagus."
*******
Henry
-
Henry J
- Tv Watcher
- Posts:17968
- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
- Location:Colorado
THINGS WE ALL SHOULD KNOW...(and most of us don't!)
1. Never give yourself a haircut after three martinis.
2. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
3. Any and all compliments can be handled by simply saying, "Thank you," although it helps if you say it with a SOUTHERN accent.
4. No books will be as good as the ones you loved as a child.
5. Some people are working backstage, some are playing in the orchestra, some are on stage singing, some are in the audience as critics, and some are there to applaud. Know who and where you are.
6. When baking, follow directions. When cooking, go by your own taste.
7. Never continue dating anyone whom is rude to the waiter.
8. Good sex should involve laughter. Because it's, you know, funny!
9. A person needs only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape.
10. If you tell a lie, don't believe it deceives only the other person.
11. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship: "I apologize" and "You are right".
12. When you make a mistake, make amends immediately! It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm.
13. The only really good advice that I remember my mother ever gave me was "Go! You might meet somebody!"
14. Never ride a motorcycle when you're drunk.
15. If your date says that you are too good for him or her; believe it.
16. I've learned to pick my battles. I ask myself:
Will this matter one year from now?
How about one month?
One week?
One day?
17. The shortest line is always the longest.
18. At hard times I ask myself,
"How do I feel?
"What do I want?"
I use it whenever I'm at loss for words or thoughts.
19. Never pass up an opportunity to use the bathroom.
20. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!
21. If you move far from your family when you're young, consider choosing a career with an airline. Your need to see your family will last a lifetime, as will your travel benefits.
22. Living well really is the best revenge.
23. Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just proves that the other person was right about you.
24. Be really nice to your friends because you never know when you are going to need them to empty your bed urinal and hold your hand.
25. Work is good but it's not important!
26. Never underestimate the kindness of your fellow man.
27. And finally, being happy doesn't necessarily mean everything's perfect. It just means you've decided to look beyond all of the imperfections.
******
Henry
1. Never give yourself a haircut after three martinis.
2. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
3. Any and all compliments can be handled by simply saying, "Thank you," although it helps if you say it with a SOUTHERN accent.
4. No books will be as good as the ones you loved as a child.
5. Some people are working backstage, some are playing in the orchestra, some are on stage singing, some are in the audience as critics, and some are there to applaud. Know who and where you are.
6. When baking, follow directions. When cooking, go by your own taste.
7. Never continue dating anyone whom is rude to the waiter.
8. Good sex should involve laughter. Because it's, you know, funny!
9. A person needs only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape.
10. If you tell a lie, don't believe it deceives only the other person.
11. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship: "I apologize" and "You are right".
12. When you make a mistake, make amends immediately! It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm.
13. The only really good advice that I remember my mother ever gave me was "Go! You might meet somebody!"
14. Never ride a motorcycle when you're drunk.
15. If your date says that you are too good for him or her; believe it.
16. I've learned to pick my battles. I ask myself:
Will this matter one year from now?
How about one month?
One week?
One day?
17. The shortest line is always the longest.
18. At hard times I ask myself,
"How do I feel?
"What do I want?"
I use it whenever I'm at loss for words or thoughts.
19. Never pass up an opportunity to use the bathroom.
20. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!
21. If you move far from your family when you're young, consider choosing a career with an airline. Your need to see your family will last a lifetime, as will your travel benefits.
22. Living well really is the best revenge.
23. Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just proves that the other person was right about you.
24. Be really nice to your friends because you never know when you are going to need them to empty your bed urinal and hold your hand.
25. Work is good but it's not important!
26. Never underestimate the kindness of your fellow man.
27. And finally, being happy doesn't necessarily mean everything's perfect. It just means you've decided to look beyond all of the imperfections.
******
Henry
-
Henry J
- Tv Watcher
- Posts:17968
- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
- Location:Colorado
One day a mailman was greeted by a boy and a huge dog sitting right behind the boy.
The mailman said to the boy, "does your dog bite?"
"No," replied the boy.
Just then the huge dog bit the mailman.
The man yelled, "I thought your dog doesn't bite!"
"He doesn't," replied the boy, "that's not my dog!"
*********
This is a parody of the Myer's-Brigg personality test, which is based on Jungian personality typology. I didn't know what all the letter designations
If you really *must* know the descriptions, you can get them here, and even take a test to see what you are:
<a href="http://www.keirsey.com" target=_blank>http://www.keirsey.com</a>
/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/
MYER'S-BRIGG PRAYERS
ISTJ: Lord, help me to relax about insignificant details beginning tomorrow at 11:41:23 A.M. E.S.T.
ISTP: God, help me to consider people's feelings, even if most of them ARE hypersensitive.
ESTP: God, help me to take responsibility for my own actions, even though they're usually NOT my fault.
ESTJ: God, help me to not try to RUN everything. But, if You need some help, just ask.
ISFJ: Lord, help me to be more laid back and help me to do it EXACTLY right.
ISFP: Lord, help me to stand up for my rights (if you don't mind my asking).
ESFP: God, help me to take things more seriously, especially parties and dancing.
ESFJ: God, give me patience, and I mean right NOW.
INFJ: Lord, help me not to be a perfectionist. (Did I spell that correctly?)
INFP: God, help me to finish everything I sta
ENFP: God, help me to keep my mind on one th - Look a bird! - at a time.
ENFJ: God, help me to do only what I can and trust you for the rest. Do you mind putting that in writing?
INTJ: Lord, keep me open to other's ideas, *wrong* though they may be.
INTP: Lord, help me to be less independent, but let me do it my way.
ENTP: Lord, help me follow established procedures today. On second thought, I'll settle for a few minutes.
ENTJ: Lord, help me slow downandnotrushthroughwhatIdo.
*********
Henry
The mailman said to the boy, "does your dog bite?"
"No," replied the boy.
Just then the huge dog bit the mailman.
The man yelled, "I thought your dog doesn't bite!"
"He doesn't," replied the boy, "that's not my dog!"
*********
This is a parody of the Myer's-Brigg personality test, which is based on Jungian personality typology. I didn't know what all the letter designations
If you really *must* know the descriptions, you can get them here, and even take a test to see what you are:
<a href="http://www.keirsey.com" target=_blank>http://www.keirsey.com</a>
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MYER'S-BRIGG PRAYERS
ISTJ: Lord, help me to relax about insignificant details beginning tomorrow at 11:41:23 A.M. E.S.T.
ISTP: God, help me to consider people's feelings, even if most of them ARE hypersensitive.
ESTP: God, help me to take responsibility for my own actions, even though they're usually NOT my fault.
ESTJ: God, help me to not try to RUN everything. But, if You need some help, just ask.
ISFJ: Lord, help me to be more laid back and help me to do it EXACTLY right.
ISFP: Lord, help me to stand up for my rights (if you don't mind my asking).
ESFP: God, help me to take things more seriously, especially parties and dancing.
ESFJ: God, give me patience, and I mean right NOW.
INFJ: Lord, help me not to be a perfectionist. (Did I spell that correctly?)
INFP: God, help me to finish everything I sta
ENFP: God, help me to keep my mind on one th - Look a bird! - at a time.
ENFJ: God, help me to do only what I can and trust you for the rest. Do you mind putting that in writing?
INTJ: Lord, keep me open to other's ideas, *wrong* though they may be.
INTP: Lord, help me to be less independent, but let me do it my way.
ENTP: Lord, help me follow established procedures today. On second thought, I'll settle for a few minutes.
ENTJ: Lord, help me slow downandnotrushthroughwhatIdo.
*********
Henry
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Henry J
- Tv Watcher
- Posts:17968
- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
- Location:Colorado
A man was driving down the freeway when his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Route 280. Please be careful!"
"It's not just ONE car," said Herman, ..."It's hundreds of them!"
*********
A little girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill.
"Mommy," she said, "can we leave now?"
"No," her mother replied.
"Well, I think I have to throw up!"
"Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush."
After about 60 seconds the little girl returned to her seat. "Did you throw up?" Mom asked.
"Yes."
"How could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and returned so quickly?"
"I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy. They have a box next to the front door that says, 'For the Sick.'"
********
Henry
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Route 280. Please be careful!"
"It's not just ONE car," said Herman, ..."It's hundreds of them!"
*********
A little girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill.
"Mommy," she said, "can we leave now?"
"No," her mother replied.
"Well, I think I have to throw up!"
"Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush."
After about 60 seconds the little girl returned to her seat. "Did you throw up?" Mom asked.
"Yes."
"How could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and returned so quickly?"
"I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy. They have a box next to the front door that says, 'For the Sick.'"
********
Henry