Recycling

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Xjmt
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Re: Recycling

Post by Xjmt » Thu May 25, 2017 8:05 pm

Henry J wrote:Doctor

The psychiatrist said sternly to the patient: "If you think you are walking out of here cured after only three sessions, you are crazy."

(I've heard that anybody who goes to a psychiatrist should get their head examined.)

(Some percentage of the populations suffers from insanity. Does that mean the rest enjoy it? )

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I thought we weren't supposed to talk politics here!! :nano:

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Re: Recycling

Post by Henry J » Fri May 26, 2017 7:15 pm

Work Jokes

One CEO always scheduled staff meetings for 4:30 on Friday afternoons. One of the employees finally got up the nerve to ask why, the CEO explained, "I'll tell you its very simple – it's the only time of the week when none of you seems to want to argue with me."

(Sneaky!)

(And no Polly ticks in that! )

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lswot
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Re: Recycling

Post by lswot » Sat May 27, 2017 1:07 pm

devious, even
:beamup: lswot
eccl 2:13

"A Government big enough to give you every thing you want, is big enough to take away every thing you have."
......Thomas Jefferson......

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Re: Recycling

Post by Henry J » Sat May 27, 2017 4:01 pm

Asia was by far my favorite destination," the woman bragged at the party, though she had never been out of the United States. "Enigmatic and magical, beautiful beyond belief. And China, of course, is the pearl of the Asian oyster."

"What about the pagodas?" a man besides her asked. "Did you see them?"

"Did I see them? My dear, I had dinner with them."

(Bon apetit!)

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Re: Recycling

Post by Henry J » Sun May 28, 2017 5:49 pm

A saxophone is like a lawsuit.

Everyone is happy when the case is closed.

(At least it's not bagpipes...)

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Re: Recycling

Post by Henry J » Mon May 29, 2017 12:49 pm

Three men were sitting on a park bench. The one in the middle was reading a newspaper; the others were pretending to fish. They baited imaginary hooks, cast lines, and reeled in their catch.

A passing policeman stopped to watch the spectacle and asked the man in the middle if he new the other two.

"Oh yes" he said. "They 're my friends."

"In that case," warned the officer, "you'd better get them out of here!"

"Yes, sir" the man replied, and he began rowing furiously.

(Row row row your bench, gently down the street... )

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Re: Recycling

Post by Henry J » Tue May 30, 2017 6:19 pm

Male Jokes

This man in a Ford Granada pulls up next to a guy in a Rolls Royce at a stop sign. Their windows are open and he yells at the guy in the Rolls: "Hey, you got a telephone in there?"

The guy in the Rolls says, "Yes, of course I do."

"I got one too... see?"

"Uh, huh, yes, that's very nice."

Then the man in the Granada says, "You got a fax machine?"

"Why, actually, yes, I do."

"I do too! See? It's right here!"

"Uh-huh."

The light is just about to turn green and the guy in the Granada says, "So, do YOU have a double bed in back there?"

And the guy in the Rolls says, "NO! Do you?"

"Yep, got my double bed right in back here — see?!" The light turns and the man in the Granada takes off.

Well, the guy in the Rolls is not about to be one-upped, so he goes immediately to a customizing shop and orders them to put a double bed in back of his car. About two weeks later, the job is finally done and he picks up his car and drives all over town looking for the Granada. He finally finds it parked alongside the road so he pulls his Rolls up next to it. The windows on the Granada are all fogged up and he feels a little awkward about it, but he gets out of his newly modified Rolls and taps on the foggy window of the Granada. The man in the Granada finally opens the window a crack and peeks out. The guy in the Rolls says, "Hey. Remember me?"

"Yeah, yeah, I remember you. What's up?"

"Check this out — I got a double bed installed in my Rolls."

And the man in the Granada says, "YOU GOT ME OUT OF THE SHOWER TO TELL ME THAT?!"

(Rolls, Rolls, Rolls your car, gently down the street... Ah, but at least he's keeping it clean. )

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Re: Recycling

Post by Henry J » Wed May 31, 2017 7:13 pm

Family Jokes

"Dad, the career counselor said that with a mind like mine I should study criminal law."

"That is wonderful, son. I'm proud of you."

"He said I had a criminal mind."

(There oughta be a law! yer )

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Re: Recycling

Post by Henry J » Thu Jun 01, 2017 6:00 pm

Entertainment Jokes

A husband asks: Why do you weep and snuffle over a TV program and the imaginary sadness of people you have never met?

Wife: For the same reason you scream and yell when a man you don't know makes a touchdown.

(Let us not shift those goalposts... )

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Re: Recycling

Post by Henry J » Fri Jun 02, 2017 6:40 pm

Hollywood Squares:

Question: "If your going to make a parachute jump, how high to you need to be?"
Answer: "Three days of steady drinking should do it" Charley Weaver

-----
Peter Marshall: As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?

Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.

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Re: Recycling

Post by lswot » Sat Jun 03, 2017 9:08 am

Great show...... :)
:beamup: lswot
eccl 2:13

"A Government big enough to give you every thing you want, is big enough to take away every thing you have."
......Thomas Jefferson......

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Re: Recycling

Post by Henry J » Sat Jun 03, 2017 3:10 pm

Computer Jokes

Q: Why didn't Intel call the Pentium, the 586?

A: Because they added 486 and 100 on the first Pentium and got 585.999983605.

(Precisely!)

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Re: Recycling

Post by Xjmt » Sat Jun 03, 2017 4:51 pm

Henry J wrote:Computer Jokes

Q: Why didn't Intel call the Pentium, the 586?

A: Because they added 486 and 100 on the first Pentium and got 585.999983605.

(Precisely!)

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Now this one I believe!

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Re: Recycling

Post by Henry J » Sun Jun 04, 2017 10:37 am

Business Jokes

HR Heaven and Hell

One day while walking down the street a highly successful HR Director was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.

"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had a Human Resources Director make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," said the woman. "Well, I'd like to," replied St. Peter, "but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."

"Actually, I think I've made up my mind, I prefer to stay in Heaven," said the woman.

"Sorry, we have rules..." And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell. The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow executives that she had worked with and they were all dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kinda cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved good-bye as she got on the elevator. The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and she found St. Peter waiting for her.

"Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said. So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her. "So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity," he said. The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell." So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down-down-down back to Hell.

When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.

"I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is, is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable."

The Devil looked at her and smiled. "Yesterday we were recruiting you, today you're staff..."

Charles

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Re: Recycling

Post by Henry J » Mon Jun 05, 2017 6:34 pm

Antartian Jokes

An Antartian boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.

The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?"

The father [never having seen an elevator] responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.

The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.

The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, "Go get your mother."

(I Reckon that gives a new meaning to the term "face lift"? )

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