Recycling

Henry J · Post by **Henry J** » Thu Dec 08, 2005 5:49 pm

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Why did the chicken cross the road?

Chakotay: Whatever its reason, whatever its goals, we should respect its right to cross the road and seek its own spiritual awareness.

Garak: Why, Doctor, whatever makes you think that *I*, a simple tailor, would know anything about chickens?

Neelix: Actually, Captain, I'm not really familiar with the chickens in this system. But, if you can catch it, I can cook it.

Riker: I don't know why, but I know how: with pleasure, sir.

Worf: I don't know. KLINGON chickens do NOT cross roads.

HoloDoc: How should I know? No one tells me anything around here. I didn't even know we added chickens to the crew. All I know is that it would have been nice, BEFORE the chicken went off to the cross the road, if it had remembered to turn me off!

Dr. Crusher: If there's nothing wrong with the chicken, there must be something wrong with the universe.

Dr. Soran: His heart just wasn't in it. (Scenes of chicken torture with nanoprobes have been edited out.)

Scotty: Because she couldna take much more of it.

Odo: I don't know, but I'm sure it must be Quark's fault.

Quark: Who, me?

Charlie X: Because it didn't want to STAY... STAY... STAY...

Kirk: You chicken (censored), you killed my son... YOU chicken (censored), you killed... my SON... you CHICKEN (censored)... you killed my... son!

Troi: I feel the chicken's pain!

Kira: It was probably being chased by the damned Cardassians.

Bones: Dammit, I'm a doctor, not an ornithologist!

Data: The chicken, in observing that it was on the opposite side of the 20th century Terran paved roadway, was aware that its immediate goal should have been to traverse the distance without interception by an kind of combustion-propelled personal transport vehicle, but I am unclear as to why any kind of domesticated fowl should desire to perambulate upon a conveyance normally reserved for the usage of...
yes, sir.

Dr. Bashir: It probably heard about my amazing medical skills not to mention my sexual prowess and came to get some pointers.

Seven of Nine: Crossing the road is irrelevant.

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A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

Henry

Henry J · Post by **Henry J** » Thu Dec 08, 2005 5:53 pm

Copying from one source is plagiarism.

Copying from many is research.

lswot · Post by **lswot** » Fri Dec 09, 2005 12:39 pm

Xjmt · Post by **Xjmt** » Fri Dec 09, 2005 3:51 pm

Henry J wrote:Copying from one source is plagiarism.

Copying from many is research.

Unless, of course, you use the exact same words and don't credit the original or get permission. Otherwise you get to stay someplace nice and warm with no need for a shovel.

Henry J · Post by **Henry J** » Fri Dec 09, 2005 5:59 pm

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More poultry in motion:

Why did the chicken cross the road... Star Trek style

James T. Kirk: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

Scotty: 'Cos ma wee transporter beam was na functioning ploperly. Ah canna work miracles, Captain.

Dr. McCoy: Dammit, Jim! I'm a doctor, not a farmer.

Mr. Spock: Obviously it was the logical thing to do.

Mr. Data: Why is a barnyard fowl crossing a thoroughfare humorous?

Mr. Worf: For the honor of all chickens!

Counselor Troi: I knew it was going to happen, I could sense it.

Computer: Insufficient information.

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Henry

Henry J · Post by **Henry J** » Sat Dec 10, 2005 7:03 pm

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Subject: Dilbert Dictionary

The Expanded Dilbert vocabulary:

Assmosis - The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss.

Blamestorming - Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible.

Seagull Manager - A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, shits over everything and then leaves.

Blowing your buffer - Losing your train of thought.

Salmon day - The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.

Chainsaw consultant - An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the brass with clean hands.

CLM - Career-limiting move - Used among microserfs to describe ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM.

Depotphobia - Fear associated with entering a Home Depot because of how much money one might spend. Electronics geeks experience Shackophobia.

Adminisphere - The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

Dilberted - To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived from the experiences of Dilbert, the geek-in-hell comic strip character. I've been dilberted again. The old man revised the specs for the fourth time this week.

Flight Risk - Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave the company or department soon.

404 - Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message404 Not Found, meaning that the requested document could not be located. Don't bother asking him...he's 404, man.

Generica - Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, sub-divisions. Used as in "We were so lost in generica that I forgot what city we were in."

Keyboard Plaque - The disgusting buildup of dirt and crud found on computer keyboards.

Ohnosecond - That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.

Percussive Maintenance - The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

Prairie Dogging - When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm (an office full of cubicles) and everyone's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

Telephone Number Salary - A salary (or project budget) that has seven digits.

Umfriend - A sexual relation of dubious standing or a concealed intimate relationship, as in This is Dale, my... um... friend.

Yuppie Food Stamps - the ubiquitous $20 bills spewed out of ATMs everywhere. Often used when trying to split the bill after a meal: We all owe $8 each, but all anybody's got is yuppie food stamps.

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Henry

lswot · Post by **lswot** » Sun Dec 11, 2005 11:23 am

"Yuppie Food Stamps - the ubiquitous $20 bills spewed out of ATMs everywhere. Often used when trying to split the bill after a meal: We all owe $8 each, but all anybody's got is yuppie food stamps. "

I keep tellin em......get change machines installed next to the ATM...or better yet.....have the ATM -ask-"How do you want that? 5, 10's, etc.....

Xjmt · Post by **Xjmt** » Sun Dec 11, 2005 1:29 pm

We have, locally, ATMs that still issue $10 bills.

Henry J · Post by **Henry J** » Sun Dec 11, 2005 4:29 pm

This is an actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment in Florida........
and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!

NAME: ---- ------

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Aries.

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Henry

lswot · Post by **lswot** » Mon Dec 12, 2005 12:53 pm

Questions that defy answers.

1. Why is it called the Minute Waltz when it lasts a minute and 49 seconds?
2. How do you write "zero" in Roman Numerals?
3. If you sneeze when you are alone should you "God Bless" yourself?
4. With four legs does my dog get twice as much exercise as I do or half as much?
5. Does the Invisible Man have a picture on his driver's license?
6. Why doesn't Mona Lisa have eyebrows?
7. Why do fans sing "Take Me Out to the Ballgame" when they are already there?
8. How can you make a perfect sandwich with round bologna and square bread?
9. If the pen is mightier than the sword and a picture is worth a thousand words, what would a picture of a sword be worth?
10. If man evolved from apes and monkeys, why do we still have apes and monkeys?
11. How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow signs?
12. Can my vegan daughter eat animal crackers?
13. Why does the word "snow" have a "w" in it?
14. How can a chocolate doughnut get to be a day old?
15. If Police arrest a Mime, do they have to tell him he has the right to remain silent?
16. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
17. If a sychronized swimmer drowns, must the others drown too?
18. If a little knowledge is a dangerous thing what is a lot of ignorance?
19. Do they lock gas station bathrooms because they are afraid someone will chlean them?
20. How did "Keep Off The Grass" signs get there?
21. Why don't we ever see a headline that reads,"psychic Wins Lottery?
22. Why don't sheep shrink?
23. Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
24. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about it?
25. What is the speed of darkness?
26. If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made from the same material?
27. Why do "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same?
<copied from a newspaper article by Tom Hennessy>

Henry J · Post by **Henry J** » Mon Dec 12, 2005 8:04 pm

Another version:

(But don't ask me how both of them can be "actual".

)

This is an actual job application someone submitted at a fast-food establishment........

NAME: ---- -------

DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle-management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in Bimini with a fabulously wealthy supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.

SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising.

[28 line signature deleted]

Henry

Henry J · Post by **Henry J** » Mon Dec 12, 2005 8:08 pm

1. Clocks weren't as accurate back when it was written.
2. _______
3. Nah, just wipe it up.
4. Wonder what that says about spiders or centipedes?
5. Doesn't matter; the cops won't see him anyway.
6. She had pluck.
9. Whatever you can sell it for.

10. Cuz we haven't killed them all yet.
15. _______

Henry

Henry J · Post by **Henry J** » Tue Dec 13, 2005 6:02 pm

Subject: JOD: Job Descriptions

-Forget about your zodiac sign, what's your business sign?

1) MARKETING
You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now.
Least compatible with Sales.

2) SALES
Laziest of all signs, often referred to as "marketing without a degree." You are also self centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid contact with customers so you can "concentrate on the big picture." You seek admiration for your golf game throughout your life.

3) TECHNOLOGY
Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead content to completely control everything that happens at your workplace. Often even YOU don't understand what you are saying but who the hell can tell. It is written that Geeks shall inherit the Earth.

4) ENGINEERING
One of only two signs that actually studied in school. It is said that ninety percent of all Personal Ads are placed by engineers. You can be happy with yourself; your office is full of all the latest "ergodynamic" gadgets. However, we all know what is really causing your "carpal tunnel syndrome."

5) ACCOUNTING
The only other sign that studied in school. You are mostly immune from office politics. You are the most feared person in the organization; combined with your extreme organizational traits, the majority of rumors concerning you say that you are completely insane.

6) HUMAN RESOURCES
Ironically, given your access to confidential information, you tend to be the biggest gossip within the organization. Possibly the only other person that does less work than marketing, you are unable to return any calls today because you have to get a haircut, have lunch AND then mail a letter.

7) MANAGEMENT/MIDDLE MANAGEMENT
Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "Middle Managers" as everyone in you social circle is a "Middle Manager."

8) SENIOR MANAGEMENT
(See above - Same sign, different title)

9) CUSTOMER SERVICE
Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty-cent cab ride from taking your own life. As children very few of you asked your parents for a little cubicle for your room and a headset so you could pretend to play "Customer Service." Continually passed over for promotions, your best bet is to sleep with your manager.

10) CONSULTANT
Lacking any specific knowledge, you use acronyms to avoid revealing your utter lack of experience. You have convinced yourself that your "skills" are in demand and that you could get a higher paying job with any other organization in a heartbeat. You will spend an eternity contemplating these career opportunities without ever taking direct action.

11) RECRUITER, "HEADHUNTER"
As a "person" that profits from the success of others, you are disdained by most people who actually work for a living. Paid on commission and susceptible to alcoholism, your ulcers and frequent heart attacks correlate directly with fluctuations in the stock market.

12) PARTNER, PRESIDENT, CEO
You are either brilliant or lucky. Your inability to figure out complex systems, such as the fax machine, suggests the latter.

13) GOVERNMENT WORKER
Paid to take days off. Government workers are genius inventors, like the invention of new Holidays. They usually suffer from deep depression or anxiety and usually commit serious crimes while on the job. Thus the term "GO POSTAL".

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Henry

Xjmt · Post by **Xjmt** » Wed Dec 14, 2005 7:07 am

My karma ran over your dogma.
Disabled still means able.
A waist is a terrible thing to mind.
Don't say bald-say combing impaired.
Hermits Unite!
Optimistic-even in the face of reality.
Attitudes are the biggest disability.
Sorry, I don't date outside my species.
"Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you just sit there."-Will Rogers
All we are saying is give peas a chance.
Practice random acts of kindness and senseless beauty.
Under Republicans, man exploited man. Under Democrats, it's just the opposite.
Vusualize whirled peas.
Mend your fuelish ways.
They're not hot flashes: they're power surges.

Henry J · Post by **Henry J** » Wed Dec 14, 2005 5:24 pm

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A number of years ago there was a proposed merger between Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers. Rumor had it that the new company would be called Fairwell Honeychild.

There is a merger in the works involving Polygraph Records, Warner Brothers and Keebler. It will be called Poly-Warner-Cracker.

There has long been a rumor that W. R. Grace Co. was going to buy the Fuller Brush Co. and Mary Kay Cosmetics and then merge with the Hale Business Systems. This would result in the new mega-corporation Hale Mary Fuller Grace.

Don't forget the failed merger between Yahoo and Netscape: Net'n'Yahoo. It didn't work out because they were afraid they would have to relocate the headquarters to Tel Aviv.

Others in the works:
-3M & Goodyear = mmmGood
-John Deere & Abitibi-Price = Deere Abi
-Honeywell & Imasco & Home Oil = Honey, I'm Home
-Denison Mines & Alliance & Metal Mining = Mine, All Mine
-3M & JC Penney & Canadian Opera Company = 3 Penney Opera
-Grey Poupon & Dockers Pants = Poupon Pants
-Knott's Berry Farm & National Organization of Women = Knott NOW
-Crabtree & Evelyn and Apple Computer = Crab Apple
-Swissair & Cheseborough-Ponds = Swisscheese
-Zippo Manufacturing & Audi & Dofasco & Dakota Mining = Zip Audi Do Da

Then there's the new rock group being formed by Ron Wood, Meat Loaf, & Roberta Flack to be called MeatWood Flack

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Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets angry, he'll be a mile away - and barefoot.

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Henry