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 Post subject: Re: Recycling
PostPosted: Sun Dec 10, 2017 12:04 pm 
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Royal Decree

==========================================================

During the Middle Ages, there was an old king who ruled a vast kingdom.

King Cole was a kind ruler, but he was known for his slightly mad decrees.

For example, one year, he decreed that the cabbage tithed to him be diced and covered in mayonnaise.

It was, of course, called Cole’s Law.

==========================================================

(And I reckon that decree was made during his salad days?)


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 Post subject: Re: Recycling
PostPosted: Mon Dec 11, 2017 7:14 pm 
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Wisdom of Larry the Cable Guy: Read slowly

1. A day without sunshine is like night. [Or like a polar region in winter?]

2. On the other hand, you have different fingers. [Unless you're all thumbs.]

3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot. [Insufficient Data.]

4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. [Ah, more statistics.]

5. Remember, half the people you know are below average. [Or more precisely, below the median]

6. He who laughs last thinks the slowest. [Bwahahaha... ha?]

7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. [GRR!]

8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap. [Hold the worm. Or go fishing.]

9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have. [Guess that's what probiotics are for?]

10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. [What was I gonna do?]

11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines. [On contrary, it changes the amount of change in your pocket.]

12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments. [That too changes the amount in your pocket.]

==========================================================


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 Post subject: Re: Recycling
PostPosted: Tue Dec 12, 2017 6:50 pm 
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13. How many of you believe in psychokinesis? Raise my hand. [That one I'll leave for Uncle Martin to deal with.]

14. OK, so what's the speed of dark? [It must be pretty fast, given that so many people are in the dark already.]

15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. [The light at the end of the tunnel?]

16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now. [Procrastinate NOW!]

17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges? [How about the quicker picker upper?]

18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. [De plane! De plane!]

19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice? [BOO! BOO! - Yogi.]

20. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name? [Not to mention winning the lottery.]

21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, "What the heck happened?" [Also, what was I here after?]

22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off. [And vacuums would have been invented a lot sooner.]

23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. [Yep. It's better to be thought dumb than to open ones mouth and remove all doubt.]

24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates; it's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your a$$ tomorrow. [In that case, procrastinate!]

==========================================================


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 Post subject: Re: Recycling
PostPosted: Wed Dec 13, 2017 6:37 pm 
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Musician Jokes

This fellow was a very good harp player and wound up playing a gig in San Francisco, at a pub named Sam Fran's Disco. When his gig was up and he returned home, he found out he had forgotten his harp. When he told his wife he had to go right back, she wanted to know why. He said, "Because I left my harp in Sam Fran's Disco".

(Home is where the harp is?)

========================================================


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 Post subject: Re: Recycling
PostPosted: Thu Dec 14, 2017 12:50 pm 
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Location: California
...oh my.... :smile:

_________________
:beamup: lswot
eccl 2:13

"A Government big enough to give you every thing you want, is big enough to take away every thing you have."
......Thomas Jefferson......


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 Post subject: Re: Recycling
PostPosted: Thu Dec 14, 2017 3:20 pm 
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lswot wrote:
...oh my.... :smile:


Don't encourage him! :coffee:


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 Post subject: Re: Recycling
PostPosted: Thu Dec 14, 2017 3:32 pm 
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Well thank you for that lack of support...

:smile:


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 Post subject: Re: Recycling
PostPosted: Fri Dec 15, 2017 8:25 pm 
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Bar & Drinking Jokes

A ghost walks into a bar at midnight, and asks the bartender for a Whisky.

The bartender says "Sorry we don't serve spirits after 11".

==============================================================


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 Post subject: Re: Recycling
PostPosted: Sat Dec 16, 2017 4:48 pm 
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Marriage Jokes

Morty was in his usual place in the morning sitting at the table, reading the paper after breakfast. He came across an article about a beautiful actress that was about to marry a football player who was known primarily for his lack of IQ and common knowledge. He turned to his wife with a look of question on his face. "I'll never understand why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives."

His wife replied, "Why thank you, dear!"

==============================================================


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 Post subject: Re: Recycling
PostPosted: Sun Dec 17, 2017 12:03 pm 
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Why can't you take a turkey to church?
Because they use such FOWL language.

Can a turkey jump higher than the Empire State Building?
Yes - a building can't jump at all.

If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?
Pilgrims!

Which side of the turkey has the most feathers?
The outside.

What did the turkey say before it was roasted?
Boy! I'm stuffed!

==============================================================


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 Post subject: Re: Recycling
PostPosted: Mon Dec 18, 2017 8:12 pm 
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2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children."
--Author Unknown

3) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."
--Drew Carey

4) "The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house."
--Jeff Foxworthy

5) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base."
--Dave Barry

6) "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, the day before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."
--Bob Ettinger

7) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said,'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'"
--Paula Poundstone

==============================================================


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 Post subject: Re: Recycling
PostPosted: Tue Dec 19, 2017 6:58 pm 
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8) "A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: "Duh."
--Conan O'Brien

9) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God.... I could be eating a slow learner."
--Lynda Montgomery

10) "I think that's how Chicago got started. Bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'"
--Richard Jeni

11) "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead."
--Johnny Carson

12) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
--Paul Rodriguez

13) "My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law."
--Jerry Seinfeld

==============================================================


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 Post subject: Re: Recycling
PostPosted: Wed Dec 20, 2017 7:14 pm 
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14) "Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?"
--Warren Hutcherson

15) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same."
--Oscar Wilde

16) "Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress... But I repeat myself."
-- Mark Twain

18) "You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right!I never would've thought of that!'"
--Dave Barry

19) Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Because "Mad Cow Disease" was taken --Unknown, presumed deceased

20) "Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer."
- W. C. Fields

And lastly: Why the heck should I have to Press 1 for English?

==============================================================


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 Post subject: Re: Recycling
PostPosted: Thu Dec 21, 2017 1:39 pm 
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================================================
~~~TWELVE DAYS OF CHRISTMAS~~~
================================================
December 14, 1972
My dearest darling John:
Who ever in the whole world would dream of getting a real Partridge in a Pear Tree? How can I ever express my pleasure. Thank you a hundred times for thinking of me this way.
My love always,
Agnes
================================================
December 15, 1972
Dearest John:
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine two turtle doves. I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.
All my love,
Agnes
================================================
December 16, 1972
Dear John:
Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one. Now I must protest. I don't deserve such generosity, three French hens. They are just darling but I must insist, you've been too kind.
All my love,
Agnes
================================================
December 17, 1972
Dear John:
Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really, they are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough. You are being too romantic.
Affectionately,
Agnes
================================================

To be continued...


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 Post subject: Re: Recycling
PostPosted: Fri Dec 22, 2017 2:59 pm 
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================================================
~~~TWELVE DAYS OF CHRISTMAS~~~ continued
================================================
December 18, 1972
Dearest John:
What a surprise. Today the postman delivered five golden rings, one for every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.
All my love,
Agnes
=================================================
December 19, 1972
Dear John:
When I opened the door today there were actually six geese laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again huh? These geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. Please stop.
Cordially,
Agnes
================================================
December 20, 1972
John:
What's with you and those freaking birds?? Seven swans a swimming. What kind of damn joke is this? There's bird poop all over the house and they never stop the racket. I can't sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck. It's not funny. So stop those freaking birds.
Sincerely,
Agnes
================================================
December 21, 1972
O.K. Buster:
I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with 8 maids a milking? It's not enough with all those birds and 8 maids a milking, but they had to bring their damn cows. There is manure all over the lawn and I can't move in my own house. Just lay off me, smarta$$.
Agnes
================================================

To be continued...


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