Jokes

Post by **trucker2000** » Thu Mar 23, 2006 5:56 pm

Now that was funny.

Xjmt · Post by **Xjmt** » Fri Mar 24, 2006 5:50 pm

A pompous minister was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Arizona.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The cowboy asked
for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink.
He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by brazen whores
than let liquor touch my lips."
The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too."
"I didn't know we had a choice."

LHawke · Post by **LHawke** » Fri Mar 24, 2006 8:03 pm

re: the farmer and the duck

Post by **trucker2000** » Sat Mar 25, 2006 3:30 am

lol

Post by **AnneB** » Mon Mar 27, 2006 4:37 pm

Medical Breakthrough Medications

St. Mom's Wort ... Plant extract that treats mom's depression
by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours.

Empty Nestrogen ... Highly effective suppository that
eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful
they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait til they
moved out.

Peptobimbo ... Liquid silicone for single women. Two full
cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size,
decreases intelligence, and improves flirting.

Dumerol ... When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause
dangerously low I.Q. causing enjoyment of country western music.

Flipitor .. Increases life expectancy of commuters by
controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

Antiboyotics ... When administered to teenage girls,
is highly effective in improving grades, freeing up
phone lines, and reducing money spent on make-up.

Menicillin ... Potent antibiotic for older women. Increases
resistance to such lines as, "You make me want to be
a better person ... can we get naked now?"

Buyagra ... Injectable stimulant taken prior to
shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree.

Extra Strength Buy-one-all ... When combined with Buyagra,
can cause an indiscriminant buying frenzy so severe the
victim may even come home with a Donnie Osmond CD or a book by Dr.
Laura.

Jack Asspirin ... Relieves the headache caused by a man
who can't remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number.

Anti-talksident ... A spray carried in a purse or wallet
to be used on anyone too eager to share their life
stories with total strangers.

Sexcedrin ... Bedroom aerosol spray for men. More
effective than Excedrin in treating the, "Not now, dear,
I have a headache," syndrome.

Ragamet ... When administered to a husband, provides the
same irritation as ragging on him all weekend, saving the
wife the time and trouble of doing it herself.

Men-Gay ... A rub-in ointment that enables single women
to identify who to cross off the dating pool.

lswot · Post by **lswot** » Mon Mar 27, 2006 7:48 pm

Oh my......

Post by **trucker2000** » Mon Mar 27, 2006 8:52 pm

Tis all I can say.

Post by **trucker2000** » Tue Mar 28, 2006 11:53 am

Fred?
A cop stops a car for traveling faster than the posted speed limit.

Since he's in a good mood that day he decides he might give the fellow a
break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. So, he asks the
man his name.

"Fred," he replies.

"Fred what?" the officer asks.

"Just Fred," the man responds.

When the officer presses him for a last name, the man tells him that he
used to have a last name but lost it.

The officer thinks he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with
it.

"Tell me Fred, how did you lose your last name?"

The man replies, "It's a long story so stay with me. I was born Fred
Dingaling. I know, funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the
time. So I stayed to myself. I studied hard and got good grades.

When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through
college medical school, internship, residency, finally got my degree so
I was Fred Dingaling , MD.

After a while I got bored being a doctor so I decided to go back to
school. Dentistry was my dream. Got all the way through school, got my
degree so I was now Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS.

Got bored doing dentistry so I started fooling around with my assistant.
She gave me VD. So, I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS with VD.

Well, the ADA found out about the VD so they took away my DDS so I was
Fred Dingaling MD with VD.

Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the
VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD.

Then the VD took away my dingaling so now I'm just Fred."

The officer walked away in tears laughing.

Xjmt · Post by **Xjmt** » Tue Mar 28, 2006 12:29 pm

LHawke · Post by **LHawke** » Thu Mar 30, 2006 8:04 pm

LHawke · Post by **LHawke** » Thu Mar 30, 2006 8:19 pm

A guy gets shipwrecked. When he wakes up, he's on a beach. The sand is
dark red.

He can't believe it. The sky is dark red. He walks around a bit and sees
there is dark red grass, dark red birds and dark red fruit on the dark
red trees. He's shocked when he finds that his skin is starting to turn
dark red too.

"Oh no!!" he says.

"I think I've been marooned!

Post by **trucker2000** » Fri Mar 31, 2006 8:29 am

lswot · Post by **lswot** » Fri Mar 31, 2006 12:52 pm

Website · Post by **brian** » Fri Mar 31, 2006 2:12 pm

NEW WORDS FOR 2006:

Essential vocabulary additions for the workplace (and elsewhere)!!!

1. BLAMESTORMING : Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

2. SEAGULL MANAGER : A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.

3. ASSMOSIS : The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.

4. SALMON DAY : The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.

5. CUBE FARM : An office filled with cubicles

6. PRAIRIE DOGGING : When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

7. MOUSE POTATO : The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

8. SITCOMs : Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What Yuppies get into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.

9. STRESS PUPPY : A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

10. SWIPEOUT : An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

11. XEROX SUBSIDY : Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.

12. IRRITAINMENT : Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The J-Lo and Ben wedding (or not) was a prime example - Michael Jackson, another...

13. PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE : The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

14. ADMINISPHERE : The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

15. 404 : Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error Message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested site could not be located.

16. GENERICA : Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, and subdivisions.

17. OHNOSECOND : That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake. (Like after hitting send on an email by mistake)

18. WOOFS : Well-Off Older Folks.

19. CROP DUSTING : Surreptitiously passing gas while passing through a Cube Farm .