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 Post subject: Re: Recycling
PostPosted: Sun Jan 21, 2018 3:05 pm 
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I can't believe it. I got them all correct! :rock:


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 Post subject: Re: Recycling
PostPosted: Mon Jan 22, 2018 5:18 pm 
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And then the fight started...

Quote:
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too'

And then the fight started...

--------------------------------

Quote:
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed, She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years a go, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.' 'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

--------------------------------

Quote:
I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!' So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

And then the fight started...

--------------------------------

Quote:
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.

And then the fight started...

--------------------------------


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 Post subject: Re: Recycling
PostPosted: Tue Jan 23, 2018 6:28 pm 
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Quote:
Understanding Engineers - Take One

Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said, 'Where did you get such a great bike?'
The second engineer replied, 'Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, 'Take what you want.'
The second engineer nodded approvingly and said, 'Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway.'
----------------------------------------------------
Understanding Engineers - Take Two
To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
----------------------------------------------------
Understanding Engineers - Take Four
What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons and civil engineers build targets.
----------------------------------------------------
Understanding Engineers - Take Five
The graduate with a science degree asks, 'Why does it work?'
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, 'How does it work?'
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, 'How much will it cost?'
The graduate with an arts degree asks, 'Do you want fries with that?'
----------------------------------------------------
Understanding Engineers - Take Six
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, 'It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints.' Another said, 'No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections.'
The last one said, 'No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer.
Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?'
----------------------------------------------------
Understanding Engineers - Take Seven
Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.
----------------------------------------------------


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 Post subject: Re: Recycling
PostPosted: Wed Jan 24, 2018 8:48 am 
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:rotfl: :clap:


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 Post subject: Re: Recycling
PostPosted: Wed Jan 24, 2018 7:27 pm 
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I went to buy

some camouflage trousers

the other day,

but I couldn't find any.

=======================================================


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 Post subject: Re: Recycling
PostPosted: Thu Jan 25, 2018 10:59 am 
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Har har :smile:

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:beamup: lswot
eccl 2:13

"A Government big enough to give you every thing you want, is big enough to take away every thing you have."
......Thomas Jefferson......


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 Post subject: Re: Recycling
PostPosted: Thu Jan 25, 2018 11:46 am 
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:lol:


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 Post subject: Re: Recycling
PostPosted: Thu Jan 25, 2018 7:37 pm 
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MY LIVING WILL

Last night my sister and I were sitting in the den and I said to her, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle to keep me alive. That would be no quality of life at all, If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'

So she got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my wine.

She's such a bugger

=======================================================


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 Post subject: Re: Recycling
PostPosted: Fri Jan 26, 2018 2:03 pm 
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:rotfl:


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 Post subject: Re: Recycling
PostPosted: Fri Jan 26, 2018 7:13 pm 
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Dear friends,

I just read an article on the dangers of drinking....

Scared the poop out of me.

So that's it!

After today, no more reading.


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 Post subject: Re: Recycling
PostPosted: Sat Jan 27, 2018 2:51 pm 
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:clap: :rock:


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 Post subject: Re: Recycling
PostPosted: Sat Jan 27, 2018 3:34 pm 
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Quote:
Bob walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. He sat down next to a Congress Woman at the bar and stared up at the TV.

The 10:00 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The Congress Woman looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"

Bob says, "You know, I bet he'll jump."

The Congress Woman replied, "Well, I bet he won't."

Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"

Just as the congress woman placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.

The Congress Woman was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying, "Fair's fair.. Here's your money."

Bob replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news and so I knew he would jump."

The Congresswoman replied, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."

Bob took the money......

(If "con-" is the opposite of "pro-", then "congress" is the opposite of ________? )

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 Post subject: Re: Recycling
PostPosted: Sun Jan 28, 2018 3:06 pm 
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INNOCENCE IS PRICELESS

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names and small American flags mounted on either side of it. The six-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, 'Good morning Alex.'

'Good morning Pastor,' he replied, still focused on the plaque. 'Pastor, what is this?'

The pastor said, 'Well son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.' Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque.

Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear asked, 'Which service, the 8:30 or the 10:45?'


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 Post subject: Re: Recycling
PostPosted: Mon Jan 29, 2018 6:58 pm 
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Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns
Dear Walter: I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbor lady. I am 32, my husband is 34, and we have been married for twelve years.

When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counseling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore.

Can you please help?

Sincerely, Sheila

---------------------------------------------------

Dear Sheila: A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.

I hope this helps.
-Walter


(Yep. She should have written Ask Phoebe. Oh wait, that show ended 12 to 14 years ago, didn't it. Never mind. )

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 Post subject: Re: Recycling
PostPosted: Tue Jan 30, 2018 6:58 pm 
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Scientist: "I think that atom lost an electron."

Assistant: "Are you sure?"

Scientist: "Well, it depends on how reliable this test method is, but it did test positive for the condition."

(Well, let us hope that atom doesn't cause static in the lab, cause that might be shocking. )


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