Recycling

[Henry J]

Doctors Jokes

"Doctor! There's fly in the ointment!"
"Yes, I know, he's recovering from a nasty soup-burn."

(Let us fly, said the flea. Let us flee, said the fly. And they flew through a flaw in the flue. But I guess doing that soots them. )

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[Henry J]

Wisdom of a Child

LITTLE SUSIE complained to her mother that she had a stomachache.

"That's because your stomach is empty," said her mom. "You would feel a whole lot better if you had something in it."

Later that day, their pastor dropped in for a visit and remarked that he had a headache.

Susie perked up. "My mom says that's because it's empty. You'd feel much better if you had something in it!"

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[Henry J]

Family Jokes

"How are you getting on with your football, Jack?"
"Well, Dad, pretty good. The coach said I was one of the team's greatest drawbacks!"

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[Henry J]

Miscellaneous Jokes

On a crowded Saturday morning I was walking toward a large grocery store. I saw two men fighting over the last grocery cart. Each one was holding on to it, jerking it away from the other. You've heard of road rage and now cart rage! What is the world coming to?

I got closer to the store; I still could not hear what the men were saying to each other. Must have been mean. I wondered what I should do. Talk to the store manager? What should I say to these men? Cart rage! Impatience!
I got closer yet to the store. This fight looks serious. Can't they wait for a customer to leave? The cart rage goes on! Neither one yielding to the other.

I'm finally close enough to hear the two men. Oh! No! One last jerk and the two men broke the cart in half. Now what? Then I hear one man say to the other: "Thanks for helping me separate these two carts."

(Don't put the carts before the horses... )

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[Henry J]

Kid Jokes

Q. Why did the kid eat his homework?
A. His teacher said it was a piece of cake.

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One who misses the boat is off quay.
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[Henry J]

Family Jokes

Joan and her neighbor are talking about their daughters, Joan says, my daughter is at the university. She's very bright, you know. Every time we get a letter from her we have to go to the dictionary.

Her neighbor says you are lucky every time we hear from our daughter we have to go to the bank.

(I guess it's a matter of degree? )

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[lswot]

"(I guess it's a matter of degree? )"

Indubitably!!

[Henry J]

Miscellaneous Jokes

When a fellow called a motel and asked how much they charged for a room, the clerk told him that the rates depended on room size and number of people. "Do you take children?" the man asked.

"No, sir," replied the clerk. "Only cash and credit cards."

(Picky, picky! )

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[Henry J]

Entertainment Jokes

The diner was furious when his steak arrived too rare. "
Waiter," he barked, "didn't you hear me say 'well done'?
"I can't thank you enough, sir," replied the waiter.
"I hardly ever get a compliment."

(Methinks I can get why the compliments are, er, rare... )

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[Henry J]

PRICELESS

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove. I left early to go get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. love you darling! Love, Meghan

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee, and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... what happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."

Confused he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, lady, I'm married!

Broken Coffee Table: $139.00
Hot Breakfast: $4.20
Two Aspirins: $0.38

Saying the right thing, at the right time: Priceless.

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[Henry J]

The vocalist was practicing in the church with all the windows open.

As she stepped outside for a whiff of fresh air, she noticed the gardener trimming the shrubs. "How did you like my execution?" she asked.

The gardener without turning to look at her said, "I'm in favor of it."

(I wonder if there might be a different interpretation of words there? )

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[Henry J]

History

Later in the day, the history teacher was lecturing on the founding of Roman civilization and asked the class "When was Rome built?"

Wee Willie immediately raised his hand and responded "At night!"

The teacher frowned and asked where he had learned that. Wee Willie replied: "My dad - he always says that Rome wasn't built in a day..."

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[Henry J]

Chemistry

The chemistry teacher at Strathtweed High School asked if anyone in the class could recall the chemical composition of water - which he had given in the previous lesson.

Wee Willie Forsyth's hand shot up and he responded "H-I-J-K-L-M-N-O sir!"

The teacher was stunned and asked "Where did you get that from?"

Wee Willie replied "It was you, sir. You said yesterday that the chemical composition of water was H to O."

(And to think, one would expect chemistry to be an elementary subject, right? )

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[lswot]

Good one

[Henry J]

Doctor

The psychiatrist said sternly to the patient: "If you think you are walking out of here cured after only three sessions, you are crazy."

(I've heard that anybody who goes to a psychiatrist should get their head examined.)

(Some percentage of the populations suffers from insanity. Does that mean the rest enjoy it? )

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