Recycling

Henry J · Post by **Henry J** » Wed Sep 24, 2014 6:16 pm

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: Alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. (Alex Levine)

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. (Ed Furgol)

Money can't buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. (Spike Milligan)

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money. (Henny Youngman)

I am opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the position. (Mark Twain)

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was 'shut up.' (Joe Namath)

I'm very pleased to be here. Let's face it, at my age I'm very pleased to be anywhere. (George Burns)

*****

Henry J · Post by **Henry J** » Thu Sep 25, 2014 6:12 pm

Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first. (Mark Twain)

At my age flowers scare me. (George Burns)

Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life. (Herbert Henry Asquith)

The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age. (Lucille Ball)

I don't feel old - I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap. (Bob Hope)

A woman drove me to drink -- and I hadn't even the courtesy to thank her. (W.C. Fields)

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it. (W. C. Fields)

To different minds, the same world is a hell, and a heaven. (Ralph Waldo Emerson, 1803-1882)

*****

Henry

Xjmt · Post by **Xjmt** » Fri Sep 26, 2014 12:28 pm

lswot · Post by **lswot** » Fri Sep 26, 2014 5:55 pm

Oh....don't encourage him.

Like that never stopped him. It is kind of nice reading all that stuff.....but, don't tell him I said so.

Henry J · Post by **Henry J** » Fri Sep 26, 2014 7:15 pm

Henry J · Post by **Henry J** » Fri Sep 26, 2014 7:16 pm

A man told his buddy, "I called the local insane asylum yesterday to check on who has escaped from there recently."

His buddy asked, "Oh? Why do you wonder about that?"

To which he replied, "Well, somebody ran off with my wife this week!"

*****

Henry

Henry J · Post by **Henry J** » Sat Sep 27, 2014 11:08 am

Southern interpretations of medical terms
1. Artery : The study of Paintings.
2. Barium : What Doctors do when patients die.
3. Caesarean Section : A neighborhood in Rome.
4. Cauterize : Made eye contact with her.
5. Colic : A sheep dog.
6. D & C : Where Washington is.
7. Dilate : To live long.
8. Enema : Not a friend.
9. Fibula : A small lie.
10. Genital : Not a Jew.
11. G.I. Series : Military Ball Game.
12. Impotent : Distinguished, well known.
13. Labour Pain : Getting hurt at work.
14. Morbid : A higher offer.
15. Nitrates : Cheaper than day rates.
16. Node : Was aware of.
17. Outpatient : A person who has fainted.
18. Pap Smear : Fatherhood Test.
19. Post Operative : Letter Carrier.
20. Recovery Room : Place to do upholstery.
21. Seizure : Roman Emperor.
22. Tablet : Small table.
23. Terminal Illness : Getting sick at the airport.
24. Urine : Opposite of "You're out".

*****

Xjmt · Post by **Xjmt** » Sat Sep 27, 2014 3:48 pm

"Genital : Not a Jew."....

Could be MisConScrewd!

Henry J · Post by **Henry J** » Sun Sep 28, 2014 11:00 am

*****
The preacher, in his Sunday sermon, used "Forgive Your Enemies" as his subject. After a long sermon, he asked how many were willing to forgive their enemies. About half held up their hands. Not satisfied he harangued the congregation for another twenty minutes and repeated his question. This received a response of eighty percent. Still unsatisfied, he lectured for fifteen more minutes and repeated his question. With thoughts of Sunday dinner, all responded except one old gentleman in the rear.

"Mr. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

"I don't have any."

"Mr. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"

"Eighty-six."

"Mr. Jones, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a man can live to be eighty-six and not have an enemy in the world."

The old man teetered down the aisle and slowly turned around. "It's easy. I just outlived the sons of *****es."

*****

Xjmt · Post by **Xjmt** » Sun Sep 28, 2014 3:28 pm

lswot · Post by **lswot** » Sun Sep 28, 2014 5:03 pm

good one

Henry J · Post by **Henry J** » Mon Sep 29, 2014 4:35 pm

*****
A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. While playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend?"

Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel good. The comedies make me laugh. I'm so happy with my TV as my boyfriend."

Then Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door, and there stood Grandma's minister.

The minister said, "Hello, son, is your grandma home?"

The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."

*****

lswot · Post by **lswot** » Mon Sep 29, 2014 5:30 pm

Henry J · Post by **Henry J** » Tue Sep 30, 2014 6:18 pm

According to the Knight-Ridder News Service, the inscription on the metal bands used by the U.S. Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been changed. The bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated: "Wash. Biol. Surv." until the agency received the following letter from an Arkansas camper:

"Dear Sirs:

While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and I want to tell you it was horrible."

The bands are now marked Fish and Wildlife Service.

*****

Henry

Xjmt · Post by **Xjmt** » Wed Oct 01, 2014 7:56 am

The Show Place

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