Recycling

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If it doesn't fit in any of the other forums, it goes here. Knock yerself out.

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lswot
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Re: Recycling

Post by lswot » Tue Jul 04, 2017 9:55 am

:bdsmile:
Henry J wrote:The fourth is with us today.
:bdsmile: God Bless America!

Have a safe and sane holiday!!!
:beamup: lswot
eccl 2:13

"A Government big enough to give you every thing you want, is big enough to take away every thing you have."
......Thomas Jefferson......

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Re: Recycling

Post by Henry J » Wed Jul 05, 2017 5:55 pm

Work Jokes

The old accountant retired after forty years, and on the top drawer of his desk they found a note that said: "debits in the columns toward the file cabinet. Credits in the column toward the window."

(I guess sometimes there's just no accounting, is there? But, credit where it's due, I guess! :) )

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Re: Recycling

Post by Henry J » Thu Jul 06, 2017 6:09 pm

Miscellaneous Jokes

Hello, and welcome to the Mental Health Hotline.

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press-no-one will answer.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line.

If you have amnesia press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number and your mother's maiden name.

If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.

If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you.

(Of course, anybody who calls a mental health hotline should have their head examined... And not by a phrenologist... )

(If some fraction of the populace suffer from (fill in the blank), do the rest enjoy it? )

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Re: Recycling

Post by Henry J » Fri Jul 07, 2017 4:21 pm

Animal Jokes

Having arrived at the edge of the river, the fisherman soon realized he had forgotten to bring any bait. Just then he happened to see a little snake passing by who had caught a worm. The fisherman snatched up the snake and robbed him of his worm. Feeling sorry for the little snake with no lunch, he snatched him up again and poured a little beer down his throat. Then he went about his fishing.
An hour or so later the fisherman felt a tug at his pant leg. Looking down, he saw the same snake with three more worms in his mouth...
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Re: Recycling

Post by Henry J » Sat Jul 08, 2017 1:58 pm

Entertainment Jokes

Two passengers on a ship are talking. "Can you swim?" Asks one.

"No," says the other, "but I can shout for help in nine languages."

(Watch yer tongue! What do you mean, you can't, it's in your mouth? )

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Re: Recycling

Post by Henry J » Sun Jul 09, 2017 2:00 pm

Kid Jokes

Two boy scouts went on a nature hike in the hills picking hickory nuts.

Along the way, they filled their small pails and then started to fill their pockets and shirts.

When they could hold no more nuts, they started down the country road until they came across a cemetery. The boys decided that would be a good place to stop and rest and divide out the nuts.

The two boys sat in the shade of a large oak tree and unloaded their pockets and buckets by dumping all of the nuts in a large pile.

In the process, two of them rolled away and rested near the road. The boys then proceeded to divide out the nuts. "One for you. One for me. One for you. One for me."

As they were doing this, another boy was passing by and happened to hear them. He looked into the cemetery, but could not see the boys, because they were obscured by the tree. He hesitated a moment and then ran back to town.

"Father! Father!" he yelled as he entered his house. "The cemetery. Come quick!"

"What's the matter?" his father asked.

"No time to explain," the boy frantically panted. "Follow me!"

The boy and his father ran up the country road and stopped when they reached the cemetery. They stopped at the side of the road and all fell silent for a few moments. Then the father asked his son what was wrong.

"Do you hear that?" he whispered. Both people listened intently and heard the Scouts. "One for me. One for you. One for me. One for you..."

The boy then blurted out, "The devil and the Lord are dividing the souls!"

The father was skeptical but silent -- until a few moments later as the Scouts completed dividing out the nuts and one Scout said to the other, "Now, as soon as we get those two nuts down by the road, we'll have them all."

(Well, NUTS!)

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Re: Recycling

Post by Henry J » Mon Jul 10, 2017 6:27 pm

Subject: Dog Tales

Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle. The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.

The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.

Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, "The first one who can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me."

The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says, "I love liver and cheese."

"Oh, how childish," said the Poodle. "That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever."

She turns to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and says "How well can you do?"

"Um. I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the Golden Retriever..

"My, my," said the Poodle. "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the Lab's sentence."

She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, "How about you, little guy?"

The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell Chihuahua.

He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says..................................
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*

Liver alone. Cheese mine."

*******************

Well that's chihuahuas for ya; the dog what had a state named after it, due south of El Paso, TX.

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Re: Recycling

Post by Henry J » Tue Jul 11, 2017 6:25 pm

Entertainment Jokes

A man looking for love sent his picture to the Lonely Hearts Club.

The reply came back, "We are not that lonely."

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Business Jokes

A traveling salesman was held up in the west by a rainstorm and flood. He e-mails his office in NY: "Delayed by storm. Send instructions"

His boss e-mails back: "Start vacation immediately"

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Re: Recycling

Post by Henry J » Wed Jul 12, 2017 4:04 pm

Entertainment Jokes

Bill, Jim, and Scott were at a convention together and were sharing a large suite on the top of a 75-story skyscraper. After a long day of meetings they were shocked to hear that the elevators in their hotel were broken and they would have to climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their room. Bill said to Jim and Scott, let's break the monotony of this unpleasant task by concentrating on something interesting. I'll tell jokes for 25 flights, and Jim can sing songs for 25 flights, and Scott can tell sad stories the rest of the way. At the 26th floor Bill stopped telling jokes and Jim began to sing. At the 51st floor Jim stopped singing and Scott began to tell sad stories. "I will tell my saddest story first," he said. "I left the room key in the car!"

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Re: Recycling

Post by lswot » Wed Jul 12, 2017 5:22 pm

.. :shock: :-D
:beamup: lswot
eccl 2:13

"A Government big enough to give you every thing you want, is big enough to take away every thing you have."
......Thomas Jefferson......

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Re: Recycling

Post by Henry J » Thu Jul 13, 2017 4:52 pm

Question / Answer Jokes

Q. What did the digital clock say to the analog clock?

A. Look, No hands!

(Not Tick-Tock?)

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Re: Recycling

Post by lswot » Thu Jul 13, 2017 5:13 pm

Henry J wrote:Question / Answer Jokes

Q. What did the digital clock say to the analog clock?

A. Look, No hands!

(Not Tick-Tock?)

======================================
How much 'time' did it take to come up with this one?
:beamup: lswot
eccl 2:13

"A Government big enough to give you every thing you want, is big enough to take away every thing you have."
......Thomas Jefferson......

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Re: Recycling

Post by Xjmt » Thu Jul 13, 2017 6:05 pm

:rotfl:

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Re: Recycling

Post by Henry J » Thu Jul 13, 2017 8:13 pm

lswot wrote:
Henry J wrote:Question / Answer Jokes

Q. What did the digital clock say to the analog clock?

A. Look, No hands!

(Not Tick-Tock?)

======================================
How much 'time' did it take to come up with this one?
No temporal mechanics were involved. ;)

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lswot
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Re: Recycling

Post by lswot » Fri Jul 14, 2017 9:50 am

always ready with an answer..... :smile:
:beamup: lswot
eccl 2:13

"A Government big enough to give you every thing you want, is big enough to take away every thing you have."
......Thomas Jefferson......

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