Recycling

[lswot]

[Henry J]

*****
A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am."

*****

THINGS ONLY A MOM CAN TEACH

1. My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION...
"Just wait until your father gets home."

2. My Mother taught me about RECEIVING....
"You are going to get it when we get home!"

3. My Mother taught me to MEET A CHALLENGE...
"What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you ...Don't talk back to me!"

4. My Mother taught me LOGIC...
"If you fall out off that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

5. My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE...
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

6. My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD...
"If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job"

7. My Mother taught me ESP...
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you're cold?"

8. My Mother taught me HUMOR...
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me".

9. My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT...
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

10. My Mother taught me about SEX....
"How do you think you got here?"

11. My Mother taught me about GENETICS...
"You're just like your father."

12. My Mother taught me about my ROOTS...
"Do you think you were born in a barn?"

13. My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE...
"When you get to be my age, you will understand.

14. And my all time favorite... JUSTICE...
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you.... Then you'll see what it's like."

*****

Henry

[lswot]

LIFE......it isn't always fair.

[Henry J]

*****
Technical terminology:

486.... The average IQ needed to understand a PC.

State-of-the-art.... Any computer you can't afford.

Obsolete.... Any computer you own.

Microsecond.... The time it takes for your State-of-the-art computer to become obsolete.

Syntax Error.... "Hello, I want to buy a computer and money is no object."

GUI (pronounced "gooey").... What your computer becomes after spilling your coffee on it.

Computer Chip.... Any starchy foodstuff consumed in mass quantities while programming.

Keyboard.... The standard way to generate computer errors.

Mouse.... An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate.

Floppy.... The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer.

Hard Drive.... The sales technique employed by most computer salesmen.

Portable Computer.... A device invented to force business people to work at home, on vacation, and on business trips.

Disk Crash.... A typical computer response to any critical deadline.

Power User.... Anyone who can format a disk from DOS.

System update.... A quick method of trashing all of your current software.

*****

Henry

[Henry J]

Re "LIFE......it isn't always fair."

Mebbe not, but Mikey likes it.

Henry

[lswot]

Re "LIFE......it isn't always fair."

Mebbe not, but Mikey likes it.

Henry

Yeah, but.....he likes anything!

Good catch!

[Henry J]

*****
Scientists have shown that the moon is moving away at a tiny, although measurable distance from the
earth every year.

If you do the math, you can calculate that 85 million years ago the moon was orbiting the earth at a
distance of about 35 feet from the earth's surface.

This would explain the death of the dinosaurs.
The tallest ones, anyway.

*****
GOLF, n.

1. a game that consists of a lot of walking, broken up by disappointment and bad arithmetic.

2. a game of opposites - the world's slowest people are ahead of you, and the fastest are behind.

3. a colorful sport that keeps you on the green, in the pink, and financially in the red.

4. a game which is allowed to be played on Sunday (under blue laws) because it was not considered a game by the law, but a form of moral effort.

5. is like a love affair - if you don't take it seriously, it's no fun, if you do, it breaks your heart.

6. a game a lot like taxation - you drive hard to get to the green, and then you find yourself in a hole.


GOLF CART, n.
A popular mode of transportation because, unlike a caddie, it can neither count, criticize, nor snicker.


GOLFER, n.
1. a person who yells "fore," takes six, and puts down five;

2. a guy who has the advantage over a fisherman - he doesn't have to bring home anything when he brags he had a great day.

*****

Henry

[lswot]

Golf is a good walk spoiled. <Mark Twain>

[Henry J]

*****
DIVINE TECH SUPPORT

"Excuse me, sir."

"Is that you again, Moses?"

"I'm afraid it is, sir."

"What is it this time, Moses. More computer problems?"

"How did you guess?"

"I don't have to guess, Moses. Remember?"

"Oh, yeah. I forgot."

"Tell me what you want, Moses."

"But you already know. Remember?"

"Moses!"

"Sorry, sir."

"Well, go ahead, Moses. Spit it out!"

"Well, I have a question, sir. You know those ten things you sent me."

"You mean the commandments, Moses?"

"That's it. I was wondering if they were important."

"What do you mean 'were important', Moses? Of course, they are important. Otherwise I wouldn't have sent them to you."

"Well, sorry, but I lost them. I could say the dog ate them, but of course you would see right through that."

"What do you mean 'you lost them'! Are you trying to tell me you didn't save them, Moses?"

"No, sir. I forgot."

"Well, my son always saves, Moses."

"Yeah, I know. You told me that before. I was going to, but I forgot. I did send them to some people before I lost them though. "

"And did you hear back from any of them?"

"You already know I did."

"What about the one guy who said he never uses 'shalt not'. Can he change the words a little bit?"

"Yes, Moses. As long as he doesn't change the meaning."

"And what about the guy who thought your stance was a little harsh and recommended calling them the Ten Suggestions or letting people pick one or two to try for a while?"

"Moses, I'll act like I didn't hear that."

"I think that means, 'no'. Well, what about the guy who said I was scamming him?"

"I think that is spamming, Moses."

"Oh, yeah. I e-mailed him back and told him I don't even eat that stuff and I have no idea how you can send it to someone through a computer."

"And what he did say?"

"You know what he said. He used your name in vain. You don't think he might have sent me one of those plagues and that's the reason I lost those ten things, do you?"

"They're called viruses, Moses."

"Whatever! This computer stuff is just too much for me. Can we just go back to those stone tablets? It was hard on my back taking them out and reading them each day, but I never lost them."

"We'll do it the new way, Moses."

"I was afraid you would say that, sir."

"Moses, what did I tell you to do if you messed up?"

"You told me to hold up this rat and stretch it out toward the computer."

"It's a mouse, Moses. Mouse! And did you do that?"

"No, I decided to try the technical support first. After all, who knows more about this stuff than you, and I really like your hours. By the way, sir, did Noah have two of these mice on the ark?"

"No, Moses."

"One other thing. Why didn't you name them frogs instead of mice, because didn't you tell me the thing they sit on is a pad?"

"I didn't name them, Moses. Man did, and you can call yours a beatnik if you want to."

"Oh, that explains it. Kind of like Adam, huh, sir? I bet some woman told him to call it a mouse. After all, wasn't it a woman who named one of the computers Apple?"

"Say goodnight, Moses."

"Wait a minute, sir. I am stretching out the mouse and it seems to be working. Yes, a couple of the ten things have come back."

"Which ones are they, Moses?"

"Let's see. 'Thou shalt not steal from any grave an image' and 'Thou shalt not uncover thy neighbor's wife.'"

"Turn the computer off, Moses. I'm sending you another set of stone tablets...
...How does 'Same Day Air' sound?"

*****

Henry

[Henry J]

*****
For the engineers among us who understand that the obvious is not always the solution, and that the facts, no matter how implausible, are still facts...

A complaint was received by the Pontiac Division of General Motors:

"This is the second time I have written you, and I don't blame you for not answering me, because I kind of sounded crazy, but it is a fact that we have a tradition in our family of ice cream for dessert after dinner each night. But the kind of ice cream varies so, every night, after we've eaten, the whole family votes on which kind of ice cream we should have and I drive down to the store to get it. It's also a fact that I recently purchased a new Pontiac and since then my trips to the store have created a problem. You see, every time I buy vanilla ice cream, when I start back from the store my car won't start. If I get any other kind of ice cream, the car starts just fine. I want you to know I'm serious about this question, no matter how silly it sounds: 'What is there about a Pontiac that makes it not start when I get vanilla ice cream, and easy to start whenever I get any other kind?'"

>The Pontiac President was understandably skeptical about the letter, but sent an engineer to check it out anyway. The latter was surprised to be greeted by a successful, obviously well-educated man in a fine neighborhood. He had arranged to meet the man just after dinner time, so the two hopped into the car and drove to the ice cream store. It was vanilla ice cream that night and, sure enough, after they came back to the car, it wouldn't start.

The engineer returned for three more nights. The first night, the man got chocolate. The car started. The second night, he got strawberry. The car started. The third night he ordered vanilla. The car failed to start.

Now the engineer, being a logical man, refused to believe that this man's car was allergic to vanilla ice cream. He arranged, therefore, to continue his visits for as long as it took to solve the problem. And toward this end he began to take notes: he jotted down all sorts of data, time of day, type of gas used, time to drive back and forth, etc.

In a short time, he had a clue: the man took less time to buy vanilla than any other flavor. Why? The answer was in the layout of the store.

Vanilla, being the most popular flavor, was in a separate case at the front of the store for quick pickup. All the other flavors were kept in the back of the store at a different counter where it took considerably longer to find the flavor and get checked out.

Now the question for the engineer was why the car wouldn't start when it took less time. Once time became the problem -- not the vanilla ice cream -- the engineer quickly came up with the answer:
vapor lock.
It was happening every night, but the extra time taken to get the other flavors allowed the engine to cool down sufficiently to start. When the man got vanilla, the engine was still too hot for the vapor lock to dissipate.

Moral of the story: even insane-looking problems are sometimes real.

*****

Henry

[lswot]

orrrr.....the Pontiac just didn't like Vanilla.....
orrrr......the Pontiac was being PC.......

[Xjmt]

orrrr... he should just dumped the ice cream on the carb to free up the vapor lock.

orrrr....he shoulda' gone to his doctor who would have told him that he's getting to fat and to stay away from the ice cream.

orrr....GM (and Ford and Chrysler) shoulda' made better cars then there wouldn't be so many Hondas, Toyotas and VWs on the roads today.

[lswot]

[Henry J]

*****

The CREATION

In the beginning there was the computer. And God said

%>Let there be light!

#Enter user id.

%>God

#Enter password.

%>Omniscient

#Password incorrect. Try again.

%>Omnipotent

#Password incorrect. Try again.

%>Technocrat

#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.

%>Let there be light!

#Unrecognizable command. Try again.

%>Create light

#Done

%>Run heaven and earth

#And God created Day and Night. And God saw there were 0 errors.

#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.

#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Monday, March 2.

%>Let there be firmament in the midst of water and light

#Unrecognizable command. Try again.

%>Create firmament

#Done.

%>Run firmament

#And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors.

#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Monday, March 2.

#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3.

%>Let the waters under heaven be gathered together unto one place and let the dry land appear and

#Too many characters in specification string. Try again.

%>Create dry_land

#Done.

%>Run firmament

#And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors.

#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3.

#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4.

%>Create lights in the firmament to divide the day from the night

#Unspecified type. Try again.

%>Create sun_moon_stars

#Done

%>Run sun_moon_stars

#And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors.

#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4.

#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Thursday, March 5.

%>Create fish

#Done

%>Create fowl

#Done

%>Run fish, fowl

#And God created the great sea monsters and every living creature that creepeth wherewith the waters swarmed after its kind and every winged = fowl after its kind. And God saw there were 0 errors.

#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Thursday, March 5.

#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Friday, March 6.

%>Create cattle

#Done

%>Create creepy_things

#Done

%>Now let us make man in our image

#Unspecified type. Try again.

%>Create man

#Done

%>Be fruitful and multiply and replenish the earth and subdue it and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the fowl of the air and over every living thing that creepeth upon the earth

#Too many command operands. Try again.

%>Run multiplication

#Execution terminated. 6 errors.

%>Insert breath

#Done

%>Run multiplication

#Execution terminated. 5 errors.

%>Move man to Garden of Eden

#File Garden of Eden does not exist.

%>Create Garden.edn

#Done

%>Move man to Garden.edn

#Done

%>Run multiplication

#Execution terminated. 4 errors.

%>Copy woman from man

#Done

%>Run multiplication

#Execution terminated. 2 errors.

%>Create desire

#Done

%>Run multiplication

#And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn

#Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.

%>Create freewill

#Done

%>Run freewill

#And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn

#Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.

%>Undo desire

#Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.

%>Destroy freewill

#Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.

#Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.

%>Help

#Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.

#Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.

#Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.

%>Create tree_of_knowledge

#And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn

#Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.

%>Create good, evil

#Done

%>Activate evil

#And God saw he had created shame.

#Warning system error in sector E95. Man and woman not in Garden.edn. 1 errors.

%>Scan Garden.edn for man, woman

#Search failed.

%>Delete shame

#Shame cannot be deleted once evil has been activated.

%>Destroy freewill

#Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.

#Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.

%>Stop

#Unrecognizable command. Try again

%>Break

%>Break

%>Break

#ATTENTION ALL USERS *** ATTENTION ALL USERS: COMPUTER GOING DOWN FOR REGULAR DAY OF MAINTENANCE AND REST IN FIVE MINUTES. PLEASE LOG OFF.

%>Create new world

#You have exceeded your allocated file space. You must destroy old files before new ones can be created.

%>Destroy earth

#Destroy earth: Please confirm.

%>Destroy earth confirmed

#COMPUTER DOWN *** COMPUTER DOWN. SERVICES WILL RESUME SUNDAY, MARCH 8 AT 6:00 AM. YOU MUST SIGN OFF NOW.

#And God logged off at 11:59:59 PM, Friday, March 6.

*****

Henry

[Xjmt]

From last night's Letterman show as rerun on CNN-AM.

"It was so hot in New York City yesterday I saw some tourists trying to flag down a mirage."

"It was so hot in New York City yesterday that the pole dancers had to wear oven mittens."

"It was so hot in Florida yesterday that Jeb Bush was seen 'fixing' ice machines."