Recycling

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Henry J
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Re: Recycling

Post by Henry J » Tue Jun 06, 2017 6:07 pm

The reason elections are held in November is because that is the best month to pick out a Turkey!
"Maxine"

(And, The problem with political jokes is that too many of them get elected... )

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Re: Recycling

Post by Henry J » Wed Jun 07, 2017 6:17 pm

They'll Find Us

Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary.

Suddenly, over the public address system, the captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!"

Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island.

An hour later, Abe turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we pay our $5,000 PBS pledge check yet"?

"No, sweetheart," she responds.

Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Esther, did we pay our American Express card yet"?

"Oh, no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says.

"One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send checks for the Visa and MasterCard this month"? he asks.

"Oh, forgive me, Abie," begged Esther. "I didn't send that one, either."

Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years.

Esther pulls away and asks him, "So, why did you kiss me"?

Abe answers, "They'll find us!"

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Re: Recycling

Post by Henry J » Thu Jun 08, 2017 6:05 pm

Bar & Drinking Jokes

An obnoxious drunk stumbles into the front door of a bar and orders a drink, the bartender says, "No way, buddy, you're too drunk."

A few minutes later, the drunk comes in though the bathroom. Again he slurs, "Give me a drink," and the bartender says, "No, man, I told you last time -- you're too drunk"

Five minutes later the guy comes in though the back door and orders a drink, again the bartender says, "You're too drunk".

The drunk scratches his head and says "Dang, I must be. The last two places said the same thing."

(Wonder if what they have there is a failure of communication?)

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lswot
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Re: Recycling

Post by lswot » Fri Jun 09, 2017 9:45 am

Uh...what? :drink:
:beamup: lswot
eccl 2:13

"A Government big enough to give you every thing you want, is big enough to take away every thing you have."
......Thomas Jefferson......

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Xjmt
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Re: Recycling

Post by Xjmt » Fri Jun 09, 2017 1:08 pm

lswot wrote:Uh...what? :drink:
:rotfl:

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Re: Recycling

Post by Henry J » Fri Jun 09, 2017 3:13 pm

Marriage Jokes

Joe had asked Bob to help him out with the deck after work, so Bob just went straight over to Joe's place. When they got to the door, Joe went straight to his wife, gave her a hug and told her how beautiful she was and how much he had missed her at work. When it was time for supper, he complimented his wife on her cooking, kissed her and told her how much he loved her.

Once they were working on the deck, Bob told Joe that he was surprised that he fussed so much over his wife. Joe said that he'd started this about six months ago, it had revived their marriage, and things couldn't be better. Bob thought he'd give it a go. When he got home, he gave his wife a massive hug, kissed her and told her that he loved her. His wife burst into tears.

Bob was confused and asked why she was crying. She said, "This is the worst day of my life. First, little Billy fell off his bike and twisted his ankle. Then, the washing machine broke and flooded the basement. And now, you come home drunk!"

(Wonder if what they have there is a failure of communication?)

(Hangover, part 2?)

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Re: Recycling

Post by Henry J » Sat Jun 10, 2017 1:27 pm

Here is a real Groaner:

An elephant is drinking out of a river when he spots a turtle asleep on a log. The elephant ambles over and kicks the unsuspecting turtle clear across the river. "Why did you do that?" asks a passing giraffe.

"Because I recognized it as the same turtle that took a nip out of my trunk 47 years ago."

"Wow, what a memory!" says the giraffe.

"Yes," says the elephant. "Turtle recall."

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lswot
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Re: Recycling

Post by lswot » Sat Jun 10, 2017 6:08 pm

groan....... :smile:
:beamup: lswot
eccl 2:13

"A Government big enough to give you every thing you want, is big enough to take away every thing you have."
......Thomas Jefferson......

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Xjmt
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Re: Recycling

Post by Xjmt » Sun Jun 11, 2017 12:39 pm

:mope:

Henry J
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Re: Recycling

Post by Henry J » Sun Jun 11, 2017 1:52 pm

A Wee Bit of Scottish Humor

Two Scots, Ian Forsyth and Jimmy MacDonald, are sitting in the pub discussing Ian's forthcoming wedding.

"Ach, it's all going grand," says Ian. "I've got everything organized already: The flowers, the church, the cars, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night..."

Jimmy nods approvingly.

"Havens, I've even bought a kilt to be married in!" continues Ian.

"A Kilt?" exclaims Jimmy, "That's braw; you'll look pure smart in that!

"And what's the tartan?" Jimmy then enquires.

"Och," says Ian, "I'd imagine she'll be in White..."

(But will there be bagpipes?)

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Re: Recycling

Post by Henry J » Mon Jun 12, 2017 6:16 pm

Men Vs. Women Jokes

Three men wanted to cross a river. They had no idea how to cross it, so one man knelt down on his knees and prayed "Lord give me the power and strength the cross the river." suddenly the man became very strong and swam across the river. The next man thought: if it worked for him, it'll work for me. So he knelt down and prayed "Lord give the skills and the strength to cross the river." the man built a canoe and rowed himself across the river. The last man thought: if it worked for both of them, I know it'll work for me. So he also knelt down and prayed "Lord give me the wisdom and knowledge to cross the river." He turned into a woman and walked across the bridge.

(I resemble that remark!)

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Re: Recycling

Post by Henry J » Tue Jun 13, 2017 4:12 pm

Computer Jokes

Computers are like air conditioners. They work fine until you start opening windows.

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lswot
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Re: Recycling

Post by lswot » Tue Jun 13, 2017 8:06 pm

Henry J wrote:Computer Jokes

Computers are like air conditioners. They work fine until you start opening windows.

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<chuckle> :o
:beamup: lswot
eccl 2:13

"A Government big enough to give you every thing you want, is big enough to take away every thing you have."
......Thomas Jefferson......

Henry J
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Re: Recycling

Post by Henry J » Wed Jun 14, 2017 6:54 pm

Idiots Jokes

There were two guys working for the city. One would dig a hole -- he would dig, dig, dig.

The other would come behind him and fill the hole -- fill, fill, fill. These two men worked furiously; one digging a hole, the other filling it up again.

A man was watching from the sidewalk and couldn't believe how hard these men were working, but couldn't understand what they were doing. Finally he had to ask them.

He said to the hole digger, "I appreciate how hard you work, but what are you doing? You dig a hole and your partner comes behind you and fills it up again!"

The hole digger replied, "Oh yeah, must look funny, but the guy who plants the trees is sick today."

(I dunno, but doing those parts without the other part might leave them without a limb to be out on?)

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lswot
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Re: Recycling

Post by lswot » Thu Jun 15, 2017 10:13 am

were do you DIG these things up? :smile:
:beamup: lswot
eccl 2:13

"A Government big enough to give you every thing you want, is big enough to take away every thing you have."
......Thomas Jefferson......

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