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 Post subject: Re: Recycling
PostPosted: Thu Jan 04, 2018 1:56 pm 
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 Post subject: Re: Recycling
PostPosted: Thu Jan 04, 2018 7:20 pm 
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Sad news to report

Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.

Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

If this made you smile for even a brief second, please rise to the occasion and take time to pass it on and share that smile with someone else who may be having a crumby day and kneads it


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 Post subject: Re: Recycling
PostPosted: Fri Jan 05, 2018 7:15 pm 
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Airline Announcements

United Flight Attendant announced, 'People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!

*************************************

On landing, the stewardess said, 'Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have. '

*************************************

'There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane'

*************************************

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a 'Thanks for flying our airline.' He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane.

She said, 'Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?'

'Why, no, Ma'am,' said the pilot. 'What is it?'

The little old lady said, 'Did we land, or were we shot down?'

***************************************

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: 'Whoa, big fella, WHOA!'

*******************************************


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 Post subject: Re: Recycling
PostPosted: Sat Jan 06, 2018 8:15 am 
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Those were good...... :D

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"A Government big enough to give you every thing you want, is big enough to take away every thing you have."
......Thomas Jefferson......


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 Post subject: Re: Recycling
PostPosted: Sat Jan 06, 2018 4:33 pm 
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Part 2 of 3

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, 'Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because sure as hell everything has shifted after a landing like that.'

*************************************

Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: 'We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.'

*************************************

Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo , Texas on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!'

***********************************

'Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments.'

***********************************

'As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses...... except for that gentleman over there.'

******************************************

Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: 'We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways.'

****************************************


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 Post subject: Re: Recycling
PostPosted: Sat Jan 06, 2018 5:28 pm 
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.... :lol:

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eccl 2:13

"A Government big enough to give you every thing you want, is big enough to take away every thing you have."
......Thomas Jefferson......


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 Post subject: Re: Recycling
PostPosted: Sun Jan 07, 2018 2:15 pm 
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:rotfl:

And when do we get part 3??


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 Post subject: Re: Recycling
PostPosted: Sun Jan 07, 2018 2:58 pm 
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And when do we get part 3??

When I get a round to-it. :smile:


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 Post subject: Re: Recycling
PostPosted: Sun Jan 07, 2018 3:01 pm 
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Part 3 of 3

Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City. The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, 'That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt.'

****************************************

After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix , the attendant came on with, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.'

****************************************

Heard on a Southwest Airline flight - 'Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em.'

****************************************

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, 'Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!' Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!'

A passenger in Coach yelled, 'That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!'

****************************************

De plane! De plane!

****************************************


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 Post subject: Re: Recycling
PostPosted: Sun Jan 07, 2018 6:10 pm 
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oh my..... :D

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eccl 2:13

"A Government big enough to give you every thing you want, is big enough to take away every thing you have."
......Thomas Jefferson......


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 Post subject: Re: Recycling
PostPosted: Mon Jan 08, 2018 7:59 pm 
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When the human cannonball retired from the circus, they had to find a replacement.

Trouble is, it was real hard to find somebody else of the same caliber.

**************************************************


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 Post subject: Re: Recycling
PostPosted: Tue Jan 09, 2018 12:00 pm 
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(groan) :smile:

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eccl 2:13

"A Government big enough to give you every thing you want, is big enough to take away every thing you have."
......Thomas Jefferson......


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 Post subject: Re: Recycling
PostPosted: Tue Jan 09, 2018 8:32 pm 
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An "early" Thanksgiving story....
A man was driving down a country road one day at 45 miles per hour when suddenly he noticed a three-legged turkey running at the same speed beside his truck. Though he thought this odd, the man decided to speed up so he wouldn't cause an accident with the turkey.

The man sped up to 55 miles per hour, but low and behold, so did the three-legged turkey. The man then sped up to 65
miles per hour only to again be equaled in speed by the three-legged turkey.

As the man watched in amazement, the turkey suddenly made a sharp left turn and took off down a side road toward
a small farm. The man quickly also made the left turn and followed the turkey to the small farm, parking out front.

Looking around the man found the farmer around back in the midst of many three-legged turkeys. After greeting the farmer,
the man asked him why he was raising three-legged turkeys.

"Well we figure," said the farmer, "that with an average family of three people, only two can have a turkey leg with an average turkey. But with a three-legged turkey, each member of the family can enjoy a turkey leg for of their own on Thanksgiving."

"That's pretty wise," said the man, who then asked "Well how do your three-legged turkeys taste?"

"I don't know," said the farmer. "We've never been able to catch one."

**************************************************

(Gobble? Gobble?)


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 Post subject: Re: Recycling
PostPosted: Wed Jan 10, 2018 5:05 pm 
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Have you met the "middle wife"??

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The "Middle Wife" by an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher

I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade classroom a few years back.

When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.

She holds up a snapshot of an infant. "This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday."

"First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord."

She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.

"Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. "She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' (Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning..)

"My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this." (Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall..)

"And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!" (This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much!)

"Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe. They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom's play-center, so there must be a lot of toys inside there."

Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another "Middle Wife" comes along.

*********************************************************


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 Post subject: Re: Recycling
PostPosted: Thu Jan 11, 2018 2:29 pm 
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:clap: :biggthumbup: :rotfl:


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