Recycling

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lswot
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Re: Recycling

Post by lswot » Sun Oct 15, 2017 5:09 pm

Chinese proverb:
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a life time.
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eccl 2:13

"A Government big enough to give you every thing you want, is big enough to take away every thing you have."
......Thomas Jefferson......

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Re: Recycling

Post by Henry J » Sun Oct 15, 2017 5:41 pm

Ah. Well, so long as he doesn't flounder.

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Re: Recycling

Post by lswot » Mon Oct 16, 2017 9:45 am

It never ends! :smile:
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eccl 2:13

"A Government big enough to give you every thing you want, is big enough to take away every thing you have."
......Thomas Jefferson......

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Re: Recycling

Post by Henry J » Mon Oct 16, 2017 6:18 pm

When were air conditioners first put in cars?

Here is something you car buffs may or may not know.

The 3 Goldberg brothers, Norman, Hiram, and Maxwell invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner.

On July 17th, 1946, the temperature in Detroit was 97.

The 3 brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet- talked his secretary into telling him that 3 gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.

Henry was curious and invited them into his office. They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car.

They persuaded him to get into the car which was about 130 - turned on the air-conditioner and cooled the car off immediately.

The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them 3 million dollars for the patent.

The brothers refused, saying they would settle for 2 million but they wanted the recognition by having a label "The Goldberg Air-Conditioner" on the dashboard of each car that it was installed in.

Now there was no way he was going to put the Goldbergs' name on 2 million Ford cars.

They haggled back and forth for about 2 hours and finally agreed on 4 million dollars and that just their first names would be shown. And so, even today, all Ford air-conditioners show on the controls, the names "Norm, Hi, & Max".

============================================

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Re: Recycling

Post by Henry J » Tue Oct 17, 2017 6:56 pm

Work Jokes

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the woman. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of you, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."

The woman below responded, "You must be in management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault!"

Charles

(Yeah well, some people have more hot air than others? :D )

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Re: Recycling

Post by Henry J » Wed Oct 18, 2017 7:15 pm

A Wee Bit of Scottish Humor

Tourists’ Questions

The staff at the VisitScotland counters deal with millions of enquiries from tourists and many are very routine. But the staff manage to spend a few moments recording some of the more bizarre and outlandish questions and publish these from time to time. The latest list includes such gems as:

· Does Scotland have any golf courses?

· Can you tell me where the mountain is in Scotland?

· Which bus do I get from Orkney Islands to Shetland Islands?

· When does the Loch Ness monster surface and who feeds it?

· Is Edinburgh in Glasgow?

· Can I meet Crocodile Dundee in Dundee?

· What Tube/Subway line runs to Edinburgh?

· When's the changing of the guard at the White House?

The tourist who pointed to the map and asked “How do I get to one zero NA?” had staff puzzled for a moment, until they realized that she was pointing to the island of Iona...

Charles

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Re: Recycling

Post by Henry J » Thu Oct 19, 2017 2:53 pm

Military Jokes

One reason the Military Services have trouble operating jointly is that they don't speak the same language. For example, if you told Navy personnel to "secure a building," they would turn off the lights and lock the doors. The Army would occupy the building so no one could enter. Marines would assault the building, capture it, and defend it with suppressive fire and close combat. The Air Force, on the other hand, would take out a three-year lease with an option to buy.

===========================

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Re: Recycling

Post by Henry J » Fri Oct 20, 2017 6:31 pm

I was at the checkout of a K-Mart. The clerk rang up the $46.64 charge. I gave her a fifty-dollar bill. She gave me back $46.64. I gave it back to her and told her that she had made a mistake in MY favor and gave her the money back. She became indignant and informed me she was educated and knew what she was doing and returned the money again. I gave her the money back again ... same scenario! I departed the store with the $46.64.

---------- They Walk Among Us and Many Work Retail

I walked into a Mickey D's with a Buy-one-Get- one-free coupon for a sandwich. I handed it to the girl and she looked over at a little chalkboard that said, "Buy one-Get-one free." "They're already Buy-one-Get- one-free, " she said, "So I guess they're both free." She handed me my free sandwiches and I walked out the door.

.......... They Walk Among Us and Many Work Retail

One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when one of them shouted, "Look at that dead bird!" Someone looked up at the sky and said, "Where?'

.......... They Walk Among Us!

While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?" When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for some time, she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff."

.......... They Walk Among Us!

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car designed to cut through a seat belt if she is trapped. She keeps it in the trunk.

.......... They Walk Among Us!

... to be continued ...

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Re: Recycling

Post by lswot » Sat Oct 21, 2017 11:17 am

Oh my....... :smile:
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eccl 2:13

"A Government big enough to give you every thing you want, is big enough to take away every thing you have."
......Thomas Jefferson......

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Re: Recycling

Post by Henry J » Sat Oct 21, 2017 2:25 pm

Oh your what? :D

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Re: Recycling

Post by Henry J » Sat Oct 21, 2017 2:26 pm

I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific."

.......... They Walk Among Us!

My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.

.......... They Walk Among Us!

I could not find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands." Now," she asked me, has your plane arrived yet?"

.......... They Walk Among Us!

While working at a pizza parlor, I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces."

.......... Yep, They Walk Among Us!

They Walk Among Us, AND they reproduce and WORST OF ALL .......... They may VOTE!

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Re: Recycling

Post by lswot » Sat Oct 21, 2017 4:32 pm

"They Walk Among Us, AND they reproduce and WORST OF ALL .......... They may VOTE!"

I was thinking the same thing. :smile:
:beamup: lswot
eccl 2:13

"A Government big enough to give you every thing you want, is big enough to take away every thing you have."
......Thomas Jefferson......

Henry J
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Re: Recycling

Post by Henry J » Sun Oct 22, 2017 10:54 am

Animal Jokes

Mr. Marlow was strolling through the country when he saw a stable with the most beautiful horse he ever laid eyes on. It was seventeen hands high and white, with rippling muscles and a fine, flowing mane. Mr. Marlow struck a deal to buy it from the owner who did, however, pass on one key piece of information.

"We are a religious family, Mr.Marlow, and we've instilled those values in our horse. To get him to gallop you must say 'Thanks God' to get him to stop you must say 'Our Father Who Art in Heaven,"

Settling into the saddle, Marlow said " Thanks God," and the animal took off. They rode for miles; suddenly they were coming up to a cliff. Unfortunately, Marlow couldn't remember the phrase to make the animal stop and tried every Biblical passage he could think of until, just a few feet from the edge of the cliff, he shouted, "Our Father Who Art in Heaven!" The animal stopped instantly.

Shaking and perspiring, Marlow reached into his pocket and pulled out a handkerchief. "Thanks God," he said as he mopped his brow...

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Re: Recycling

Post by Henry J » Mon Oct 23, 2017 6:26 pm

Some of these were really funny in the late 80's... pretty cute in the 90's... now many of them may be the norm...

Signs You May Be Too Connected

1) You try to enter your password on the microwave.

2) You hear most of your jokes via email instead of in person.

3) Your husband tells you he's had the beard for 2 months

4) You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

5) You email your son in his room to tell him that dinner is ready, and he IM's you back, 'What's for dinner?'

6) Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.

7) You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken to your next door neighbor yet this year.

8) You didn't give your wife a Valentine's card this year, but you posted one for your email buddies via a Web page.

9) Your daughter just bought CDs of all the worst records your college roommate used to play.

10) You notice only when a television commercial DOESN'T have a web address on it.

11) You buy a computer and a week later it's out of date and a week after that it's selling for half price.

12) Buying flowers for your wife/girlfriend or spending money to upgrade your computer system presents a significant moral dilemma

13) Your reason for not staying in touch with family is they don't have email addresses.

14) When asked 'Do you have a stamp?' you're able to unearth three 22¢ stamps from 1987.

15) Your bookmarks/Favorites take 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.

16) You find you really need PowerPoint to explain what you do for a living.

17) You consider overnight express delivery painfully slow.

18) Someone tells you about a great new program and you're disappointed to find it's on TV.

19) The concept of using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase is only vaguely familiar.

20) You haven't played solitaire with a real deck of cards in years.

21) Tech support calls YOU for help.

###

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Re: Recycling

Post by Henry J » Tue Oct 24, 2017 7:13 pm

Found this on another BB:
Rec'd via email

The Ellen Show was on and she read this submission to a contest from a viewer:

So, we had this great 10 year old cat named Jack who just recently died. Jack was a great cat and the kids would carry him around and sit on him and nothing ever bothered him. He used to hang out and nap all day long on this mat in our bathroom.

Well, we have 3 kids and at the time o f this story they were 4 years old, 3 years old and 1 year old. The middle one is Eli. Eli really loves chapstick. LOVES IT. He kept asking to use my chapstick and then losing it. So finally one day I showed him where in the bathroom I keep my chapstick and how he could use it whenever he wanted to but he needed to put it right back in the drawer when he was done.

Last year on Mother's Day, we were having the typical rush around and try to get ready for Church with everyone crying and carrying on. My two boys are fighting over the toy in the cereal box. I am trying to nurse my little one at the same time I am putting on my make-up. Everything is a mess and everyone has long forgotten that this is a wonderful day to honor me and the amazing job that is motherhood.

We finally have the older one and the baby loaded in the car and I am looking for Eli. I have searched everywhere and I finally round the corner to go into the bathroom. And there was Eli. He was applying my chapstick very carefully to Jack's . . . rear end. Eli looked right into my eyes and said "chapped." Now if you have a cat, you know that he is right--their little butts do look pretty chapped. And, frankly, Jack didn't seem to mind.

And the only question to really ask at that point was whether it was the FIRST time Eli had done that to the cat's behind or the hundredth.

And THAT is my favorite Mother's Day moment ever because it reminds us that no matter how hard we try to civilize these glorious little creatures, there will always be that day when you realize they've been using your chapstick on the cat's butt.

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