Recycling

[Henry J]

What disease did cured ham actually have?

[Too much cholesterol?]

[Henry J]

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

[It just wasn't rocket science?]

[Henry J]

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

[Noisy at one end, and don't ask about the other end]

[Henry J]

Airplane Jokes

Why is the mistletoe hanging over the baggage counter?" asked the airline passenger, amid the holiday rush. T

he clerk replied, "It's so you can kiss your luggage good-bye."

[Henry J]

Christmas, a Multicultural Experience

The teacher, Ms. Pelzner, was very curious about how each of her students celebrated Christmas. She called on young Patrick Murphy.

"Tell me Patrick, what do you do at Christmas time?" she asked.

Patrick addressed the class, "Well Ms. Pelzner, me and my twelve brothers and sisters go to the Midnight Mass and we sing hymns, and then we come home very late and we put mince pies by the back door and hang up our stockings. Then all excited, we go to bed and wait for Father Christmas to come with all our toys."

"Very nice Patrick," she said. "Now Jimmy Brown, what do you do at Christmas?"

"Well, me and my sister also go to Church with Mom and Dad and we sing carols and we get home ever so late. We put cookies and milk by the chimney and we hang up our stockings. We hardly sleep, waiting for Santa Claus to bring our presents."

Realizing there was a Jewish boy in the class and not wanting to leave him out of the discussion, she asked, "Now, Isaac Cohen, what do you do at Christmas?"

Isaac said, "Well, it's the same thing every year. Dad comes home from the office. We all pile into the Rolls-Royce, then we drive to his toy factory. When we get inside, we look at all the empty shelves and begin to sing, 'What a friend we have in Jesus.' Then we all go to the Bahamas."

Charles

--------------------

[Henry J]

What do you call the fear of getting stuck while sliding down a chimney?

Santa Claus-trophobia

[Henry J]

What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time?

Sandy Claws

[Meow?]

[Henry J]

The 3 stages of man:
He believes in Santa Claus
He doesn't believe in Santa Claus
He is Santa Claus

[Henry J]

Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve?

Because it soots him.

[Henry J]

What can Santa give away and still keep?

A cold

[Henry J]

What do you call a bunch of grand-masters of chess bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?

Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer

[Henry J]

================================
Some Cat's New Years Resolutions
================================

My human will never let me eat her pet hamster, and I am at peace with that.

I will not puff my entire body to twice its size for no reason after my human has finished watching a horror movie.

I will not slurp fish food from the surface of the aquarium.

I must not help myself to Q-tips, and I must certainly not proceed to stuff them down the sink's drain.

I will not eat large numbers of assorted bugs, then come home and puke them up so the humans can see that I'm getting plenty of roughage.

I will not lean way over to drink out of the tub, fall in, and then pelt right for the box of clumping cat litter. (It took FOREVER to get the stuff out of my fur.)

I will not stand on the bathroom counter, stare down the hall, and growl at NOTHING after my human has finished watching The X-Files.

I will not use the bathtub to store live mice for late-night snacks.

I will not perch on my human's chest in the middle of the night and stare into her eyes until she wakes up.

We will not play Herd of Thundering Wildebeests Stampeding Across the Plains of the Serengeti over any humans' bed while they're trying to sleep.

Screaming at the can of food will not make it open itself.

I cannot leap through closed windows to catch birds outside. If I forget this and bonk my head on the window and fall behind the couch in my attempt, I will not get up and do the same thing again.

I will not assume the patio door is open when I race outside to chase leaves.

I will not intrude on my human's candle-lit bubble bath and singe my bottom.

I will not stick my paw into any container to see if there is something in it. If I do, I will not hiss and scratch when my human has to shave me to get the rubber cement out of my fur.

If I bite the cactus, it will bite back.

When it rains, it will be raining on all sides of the house. It is not necessary to check every door.

Birds do not come from the bird feeder. I will not knock it down and try to open it up to get the birds out.

The dog can see me coming when I stalk her. She can see me and will move out of the way when I pounce, letting me smash into floors and walls. That does not mean I should take it as a personal insult when my humans sit there and laugh.

I will not play "dead cat on the stairs" while people are trying to bring in groceries or laundry, or else one of these days, it will really come true.

When the humans play darts, I will not leap into the air and attempt to catch them.

I will not swat my human's head repeatedly when she's on the family room floor trying to do sit ups.

When my human is typing at the computer, her forearms are *not* a hammock.

Computer and TV screens do not exist to backlight my lovely tail.

I am a walking static generator. My human doesn't need my help installing a new board in her computer.

================================

[Henry J]

Why do giraffes get Christmas gifts every year?

They are so good that they'll stick their necks out for anyone

[Henry J]

Why did the elf push his bed into the fireplace?

He wanted to sleep like a log.

[Henry J]

What do elves learn in school?

The Elf-abet!

[Just ask Legolas!]