Recycling

[Henry J]

Really?

[lswot]

Well.....yeah

[Henry J]

Exactly!

*****

A man calls his mother in Florida. "Mom, how are you?"

"Not too good,"says the mother. "I've been very weak."

The son says,"Why are you so weak?"

She says, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."

The man says, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?"

The mother answers, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call."

*****

[lswot]

Guilt, anyone?

[Henry J]

Not guilty!

[Henry J]

*****

Back in the cowboy days, a westbound wagon train was lost and low on food. No other humans had been seen for days, and then they saw an old Jewish cowboy sitting beneath a tree. The leader rushed to him and said, "We're lost and running out of food. Is there someplace ahead where we can get food?"

"Vell," the old Jewish cowboy said, "I vouldn't go up dat hill und down de other side. Somevun told me you'll run into a big bacon tree."

"A bacon tree?" asked the wagon train leader.

"Yah, ah bacon tree. Trust me. For nuttin vud I lie.

The leader goes back and tells his people that if nothing else, they might be able to find food on the other side of the next ridge.

"So why did he say not to go there?" some pioneers asked.

"Oh, you know those Jewish folks. They don't eat bacon."

So the wagon train goes up the hill and down the other side. Suddenly, Indians attack and massacre everyone except the leader, who manages to escape back to the old Jewish cowboy, who's enjoying a cup of tea. The near-dead man starts shouting. "You fool. You sent us to our deaths! We followed your instructions, but there was no bacon tree. Just hundreds of Indians, who killed everyone."

The old Jewish cowboy holds up his hand and says "Oy, vait a minute." He then gets out an English-Yiddish dictionary, and begins thumbing through it. "Gevalt, I made myself ah big mistake. It vuz not a bacon tree. It vuz a ham bush."

*****

(Oy vey! )

[Henry J]

*****

Headlines:

Arson Suspect Held In Massachusetts Fire

British Union Finds Dwarfs In Short Supply

Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees

Local High School Dropouts Cut In Half

New Vaccine May Contain Rabies

Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing

Air Head Fired, Steals Clock, Faces Time

Old School Pillars Replaced By Alumni

Prosecutor Releases Probe Into Undersheriff

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Include Your Children when Baking Cookies

Miners Refuse to Work after Death

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

Stolen Painting Found by Tree

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While

*****

Henry

[Henry J]

*****

One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the evil that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check it out. He called a female angel and sent her down to Earth.
When she returned she told God that it was indeed bad on Earth. She reported that 95% is bad and 5%is good. God thought a moment and decided He had better send down a male angel to get both points of view.
When the male angel returned he confirmed that Earth was in decline, 95% was bad and 5% was good. God thought about what He could do about the situation and decided to e-mail the 5% that were good with a little pep-talk, something to encourage them, something to help keep them going. Do you know what the e-mail said?....
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
... Oh! you didn't get one either??

*****

[Henry J]

*****

One Sunday morning, a priest wakes up and decides to go golfing. He calls his boss and says that he feels very sick, and won't be able to go to work.
Way up in heaven, Saint Peter sees all this and asks God, ''Are you really going to let him get away with this?''

''No, I guess not,'' says God.

The priest drives about five to six hours away, so he doesn't bump into anyone he knows. The golf course is empty when he gets there. So he takes his first swing, drives the ball 495 yards away and gets a hole in one.

Saint Peter watches in disbelief and asks, '' Why did you let him do that?''

To this God says, ''Who's he going to tell?''

*****

FORE!!!!

Five!!!!

Hope he took along a clean pair of pants!

Henry

[Henry J]

Baptism: Are you prepared for it?

Before performing a baptism, the priest approached the young father and said solemnly, "Baptism is a serious step. Are you prepared for it?"

"I think so," the man replied. "My wife has made appetizers and we have a caterer coming to provide plenty of cookies and cakes for all of our guests."

"I don't mean that," the priest responded. "I mean, are you prepared spiritually?"

"Oh, sure," came the reply. "I've got a keg of beer and a case of whiskey."

*****

Henry

[lswot]

Oh my......

[Henry J]

But at least they're spiritual!

(Unless it's synthehol?)

[Henry J]

Billy Graham had just finished a tour of the Florida East Coast and was taking a limousine to the airport.
Having never driven a limo, he asked the chauffeur if he could drive for a while. The chauffeur didn't really have much of a choice, so he got in the back of the limo and Rev. Graham took the wheel.
He turned onto I-95 and accelerated to about 90 MPH.
Soon the blue lights of the State Highway Patrol flashed in his rear-view mirror.
He pulled over and a trooper came to his window.
When the trooper saw who it was, he said, "Just a moment, please, I need to call in."
The trooper radioed in and asked for the chief.
He said, "I have a REALLY important person pulled over and I need to know what to do."

The chief replied, "Who is it, I hope not Ted Kennedy?"

The trooper said, "No, even more important."
"It isn't the Governor, Jeb Bush, is it?" asked the chief.
"No, even more important," replied the trooper.
"It isn't the President, George Bush, is it?"
"No," replied the trooper, "even more important."
"Well, WHO in the WORLD is it?!" screamed the chief.
The trooper responded: "I don't really know for sure but I think it might be Jesus, because his chauffeur is Billy Graham!"

*****

Henry

[lswot]

har har

[Henry J]

Har we go again?