Recycling

[Henry J]

What nationality is Santa Claus?

North Polish

[Henry J]

Why does Scrooge love Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer?

Because every buck is deer to him.

[Henry J]

How do sheep in Mexico say Merry Christmas?

Fleece Navidad!

[Henry J]

What do they call Santa's helpers?

Subordinate Clauses

[Henry J]

What do you call Santa Clause after he's fallen into a fireplace?

Krisp Kringle

[Henry J]

Who sings "Love Me Tender," and makes Christmas toys?

Santa's little Elvis

[Henry J]

CATS' TOP TEN FAVORITE CHRISTMAS SONGS

10. Up on the Mousetop
9. Have Yourself a Furry Little Christmas
8. Joy to the Curled
7. I Saw Mommy Hiss at Santa Claus
6. The First Meow
5. Oh, Come All Ye Fishful
4. Silent Mice
3. Fluffy, the Snowman
2. Jingle Balls
1. Wreck the Halls!
*****

[Henry J]

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December.

Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring.

Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, every single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen - had to be a girl.

We should've known. Only women would be able to drag a fat man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.

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[Henry J]

Eating Tips for the Holidays

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can and quickly. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an "eggnog-aholic" or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it!!!! Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand-alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello???

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple, pumpkin and mincemeat - have a slice of each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.

10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread tips: Start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.

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[Henry J]

For Christmas I bought my brother a combination fax machine and paper shredder.

Either we hooked it up wrong or a lot of people are faxing him confetti.

[Henry J]

Copied from an earlier BB forum:

The computer swallowed grandma.
Yes, honestly it's true.
She pressed 'control' and 'enter'
And disappeared from view.

It devoured her completely,
The thought just makes me squirm.
She must have caught a virus
Or been eaten by a worm.

I've searched through the recycle bin
And files of every kind;
I've even used the Internet,
But nothing did I find.

In desperation, I asked Jeeves
My searches to refine.
The reply from him was negative,
Not a thing was found 'online.'

So, if inside your 'Inbox,'
My Grandma you should see,
Please 'Copy,' 'Scan' and 'Paste' her
And send her back to me!

-- Author Unknown

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[Henry J]

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

[But at least there's that right to silence...]

[Henry J]

If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?

[Put yourself behind a Pepsi, if you're living, you belong...]

[Henry J]

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

[I'm not either one, so it doesn't apply]

[Henry J]

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

[Because size matters?]