Recycling

[Henry J]

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Computer Help Desk
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Computer Help Desk
Helpdesk: What kind of computer do you have?
Customer: A beige one...

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Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
Helpdesk: Have you tried pushing the button?
Customer: Yes, but it's really stuck.
Helpdesk: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note .
Customer: No, wait a minute, I haven't inserted it yet, it's still on my desk, sorry.

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Helpdesk: Click on the 'My Computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?

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Helpdesk: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Helpdesk: Would you click on start for me and ...
Customer: Listen pal, don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates!

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[Henry J]

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Computer Help Desk
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Hi good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...

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Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Helpdesk: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: No.

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Helpdesk: What's on your monitor now ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the supermarket.

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Helpdesk: And now hit F8.
Customer: It's not working.
Helpdesk: What did you do, exactly?
Customer: I hit the F-key 8-times as you told me, but nothing's happening...

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[Henry J]

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Computer Help Desk
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Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Helpdesk: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Helpdesk: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: OK
Helpdesk: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Helpdesk: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work!

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Helpdesk: Your password is the small letter "a" as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, and the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?

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A customer couldn't get on the Internet.
Helpdesk: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Helpdesk: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.

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Helpdesk: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Helpdesk: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.

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[lswot]

[Henry J]

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Computer Help Desk
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Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screensaver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears!

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Helpdesk: Microsoft Tech. Support, may I help you?
Customer: Good afternoon! I have waited over 4 hours for you.
Can you please tell me how long it will take before you can help me?
Helpdesk: Uhh..? Pardon, I don't understand your problem?
Customer: I was working in Word and clicked the help button
more than 4 hours ago. Can you tell me when you will finally be helping me?

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Helpdesk: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Helpdesk: OK, and, what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter a, but how do I get the circle around it?

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And don't forget the one about the "cup holder" on the front of the computer.

"Press any key to continue..."
"I can't find the 'ANY' key!"

"Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue."

"Press any key to continue, any other key to quit."

"Press any key to continue, NO NO NOT THAT ONE!"

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[Henry J]

Maxims for the Internet Age

- Home is where you hang your @

- The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail. [faster, too]

- A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.

- You can't teach a new mouse old clicks. [Squeak]

- Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.

- C: is the root of all directories.

- Don't put all your hypes in one home page.

- Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish.

- The modem is the message.

- Too many clicks spoil the browse.

- The geek shall inherit the earth. [I resemble that remark!]

- A chat has nine lives. [Meow?]

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[lswot]

Hi, Henry........nothing to do at work, again?

[Henry J]

[Henry J]

Maxims for the Internet Age

- Don't byte off more than you can view. [Well, maybe just a nibble]

- Fax is stranger than fiction. [Just the fax, ma'am]

- What boots up must come down.

- Windows will never cease. [But sometimes they can be a pane]

- In Gates we trust. [or in Gates we put up with. sometimes.]

- Virtual reality is its own reward. [Only if there's a holodeck]

- Modulation in all things. [But esp. in software engineering]

- A user and his leisure time are soon parted.

- Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks. [And then only for the halibut. But let us not flounder...]

- There's no place like http://www.home.com

- Know what to expect before you connect.

- Oh, what a tangled website we weave when first we practice! [but eventually, practice makes perfect!]

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[Henry J]

Murphy's Technology Law #1 -- You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the track.

Murphy's Technology Law #2 -- Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.

Murphy's Technology Law #3 -- Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not understand.

Murphy's Technology Law #4 -- If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.

Murphy's Technology Law #5 -- All great discoveries are made by mistake.

Murphy's Technology Law #6 -- Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.

Murphy's Technology Law #7 -- All's well that ends... period.

Murphy's Technology Law #8 -- A meeting is an event at which minutes are kept and hours are lost.

Murphy's Technology Law #9 -- The first myth of management is that it exists.

Murphy's Technology Law #10 -- A failure will not appear until a unit has passed final inspection.

Murphy's Technology Law #11 -- New systems generate new problems.

Murphy's Technology Law #12 -- Any given program, when running, is obsolete.

Murphy's Technology Law #13 -- A computer makes as many mistakes in two seconds as 20 men working 20 years make.

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To err is human. But to really mess up you need a computer.

Computers make ver fast, very accurate mistakes.

2+2=5 for very large values of 2.

Files will grow so as to fill any available disk or memory space.

Error: keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.

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[Henry J]

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A Tomato Story
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An unemployed man is desperate to support his family of a wife and three kids. He applies for a janitor's job at a large firm and easily passes an aptitude test.

The human resources manager tells him, "You will be hired at minimum wage of $5.35 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address so that we can get you in the loop. Our system will automatically e-mail you all the forms and advise you when to start and where to report on your first day."

Taken back, the man protests that he is poor and has neither a Computer nor an e-mail address. To this the manager replies, "You must understand that to a company like ours that means that you virtually do not exist. Without an e-mail address you can hardly expect to be employed by a high-tech firm. Good day."

Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and having $10 in his wallet, he walks past a farmer's market and sees a stand selling 25 lb. crates of beautiful red tomatoes. He buys a crate, carries it to a busy corner and displays the tomatoes. In less than 2 hours he sells all the tomatoes and makes 100% profit.

Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100 and arrives home that night with several bags of groceries for his family. During the night he decides to repeat the tomato business the next day.

By the end of the week he is getting up early every day and working into the night. He multiplies his profits quickly. Early in the second week he acquires a cart to transport several boxes of tomatoes at a time, but before a month is up he sells the cart to buy a broken-down pickup truck.

At the end of a year he owns three old trucks. His two sons have left their neighborhood gangs to help him with the tomato business, his wife is buying the tomatoes, and his daughter is taking night courses at the community college so she can keep books for him.

By the end of the second year he has a dozen very nice used trucks and employs fifteen previously unemployed people, all selling tomatoes. He continues to work hard.

Time passes and at the end of the fifth year he owns a fleet of nice trucks and a warehouse that his wife supervises, plus two tomato farms that the boys manage.

The tomato company's payroll has put hundreds of homeless and jobless people to work. His daughter reports that the business grossed a million dollars.

Planning for the future, he decides to buy some life insurance. Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new circumstances. Then the adviser asks him for his e-mail address in order to send the final documents electronically.

When the man replies that he doesn't have time to mess with a computer and has no e-mail address, the insurance man is stunned, "What, you don't have e-mail? No computer! No Internet! Just think where you would be today if you'd had all of that five years ago!"

" Ha!" snorts the man. "If I'd had e-mail five years ago I would be sweeping floors at Microsoft and making $5.35 an hour."
Which brings us to the moral of the story:
Since you got this story by e-mail, you're probably closer to being a janitor than a millionaire.

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[Well dang! So what that I don't really like tomatoes, or at least not until they're turned into sauce... ]

[Henry J]

The American Dairy Association was so successful with its "Got Milk?" campaign, that it was decided to extend the ads to Mexico. Unfortunately, the Spanish translation was "Are you lactating?" [Sounds like an udder failure to communicate]

Electrolux, a Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer, used this ad in the U.S.: "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux." [Not to mention that nature abhors a vacuum!]

Colgate introduced a toothpaste called "Cue" in France, but it turned out to be the same name as a well-known porno magazine. [Transcen-dental!]

When Braniff translated a slogan touting its upholstery, "Fly in leather," it came out in Spanish as "Fly naked." [Guess it would reduce weight slightly, so lower fuel costs?]

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[Henry J]

Coors put its slogan, "Turn it loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer from diarrhea." [Guess that ended that movement]

Chicken magnate Frank Perdue's line, "It takes a tough man to make a tender chicken," sounds much more interesting in Spanish: "It takes a sexually stimulated man to make a chicken affectionate." [Guess they wouldn't want to be hen pecked]

Bacardi concocted a fruity drink with the name "Pavian" to suggest French chic...but "pavian" means "baboon" in German. [Monkey business?]

A hair products company, Clairol, introduced the "Mist Stick", a curling iron, into Germany only to find out that mist is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the manure stick. [Hair today, gone tomorrow?]

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[Henry J]

When Kentucky Fried Chicken entered the Chinese market, to their horror they discovered that their slogan "finger lickin' good" came out as "eat your fingers off". [Lady fingers for dessert?]

When Vicks first introduce its cough drops on the German market, they were chagrined to learn that the German pronunciation of "v" is f - which in German is the guttural equivalent of "sexual penetration." [Cough, cough...]

Parker Pens translated the slogan for its ink, "Avoid Embarrassment - Use Quink" into Spanish as "Evite Embarazos - Use Quink"...which also means, "Avoid Pregnancy - Use Quink." [And after the ad aired there was a pregnant pause...]

When Pepsi started marketing its products in China a few years back, they translated their slogan, "Pepsi Brings You Back to Life" pretty literally. The slogan in Chinese really meant, "Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors Back from the Grave." [It's alive! It's alive!]

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[lswot]

Where do you find all of this stuff?