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Re: Recycling

Posted: Thu Jan 11, 2018 4:50 pm
by Henry J
Fun Puns.....

A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

Every calendar's days are numbered.

He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

A breakfast boiled egg is hard to beat.

A lot of money is tainted. It t'aint yours and t'aint mine.

His photographic memory was never developed.

When you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

Those who jump off Paris bridge are in Seine.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Local Area Network in Australia. The LAN down under.

Without geometry, life is pointless.

A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

When egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.

A backwards poet writes inverse.

Definition of a will. A dead giveaway.

You're stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

A bird in the hand can be messy.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

Re: Recycling

Posted: Fri Jan 12, 2018 1:54 pm
by Xjmt
:clap:

Re: Recycling

Posted: Fri Jan 12, 2018 7:11 pm
by Henry J
Harry Ewaschuk

Buffalo Theory

I don't think I've ever heard the concept explained any better than this .

'Well you see, Norm, it's like this . . . A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers.'

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(Cheers! )

Re: Recycling

Posted: Sat Jan 13, 2018 9:55 am
by lswot
Cheers! :drink:

Re: Recycling

Posted: Sat Jan 13, 2018 4:18 pm
by Henry J
Nope; they've closed. ;)

Re: Recycling

Posted: Sat Jan 13, 2018 4:19 pm
by Henry J
Date: Wednesday, June 18, 2008 11:32:19 AM

An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard; I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of.

He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head; he then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep.

An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.

The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed His spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour. This continued off and on for several weeks.

Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: 'I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is, and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.'

The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar: 'He lives in a home with 6 children, 2 under the age of 3 - he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I please come with him tomorrow?'

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Re: Recycling

Posted: Sun Jan 14, 2018 2:30 pm
by Henry J
Catholic Wisdom

98-year-old Mother Superior from Ireland was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable. They tried giving her some warm milk to drink but she refused it.

One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen and remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.

Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop.

"Mother," the nuns asked with earnest, "please give us some wisdom before you die."

She raised herself up in bed and said, "Don't ever sell that cow."
(Where's the beef? Or, got milk?)

Re: Recycling

Posted: Mon Jan 15, 2018 5:42 pm
by Henry J
PRICE GOUGING IN COLONIAL TIMES

William Penn, the famous statesman, had two elderly aunts who loved to bake pies.

The pies were very popular with the townspeople.

So the aunts decided to start selling them.

The pies sold so well that the women quickly became greedy.

So they started raising their prices.

Soon, everybody in town was talking about the pie-rates of Penn's aunts.

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(At least they weren't in the Caribbean! )

Re: Recycling

Posted: Tue Jan 16, 2018 5:15 pm
by Henry J
At a fabric store, a pretty girl spots a nice material for a dress and asks the male clerk: How much does it costs?

“Only one kiss per yard,” replied the male clerk with a smirk.

“That’s fine,” said the girl. I’ll take ten yards.”

With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out the cloth, wrapped it up, and then teasingly held it out.

The girl took the bag and pointed to the old man standing beside her, and smiled, “Grandpa will pay the bill.”
OOPS! :smile:

Re: Recycling

Posted: Tue Jan 16, 2018 6:06 pm
by lswot
Good one!!!

Re: Recycling

Posted: Wed Jan 17, 2018 8:34 pm
by Henry J
Say What ?

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In a Podiatrist's office:
Time Wounds All Heels.
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On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals--on Wheels
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At a Proctologist's door:
To expedite your visit, please back in.
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On a Plumber's truck:
We Repair What Your Husband Fixed
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On another Plumber's truck:
Don't sleep with a drip; Call your plumber!
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At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
Invite us to your next blowout.
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At a Towing company:
We don't charge an arm and a leg: We want tows.
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Re: Recycling

Posted: Thu Jan 18, 2018 7:29 pm
by Henry J
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On an Electrician's truck:
Let Us Remove Your Shorts
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In a Nonsmoking Area:
If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.
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On a Maternity Room door:
Push. Push. Push!
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At an Optometrist's Office:
If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.
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On a Taxidermist's window:
We really know our stuff.
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On a Fence:
Salesmen Welcome! Dog Food Is Expensive!
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At a Car Dealership:
The best way to get back on your feet: miss a car payment.
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Re: Recycling

Posted: Fri Jan 19, 2018 7:39 pm
by Henry J
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Outside a Muffler Shop:
No appointment necessary; We hear you coming.
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In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!
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In a Restaurant window:
Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up.
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In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
Drive carefully! We'll wait...
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At a Propane Filling Station:
Thank heaven for little grills.
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And don't forget the sign at a CHICAGO RADIATOR SHOP:
Best place in town to take a leak
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Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck:
CAUTION - This Truck is Full of Political Promises
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Re: Recycling

Posted: Sat Jan 20, 2018 6:00 pm
by Henry J
Do you know the trouble with political jokes?

Too many of them get elected.

Do you know the meaning of the word "politics"?

Well, "poly" is a prefix meaning "many", and ticks are small blood sucking creatures. Put them together and...

Re: Recycling

Posted: Sun Jan 21, 2018 2:30 pm
by Henry J
Have Fun Game

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Have Fun (but no peeking!). Let me know your score. Write your answers on a paper..........there are 20 questions........... Average score: 12

1. What builds strong bodies 12 ways?

A. Flintstones vitamins
B. The buttmaster
C. Spaghetti
D. Wonder Bread
E. Orange Juice
F. Milk
G. Cod Liver Oil

2. Before he was Muhammed Ali, he was...

A. Sugar Ray Robinson
B. Roy Orbison
C. Gene Autry
D. Rudolph Valentino
E. Fabian
F. Mickey Mantle
G. Cassius Clay

3. Pogo, the comic strip character said, 'We have met the enemy and...

A. It's you
B. He is us
C. It's the Grinch
D. He wasn't home
E. He's really mean
F. We quit
G. He surrendered

4. Good night, David.

A. Good night, Chet
B. Sleep well
C. Good Night, Irene
D. Good Night, Gracie
E. See you later, alligator
F. Until tomorrow
G. Good night, Steve

5. You'll wonder where the yellow went,

A. When you use Tide
B. When you lose your crayons
C. When you clean your tub
D. If you paint the room blue
E. If you buy a soft water tank
F. When you use Lady Clairol
G. When you brush your teeth with Pepsodent

6. Before he was the Skipper's Little Buddy, Bob Denver was Dobie's friend,

A. Stuart Whitman
B. Randolph Scott
C. Steve Reeves
D. Maynard G. Krebbs
E. Corky B. Dork
F. Dave the Whale
G. Zippy Zoo

7. Liar, liar...

A. You're a liar
B. Your nose is growing
C. Pants on fire
D. Join the choir
E. Jump up higher
F. On the wire
G. I'm telling Mom

8. Meanwhile, back in Metropolis, Superman fights a never ending battle for truth, justice and...

A. Wheaties
B. Lois Lane
C. TV ratin gs
D. World peace
E. Red tights
F. The American way
G. News headlines

9 . Hey, kids, what time is it?

A. It's time for Yogi Bear
B. It's time to do your homework
C. It's Howdy Doody Time
D. It's Time for Romper Room
E. It's bedtime
F. The Mighty Mouse Hour
G. Scoopy Doo Time

10. Lions and tigers and bears...

A. Yikes
B. Oh no
C. Gee whiz
D. I'm scared
E. Oh My
F. Help Help
H. Let's run

11. Bob Dylan advised us never to trust anyone

A. Over 40
B. Wearing a uniform
C. Carrying a briefcase
D. Over 30
E. You don't know
F. Who says, 'Trust me'
G. Who eats tofu

12. NFL quarterback who appeared in a television commercial wearing women's stockings.

A. Troy Aikman
B. Kenny Stabler
C. Joe Namath
D. Roger Stauback
E. Joe Montana
F. Steve Young
G. John Elway

13. Brylcream...

A. Smear it on
B. You'll smell great
C. Tame that cowlick
D. Greaseball heaven
E. It's a dream
F. We're your team
G. A little dab'll do ya

14. I found my thrill...

A. In Blueberry muffins
B. With my man, Bill
C. Down at the mill
D. Over the windowsill
E. With thyme and dill
F. Too late to enjoy
G. On Blueberry Hill

15. Before Robin Williams, Peter Pan was played by

A. Clark Gable
B. Mary Martin
C. Doris Day
D. Errol Flynn
E. Sally Fields
F. Jim Carey
G. Jay Leno

16. Name the Beatles

A. John, Steve, George , Ringo
B. John, Paul, George , Roscoe
C. John, Paul, Stacey, Ringo
D. Jay, Paul, George , Ringo
E. Lewis, Peter, George , Ringo
F. Jason, Betty, Skipper, Hazel
G. John, Paul, George , Ringo

17. I wonder, wonder, who

A. Who ate the leftovers?
B. Who did the laundry?
C. Was it you?
D. Who wrote the book of love?
E. Who I am?
F. Passed the test?
G. Knocked on the door?

18. I'm strong to the finish

A. Cause I eats my broccoli
B. Cause I eats me spinach
C. Cause I lift weights
D. Cause I'm the hero
E. And don't you forget it
F. Cause Olive Oyl loves me
G. To outlast Bruto

19. When it's least expected, you're elected, you're the star today...

A. Smile, you're on Candid Camera
B. Smile, you're on Star Search
C. Smile, you won the lottery
D. Smile, we're watching you
E. Smile, the world sees you
F. Smile, you're a hit
G. Smile, you're on TV

20. What do M & M's do?

A. Make your tummy happy
B. Melt in your mouth, not in your pocket
C. Make you fat
D. Melt your heart
E. Make you popular
F. Melt in your mouth, not in your hand
G. Come in colors

.

Okay , now scroll down for the answers!

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Here are the right answers:

1 D - Wonder Bread
2 G - Cassius Clay
3 B - He Is Us
4 A - Good night, Chet
5 G - When you brush your teeth with Pepsodent
6 D - Maynard G. Krebbs
7 C - Pants On Fire
8 F - The American Way
9 C - It's Howdy Doody Time
10 E - Oh My
11 D - Over 30
12 C - Joe Namath
13 G - A little dab'll do ya
14 G - On Blueberry Hill
15 B - Mary Martin
16 G - John, Paul, George , Ringo
17 D - Who wrote the book of Love
18 B - Cause I eats me spinach
19 A - Smile, you're on Candid Camera
20 F - Melt In Your Mouth Not In Your Hand