Recycling

[Henry J]

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Subject: Fw: Ole and Lena Humor
Ole and Lena were out walking and Lena clutched her heart and fell to the sidewalk. Ole got out his cell phone and called 9-1-1. The Operator said "Where are you?"
Ole said, "We were walking and Lena is on the sidewalk on Eucalyptus Street."
The operator said, "How do you spell that?" and the phone seemed to go dead. The operator kept shouting for Ole. She could hear him panting. Then he came back on and said, "I dragged her over to Oak St, that's O-A-K."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two Norwegian hunters from Minnesota got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They bagged six. As they started loading the plane for the return trip, the pilot said the plane could take only four moose. The two lads objected strongly, "Last year we shot six and the pilot let us put them all on board and he had the same plane as yours."
Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. However, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down a few moments after take-off.
Climbing out of the wreck one Norski asked the other, "Any idea where we are?"
"Yaaah I tink we's pretty close to where we crashed last year."
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Lena called the airlines information desk and inquired, "How long does it take to fly from Minneapolis to Fargo?"
"Yust a minute", said the busy clerk.
"Vell", said Lena, "if it has to go dat fast, I tink I'll yust take da bus."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The judge had just awarded a divorce to Lena, who had charged non-support. He said to Ole, "I have decided to give your wife $400 a month for support."
"Vell, dat's fine, Judge," said Ole. "And vunce in a while I'll try to chip in a few bucks, myself."
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Ole is so cheap that after his airplane landed safely he grumbled, "Vell, dere gose five dollars down da drain for dat flight insurance!"
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Lars: "Ole, stant in front of my car and tell me if da turn signals are working."
Ole: "Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes, No..."
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Ole and Lena got married. On their honeymoon trip they were nearing Minneapolis when Ole put his hand on Lena's knee.
Giggling, Lena said, "Ole, you can go a little farther now if ya vant to."
So Ole drove to Duluth.
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Ole died. So Lena went to the local paper to put a notice in the obituaries.
The gentleman at the counter, after offering his condolences, asked Lena what she would like to say about Ole.
Lena replied, "You yust put 'Ole died'."
The gentleman, somewhat perplexed, said, "That's it? Just 'Ole died.'?
Surely, there must be something more you'd like to say about Ole. If it's money you're concerned about, the first five words are free. We must say something more."
So Lena pondered for a few minutes and finally said, "O.K. You put, Ole died. Boat for sale."
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Ole and Lars were on their very first train ride. They had brought along bananas for lunch. Just as they began to peel them, the train entered a long, dark tunnel.
"Have you eaten your banana yet?" Ole asked excitedly.
"No," replied Lars.
"Vell, don't touch it den," Ole exclaimed."I yust took vun bite and vent blind!"
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Ole bought Lena a piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, Lars inquired how she was doing with it.
"Oh," said Ole, "I persuaded her to svitch to a clarinet."
"How come?" asked Lars.
"Vell," Ole answered, "because vith a clarinet she can't sing."
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Ole and Lena went to the Olympics. While sitting on a bench a lady turned to Ole and said, "Are you a pole vaulter?"
Ole said, "No, I'm Norvegian and my name isn't Valter."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Henry

[Henry J]

************************************
Governmentium

A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest chemical element yet known to science. The new element has been tentatively named Governmentium.

Governmentium has 1 neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 224 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

Since governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of governmentium causes one reaction to take over 4 days to complete when it would normally take less than a second.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 3 years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause some morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists to speculate that governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as Critical Morass.

************************************
_Quotes_Of_The_Day_
If I think, and therefore I am, am I just a thought?
If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?
Why do the numbers on the phone go one way, but the numbers on the calculator go the other way?
Why do we tie shoes to the back of a car for newly weds?
Is it possible to do stand-up comedy sitting down?
Is bad a bad word?
If dinosaurs had sores.........what would they be called?
What does the T in T-Shirt really mean?
Why does the label on children's Tylenol tell you not to operate heavy machinery or vehicles when it's for CHILDREN!?
Why do they call front seat shotgun?
Do bald men wash their head with soap or shampoo?
Why is there not a Channel 1 on TV?
Why are there dents in a golf ball?
Why are the obituaries found in the "living" section of the newspaper?
How can someone be dirt poor, and another be filthy rich?
When you put 'THE' and 'IRS' together, it forms 'THEIRS'. Coincidence? I think not.
What would happen if u put a humidifier and a dehumdifier in the same room?
Are one handed people offended when police tell them to put their hands up?
If you built a time machine with all new parts, when you went back would the parts you use dissapear because they didn't exist then?

************************************

Henry

[Henry J]

=======================
Alcohol Consumption

This is soooooo gooooooood!

Of course this does not apply to any of my family and friends, but you may want to pass this on to other people to warn them.

Liquor manufacturers have accepted the Government's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all varieties of alcohol containers:

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.
>>>
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WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
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WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
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WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
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WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
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WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
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WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
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WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
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WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
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WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
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WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may be a major factor in getting your ass kicked.
>>>
>>>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: the crumsumpten of alcohol may Mack you tink you kan tpye reel gode

Roger Stegman

=======================

Henry

[Henry J]

=================================
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.

"There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars... a lot cheaper than a doctor."

So Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and Epson Salt. (Aisle 8) And avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks..... Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart.

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe begins wondering if the computer can be fooled. He mixes some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure. Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

Thank you for shopping here.

DianeZ

=================================
If I only had a little humility, I'd be perfect.

Books are the way the dead talk to the living.

Trying is the first step towards failure.

Those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make violent revolution inevitable.

=================================

Henry

[Henry J]

===================================

The squeaking wheel doesn't always get the grease. Sometimes it gets replaced.

A groundless rumor often covers a lot of ground.

Never fight an inanimate object.

In Mexico we have a word for sushi: bait.

Love looks through a telescope; envy, through a microscope.

All power corrupts, but we need the electricity.

I have learned to use the word 'impossible' with the greatest caution.

Learn as much by writing as by reading.

When someone does something good, applaud! You will make two people happy.

The reward of one duty is the power to fulfill another.

Too much of a good thing is wonderful.

If you are going to do something wrong at least enjoy it.

The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax.

Early morning cheerfulness can be extremely obnoxious.

"An education isn't how much you have committed to memory, or even how much you know. It's being able to differentiate between what you do know and what you don't."

Most people pay too much for the things they get for nothing.

Of those who say nothing, few are silent.

Things Moms Teach...
My mother taught me about GENETICS You are just like your father!
My mother taught me about my ROOTS Do you think you were born in a barn?

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Henry

[Henry J]

===========================================

Subject: When I Say I'm Broke-- I'm Broke

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young
man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like
to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."

"Go away!" said the old lady.

"I haven't got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.

"Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.

"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally
eat the remainder."

The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a darn good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning."

===========================================

An economist's guess is liable to be as good as anybody else's.

Change is good, but dollars are better.

Common sense is instinct. Enough of it is genius.

If the shoe fits, it's too expensive.

People always say that hard work never killed anybody. Oh yeah? When's the last time ya ever heard of anyone who rested to death.

Being punctual in our Office was of no benefit what-so-ever. There was never anybody around to appreciate it.

Did ya ever notice the people who complain the most about not having enough time to do all their work are the same ones who always stop & tell everyone that they don't have enuff time to do all their work.

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Henry

[Henry J]

==============================================
----- Original Message -----
The Pasta Diet and Your Health

ITALIAN PASTA DIET -- IT REALLY WORKS !!

1.. You walka pasta da bakery.

2.. You walka pasta da candy store.

3.. You walka pasta da Ice Cream shop

4.. You walka pasta da table and fridge.

You will lose weight!

AND......

CONCERNED ABOUT TOO MANY CARBS IN YOUR DIET?

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health.
It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION

Eat and drink what you like - Speaking English is apparently what kills you!

Roger Stegman

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Henry

[Henry J]

=================================================================
Listening, not imitation, may be the sincerest form of flattery.

Life is too important to be taken seriously.

A good listener is a good talker with a sore throat.

Nobody loves me but my mother, And she could be jivin' too.

It is useless to send armies against ideas.

Optimist, n. A proponent of the doctrine that black is white.

A cult is a religion with no political power.

My curiosity is my creativity on the way to discovery.

If you scatter thorns, don't go barefoot.

One should count each day a separate life.

He who would leap high must take a long run.

Of all noises, I think music is the least disagreeable.

Riches are not an end of life, but an instrument of life.

Coolidge is dead How could they tell?

One thing you can give and still keep is your word.

To him who is determined it remains only to act.

Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.

I belong to no organized party. I am a Democrat.

Art is making something out of nothing and selling it.

There are three ingredients to the good life; learning, earning, and yearning.

The only good is knowledge and the only evil is ignorance.

No one can earn a million dollars honestly.

Music . . . can name the unnameable and communicate the unknowable.

Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

IRRELIGION, n. The principal one of the great faiths of the world.

If God lived on earth, people would break his windows.

The wise man avoids evil by anticipating it.

This is getting on my nerves, now that I have them.

Most conversations are simply monologues delivered in the presence of a witness.

I don't believe in divorce. I believe in widowhood.

The Net interprets censorship as damage... and routes around it.

Time ripens all things; no man is born wise.

Be not ashamed of mistakes and thus make them crimes.

Where observation is concerned, chance favors only the prepared mind.

England and America are two countries seperated by the same language.

=================================================================

Henry

[Henry J]

=================================================
Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
The computer is a moron.
I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
The cry of equality pulls everyone down.
To feel fit as a fiddle you must tone down your middle.
Principles have no real force except when one is well-fed.
The only way to have a friend is to be one.
That's the problem with tradition, it's always dated.
I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.
He who boasts of his ancestry is praising the deeds of another.
Truly great madness cannot be achieved without significant intelligence.
Honesty is the best policy - when there is money in it.
RESOLUTE, adj. Obstinate in a course that we approve.
Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory.
No man is a hypocrite in his pleasures.
Money is good for bribing yourself through the inconveniences of life.
Human war has been the most successful of our cultural traditions.
Where is there dignity unless there is honesty?
I'm not the public.
Everything should be made as simple as possible, but not simpler.
I'm not going to climb into the ring with Tolstoy.
The gods too are fond of a joke.
No.
It is easier to believe than to doubt.
Never trust a husband too far or a bachelor too near.
As soon as you trust yourself, you will know how to live.
The higher the buildings, the lower the morals.
Life in abundance comes only through great love.
The biggest shortage of all is the shortage of common sense.
To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.
Loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves
If age imparted wisdom, there wouldn't be any old fools.
Life is an effort that deserves a better cause.
You don't die of a broken heart, you only wish you did.
Complain to one who can help you.
He is richest who is content with the least.
Now and then an innocent man is sent to the legislature.
One thing you can give and still keep is your word.
Every nation ridicules other nations, and all are right.
KINDNESS, n. A brief preface to ten volumes of exaction.
Practice random beauty and senseless acts of love.
LAWYER, n. One skilled in circumvention of the law.

Roger Stegman

=================================================

Henry

[Henry J]

=========================================
Luck always seems to be against the man who depends on it.

Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.

How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?

Practicing the Golden Rule is not a sacrifice; it is an investment.

Fortunately, the second-to-last bug has just been fixed.

Start every day with a smile and get it over with.

Courage is the ladder on which all the other virtues mount.

Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.

Words without actions are the assassins of idealism.

Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

Everybody likes a kidder, but nobody lends him money.

The legacy of Democrats and Republicans approaches: Libertarianism by bankruptcy.

Adversity is the diamond dust Heaven polishes its jewels with.

One thing you can give and still keep is your word.

Solutions are not the answer.

Every nation ridicules other nations -- and all are right.

Brides aren't happy - they are just triumphant.

The city is not a concrete jungle, it is a human zoo.

The woman of my dreams knows how to break into systems.

Wagner's music is better than it sounds.

Help eliminate and irradicate unnecessary redundant obfuscation.

=========================================

Henry

[lswot]

Help eliminate and irradicate unnecessary redundant obfuscation.

A favorite!!!!!!


A positive attutude may not solve all of your problems but, it will annoy enough peope to make it worth the effort. -Herm Albright-

[LHawke]

has anyone posted this one?

Old age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill.


Frakes said it at the Sci Fi Summit referring to Wil Wheaton (I think) but he twisted it a little.

[lswot]

has anyone posted this one?

Old age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill.


Frakes said it at the Sci Fi Summit referring to Wil Wheaton (I think) but he twisted it a little.

Nope.....I think your the first. But, Henry has so many of them....I could be mistaken. Naaaaa, not me.

[Henry J]

===========================
Subject: Best Drunk Story

A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says: "I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked.
Man, she is one fine looking woman!"

The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His
buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.

The drunk leans on the table again and says: "I got it
on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!"

The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing.

The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, "I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!"

At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says...................
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Roger Stegman

===========================

Henry

[lswot]