*****
There are no signposts in the sky to show a man has passed that way before. There are no channels marked. The flier breaks each second into new uncharted seas.
Anne Morrow Lindbergh
*****
GOOD NEWS AND BAD NEWS FOR A PASTOR
Good News: You baptized seven people today in the river.
Bad News: You lost two of them in the swift current.
Good News: The Women's Guild voted to send you a get-well card.
Bad News: The vote passed 31-30.
Good News: The Elder Board accepted your job description the way you wrote it.
Bad News: They were so inspired by it, they also formed a search committee to find somebody capable of filling the position.
Good News: You finally found a choir director who approaches things exactly the same way you do.
Bad News: The choir mutinied.
Good News: Mrs. Jones is wild about your sermons.
Bad News: Mrs. Jones is also wild about the "The Osbournes," "Survivor" and "Texas Chain Saw Massacre."
Good News: The trustees finally voted to add more church parking.
Bad News: They are going to blacktop the front lawn of your parsonage.
Good News: Church attendance rose dramatically the last three weeks.
Bad News: You were on vacation.
Good News: Your biggest critic just left your church.
Bad News: He has been appointed the District Supervisor of your denomination's region.
Good News: The youth in your church come to your house for a surprise visit.
Bad News: It's in the middle of the night and they are armed with toilet paper and shaving cream to "decorate" your house.
*****
Henry
Recycling
-
Henry J
- Tv Watcher
- Posts:17968
- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
- Location:Colorado
*****
There are only two lasting bequests we can hope to give our children. One of these is roots, the other, wings.
Hodding Carter
*****
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.
The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
*****
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.
"Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked.
"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.
"What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"
*****
The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class.
She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?"
Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!"
*****
Henry
There are only two lasting bequests we can hope to give our children. One of these is roots, the other, wings.
Hodding Carter
*****
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.
The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
*****
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.
"Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked.
"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.
"What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"
*****
The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class.
She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?"
Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!"
*****
Henry
-
Henry J
- Tv Watcher
- Posts:17968
- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
- Location:Colorado
*****
RE: Learning from Children
Unfortunately the author of this is unknown but you kind of get a feeling about him/her, where and how s/he lives as you read the lessons life has taught to him/her.
Things I've learned from my children (honest and no kidding):
There is no such thing as child-proofing your house.
If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
A 4 years old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42-pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman cape.
It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.
Baseballs make marks on ceilings.
You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.
When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit.
A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
When you hear the toilet flush and the words 'Uh-oh,' it's already too late.
Brake fluid mixed with Chlorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock, even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.
If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes, it does not leak -- it explodes.
A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house 4 inches deep.
Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old Duplos will not.
'Play Dough' and 'microwave' should never be used in the same sentence.
SuperGlue is forever.
McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know.
Ditto Tarzan.
No matter how much Jello you put in a swimming pool, you still can't walk on water.
Pool filters do not like Jello.
VCRs do not eject PB&J sandwiches, even though TV commercials show they do.
Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
Always look in the oven before you turn it on.
Plastic toys do not like ovens.
The fire department in San Diego has at least a 5 minute response time.
The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy.
It will, however, make cats dizzy.
Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
Quiet does not necessarily mean 'don't worry'.
A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life (unfortunately, mostly in retrospect).
*****
Henry
RE: Learning from Children
Unfortunately the author of this is unknown but you kind of get a feeling about him/her, where and how s/he lives as you read the lessons life has taught to him/her.
Things I've learned from my children (honest and no kidding):
There is no such thing as child-proofing your house.
If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
A 4 years old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42-pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman cape.
It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.
Baseballs make marks on ceilings.
You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.
When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit.
A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
When you hear the toilet flush and the words 'Uh-oh,' it's already too late.
Brake fluid mixed with Chlorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock, even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.
If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes, it does not leak -- it explodes.
A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house 4 inches deep.
Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old Duplos will not.
'Play Dough' and 'microwave' should never be used in the same sentence.
SuperGlue is forever.
McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know.
Ditto Tarzan.
No matter how much Jello you put in a swimming pool, you still can't walk on water.
Pool filters do not like Jello.
VCRs do not eject PB&J sandwiches, even though TV commercials show they do.
Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
Always look in the oven before you turn it on.
Plastic toys do not like ovens.
The fire department in San Diego has at least a 5 minute response time.
The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy.
It will, however, make cats dizzy.
Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
Quiet does not necessarily mean 'don't worry'.
A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life (unfortunately, mostly in retrospect).
*****
Henry
retrospectivly speaking, of course..... 
lswot
-
Henry J
- Tv Watcher
- Posts:17968
- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
- Location:Colorado
----------------------
TOP 20 SAYINGS WE'D LIKE TO SEE ON THOSE OFFICE INSPIRATIONAL POSTERS
1. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.
2. If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos... then you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation.
3. Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.
4. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
5. Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity
6. A person who smiles in the face of adversity... probably has a scapegoat.
7. Plagiarism saves time.
8. If at first you don't succeed, try management.
9. Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
10. TEAMWORK... means never having to take all the blame yourself.
11. The beatings will continue until morale improves.
12. Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.
13. We waste time, so you don't have to.
14. Hang in there, retirement is only fifty years away!
15. Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.
16. A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.
17. When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.
18. INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.
19. Succeed in spite of management.
20. Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.
----------------------
Henry
TOP 20 SAYINGS WE'D LIKE TO SEE ON THOSE OFFICE INSPIRATIONAL POSTERS
1. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.
2. If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos... then you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation.
3. Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.
4. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
5. Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity
6. A person who smiles in the face of adversity... probably has a scapegoat.
7. Plagiarism saves time.
8. If at first you don't succeed, try management.
9. Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
10. TEAMWORK... means never having to take all the blame yourself.
11. The beatings will continue until morale improves.
12. Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.
13. We waste time, so you don't have to.
14. Hang in there, retirement is only fifty years away!
15. Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.
16. A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.
17. When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.
18. INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.
19. Succeed in spite of management.
20. Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.
----------------------
Henry
-
Henry J
- Tv Watcher
- Posts:17968
- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
- Location:Colorado
*****
1) My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
2) I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
3) I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!
5) I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
6) Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
7) You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
8) Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
9) Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
10) Quoting one is plagiarism; Quoting many is research.
11) I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
12) Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
13) Nyquil - The stuffy, sneezy, why-the-hell-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
14) I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather ... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
15) God must love stupid people, he made so many.
16) The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
17) It IS as BAD as you think and they ARE out to get you.
18) I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
19) Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
20) Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
21) MOP AND GLOW - Floor wax used by Three Mile Island cleanup team.
22) Beer - The Reason I Get Up Each Afternoon!
23) I Must Be a Proctologist Because I Work with Buttheads!
24) Frankly, Scallop, I Don't Give a Clam (seen on Cape Cod)
25) Computer programmers know how to use their hardware.
26) Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up.
27) Procrastinate Now.
28) Rehab Is for Quitters.
29) My Dog Can Lick Anyone.
30) I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts - Do You Want Fries With That?
31) Computer programmers don't byte, they nibble a bit.
32) Finally 21, and Legally Able to Do Everything I've Been doing since 15.
35) FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. It comes bundled with the software.
36) MY WILD OATS HAVE TURNED TO SHREDDED WHEAT.
37) A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
38) A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
39) STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere!
40) DISCOURAGE INBREEDING - Ban Country Music.
41) They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
42) He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.
43) Time's fun when you're having flies ... Kermit the Frog.
44) POLICE STATION TOILET STOLEN ... Cops have nothing to go on.
46) HECK IS WHERE PEOPLE GO WHO DON'T BELIEVE IN GOSH.
47) A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS, but it uses up a thousand times the memory.
48) The Meek shall inherit the earth, after we're through with it.
49) Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
50) HAM AND EGGS - A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
51) WELCOME TO KENTUCKY - Set your watch back 20 years.
52) The trouble with life is there's no background music.
53) Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt, but it's the only way to live life completely.
*****
Henry
1) My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
2) I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
3) I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!
5) I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
6) Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
7) You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
8) Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
9) Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
10) Quoting one is plagiarism; Quoting many is research.
11) I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
12) Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
13) Nyquil - The stuffy, sneezy, why-the-hell-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
14) I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather ... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
15) God must love stupid people, he made so many.
16) The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
17) It IS as BAD as you think and they ARE out to get you.
18) I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
19) Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
20) Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
21) MOP AND GLOW - Floor wax used by Three Mile Island cleanup team.
22) Beer - The Reason I Get Up Each Afternoon!
23) I Must Be a Proctologist Because I Work with Buttheads!
24) Frankly, Scallop, I Don't Give a Clam (seen on Cape Cod)
25) Computer programmers know how to use their hardware.
26) Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up.
27) Procrastinate Now.
28) Rehab Is for Quitters.
29) My Dog Can Lick Anyone.
30) I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts - Do You Want Fries With That?
31) Computer programmers don't byte, they nibble a bit.
32) Finally 21, and Legally Able to Do Everything I've Been doing since 15.
35) FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. It comes bundled with the software.
36) MY WILD OATS HAVE TURNED TO SHREDDED WHEAT.
37) A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
38) A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
39) STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere!
40) DISCOURAGE INBREEDING - Ban Country Music.
41) They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
42) He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.
43) Time's fun when you're having flies ... Kermit the Frog.
44) POLICE STATION TOILET STOLEN ... Cops have nothing to go on.
46) HECK IS WHERE PEOPLE GO WHO DON'T BELIEVE IN GOSH.
47) A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS, but it uses up a thousand times the memory.
48) The Meek shall inherit the earth, after we're through with it.
49) Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
50) HAM AND EGGS - A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
51) WELCOME TO KENTUCKY - Set your watch back 20 years.
52) The trouble with life is there's no background music.
53) Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt, but it's the only way to live life completely.
*****
Henry
-
Henry J
- Tv Watcher
- Posts:17968
- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
- Location:Colorado
***
Corporate lesson 1
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you 800 dollars to drop that towel that you have on." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her 800 dollars and leaves. Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower "Who was that ?"
"It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.
"Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the 800 dollars he owes me ?"
Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk in advance with your stakeholders, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
***
Corporate Lesson 2
A sales representative, an administration clerk and their manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."
"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof ! She's gone.
"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life beside me." Poof ! He's gone.
"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."
Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.
***
Henry
Corporate lesson 1
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you 800 dollars to drop that towel that you have on." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her 800 dollars and leaves. Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower "Who was that ?"
"It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.
"Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the 800 dollars he owes me ?"
Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk in advance with your stakeholders, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
***
Corporate Lesson 2
A sales representative, an administration clerk and their manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."
"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof ! She's gone.
"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life beside me." Poof ! He's gone.
"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."
Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.
***
Henry
-
Henry J
- Tv Watcher
- Posts:17968
- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
- Location:Colorado
***
Subject: Getting Married In Heaven!
On their way to a justice of the peace to get married, a couple suffered A fatal car accident. Later, sitting outside Heaven's gate waiting on St. Peter to do the paperwork, they asked if they could possibly get married in Heaven.
St. Peter said, "This is the first time anyone has ever asked. Come on in, have a seat and Let me go find out."
The couple sat for a couple of months and began to wonder if they really should get married in Heaven, with the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work out?" they wondered. "Are we stuck together forever?"
Peter returned after yet another month, looking somewhat bedraggled.
"Yes", he informed the couple. "You can get married in Heaven."
"Great," said the couple, "but what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
Peter slammed his clipboard onto the ground.
"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.
"Sheesh!" St. Peter exclaimed, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it's going to take for me to find a lawyer?"
***
A defending attorney was cross examining a coroner.
The attorney asks,
"Before you signed the death certificate had you taken the man's pulse?"
The coroner says, "No."
The attorney then asks,
"Did you listen for a heart beat?" "No."
"Did you check for breathing?" "No."
"So when you signed the death certificate you had not taken any steps to make sure the man was dead, had you?"
The coroner, now tired of the brow beating says,
"Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk, but for all I know he could be out there practising law somewhere."
***
Henry
Subject: Getting Married In Heaven!
On their way to a justice of the peace to get married, a couple suffered A fatal car accident. Later, sitting outside Heaven's gate waiting on St. Peter to do the paperwork, they asked if they could possibly get married in Heaven.
St. Peter said, "This is the first time anyone has ever asked. Come on in, have a seat and Let me go find out."
The couple sat for a couple of months and began to wonder if they really should get married in Heaven, with the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work out?" they wondered. "Are we stuck together forever?"
Peter returned after yet another month, looking somewhat bedraggled.
"Yes", he informed the couple. "You can get married in Heaven."
"Great," said the couple, "but what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
Peter slammed his clipboard onto the ground.
"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.
"Sheesh!" St. Peter exclaimed, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it's going to take for me to find a lawyer?"
***
A defending attorney was cross examining a coroner.
The attorney asks,
"Before you signed the death certificate had you taken the man's pulse?"
The coroner says, "No."
The attorney then asks,
"Did you listen for a heart beat?" "No."
"Did you check for breathing?" "No."
"So when you signed the death certificate you had not taken any steps to make sure the man was dead, had you?"
The coroner, now tired of the brow beating says,
"Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk, but for all I know he could be out there practising law somewhere."
***
Henry
-
Henry J
- Tv Watcher
- Posts:17968
- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
- Location:Colorado
*****
The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!"
Well, the hours passed and the champagne was going down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, realizing he'd probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him 12:00. He didn't seem disturbed at all.
Whew! Got away with that one!
Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."
When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, 'oh ****," cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the cat and farted."
*****
Henry
The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!"
Well, the hours passed and the champagne was going down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, realizing he'd probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him 12:00. He didn't seem disturbed at all.
Whew! Got away with that one!
Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."
When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, 'oh ****," cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the cat and farted."
*****
Henry
-
Henry J
- Tv Watcher
- Posts:17968
- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
- Location:Colorado
*****
Follow these steps to a full:
I will eat every meal at the table--not with one hand while I'm typing.
I will get dressed before dinnertime.
I will remember that I must clean the house, wash clothes, cook meals, and have a bath every once in a while.
I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate friends and family members that are web-deprived, and let them know I'm not dead or missing.
I will not send an email or visit a chat room (or message board) for at least 24 hours. If I can do that, I can make it!
I will not use smile icons or other internet abbreviations when I'm offline. I will read a "paper" book if I still can.
I will remember others' needs, and pry my nose off this monitor for at least an hour each evening before my beloved forgets I exist.
I will leave the house at least twice a week whether I have to or not.
I will remember that my bills must be paid even if I'm too busy to make payments because I'm on the Web.
Last, but not least, I will remember to sleep, knowing that the internet will be there tomorrow when I awake.
*****
I will not longer carry my laptop into the bathroom.
*****
Henry
Follow these steps to a full:
I will eat every meal at the table--not with one hand while I'm typing.
I will get dressed before dinnertime.
I will remember that I must clean the house, wash clothes, cook meals, and have a bath every once in a while.
I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate friends and family members that are web-deprived, and let them know I'm not dead or missing.
I will not send an email or visit a chat room (or message board) for at least 24 hours. If I can do that, I can make it!
I will not use smile icons or other internet abbreviations when I'm offline. I will read a "paper" book if I still can.
I will remember others' needs, and pry my nose off this monitor for at least an hour each evening before my beloved forgets I exist.
I will leave the house at least twice a week whether I have to or not.
I will remember that my bills must be paid even if I'm too busy to make payments because I'm on the Web.
Last, but not least, I will remember to sleep, knowing that the internet will be there tomorrow when I awake.
*****
I will not longer carry my laptop into the bathroom.
*****
Henry
Those are hard!!! -
Henry J
- Tv Watcher
- Posts:17968
- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
- Location:Colorado
*****
After reviewing the video tape of the a football game wherein his place kicker missed a real easy short kick with just seconds to go, which would have given them the winning margin an sent them to a bowl game, the coach told his kicker that after he graduated he should join the priesthood, as he was sure they would make him a cardinal immediately. “Why”, asked the kicker? “Well”, answered the coach, “other than the pope, you’re the only other one who has ever made 70,000 people rise to their feet and yell,.....”Jesus Christ!”
*****
Dear Ma and Pa;
Am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before maybe all of the places are filled.
I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m., but am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. Men got to shave but it is not so bad, they get warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs,bacon, etc..., but kind of weak on chops,potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food. But tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit between two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon, when you get fed again.
It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We go on "route" marches, which the Platoon Sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it is not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys gets sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The country is nice, but awful flat. The Sergeant is like a schoolteacher. He nags some. The Capt. is like the school board. Majors and Colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.
This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk and don't move. And it ain't shooting at you, like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.
Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get into this setup and come stampeding in.
Your loving daughter, Gail
P.S. Speaking of shooting, enclosed is $200 towards a new barn roof and ma's teeth. The city boys shoot craps, but not very good.
*****
Henry
After reviewing the video tape of the a football game wherein his place kicker missed a real easy short kick with just seconds to go, which would have given them the winning margin an sent them to a bowl game, the coach told his kicker that after he graduated he should join the priesthood, as he was sure they would make him a cardinal immediately. “Why”, asked the kicker? “Well”, answered the coach, “other than the pope, you’re the only other one who has ever made 70,000 people rise to their feet and yell,.....”Jesus Christ!”
*****
Dear Ma and Pa;
Am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before maybe all of the places are filled.
I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m., but am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. Men got to shave but it is not so bad, they get warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs,bacon, etc..., but kind of weak on chops,potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food. But tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit between two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon, when you get fed again.
It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We go on "route" marches, which the Platoon Sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it is not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys gets sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The country is nice, but awful flat. The Sergeant is like a schoolteacher. He nags some. The Capt. is like the school board. Majors and Colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.
This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk and don't move. And it ain't shooting at you, like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.
Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get into this setup and come stampeding in.
Your loving daughter, Gail
P.S. Speaking of shooting, enclosed is $200 towards a new barn roof and ma's teeth. The city boys shoot craps, but not very good.
*****
Henry
-
Henry J
- Tv Watcher
- Posts:17968
- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
- Location:Colorado
*****************************
ENJOY YOUR NEW MICROSOFT CAR!
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with the technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon".
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single, "This car has performed an Illegal Operation" warning light.
6. The airbag system would ask, "Are you sure?" before deploying.
7. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
8. Every time a new car was introduced, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again, because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
9. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.
*****************************
Henry
ENJOY YOUR NEW MICROSOFT CAR!
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with the technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon".
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single, "This car has performed an Illegal Operation" warning light.
6. The airbag system would ask, "Are you sure?" before deploying.
7. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
8. Every time a new car was introduced, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again, because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
9. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.
*****************************
Henry