Recycling

[Xjmt]

I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been
dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was
only one little thing bothering me-her beautiful younger sister.


My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight
mini-skirts, and generally was braless. She would regularly bend down
when she was near me, and I always got more than a pleasant view of her
private parts. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was
near anyone else.


One day her "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check
the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she
whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she
couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just
once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.


Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm
going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just
come up and get me."


I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.
When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down
the stairs at me.


I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to
the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.


Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all
clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said,
"We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't
ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family!"


And the moral of this story is:


Always keep your condoms in your car.

[brian]

[Lou]

[Henry J]

*****
A man was lucky enough to interview God one day:
man: ok God how long is a million years to you?
God: a million years to me is but a mere second.
man: ok than how much is a million dollars to you?
God: to me a million dollars is but a penny.
man: ok God . Can I have a million dollars than?
God: sure. Just wait a second.

*****
MEMORANDUM
TO: Jesus, Son of Joseph.Woodcrafters shop, Nazareth.
From: Jordan Management Consultants. Jerusalem.
Subject: Staff Aptitude Test.
Date :May 22/30

Thank you for submitting the resumes of the 12 men you picked for management positions in your new organization. All of them have now taken our battery of tests, and we have not only run the results through our computer but also have arranged personal interviews for each of them with our psychologist and vocational consultant.

It is the staff opinion that most of your nominees are lacking in background, education and vocational aptitude for the type of enterprise you are undertaking. They do not have the team concept. We would recommend that you continue your search for persons of experience in managerial ability and proven capability.

Simon Peter is emotionally unstable and given to fits of temper. Andrew has absolutely no qualities of leadership. The two brothers, James and John, the sons of Zebedee, place personal interest above company loyalty. Thomas demonstrates a questioning attitude that would tend to undermine morale. We feel that it is our duty to tell you that Matthew has been blacklisted by the Greater Jerusalem Better Business Bureau. James, the son of Alphaeus, and Thaddeus definitely have radical leanings, and they both registered a high score on the manic depressive scale.

One of the candidates, however, shows great potential. He is a man of ability and resourcefulness, meets people well, has a keen business mind and has contact in high places. He is highly motivated, ambitious and innovative. We recommend Judas Iscariot as your comptroller and right hand man. All other profiles are self-explanatory.

We wish you every success in your new venture

*****

Henry

[Henry J]

*****
CHURCH BULLETIN BLOOPERS

1. Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

2. Announcement in the church bulletin for a National PRAYER FASTING Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals."

3. Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

4. Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again" giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

5. "Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands."

6. Next Sunday is the family hay ride and bonfire at the Fowlers'. Bring your own hot dogs and guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone come for a fun time.

7. The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.

8. The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water" The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus"

9. Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

10. Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.

11. During the absence of our Pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.

12. The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing "Break Forth into Joy."

13. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.

14. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.

15. Don't let worry kill you off -- let the Church help.

16. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

17. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

18. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

19. Eight new choir robes are needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

20. The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.

21. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

22. The Lutheran men's group will meet at 6 PM. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.

23. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

24. Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person(s) you want remembered.

25. Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.

26. The church will host an evening of fine dining superb entertainment and gracious hostility.

27. Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM. -- prayer and medication to follow.

28. The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

29. This evening at 7 PM. there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

30. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

31. The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.

32. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

33. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

34. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

35. Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.

36. The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."

37. Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High."

*****

Henry

[Henry J]

*****
The Lost Chapter in Genesis......

So God asked Adam, "What is wrong with you?"

Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.

He said, "This person will gather food for you, cook for you, and when you discover clothing she'll wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it."

Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"

God replied, "An arm and a leg."

Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"

.

The rest is history.

---

(Hey, I didn't write the thing, I just copied it! )

*****
CHURCH PHONE
It seems a man in Topeka, Kansas decided to write a book about churches around the country. He started by flying to San Francisco and started working east from there.

He went to a very large church and began taking pictures, etc. He spots a golden telephone on a wall and is intrigued with a sign which reads "$10,000.00 a minute." Seeking out the pastor he asks about the phone and the sign. The pastor answers that this golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to Heaven and if he pays the price he can talk directly to God. He thanks the pastor and continues on his way.

As he continues to visit churches in Seattle, Boise, Minneapolis, Chicago, Milwaukee, New York, Denver, and on around the United States, he finds more phones with the same sign, and the same answer from each pastor.

Finally, he arrives in the South . Upon entering a church, lo and behold, he sees the usual golden telephone. But THIS time the sign reads "Calls: 25 cents." Fascinated, he asks to talk to the pastor.

"Reverend, I have been in cities all across the country and in each church I found this golden telephone, and I have been told it is a direct line to Heaven and that I could talk to God, but in the other churches the cost was $10,000.00 a minute. Your sign reads 25 cents a call. Why?"

The pastor, smiling benignly, replies, "Son, you're in the South now. It's a local call."

*****
Posted by another resident of the old *P religion BB:

At the Catholic Grade School where I used to teach the old Italian Pastor was giving the sermon at the Mass for the graduating girls. Complete with hand gestures he spoke to the girls about preserving their virginity. Without any exaggeration he said...

"Your virginity is like a big white balloon. And all it takes is one prick...."

---

(Hey, I didn't write the thing, I just copied it! )

*****

*****

Henry

[Xjmt]

I get a kick out of jokes like this because you can change a few details and aim it at any group you choose:

> An elderly Italian man lay dying in his bed.
> While suffering the agonies of impending death,
> he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite
> Italian anisette sprinkle cookies wafting up the
> stairs.
>
> He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted
> himself from the bed.
> Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way
> out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort,
> gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled
> downstairs.
>
> With labored breath, he leaned against the door
> frame, gazing into the kitchen.
> Were if not for death's agony, he would have
> thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out
> upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally
> hundreds of his favorite anisette sprinkled cookies.
>
> Was it heaven?
> Or was it one final act of heroic love from his
> devoted Italian wife of sixty years, seeing to it
> that he left this world a happy man?
>
> Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself
> towards the table, landing on his knees in a
> crumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the
> wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his
> mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life. The
> aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a
> cookie at the edge of the table, when it was
> suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife......
>
> "Back off!" she said, "They're for the funeral."
>
> Now that's Italian!!!
>

[Henry J]

*****
1. A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!" As she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again. As she ran she once again began to pray,"Dear Lord, please don't let me be late... But please don't shove me either!"

2. A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"

3. A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if You can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am!"

4. Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50." The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, and they give him $100." The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon. And it takes eight people to collect all the money!"

5. Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked.

6. An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, "They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.

7. A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" Annie replied, "Because people are sleeping."

8. A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A small child replied: "They couldn't get a baby-sitter."

9. A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."

10. At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, Johnny what is the matter? Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."

*****

Henry

[Henry J]

*****
A group on nuns were traveling in a car when it got a flat tire. They got out and tried to change it, but being rather unworldly, did not know how to do it.

Luckily, a truck came along and the male driver offered to change it for them. They gladly accepted. As the trucker jacked up the car, it slipped from the jack. "Son-of-a-(censored)," he yelled.

The eldest nun said to him, "That is not nice language. We understand that you are upset, but you mustn't use such language."

"Sorry, Sister", he said, and tried again. Again it slipped, this time almost mashing his fingers. "Son-of-a-(censored)", he yelled again.

"Please, don't use such language. If changing our tire is causing you to do so, it would be better if you didn't help us."

"But I get so upset, and it just comes out."

"Well," said the nun, "say something else when you get upset, something like 'Sweet Jesus,! help me'".

So the trucker tried to jack up the car again. Again it slipped.

He started to say "So..", but he corrected himself and said, "Sweet Jesus help me." At that, the car just lifted up into the air by itself.

The nuns looked at the car and said, "Son-of-a-(censored)!"

*****
Lost on a rainy night, a nun stumbles across a monastery and requests shelter. It just so happens she is in time for supper.
She is treated to the best fish and chips she has ever had.

After dinner she goes to the kitchen to thank the chefs. She is greeted by 2 brothers... brother Charles and Brother Michael.

"I am very pleased to meet you. I just wanted to thank you for such a wonderful dinner. That was the best fish and chips I ever had. Out of curiosity, who cooked what?"

Brother Charles replied, "I am the fish friar". She turns to the other brother and says, "And you must be...?"

Yes, Brother Michael replies, " I am the chip monk."

*****

Henry

[brian]

Words Women Use

Fine
This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

Five Minutes
If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour.
Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

Nothing
This is the calm before the storm. This means "something" and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with "nothing" usually end in "fine".

Go Ahead
This is a dare, not permission. DON'T DO IT!

Loud Sigh
Although not actually a word, the loud sigh is often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".

That's Okay
This is one of the most dangerous statements that woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

Thanks
This is the least used of all words in the female vocabulary. If a woman is thanking you, Do Not question it, just say you're welcome and back out of the room slowly.

[Xjmt]

[Henry J]

*****
----------------------------------------
DanielM
Member #100354, posted 07-25-00 01:07 PM
----------------------------------------
Henry,
This is the story of what really went on when God tried to communicate to Moses how he created the earth and all things, great and small. It explains why it was not possible to give much detail that would be interesting to modern scientists but would give the general idea to people who lived at the time of Moses. The conversation went something like this:
God: 4.5 billion years ago I formed earth from a swirling mass.....
Moses: What's a billion?
God: It is a thousand million.
Moses: What's a million?
God: Never mind. On the first day I created heaven and earth. Then I brought forth molecules of ribonucleic acids which were self replicating and had enzymatic activity. These formed and began producing copies of themselves. Due to the enzymatic activity they began to link amino acids in chains of polypeptide. Moses? MOSES! Are you getting this?
Moses: Sorry God. I must have dozed off. What's a ribonuk asad? And why did it have enemy act-ivity?
God: Never mind. And I said let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed, and the fruit trees yielding fruit after its kind... Moses, shall I tell you of deme size, genetic drift and founder effects?
Moses: Maybe not. You know us Hebrews. We had a difficult enough time with those command-ments you gave us.
God: You're right. Maybe not. So the earth did bring forth grass and herb yielding seed after its kind, and the tree yielding fruit, whose seed was in itself, after its kind; and I saw that it was good.

Warren Lathe III, a Ph.D. candidate in molecular biology, posted the above story in December of 92 on the Prodigy Frank Discussion board
Regards, Dan

*****
THE 2nd TEN COMMANDMENTS

1. Thou shall not worry, for worry is the most unproductive of all human activities.

2. Thou shall not be fearful, for most of the things we fear never come to pass.

3. Thou shall not cross bridges before you come to them, for no one yet has succeeded in accomplishing this.

4. Thou shall face each problem as it comes. You can only handle one at a time anyway.

5. Thou shall not take problems to bed with you, for they make very poor bedfellows.

6. Thou shall not borrow other people's problems. They can better care for them than you can.

7. Thou shall not try to relive yesterday for good or ill, it is forever gone. Concentrate on what is happening in your life and be happy now!

8. Thou shall be a good listener, for only when you listen do you hear different ideas from your own. It is hard to learn something new when you are talking, and some people do know more than you do.

9. Thou shall not become "bogged down" by frustration, for 90% of it is rooted in self-pity and will only interfere with positive action.

10. Thou shall count thy blessings, never overlooking the small ones, for a lot of small blessings add up to a big one.

*****

(And above all, remember that immortal advice --
Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!)

*****

Henry

[Henry J]

*****
Moses was preparing to write down the history of creation that God had just revealed to him.

Aaron (his accountant) says to Moses, what ARE you doing?? Don't you know the price of papyrus? We can't afford the amount of that stuff we'd need if you include every little thing!

Moses to Aaron: But God told me all this, we have to share it, don't we?

Aaron: We can't afford the papyrus for 16 billion years of prehistory.

Moses: Well, what can we afford?

Aaron: One week.

Moses: A week???? (sigh) Well, if that's all we can manage, I guess I'll have to leave out a few things. Trilobites. Dinosaurs. Continental drift. (sigh).

*****
RABBI, HIS SON, & THE CAR

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a rabbi, if they could discuss his use of the family car.

His father took him into his study and said, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your Talmud a little, get your hair cut and then we'll talk about it."

After about a month, the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car. They again went into the father's study where the father said, "Son, I've been very proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied the Talmud diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut."

The young man waited a moment and then replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair."

The rabbi said, "Yes, and they walked everywhere they went"

*****

Henry

[Henry J]

*****
It seems that the son of the Indian Chief was sent off to the white man's school. Got his MBA and returned to the tribe. In the first council meeting he was asked what the weather would be like that coming winter. He replied he would have to ask the Great Spirit. So when he got to his teepee, he got on his cell phone and called a friend of his at the National Weather Service. His friend said, "Well, I would be conservative and tell them it is going to be a hard winter so they will have plenty of fuel."

So he reported back and all the Indians went to work getting fire wood. All this trickled up and eventually the National Weather Service came out with a warning for a severe cold winter ahead.

At length someone wanted to know how the National Weather Service had come up with such a prediction. When pressed, the answer came out, "Well the Indians seem to be gathering more than the usual amount of fire wood for this season."

*****

Showing his friend around his home, Fred started to point out all of the collectibles he and his wife had acquired over their long years of marriage.

"The day before I die, I'd like to sell every piece we've got just to see how much it's all worth."

"But you couldn't possibly know the day before you were going to die, so how could you sell it."

"Simple: If I sell it, my wife would kill me!"

********
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry midterm. The answer was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law, (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

"First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing with time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving.

I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions, and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell. Because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Teresa Banyan during my Freshman year-- "...that it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you."-- and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then #2 cannot be true; and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze."

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"

*****

Henry

[Henry J]

*****

You'll know yours is a redneck church if:

The finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.

People ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.

The pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering." Then five guys and two women stand up.

Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.

A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of."

The choir is known as the "OK Chorale".

Boone's Farm "Tickle Pink" is the favorite wine for communion.

In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.

Baptism is referred to as "branding".

There is a special fund raiser for a new church septic tank.

Finding and returning lost sheep isn't just a parable.

High notes on the organ set the dogs on the floor to howling.

People think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy.

The baptismal font is a #2 galvanized washtub.

The choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy Bob's Barbecue.

The collection plates are really hub caps from a '56 Chevy.

And of course ... if the pastor has fewer teeth than Leon Spinks! Remember Leon Spinks? (boxer)

*****

Henry