Recycling

[Henry J]

*****
A shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read 'BEST DEALS.'

He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading 'LOWEST PRICES.'

The shopkeeper panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop. It read... 'MAIN ENTRANCE'
--------
A student comes to a young professor's office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels pleading.

"I would do anything to pass this exam."

She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes.

"I mean..." she whispers,"I would do...**anything**!!!"

He returns her gaze. "Anything???"

"Yes... Anything!!!"

His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you study???"
-------------
An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings which were on display at that time. "I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings."

"That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"

"The guy was your doctor."
--------------
Seen on a church sign: "If you love Jesus, tithe. Anyone can honk."
~~~~
My mother couldn't get me to slow down; the police couldn't get me to slow down; but $2-a-gallon gas is getting my attention.
********
Men can't be dogs because dogs are loyal.
*
If money could talk, it would just say "goodbye".
*
Q. What's the difference between people who pray in church and those who pray in casinos?
A. The ones in the casinos are really serious!
~~~~
Judge: Do I understand that you're trying to show contempt for this court?

Lawyer: No your honor. I am trying to hide it.

*****

Henry

[Henry J]

*****
Subject: Fw: Ideas

"To the world you might be one person, but to one person you might be the world."

"Going to church does not make you a Christian anymore than going to McDonald's makes you a hamburger."

"Real friends are those who, when you feel you've made a fool of yourself, don't feel you've done a permanent job."

"A coincidence is when God performs a miracle, and decides to remain anonymous."

"Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side."

"I don't have to attend every argument I'm invited to.

"Lead your life so you won't be ashamed to sell the family parrot to the town gossip."

"People gather bundles of sticks to build bridges they never cross."

"Life is 10% of what happens to you, and 90% of how you respond to it."

"Life is like an onion; you peel off one layer at a time and sometimes you weep."

"Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all yourself."

"There are two things I've learned: There is a God. And, I'm not Him."

"Following the path of least resistance is what makes rivers and men crooked."

*****

Henry

[Henry J]

*****
Nature has many laws that hold fast and true.

For example, a baby ape will always grow-up to be an ape; likewise, a baby baboon will become an adult baboon.

A baby pig will mature into a full grown pig.

A baby jackass will always become a jackass.

Yet oddly enough, women say a young man may grow-up to be any one of these.

----------
Don't forget to exercise...

1) My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now & we don't know where she is.

2) The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

3) I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.

4) I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

5) I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body.

6) I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

7) I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

8) The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

9) If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

10) Don't jog. It makes the ice jump right out of the glass.

***************
A henpecked husband was advised by a psychiatrist to assert himself. "You don't have to let your wife bully you," he said. "Go home and show her you're the boss."

The husband decided to take the doctor's advice. He went home, slammed the door, pointed his finger in his wife's face, and growled, "From now on you're taking orders from me. I want my supper right now, and when you get it on the table, go upstairs and lay out my clothes.

"Tonight I am going out with the boys," he continued. "You are going to stay at home where you belong. Another thing, you know who is going to tie my bow tie?"

"I certainly do," said his wife calmly. "The undertaker."

*****

Henry

[lswot]

[Henry J]

at which one?

Henry

[lswot]

at which one?

Henry

I think you know......

You know.....it's usually the LAST thing you read that you remember?
I guess that's why it takes me so long to read a book.

[Henry J]

*****
Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me. --Winston Churchill
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
He was a wise man who invented beer. --Plato
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.
--Catherine Zandonella
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank
her. --W.C. Fields
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
--Henny Youngman
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
--Benjamin Franklin
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza. --Dave Barry

*************
When I went to get my driver's license renewed, our local motor-vehicle bureau was packed. The line inched along for almost an hour until the man ahead of me finally got his license.

He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk, "I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture."

The woman beside him peered over his shoulder, then reassured him, "It's okay. That's how you're going to look when the cops pull you over anyway."

********
"What are you getting your husband for his birthday?"

"A new stove."

"I thought he wanted a set of golf clubs."

"He did."

"Then why are you getting him a stove?"

"Because the golf clubs didn't match the refrigerator he got me for my birthday."

*****

Henry

[Henry J]

*****
A young man with a few hours to spare one afternoon figures that if he hurries and plays fast, he can get in nine holes before he has to head home.

As he is about to tee-off, an old gentleman shuffles onto the tee and asks if he can join him. Although worried about the old man slowing him down against an already tight schedule, the young man knows it is proper golf manners to allow this...and says, please join him to the stranger.

To his surprise, the old man plays quickly. He doesn't hit the ball very far, but it goes straight. Furthermore, the old man moves along pretty good and without wasting
any time is always ready to hit the ball when his turn comes.

When they reach the ninth fairway, the young man is facing a tough shot. A large pine tree sits directly in front of him and in the path he his ball must travel to hit on the green.

After several minutes pondering how to hit the shot and what club to use, the old man says..."You know, when I was your age, I'd hit the ball right over that tree with my 6 iron!"

With the challenge before him, the young man swings hard, hits the ball, watches it fly into the branches, rattle around and land with a thud a the foot of the tree, only a few feet from where it had started.

"Of course," said the old man, "when I was your age, that tree was only three feet tall!"

********
Two rules for life:
1. Don't tell people everything you know.
2.

**************
Most of the shadows of this life are caused by standing on one's own sunshine."
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
===============
"Faith is not belief without proof, but trust without reservations." - Elton Trueblood
*************
"Joe," a teacher reprimanded the teenager in the hall, "do you mind telling me whose class you're cutting this time?"

"Like," the young teen replied, "uh, see, okay, like it's like I really don't like think
like that's really important, y'know, like because I'm y'know, like I don't get anything
out of it."

"Oh, English class." replied the smiling teacher.

*****

Henry

[lswot]

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

WOMEN'S REVENGE

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the
woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet
I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, "
but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
so I figured this was the most legal evil thing I could do to him."

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)

I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto your upper thigh,
rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.

MARRIAGE SEMINAR

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,
Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,
"It is essential that husbands and wives know the things
that are important to each other."
He addressed the man,
"Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered,
"It's Pillsbury, isn't it?
The rest of the story gets rather ugly, so I'll stop right here.

CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the
aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can
help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons
for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few
minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a
ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused,
"Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, " You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent
my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes,
and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling
papers; cause it's sooooooooooo much cheaper. So,
I figure if I have to roll my own ............ so does she.
(Of course . . . I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton! :-)

WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles,
not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an
argument and neither of them wanted to concede their
position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats,
and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,
"Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

WORDS

A husband read an article to his wife about how many
words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we
have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

CREATION

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you
can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
" The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made
me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

WHO DOES WHAT

A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up
first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking
around here and you should do it, because that is your
job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it
is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New
Testament and showed him at the top of several pages,
that it indeed says..........

"HEBREWS"

[brian]

An ASCII character walked into a bar.
The bartender said, "How are you, my friend?"
To which the ASCII character replied, "I've got a parity error today."
The bartender shot back, "I though you looked a bit off."

[Henry J]

*****
Negotiations between union members and their employer were at an impasse. The union denied that their workers were flagrantly abusing their contract's sick-leave provisions.

One morning at the bargaining table, the company's chief negotiator held aloft the morning edition of the newspaper, "This man," he announced, "Called in Sick yesterday!"

There on the sports page, was a photo of the supposedly ill employee, who had just won a local golf tournament with an excellent score.

The silence in the room was broken by a union negotiator. "Wow," he said. "Think of what kind of score he could have had if he hadn't been sick!"

*********
A young blonde girl goes to the doctor for a physical. The doctor puts his stethoscope up to the girl's chest and says, "Big breaths."

The girl replies, "Yeth and I'm not even thixteen."

**********
A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity; looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. Driving his partner nuts.

Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the blasted ball."

The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."

"Forget it, you don't stand a chance of hitting her from here."

********
A city in Alaska passed a law outlawing all dogs.
It became known as Dogless Fairbanks.

*********
Archaeologist: a person whose career lies in ruins.

*****

Henry

[lswot]

Brian!
Henry!

Protons have mass?
I didn't even know they were Catholic.

[Henry J]

*****
Q: What do you get when you toss a hand grenade into a kitchen in France?
A: Linoleum blownapart.

**********
Q: What's the difference between an angry circus owner and a Roman barber?
A: One is a raving showman, and the other is a shaving Roman.

******
In ancient Rome, deli workers were told that they could eat anything they wanted during the lunch hour. Anything, that is except the smoked salmon. Thus were created the world's first anti-lox breaks.

******
A ship carrying a cargo of red paint collided with a ship carrying a cargo of purple paint.
Both crews were marooned.

******
Why did the Zen master refuse Novocain when he had his tooth pulled? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

**************
Did you hear about the two men from the monastery who opened a fast-food seafood restaurant? One was the fish friar, the other was the chip monk.

***********
A scientist cloned himself but the experiment created a duplicate who used very foul language. As the clone cursed and swore, the scientist finally pushed it out the window, and it fell to its death. Later the scientist was arrested for making an obscene clone fall.

***********
Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

*********
A mushroom walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink. The bartender says, "We don't serve mushrooms here." The mushroom says, "Why?! I'm a fun guy!"

*******
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm lookin' for the man who shot my paw."

*********
This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in his home town for the holidays. After looking over the menu he says, "I'll just have the eggs Benedict." His order comes a while later and it's served on a huge fancy chrome plate. He asks the waiter, "What's with the fancy plate?"
The waiter replies, "There's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!"

*********
Very early one morning two birds are sitting at the side of a large puddle of oil. They see a worm on the other side. So... the one flies over and the other one swims through -- which one gets to the worm first? The one who swam, of course, because "Da oily boid gets da woim."

*****

Henry

[Henry J]

One atom to another: "I think I lost an electron."
"Are you sure?"
"I'm positive."

Henry

[Henry J]

Who ever said the Creator doesn't have a sense of humor?

Dwight Nelson recently told a true story about the pastor of his church. He had a kitten that climbed up a tree in his backyard and then was afraid to come down. The pastor coaxed, offered warm milk, etc. The kitty would not come down. The tree was not sturdy enough to climb, so the pastor decided that if he tied a rope to his car and drove away so that the tree bent down, he could then reach up and get the kitten. He did all this, checking his progress in the car frequently, then figured if he went just a little bit further, the tree would be bent sufficiently for him to reach the kitten.

But as he moved a little further forward, the rope broke. The tree went "boing!" and the kitten instantly sailed through the air - out of sight.

The pastor felt terrible. He walked all over the neighborhood asking people if they'd seen a little kitten. No. Nobody had seen a stray kitten. So he prayed, "Lord, I just commit this kitten to your keeping," and went on about his business.

A few days later he was at the grocery store, and met one of his church members. He happened to look into her shopping cart and was amazed to see cat food. Now this woman was a cat hater and everyone knew it, so he asked her, "Why are you buying cat food when you hate cats so much?"

She replied, "You won't believe this," and told him how her little girl had been begging her for a cat, but she kept refusing. Then a few days before, the child had begged again, so the Mom finally told her little girl, "Well if God gives you a cat, I'll let you keep it."
(You can see where this is heading.)

She told the pastor, "I watched my child go out in the yard, get on her knees, and ask God for a cat. And really, Pastor, you won't believe this, but I saw it with my own eyes. A kitten suddenly came flying out of the blue sky, with its paws outspread, and landed right in front of her."

*****

Henry