Recycling

[Henry J]

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A woman is walking on the road and a voice shouts out, "Don't take a step further." She obeys and suddenly a ton of bricks fall on the place where she would have otherwise been. She thinks she imagined it and keeps walking until suddenly the voice calls out again. "Don't take a step further." She stops and a car skids past. Then suddenly she hears the voice saying "I am your guardian angel, and I will warn you before something bad happens to you. Now do you have any questions to ask me?" Yes! Shouts the woman, "Just where were you on my wedding day!"
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[Xjmt]

[Henry J]

"Apparently one in 5 people on Earth is Chinese, and there are 5 people in my family... so one of them must be Chinese.

I don't think it's my mom or my dad, it could be my big brother Colin, or my other brother, Hsung-Tun Tzu. But I'm pretty sure it's Colin."

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[Henry J]

Why men are happier...

WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:

Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures?

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can be President.

You can never be pregnant.

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth..

The world is your urinal.

You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

Same work, more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

One mood all the time. !

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You almost never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

Everything on your face stays its original color.

The same hair style lasts for years, maybe decades.

You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.

One wallet and one pair of shoes in one color for all seasons.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

[lswot]

You wish!

[Henry J]

Two Ways to Look at Everything

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, "Do you know her?"

"Yes," I sighed. "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" said my wife. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

So you see, there really are two ways to look at everything!

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[lswot]

..

[Henry J]

A new substitute for our gas problem:

Sister Mary, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting housebound patients when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it a gas station was just a block away. She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her the only gas can he owned had been loaned out but she could wait until it was returned.

Since the nun was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car. She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. She carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gas, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.

As she was pouring the gas into her tank two men watched from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said, "If it starts, I'm turning Catholic..."

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[Henry J]

Teachers Jokes

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.

(It's elementary! Well, at least as long as nobody compounds the issues. )

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[Henry J]

A farmer wanting to kill a chicken for dinner has to move faster than a speeding pullet.

(And of course, that speeding pullet is poultry in motion! Whether crossing a road or not. )

(And if he does catch it, would that be a pullet surprise? )

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[Henry J]

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

(Of course! After all, every calendar's days are numbered... )

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[Henry J]

Female Jokes

A tactical wife is one who makes sure she spends so much on herself that her husband can't afford another woman.

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(Charge! )

[lswot]

..

[Henry J]

Female Jokes

Dear John,

I have been unable to sleep since I broke off our engagement.
Won't you forgive and forget? Your absence is breaking my heart.
I was a fool, nobody can take your place. I love you.

All my love,

Belinda. xxxxoooxxxx

P.S. Congratulations on winning this week's lottery.

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[lswot]

she probably shouldn't have made that last remark.