When asked by a Navajo elder what the group of men was doing in the dessert, an astronaut said that they were practicing for a trip to the moon. When his son relayed this comment to the Navajo elder, he got all excited and asked if it would be possible to give to the astronauts a message to deliver to the moon. Recognizing a promotional opportunity when he saw one, a NASA official accompanying the astronauts said, "Why certainly!" and told an underling to get a tape recorder.
The Navajo elder's comments into the microphone were brief. The NASA official asked the son if he would translate what his father had said. The son listened to the recording and laughed uproariously. But he refused to translate. So the NASA people took the tape to a nearby Navajo village and played it for other members of the tribe. They too laughed long and loudly but also refused to translate the elder's message to the moon.
Finally, an official government translator was summoned. After he finally stopped laughing the translator
relayed the message:
"Watch out for these *******s. They have come to steal your land."
Recycling
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Henry J
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Re: Recycling
Stress: 
A young lady confidently walked around the room while leading and explaining stress management to an audience with a raised glass of water. Everyone knew she was going to ask the ultimate question, 'half empty or half full?' She fooled them all .... "How heavy is this glass of water?" she inquired with a smile. Answers called out ranged from 8 oz. to 20 oz.
She replied , "The absolute weight doesn't matter. It depends on how long I hold it. If I hold it for a minute, that's not a problem. If I hold it for an hour, I'll have an ache in my right arm.
If I hold it for a day, you'll have to call an ambulance. In each case it's the same weight, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes." She continued, "and that's the way it is with stress. If we carry our burdens all the time, sooner or later, as the burden becomes increasingly heavy, we won't be able to carry on."
"As with the glass of water, you have to put it down for a while and rest before holding it again. When we're refreshed, we can carry on with the burden - holding stress longer and better each time practiced. So, as early in the evening as you can, put all your burdens down. Don't carry them through the evening and into the night.
1 Accept the fact that some days you're the pigeon and some days you're the statue!
2 Always keep your words soft and sweet just in case you have to eat them.
3 Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.
4 Drive carefully... It's not only cars that can be recalled by their Maker.
5 If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
6 If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
7 It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
8 Never buy a car you can't push.
9 Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won't have a leg to stand on.
10 Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
11 Since it's the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late.
12 The second mouse gets the cheese.
13 When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
14 Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.
15 Some mistakes are too much fun to make only once.
16 We could learn a lot from crayons. Some are sharp, some are pretty and some are dull. Some have weird names and all are different colors, but they all have to live in the same box.
17 A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.
18 Have an awesome day and know that someone has thought about you today.
AND MOST IMPORTANTLY
19 Save the earth..... It's the only planet with chocolate!
Be the kind of person that when your feet hit the floor each morning the devil says "Oh PHOOEY, she/he's up!"
A young lady confidently walked around the room while leading and explaining stress management to an audience with a raised glass of water. Everyone knew she was going to ask the ultimate question, 'half empty or half full?' She fooled them all .... "How heavy is this glass of water?" she inquired with a smile. Answers called out ranged from 8 oz. to 20 oz.
She replied , "The absolute weight doesn't matter. It depends on how long I hold it. If I hold it for a minute, that's not a problem. If I hold it for an hour, I'll have an ache in my right arm.
If I hold it for a day, you'll have to call an ambulance. In each case it's the same weight, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes." She continued, "and that's the way it is with stress. If we carry our burdens all the time, sooner or later, as the burden becomes increasingly heavy, we won't be able to carry on."
"As with the glass of water, you have to put it down for a while and rest before holding it again. When we're refreshed, we can carry on with the burden - holding stress longer and better each time practiced. So, as early in the evening as you can, put all your burdens down. Don't carry them through the evening and into the night.
1 Accept the fact that some days you're the pigeon and some days you're the statue!
2 Always keep your words soft and sweet just in case you have to eat them.
3 Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.
4 Drive carefully... It's not only cars that can be recalled by their Maker.
5 If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
6 If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
7 It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
8 Never buy a car you can't push.
9 Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won't have a leg to stand on.
10 Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
11 Since it's the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late.
12 The second mouse gets the cheese.
13 When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
14 Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.
15 Some mistakes are too much fun to make only once.
16 We could learn a lot from crayons. Some are sharp, some are pretty and some are dull. Some have weird names and all are different colors, but they all have to live in the same box.
17 A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.
18 Have an awesome day and know that someone has thought about you today.
AND MOST IMPORTANTLY
19 Save the earth..... It's the only planet with chocolate!
Be the kind of person that when your feet hit the floor each morning the devil says "Oh PHOOEY, she/he's up!"
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Henry J
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Re: Recycling
Or for number 1, there's the bug/windshield version. 
For 2 - remember, the closed mouth gathers no foot!
For 2 - remember, the closed mouth gathers no foot!
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Henry J
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Re: Recycling
Jeb and Jethro live in the hills, about 5 miles outside of town. Jeb asks Jethro to go in to town to pick up some lumber. Jethro walks the 5 miles to town to the local lumberyard.
"Jeb says we're gonna need some 4 x 2's" Jethro tells the yardman.
"Do you mean 2 x 4's?" asks the yardman.
"Well, I don't rightly know, I better go ask Jeb" says Jethro and walks the 10 miles to the hills and back to town."Jeb says we're gonna need 2 x 4's" Jethro tells the yardman.
"Now, how many 2 x 4's will you need?" asks the yardman.
"Well, I don't rightly know, I better go ask Jeb." says Jethro, and again walks the 10 miles to the hills and back to town.
"Jeb says were gonna need about 40 of 'em" Jethro tells the yardman.
"Now, how long will you need them?" asks the yardman.
"Well, I don't rightly know, I better go ask Jeb" says Jethro and yet again walks the 10 miles to the hills and back to town.
Upon returning Jethro says to the yardman, "Jeb says you better give 'em to us for a while . . . we're gonna build a barn."
-------------
(Wonder if Jethro's last name might be Bodine, by any chance?
"Jeb says we're gonna need some 4 x 2's" Jethro tells the yardman.
"Do you mean 2 x 4's?" asks the yardman.
"Well, I don't rightly know, I better go ask Jeb" says Jethro and walks the 10 miles to the hills and back to town."Jeb says we're gonna need 2 x 4's" Jethro tells the yardman.
"Now, how many 2 x 4's will you need?" asks the yardman.
"Well, I don't rightly know, I better go ask Jeb." says Jethro, and again walks the 10 miles to the hills and back to town.
"Jeb says were gonna need about 40 of 'em" Jethro tells the yardman.
"Now, how long will you need them?" asks the yardman.
"Well, I don't rightly know, I better go ask Jeb" says Jethro and yet again walks the 10 miles to the hills and back to town.
Upon returning Jethro says to the yardman, "Jeb says you better give 'em to us for a while . . . we're gonna build a barn."
-------------
(Wonder if Jethro's last name might be Bodine, by any chance?
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Henry J
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Re: Recycling
GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.
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Henry J
- Tv Watcher
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- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
- Location:Colorado
Re: Recycling
GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
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Henry J
- Tv Watcher
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- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
- Location:Colorado
Re: Recycling
TO ALL THE KIDS WHO WERE BORN BEFORE THE 80's !! (1 of 2)
First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they carried us.
They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes.
Then after that trauma, our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paints.
We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention the risks we took hitchhiking.
As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.
Riding in the back of a pickup on a warm day was always a special treat.
We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.
We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.
We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank soda pop with sugar in it, but we weren't overweight because WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!
We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.
No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.
We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes.
After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.
First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they carried us.
They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes.
Then after that trauma, our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paints.
We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention the risks we took hitchhiking.
As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.
Riding in the back of a pickup on a warm day was always a special treat.
We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.
We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.
We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank soda pop with sugar in it, but we weren't overweight because WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!
We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.
No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.
We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes.
After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.
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Henry J
- Tv Watcher
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- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
- Location:Colorado
Re: Recycling
TO ALL THE KIDS WHO WERE BORN BEFORE THE 80's !! (2 of 2)
We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on cable, no video tape movies, no surround sound, no cell phones, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat rooms... WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!
We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.
We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.
We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls and although
we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes.
We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just yelled for them!
Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment.
Imagine that!!
The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!
This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever! The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas. We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL! And YOU are one of them! CONGRATULATIONS!
You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated our lives for our own good. and while you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave their parents were.
Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it?!
We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on cable, no video tape movies, no surround sound, no cell phones, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat rooms... WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!
We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.
We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.
We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls and although
we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes.
We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just yelled for them!
Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment.
Imagine that!!
The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!
This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever! The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas. We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL! And YOU are one of them! CONGRATULATIONS!
You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated our lives for our own good. and while you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave their parents were.
Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it?!
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Henry J
- Tv Watcher
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- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
- Location:Colorado
Re: Recycling
A sweet grandmother telephoned Mount Sinai Hospital. She timidly asked, "is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"
The operator said "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number?"
The grandmother in her weak tremulous voice said, "Holly Finkel, room 302."
The Operator replied, "let me check."
Oh, good news. Her records say that Holly is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged Tuesday."
The Grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you for the good news."
The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Holly your daughter?"
The Grandmother said, "No, I'm Holly Finkel in 302. No one tells me da%# thing!."
The operator said "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number?"
The grandmother in her weak tremulous voice said, "Holly Finkel, room 302."
The Operator replied, "let me check."
Oh, good news. Her records say that Holly is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged Tuesday."
The Grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you for the good news."
The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Holly your daughter?"
The Grandmother said, "No, I'm Holly Finkel in 302. No one tells me da%# thing!."
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Henry J
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Re: Recycling
Subject: FW: Olympic Bloopers
Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators so far during the Summer Olympics that they would like to take back:
1. Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."
2. Dressage commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."
3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."
4. Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious."
5. Softball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."
6. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."
7. At the rowing medal ceremony: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew."
8. Soccer commentator: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."
9. Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh my God, what have I just said?"
Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators so far during the Summer Olympics that they would like to take back:
1. Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."
2. Dressage commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."
3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."
4. Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious."
5. Softball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."
6. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."
7. At the rowing medal ceremony: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew."
8. Soccer commentator: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."
9. Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh my God, what have I just said?"
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Henry J
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Re: Recycling
Physics lesson for today:
COLE'S LAW: Thinly sliced cabbage.
The Newscripts department of Chemical and Engineering News has asked for examples of vanity auto license plates with chemical words or symbols. One contributor from Colorado remembers seeing BARIUM on the bumper of a hearse.
Prayer for the day: "Lord, give me patience - and I mean NOW!!!"
A definition of the term, BAD Judgement... B.A.D. = Best Available Data. In layman's terms??? "Sure seemed like a good idea at the time".
COLE'S LAW: Thinly sliced cabbage.
The Newscripts department of Chemical and Engineering News has asked for examples of vanity auto license plates with chemical words or symbols. One contributor from Colorado remembers seeing BARIUM on the bumper of a hearse.
Prayer for the day: "Lord, give me patience - and I mean NOW!!!"
A definition of the term, BAD Judgement... B.A.D. = Best Available Data. In layman's terms??? "Sure seemed like a good idea at the time".
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Henry J
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Re: Recycling
Did you hear the one about "Ole talks with God"? Maybe it's even been posted here, have only read the last couple of 'funnies'. This joke has been around for awhile I'm sure, but it's 'funny.'
Ole was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.
Looking up toward heaven, he said, "Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place, I will go to church every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up strong drink."
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
Ole looked up again and said, "Never mind. I found one!"
Ole was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.
Looking up toward heaven, he said, "Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place, I will go to church every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up strong drink."
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
Ole looked up again and said, "Never mind. I found one!"
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Henry J
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Re: Recycling
Definition of the term, Expert... Break the word down and it explains itself...
First you have an 'X', which is a 'Has Been'. Then you have a SPERT, which is a Drip Under Pressure'...
First you have an 'X', which is a 'Has Been'. Then you have a SPERT, which is a Drip Under Pressure'...
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Henry J
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Re: Recycling
Why don't eggs tell jokes? They'd crack each other up.
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Henry J
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Re: Recycling
Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself?
It was two tired.
It was two tired.