Recycling

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If it doesn't fit in any of the other forums, it goes here. Knock yerself out.

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Henry J
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Re: Recycling

Post by Henry J » Fri Aug 18, 2017 6:29 pm

"Elementary, My Dear Watson..."

On a warm summer night, Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip together. As they lay down for the night, Holmes replied to Watson:

"Look up into the sky and tell me what you see."

"I see millions and millions of stars," Watson observed.

"Very astute, Watson! And what does that tell you?"

Watson thought for a moment and then nervously replied, "Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and that we are small and insignificant. And, uh...meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

Watson glanced over at Sherlock and noticed a look of consternation on his face. Unsure if he'd spoken correctly, he decided to prompt and response from Sherlock and replied, "Um...perhaps, I'm wrong. What does it tell you?"

Sherlock pursed his lips, looked intently into the night air and replied:

"Somebody stole our tent."

(Well, to all in tents and purposes, that was elementary. )

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Re: Recycling

Post by Henry J » Sat Aug 19, 2017 4:25 pm

Out of the mouths of Children. (part 1 of 2)

These have to be original and genuine - no adult is this creative!

Butt Dust & Fleas

MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she Was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, "If you don't Remember you have to look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six."

STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom goodnight. "I love you so Much, that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window."

BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a painkiller. She tried in Vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom Explained it was a childproof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes Wide with wonder, the little girl asked: "How does it know it's me?"

SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. "Please Don't give me this juice again," she said, "It makes my teeth cough."

MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and Kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: "Why is he whispering in her mouth?"

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Re: Recycling

Post by Henry J » Sun Aug 20, 2017 11:03 am

Out of the mouths of Children. (part 2 of 2)

These have to be original and genuine - no adult is this creative!

Drew (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: "How much do I Cost?"

CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, "I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get ! married. How will my wife fit in?"

TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for awhile and then asked, "Why doesn't your skin fit your face?"

JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: "The man Named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife Looked back and was turned to salt." Concerned, James asked: "What happened to the flea?"

The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget.... this particular Sunday sermon..."Dear Lord," the minister began, with arms extended toward Heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. "Without you, we are but Dust." He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter (who was listening!) leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill Little girl voice, "Mommy, what is butt dust?"

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Re: Recycling

Post by Henry J » Mon Aug 21, 2017 5:50 pm

Fw: slackers

If you've ever worked for a boss that reacts before thinking things through, you will love this...!

A large company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. This new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business!

He walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, "How much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised! , the young fellow looked at him and replied, "I make $300 a week. Why?"

The CEO then handed the guy $1,200 in cash and screamed, "Here's four weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back."

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?"

From across the room came a voice, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."

(Pizza! Pizza! )

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So, who out there was in the dark today, even if not quite as badly as the boss in the above?

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Re: Recycling

Post by Henry J » Tue Aug 22, 2017 6:36 pm

In Soviet Russia, a Circus came to town.

A Czechoslovakian midget escaped from the circus and the KGB were after him.

Running into a blind alley, he bangs on the door.

the door opens slightly.

the midget says

"Can You Cache a small Czech?"

(Small and at large? There should be a medium in there somewhere! Hey, what if the midget was also a psychic? :) )

===========================================

(I expect to be offline tomorrow night.)

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Re: Recycling

Post by lswot » Wed Aug 23, 2017 9:32 am

"(I expect to be offline tomorrow night.)"
Oh, no.....say it isn't so! :smile:
:beamup: lswot
eccl 2:13

"A Government big enough to give you every thing you want, is big enough to take away every thing you have."
......Thomas Jefferson......

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Re: Recycling

Post by Henry J » Thu Aug 24, 2017 2:35 pm

Request denied. :D

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Re: Recycling

Post by Henry J » Thu Aug 24, 2017 8:17 pm

Subject: What Were They Thinking?

Funny what happens when you take the spaces out of some company names...
What were they thinking?

All of these are legitimate companies that didn't spend quite enough time considering how their online names might appear ... and be misread.

1. Who Represents is where you can find the name of the agent that represents any celebrity. Their Web site is
http://www.whorepresents.com
2. Experts Exchange is a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at
http://www.expertsexchange.com
3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at
http://www.penisland.net
4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at
http://www.therapistfinder.com
5. There's the Italian Power Generator company,
http://www.powergenitalia.com
6. And don't forget the Mole Station Native Nursery in New South Wales,
http://www.molestationnursery.com
7. If you're looking for IP computer software, there's always
http://www.ipanywhere.com
8. The First Cumming Methodist Church Web site is
http://www.cummingfirst.com
9. And the designers at Speed of Art await you at their wacky Web site,
http://www.speedofart.com

==========================================

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lswot
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Re: Recycling

Post by lswot » Fri Aug 25, 2017 10:05 am

I sense a theme, here. :lol:
:beamup: lswot
eccl 2:13

"A Government big enough to give you every thing you want, is big enough to take away every thing you have."
......Thomas Jefferson......

Henry J
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Re: Recycling

Post by Henry J » Fri Aug 25, 2017 12:27 pm

Then there was when Chevy tried to sell their "Nova" model in Latin America. (In Spanish, "nova" means "it don't go" :D )

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Re: Recycling

Post by lswot » Fri Aug 25, 2017 5:14 pm

Henry J wrote:Then there was when Chevy tried to sell their "Nova" model in Latin America. (In Spanish, "nova" means "it don't go" :D )
...... :lol:
:beamup: lswot
eccl 2:13

"A Government big enough to give you every thing you want, is big enough to take away every thing you have."
......Thomas Jefferson......

Henry J
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Re: Recycling

Post by Henry J » Fri Aug 25, 2017 6:00 pm

Dear Abby:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and when I confront him he denies everything.
What's worse, everyone knows he cheats on me. It is so humiliating! And since
he lost his job seven years ago, he hasn't bothered to look for a new one. All he does is smoke cigars and cruise around with his buddies shooting the bull while I have to work to pay the bills.
Since our daughter went off to college he doesn't even pretend to like me, and he hints to his friends that I may be a lesbian. What can I do?

Signed,
Clueless

Dear Clueless,

Grow up and dump him! Good Grief, woman, you don't need him any more.

You're a United States Senator from New York. Act like one!

=================================================

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Re: Recycling

Post by lswot » Sat Aug 26, 2017 8:50 am

AND don't Stand by him :lol:
:beamup: lswot
eccl 2:13

"A Government big enough to give you every thing you want, is big enough to take away every thing you have."
......Thomas Jefferson......

Henry J
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Re: Recycling

Post by Henry J » Sat Aug 26, 2017 4:25 pm

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!"

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."

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Re: Recycling

Post by Henry J » Sun Aug 27, 2017 9:54 am

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

The man said, "I do, Father."

The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."

Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.

"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."

The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."

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