Recycling

Henry J · Post by **Henry J** » Mon Jan 05, 2015 7:10 pm

There once was a captain of a ship, and everyday at a certain time he would lock himself up in his cabin and look inside a mysterious black box. He did this everyday, but he told nobody what was inside the box. Then one day he died, and in his testament he gave the crew permission to open the box. So they opened the black box. And what they found was a piece of paper:
''Starboard is right, port is left.''

*****

Henry

lswot · Post by **lswot** » Tue Jan 06, 2015 10:41 am

Henry J · Post by **Henry J** » Tue Jan 06, 2015 8:26 pm

Some sports team names inspire fear, like the Detroit Tigers. Others inspire head scratching, like the Chicago White Sox--their socks are white, so what? Suggested names for future teams around the globe:

Czech Republic: The Prague Tologists
Taiwan: The Taipei Personalities
India: The Delhi Contestants
Bolivia: The Bolivia de Havillands

(From Reader's Digest. I guess somebody went to the library after lunch. )

*****

Henry

Xjmt · Post by **Xjmt** » Wed Jan 07, 2015 2:09 pm

Henry J wrote:There once was a captain of a ship, and everyday at a certain time he would lock himself up in his cabin and look inside a mysterious black box. He did this everyday, but he told nobody what was inside the box. Then one day he died, and in his testament he gave the crew permission to open the box. So they opened the black box. And what they found was a piece of paper:
''Starboard is right, port is left.''

*****

Henry

Henry J · Post by **Henry J** » Wed Jan 07, 2015 6:16 pm

What did one DNA say to another DNA?

Answer: "Do these genes make me look fat?"

(Not that I can see!)

*****
An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

(I can't see that, either!)

*****

Henry

Henry J · Post by **Henry J** » Thu Jan 08, 2015 7:29 pm

I'd Like A Coke Please
I've always ordered beverages one simple way: "A Coke, please."

Lately, though, this hasn't seemed to work. Waitresses now often respond, "I'm sorry, we don't have Coke. We have Pepsi, Diet Pepsi, Dr. Pepper, Mr. Pibb."

Tired of listening to the long list of soft drinks, I thought I'd make life easier. So one day I simply asked the snack bar clerk at a movie theater for a "dark, carbonated beverage."

The young man behind the counter chuckled and asked, "Sir, would you like a cylindrical plastic sucking device with that?"

*****

Henry J · Post by **Henry J** » Fri Jan 09, 2015 7:14 pm

Lawyers are leaving their mark everywhere. Today at the aquarium there was a sign that said "Alleged Killer Whale".

(I dunno; I don't see the porpoise in that.)

*****

Two dogs were out for a walk. One dog says to the other, "Wait here a minute. I'll be right back." He walks across the street and sniffs a fire hydrant for about a minute, then rejoins his friend.
"What was that all about?" the other dog asks.
"Just checking my messages."

(Smell O gram?)

*****

Henry J · Post by **Henry J** » Sat Jan 10, 2015 10:39 am

Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. Unfortunately, all the league records were destroyed in a fire. Thus we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

(Yeah, I guess if there were records, those would have tolled us!)

Henry J · Post by **Henry J** » Sun Jan 11, 2015 3:45 pm

It was a really hot day. The drunk decided that maybe he should lay off the alcohol, so he went to a vending machine to buy a soda. He put some change in and a can came out. The drunk popped a few more coins into the slot and another can rolled down. Excited, he continued to feed the machine.
Pretty soon, a line formed behind him. Finally, a woman yelled, "Hurry Up! We're all hot and thirsty."
"No way," he said. "I'm still winning."

*****

Henry J · Post by **Henry J** » Mon Jan 12, 2015 8:21 pm

In China, KFC's slogan, "Finger Lickin' Good," translates into a less than appetizing, "Eat your fingers off."

The Scandinavian electronics company Electrolux tried to sell its vacuum cleaner here in the United States by telling Americans, "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux."

Then there's Chevrolet trying to sell their Novas in Mexico.
In Spanish "Nova" means something like "It don't go".

*****

Henry

Henry J · Post by **Henry J** » Tue Jan 13, 2015 7:18 pm

THE BEST OF THE WORST COUNTRY-WESTERN SONG TITLES:

1. Get Your Biscuits In The Oven And Your Buns In The Bed
2. Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye
3. Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure
4. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
5. I Can't Get Over You, So Why Don't You Get Under Me?
6. I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling
7. I Got In At 2 With A '10' And Woke Up At 10 With A '2'
8. I Hate Every Bone In Your Body Except For Mine
9. I Just Bought A Car From A Guy That Stole My Girl, But The Car Don't Run So I Figure We Got An Even Deal
10. I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You
11. I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well
12. I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better
13. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win
14. I'll Marry You Tomorrow But Let's Honeymoon Tonite
15. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like Having You Here
16. I've Got Tears In My Ears From Lying On My Back Crying Over You
17. If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You
18. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By Now
19. Mama Get A Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head)
20. My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love Jesus
21. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him
22. Please Bypass This Heart
23. She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger
24. You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat
25. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly

(Disclaimer: I haven't personally verified that each of the above was ever actually a song title.

)

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Henry

Henry J · Post by **Henry J** » Wed Jan 14, 2015 8:28 pm

Rules to live by......(1/2)

* Indecision is the key to flexibility. [Procrastinate NOW!]
* You can't tell which way the train went by looking at the track. [Choo]
* There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation. [RTFM?]
* Happiness is merely the remission of pain. [!hcuo]
* Nostalgia isn't what it used to be. [And neither is deja vu!]
* Sometimes too much to drink is not enough. [Burp!]
* The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.
* Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world. [And isn't in corporate management]
* Things are more like they are today than they ever were before. [Deja vu, again?]
* Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.
* Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate. [Just ask any superhero!]
* I have seen the truth and it makes no sense. [Quantum mechanics?]
* If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.

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Henry J · Post by **Henry J** » Thu Jan 15, 2015 7:34 pm

Rules to live by......(2/2)

* All things being equal, fat people use more soap. [But are things ever equal?]
* If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame. [Baaa!]
* One seventh of your life is spent on Monday. [Dang!]
* By the time you make ends meet, they move the ends. [But the check is in the mail?]
* There is always one more imbecile than you counted on. [Stupid is as stupid does?]
* This is as bad as it can get, but don't count on it.
* Never wrestle a pig. You both get dirty and the pig likes it. [Oink!]
* The trouble with life is, you're halfway through it before you realize it's a do-it-yourself thing.
* No amount of advance planning will ever replace dumb luck.
* Anything you do can get you fired; this includes doing nothing. [Or web surfing?]
* Money can't buy happiness; it can, however, rent it.
* Never pass a snow plow on the right. [Also, don't eat yellow snow]
* Eschew unnecessary redundant obfuscation.

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Henry

lswot · Post by **lswot** » Fri Jan 16, 2015 12:08 pm

Verrrry interesting......

You must have a lot of time on your hands.

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