Recycling

[Henry J]

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Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do . . . become Pen Pals?

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Hangover: The wrath of grapes.

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Income Tax: Capital punishment.

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A used car is not always what it's jacked up to be.

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Two silkworms were in a race. They ended up in a tie.

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To my sweetheart: My cooking's gotten better since I fondue.

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A robber broke into the police station and stole all the toilet seats: the police didn't have anything to go on.

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Middle Age: When actions creak louder than words.

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When you take stuff from one writer it's plagiarism; but when you take it from many writers, it's research.

Wilson Mizner (1876-1933)

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Henry

[Henry J]

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A certain man was infatuated with a young woman, but was so timid he never had the courage to speak to her. In fact, he told his therapist that every time he got near her he felt like nothing more than a tiny pebble.

"Well," his therapist responded, "if you want to get the girl you'll just have to be a little boulder!"

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You've heard frogs have been put on the endangered species list? Yup... those little buggers are always croaking.

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You only make mistakes if you're doing real work and getting things done.

Anonymous

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Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.

"How was he killed?" asked one detective.

"With a golf gun," the other detective replied.

"A golf gun?! What is a golf gun?"

"I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan."

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You can observe a lot by just watching. We made too many wrong mistakes.

Yogi Berra

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I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

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Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

*****

Henry

[brian]

EVE'S SIDE OF THE STORY

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve.

"So, how is everything going?" inquired God.

"It is all so beautiful, God," she replied. "The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem. It is these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They are a real pain," reported Eve. And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc. She felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more "symmetrically balanced," as she put it.

"That is a fair point," replied God, "But it was my f irst shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away." And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes.

Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden. "Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation?" "Just fantastic," she replied, "But for one oversight on your part. You see all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone."

God thought for a moment and said, "You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have over looked this?
You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you."

"Now let's see, where did I put the useless boob?"

Now doesn't THAT make more sense than that story about the rib?

[Henry J]

Well, that helps us keep abreast of our origin, doesn't it?

[Henry J]

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Time is nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't happen at once.

Anonymous

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A little lemon and seltzer will remove those pesky ink stains after you've been fingerprinted.

Martha Stewart

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"The highway cop said, 'Walk a straight line.'

I said, 'Well, Officer Pythagoras, the closest you could ever come to a straight line would be making an electrocephalogram of your brain waves.'

He said, 'You're under arrest. You have the right to remain silent. Do you wish to retain that right?'

And I thought, 'Oooh, a paradox!'"

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A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"

And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

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Young son: Is it true Dad that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?

Dad: That happens in every country, son.

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Then there was a woman who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and by then it was too late."

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Those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make violent revolution inevitable.

John F. Kennedy (1917-1963)

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Henry

[Henry J]

*****

IT'S TIME TO DIET AND EXERCISE WHEN...

...you try to do a few pushups and discover that certain body parts refuse to leave the floor.

...your children look through your wedding album and want to know who Daddy's first wife was.

...you get winded just saying the words "six-kilometer run."

...you analyze your body honestly and decide what you should develop first is your sense of humor.

...you accept the fact that you can fool some of the people all of the time and all of the people some of the time, but not while you're wearing a bathing suit.

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It was rush hour, and when the bus finally arrived, it was packed. I tried to force my way on, but no one would budge, although there was ample room in the back. Then the bus driver took over.

"Excuse me, Ladies and Gentlemen," he shouted. "Will all the beautiful, smart people please move to the back of the bus, and all the ugly stupid people stay up front?"

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How is a man like a used car?

Both are easy to get, cheap, and unreliable

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Time you enjoy wasting, was not wasted.

John Lennon

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It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth. (George Burns)

I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own. (Woody Allen)

Some guy hit my fender the other day, and I said unto him "Be fruitful and multiply". But not in those words . . . . . (Woody Allen)

If only God would give me some sign...a clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank. (Selections from the Allen Notebooks, New Yorker)

Another good thing about being poor is that when you are seventy your children will not have you declared legally insane in order to gain control of your estate. (Woody Allen)

If you want to make GOD Laugh, tell him your future plans. (Woody Allen)

Those are my principles, if you don't like them...... I have others." (Groucho Marx)

*****

Henry

[Henry J]

*****

"Half of the harm that is done in this world is due to people who want to feel important."
George Eliot, (1819-1880)

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There was a tradesman, a painter called Wayne, who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often would thin down paint to make it go a wee bit further.

As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the Baptist Church decided to do a big restoration job on the painting of one of their biggest buildings. Wayne put in a bid, and because his price was so low, he got the job.

And so he set to erecting the trestles and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with turpentine.

Well, Wayne was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, and the sky opened, the rain poured down, washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Wayne clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.

Wayne was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got on his knees and cried: "Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?"

And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke...

(you're going to love this)

"Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"

*****

Fax machines can have a great effect on politicians.

Somebody just sent a fax message to every member of our state legislature. Each fax message was exactly the same: "The press has found out everything."

Both houses of the legislature emptied out within thirty minutes.

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I decided to stop worrying about my teenage daughter's driving and take advantage of it.

I got one of those bumper stickers that say, "How's my driving?" and put a 900 number on it.

At 50 cents a call, I've been making $38 a week.

*****

Henry

[Henry J]

*****

The seven-year old told her mom, that a little boy in her class asked her to play doctor.

"Oh, dear," the mother nervously sighed. "What happened, honey?"

"Nothing, he made me wait 45 minutes and then double-billed the insurance company."

*****

At the Olympics a man went up to a competitor who was carrying a very long pole.

"Are you a pole vaulter?"

"No, I'm German, but how did you know my name is Walter?"

*****

So it seems that these four rabbis had a series of theological arguments, and three were always in accord against the fourth. One day, the odd rabbi out, after the usual "3 to 1, majority rules" statement that signified that he had lost again, decided to appeal to a higher authority.

"Oh, God!" he cried. "I know in my heart that I am right and they are wrong! Please give me a sign to prove it to them!"

It was a beautiful, sunny day. As soon as the rabbi finished his prayer, a storm cloud moved across the sky above the four. It rumbled once and dissolved. "A sign from God! See, I'm right, I knew it!" But the other three disagreed, pointing out that storm clouds form on hot days.

So the rabbi prayed again: "Oh, God, I need a bigger sign to show that I am right and they are wrong. So please, God, a bigger sign!" This time four storm clouds appeared, rushed toward each other to form one big cloud, and a bolt of lightning slammed into a tree on a nearby hill.

"I told you I was right!" cried the rabbi, but his friends insisted that nothing had happened that could not be explained by natural causes.

The rabbi was getting ready to ask for a *very big* sign, but just as he said, "Oh God...," the sky turned pitch black, the earth shook, and a deep, booming voice intoned, "HEEEEEEEE'S RIIIIIIIGHT!"

The rabbi put his hands on his hips, turned to the other three, and said, "Well?"

"So," shrugged one of the other rabbis, "now it's 3 to 2."

*****

Henry

[Henry J]

*****

We never reflect how pleasant it is to ask for nothing.

Seneca (3 B.C. - 65 A.D.)

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"These hills are getting steeper as the years go by," one complained.

"These fairways seem to be getting longer too," said one of the others.

"The sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember them too," said the third senior.

After hearing enough from his senior buddies, the oldest, and the wisest of the four of them at 87 years old, piped up and said, "Just be thankful we're still on the right side of the grass!"

*****

The drunken old lady was hunched over the bar, toothpick in hand, spearing futilely at the olive in her drink. A dozen times the olive eluded her. Finally, another patron, who had been watching intently from the next stool, became exasperated and grabbed the toothpick.

"Here, this is how you do it." he said, as he easily skewered the olive.

"Big deal," muttered the old drunk. "I already had him so tired out, he couldn't get away."

*****

McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar.

When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.

"S' cuse me", said a customer who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done, "what was that all about?"

"Ach, it were nothin', said McQuillan, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives!"

*****

The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.

"What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" asked the officer.

"I'm going to a lecture." The man said.

"And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" the cop asked.

"My wife," said the man.

*****

Henry

[Henry J]

*****

Some peeves that some people have kept as pets:

People who are willing to get up and search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change it manually!

When people say..."Oh, you just want to have your cake and eat it, too." Say what? What good is a piece of cake if you can't eat it? What should I do... eat someone else's piece of cake instead??

When people say... "It's always the last place you look." No fooling!! Why the bleep would you keep looking for it after you've already found it?? Do people do this?? Who and where are they?? Out looking for themselves?

When people say, while watching a movie . . . "Did you see that?" No, I paid $7.50 to come to a theater and stare at the ceiling up there. What did you come here for??

People who ask, "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya?

When something is "New & Improved". Which is it? If it's new, there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement then there must have been something before it!

When a cop pulls you over and then asks if you know how fast you were going. "You should know, Officer, you're the one that pulled me over!"

Chain letters! Who the bleep thinks that by annoying other people with stupid mail with no meaning, that they will grant you a wish, or make your long-lost love fall into your arms. Baloney! I'm so sure that by breaking a stupid chain letter that the computer gods are going to curse me!!

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Definition of Outdoor BBQing

BBQing is the only type of cooking a "real" man will do. When a man volunteers to do such cooking, the following chain of events is put into motion.

1. The woman goes to the store.

2. The woman fixes the salad, vegetables and dessert.

3. The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill, drinking a beer.

4. The man places the meat on the grill.

5. The woman goes inside to set the table and check the vegetables.

6. The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning.

7. The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.

8. The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.

9. After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

10. The mans ask the woman how she enjoyed "her night off". And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.

HAPPY BBQing!!

*****

Henry

[Henry J]

*****

In Honour of Stupid People
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping.
(Damn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).

On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(the shoplifter special?)

On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap."
(and that would be how???.... )

On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(but it's "just" a suggestion).

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside down."
(well... duh, a bit late, huh!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot after heating."
(... and you thought????... )

On packaging for a Rowenta iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body."
(but wouldn't this save me more time)?

On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(and... I'm taking this because???....)

On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only."
(as opposed to... what)?

On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use."
(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts."
(talk about a news flash)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
(Step 3: maybe, uh... fly Delta?)

On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
(Oh my God... was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even chuckle)... in other words send it to everyone. We all need to smile every once in a while.

*****

Henry

[Henry J]

*****

Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

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A pastor got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation, "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program."

"The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."

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THOTS TO PONDER, or not...

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.

I'm in shape. Round is a shape.

I'm desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we have no idea where she is.

I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.

One out of every three people is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.

They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.

Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.

*****

Henry

[Henry J]

*****

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Redd Foxx

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TRUE FRIENDSHIP

Are you tired of all those sissy, mushy "friendship" poems that always sound good but never actually come close to reality? Well, here is a series of promises that really speaks to true friendship!

When you are sad... I will get you drunk and will help you plot revenge against the sorry devil who made you sad.

When you are blue... I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

When you smile... I'll know you finally got some.

When you are scared... I will rag you about it every chance I get.

When you are worried... I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and to quit whining.

When you are confused... I will use little words to explain it to your dumb butt.

When you are sick... stay away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.

When you fall... I will point and laugh at your clumsy butt.

*****

I was out walking with my four-year-old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I asked her not to do that.

"Why?"

"Because it's been laying outside and is dirty and probably has germs."

At this point, she looked at me with total admiration and said, "Wow! How do you know all this stuff?"

"Uh," I was thinking quickly, " everyone knows this stuff. Um, it's on the Mommy test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mommy."

"Oh."

We walked along in silence for two or three minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information. "I get it!" she beamed. "Then if you flunk, you have to be the Daddy."

*****

Henry

[Henry J]

*****

Q: Did you hear about the "day after" pill for men?

A: It changes their blood type.

*****

There are only eleven times in history where the "F" word has been considered acceptable for use.

They are as follows:

11. "What the @#$% do you mean we are sinking?"
-- Capt. E.J. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912

10. "What the @#$% was that?"
-- Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945

9. "Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?"
-- Custer, 1877

8. "Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that."
-- Einstein, 1938

7. "It does so @#$%ing look like her!"
-- Picasso, 1926

6. "How the @#$% did you work that out?"
-- Pythagoras, 126 BC

5. "You want WHAT! on the @#$%ing ceiling?"
-- Michelangelo, 1566

4. "Where the @#$% are we?"
-- Amelia Earhart, 1937

3. "Scattered @#$%ing showers, my foot!"
-- Noah, 4314 BC

2. "Aw c'mon. Who the @#$% is going to find out?"
-- Bill Clinton, 1999

and a drum roll............! .....

1. "Geez, I didn't think they'd get this @%#*^ing mad."
-- Sadaam Hussein, 2003

*****

Henry

[brian]

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by check. " I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account."

"I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"