The Show Place

Subject: Two Women

Two women are new arrivals at the pearly gates and are comparing stories on how they died:

1st woman: "I froze to death."

2nd woman: "How horrible."

1st woman: "It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?"

2nd woman: "I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: "So what happened?

2nd woman: "I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died."

1st woman: "Too bad you didn't look in the freezer -- we'd both still be alive.

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Subject: English

English is Difficult? You betcha!!-

Can you read these correctly ... the first time?

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce.

3) The landfill was so full, they had to refuse more refuse.

4) Please polish the Polish furniture.

5) He could be in the lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier chose to desert his dessert in the desert.

7) Since there is no time like the present, it is time to present the present.

8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does strange antics when does are around.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong for us to wind the sail.

18) I shed a tear upon seeing the tear in the painting.

19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

20) I need to intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, no ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins were not invented in England nor French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies, while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Is it not crazy that you can make amends, but not one amend?
If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think the first 'teachers of the language' should have been committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. How is it that people recite a play and play at a recital; ship by truck and send cargo by ship; have noses that run and feet that smell??

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down; you fill in a form by filling it out and an alarm goes of f by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. This is why... when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

PS. - Why doesn't "Buick" rhyme with "quick"?

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We are unique.

Just like everybody else!

bravo!!!

New Virus!

There is a new virus. It's called WORK. If you receive WORK from your Colleagues, your boss, via e-mail, or from anyone else, do not touch it under any circumstances.

This virus wipes out your private life completely.

If you should happen to come in contact with this virus, take two friends and go straight to the nearest bar.

Order drinks immediately and after three rounds, you will find that WORK has been completely deleted from your system.

Forward this virus warning immediately to at least five friends.

Should you realize you do not have five friends, this means you are already infected by this virus and WORK already controls your life.

If this is the case, go to the bar and stay until you make at least five friends.

I think I have five friends, but am not entirely positive so I'm headed for the bar anyway..... it never hurts to be safe.

THANK GOODNESS I GOT THIS IN TIME.

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Hey.....thanks for the heads up.

Just remember what Xander said - "Beer Bad!".

(But never mind that he was working as a bartender when he said that... )

I think these are called, "Ain't it the truth!!"

LAWS OF THE NATURAL UNIVERSE

Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.

Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now. (works every time)

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Henry J wrote:Just remember what Xander said - "Beer Bad!".

(But never mind that he was working as a bartender when he said that... )

Xander wrong.

Wrong? But he was a bartender at that time, so he should know about things like that!

Bath Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Theatre Rule: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

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Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich of landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are.

Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

Brown's Law: If the shoe fits, it's really ugly.

Oliver's Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Wilson's Law: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

Cole's Law: Finely sliced cabbage.

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Coles law......