Recycling

[lswot]

....rut roh

[Henry J]

Rut ro -> Scooby Doo

[Henry J]

Martha Stewart will not be dining with us this Thanksgiving.

I'm telling you in advance, so don't act surprised. Since Ms. Stewart won't be coming, I've made a few small changes:

Our sidewalk will not be lined with homemade, paper bag luminaries. After a trial run, it was decided that no matter how cleverly done, rows of flaming lunch sacks do not have the desired welcoming effect.

The dining table will not be covered with expensive linens, fancy china or crystal goblets. If possible, we will use dishes that match and everyone will get a fork. Since this IS Thanksgiving, we will refrain from using the plastic Peter Rabbit plate and the Santa napkins from last Christmas.

Our centerpiece will not be the tower of fresh fruit and flowers that I promised. Instead it will be a decoration hand-crafted from the finest construction paper. The artist assures me it is a turkey.

We will be dining fashionably late. The children will entertain you while you wait. I'm sure they will be happy to share every choice comment I have made regarding Thanksgiving, pilgrims and the turkey hotline. Please remember that most of these comments were made at 5:00 a.m. upon discovering that the turkey was still hard enough to cut diamonds.

As accompaniment to the children's recital, I will play a recording of tribal drumming. If the children should mention that I don't own a recording of tribal drumming, or that tribal drumming sounds suspiciously like a frozen turkey in a clothes dryer, ignore them. They are lying.

We toyed with the idea of ringing a dainty silver bell to announce the start of our feast. In the end, we chose to keep our traditional method. We've also decided against a formal seating arrangement. When the smoke alarm sounds, please gather around the table and sit where you like. In the spirit of harmony, we will ask the children to sit at a separate table. In a separate room. Next door.

Now I know you have all seen pictures of one person carving a turkey in front of a crowd of appreciative onlookers. This will not be happening at our dinner. For safety reasons, the turkey will be carved in a private ceremony. I stress "private," meaning, do not, under any circumstances, enter the kitchen to laugh at me. Do not send small, unsuspecting children to check on my progress. I have an electric knife. The turkey is unarmed. It stands to reason that I will eventually win. When I do, we will eat.

Before I forget, there is one last change. Instead of offering a choice between 12 different scrumptious desserts, we will be serving the traditional pumpkin pie, garnished with whipped cream and small fingerprints. You will still have a choice: take it or leave it.

Martha Stewart will not be dining with us this Thanksgiving. She probably won't come next year either.

I am thankful.

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[Henry J]

A turkey crossing the road is poultry in motion.

[Henry J]

Idiots Jokes

"Doctor, I have a son who thinks he's a chicken," said the man.

"Why don't you bring him in for treatment?" asked the doctor.

"We need the eggs," replied the man.

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When Tonto needs money, does he go to the Loan Arranger?

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[lswot]

{sigh}

[Henry J]

There was a yolk in there!

[lswot]

There was a yolk in there!

HarHar

[Henry J]

Subject: Angels

One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the evil that was going on.

He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check it out.

So he called one of His best angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time.

When she returned she told God, yes it is bad on Earth, 95% is bad and 5% is good.

Well, he thought for a moment and said maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another point of view.

So God called another angel and sent her to Earth for a time too.

When the angel returned she went to God and told him yes, the Earth was in decline, 95% was bad and 5% was good.

God said this was not good.

So He decided to e-mail the 5% that were good and He wanted to encourage them, give them a little something to help them keep going.
*
*
*
*
*
*
Do you know what the email said?
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
You didn't get one either, huh?

[lswot]

...

[Henry J]

Educational Jokes

This past fall semester, at Duke University, there were two sophomores who were taking Organic Chemistry and who did pretty well on all of the quizzes, midterms, labs, etc. Going into the final exam, they had solid "A's."

These two friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week (even though the Chem. final was on Monday), they decided to go up to University of Virginia to a party with some friends.

So they did this and had a great time. However, they ended up staying longer than they planned, and they didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, they found Professor Aldric after the final and explained to him why they missed it. They told him that they went up to Virginia for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back and didn't have a spare and couldn't get help for a long time. So they were late getting back to campus.

Aldric thought this over and agreed that they could make up the final on the following day. The two guys were elated and relieved. So, they studied that night and went in the next day at the time that Aldric had told them.

He placed them in separate rooms, handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin. They looked at the first problem, which was something simple about free radical formation and was worth 5 points. "Cool" they thought, "this is going to be easy." They did that problem and then turned the page.

They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on the next page.

It said: (95 points) "Which tire?"

Oh... My... Grade...

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[Henry J]

A young woman is with her boyfriend.

"John, I am breaking up with you."

"But Why Mary?"

"I think you only love me because my uncle gave me two million dollars."

"That is absolutely not true." John pleads. "I would love you no matter who gave you the money."

(So it wasn't the theory of relativity after all? )

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[Henry J]

Male Jokes [even though nothing in it depends on gender, and I've seen the same joke with women characters in it... ]

This guy pulls into a crowded parking lot and rolled down the car windows to make sure his dog had fresh air. The dog was stretched out in the back seat, and the guy wanted to impress upon he that he must remain there. The guy walked to the curb backward, pointing his finger at the car and saying emphatically, “Now you stay. Do you hear me? Stay!”

The driver of a nearby car gave the guy a startled look “I don’t know about you, man,” he said incredulously. “But I usually just put my car in park.”

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[Henry J]

Now then Ladies and Germs... Mister Henny Youngman!

*Take my wife — please!
*My wife is a light eater. As soon as it's light, she starts eating.
*My wife was at the beauty shop for two hours, and that was only for the estimate.
*My wife is the sweetest, most tolerant, most beautiful woman in the world. This has been a paid political announcement.
*Look, I'm not going to engage in a battle of wits with you. I never attack an unarmed opponent.
*I like you — I have no taste — but I like you.
*I think the world of you ... and you know what condition the world is in today.

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(Hey, I just copy/paste - I didn't write it! )

[Henry J]

The action movie had a spectacular scene where the bad guy blew up a convenience store. The building and the gas pumps in front were engulfed in a huge ball of fire. "Wow!" my husband gasped.

I was about to say, "That was a pretty impressive explosion," when he continued, "Did you see the price of regular? A dollar eighty-nine a gallon."

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