You know the one where the devil is locked behind the door and is let out first by the visitror? Others repeat the error later in the episode.Recycling
-
lswot
- Tv Watcher
- Posts:13710
- Joined:Sun Aug 31, 2003 11:53 am
- Location:California
Reminds me of that Phil Harris song....."The Box"..."You'll never get rid of the *** no matter what you do........."
lswot-
Henry J
- Tv Watcher
- Posts:17968
- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
- Location:Colorado
-------------------------------------------------------
Hang-Gliding
In Kentucky, you don't see too many people hang-gliding, but Bubba wanted to give it a try. He saved his money and bought a hang-glider.
He takes it to the highest mountain, and after struggling to the top, he gets ready to take flight. He takes off running and reaches the edge -- into the wind he goes!
Meanwhile, Maw and Paw Hicks were sittin' on the porch swing talkin 'bout the good 'ol days when Maw spots the biggest bird she ever seen!
"Look at the size of that bird, Paw!" she exclaims.
Paw raises up," Git my gun, Maw."
She runs into the house, brings out his pump shotgun. He takes careful aim. BANG...BANG.....BANG.....BANG!
The monster size bird continues to sail silently over the tree tops.
"I think ya missed him, Paw," she says.
"Yeah," he replies, "but at least he let go of Bubba!"
(It's a bird. It's a plane. It's... Bubba.)
-------------------------------------------------------
: Airplane Jokes
1. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
2. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with you with our compliments."
3. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
4. And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
5. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate."
(De plane! De plane!)
-------------------------------------------------------
Computer Jokes
Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer: "Ok."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"
Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote click'."
(I don't think the tech guy's instruction clicked with the customer.)
-------------------------------------------------------
Henry
Hang-Gliding
In Kentucky, you don't see too many people hang-gliding, but Bubba wanted to give it a try. He saved his money and bought a hang-glider.
He takes it to the highest mountain, and after struggling to the top, he gets ready to take flight. He takes off running and reaches the edge -- into the wind he goes!
Meanwhile, Maw and Paw Hicks were sittin' on the porch swing talkin 'bout the good 'ol days when Maw spots the biggest bird she ever seen!
"Look at the size of that bird, Paw!" she exclaims.
Paw raises up," Git my gun, Maw."
She runs into the house, brings out his pump shotgun. He takes careful aim. BANG...BANG.....BANG.....BANG!
The monster size bird continues to sail silently over the tree tops.
"I think ya missed him, Paw," she says.
"Yeah," he replies, "but at least he let go of Bubba!"
(It's a bird. It's a plane. It's... Bubba.)
-------------------------------------------------------
: Airplane Jokes
1. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
2. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with you with our compliments."
3. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
4. And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
5. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate."
(De plane! De plane!)
-------------------------------------------------------
Computer Jokes
Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer: "Ok."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"
Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote click'."
(I don't think the tech guy's instruction clicked with the customer.)
-------------------------------------------------------
Henry
-
Henry J
- Tv Watcher
- Posts:17968
- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
- Location:Colorado
----------------------------------
Computer Jokes
You know it is time to reassess your relationship with your computer when....
1. You wake up at 4 O'clock in the morning to go to the bathroom and stop to check your email on the way back to bed.
2. You turn off your computer and get an awful empty feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
3. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free internet access.
4. You laugh at people with 28.8 modems.
5. You start using smileys :-) in your snail mail.
6. You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com
7. You can't correspond with your mother because she doesn't have a computer.
8. When your email box shows "no new messages" and you feel really depressed.
9. You don't know the gender of your three closest friends because they have nondescript screen name and you never bothered to ask.
10. You move into a new house and you decide to "Netscape" before you landscape.
11. Your family always knows where you are.
12. In real life conversations, you don't laugh, you just say "LOL, LOL".
13. After reading this message, you immediately forward it to a friend!
Charles
----------------------------------
Kid Jokes
Martin had just received his brand new driver's license.
The family troops out to the driveway, and climbs in the car, where he is going to take them for a ride for the first time. Dad immediately heads for the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver.
"I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," says the beaming boy to his father.
"Nope," comes dad's reply, "I'm gonna sit here and kick the back of your seat as you drive, just like you've been doing to me all these years."
----------------------------------
Henry
Computer Jokes
You know it is time to reassess your relationship with your computer when....
1. You wake up at 4 O'clock in the morning to go to the bathroom and stop to check your email on the way back to bed.
2. You turn off your computer and get an awful empty feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
3. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free internet access.
4. You laugh at people with 28.8 modems.
5. You start using smileys :-) in your snail mail.
6. You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com
7. You can't correspond with your mother because she doesn't have a computer.
8. When your email box shows "no new messages" and you feel really depressed.
9. You don't know the gender of your three closest friends because they have nondescript screen name and you never bothered to ask.
10. You move into a new house and you decide to "Netscape" before you landscape.
11. Your family always knows where you are.
12. In real life conversations, you don't laugh, you just say "LOL, LOL".
13. After reading this message, you immediately forward it to a friend!
Charles
----------------------------------
Kid Jokes
Martin had just received his brand new driver's license.
The family troops out to the driveway, and climbs in the car, where he is going to take them for a ride for the first time. Dad immediately heads for the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver.
"I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," says the beaming boy to his father.
"Nope," comes dad's reply, "I'm gonna sit here and kick the back of your seat as you drive, just like you've been doing to me all these years."
----------------------------------
Henry
-
Henry J
- Tv Watcher
- Posts:17968
- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
- Location:Colorado
Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question.
St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it." The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate.
St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't REALLY need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?" Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie and answered, "about 1,500."
"That's right! You may enter." St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. "Name them."
___________________________________________________________
Top 10 reasons computers are male
They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
A better model is always just around the corner.
They look nice and shiny until you bring them home.
It is always necessary to have a backup.
They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.
The best part of having either one is the games you can play.
In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
The lights are on but nobody's home.
Big power surges knock them out for the night.
Size does matter
----------------------------------------------------------
Why Computers Must Be Female
Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference.
The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
The message, "Bad command or filename," is about as informative as, "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you."
As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
--------------------
Henry
St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it." The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate.
St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't REALLY need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?" Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie and answered, "about 1,500."
"That's right! You may enter." St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. "Name them."
___________________________________________________________
Top 10 reasons computers are male
They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
A better model is always just around the corner.
They look nice and shiny until you bring them home.
It is always necessary to have a backup.
They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.
The best part of having either one is the games you can play.
In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
The lights are on but nobody's home.
Big power surges knock them out for the night.
Size does matter
----------------------------------------------------------
Why Computers Must Be Female
Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference.
The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
The message, "Bad command or filename," is about as informative as, "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you."
As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
--------------------
Henry
-
Henry J
- Tv Watcher
- Posts:17968
- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
- Location:Colorado
----------------------------------------
A woman rubbed a bottle and out popped a genie.
The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes.
The genie said, "Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth.
I'm a one-wish genie. So... What'll it be?"
The woman did not hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East.
See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa.
It will bring about world peace and harmony."
The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, please be reasonable.
These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years.. I'm good but not THAT good!
I don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable."
The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know - one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is great in bed and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That is what I wish for...a good man."
The genie let out a sigh and said, "Let me see the freaking map again."
----------------------------------------
A Marine stationed in Afghanistan recently received a "Dear John" Letter from his girlfriend back home. It read as follows:
Dear Ricky,
I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice since you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us. I'm sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.
Love, Becky
The Marine, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow Marines for any snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters, ex-girlfriends, aunts, cousins etc. In addition to the picture of Becky, Ricky included all the other pictures of the pretty gals he had collected from his buddies. There were 57 photos in that envelope along with this note:
Dear Becky,
I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who the h--- you are. Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back.
(A version of this one was a subplot on an episode of M*A*S*H
)
----------------------------------------
Henry
A woman rubbed a bottle and out popped a genie.
The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes.
The genie said, "Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth.
I'm a one-wish genie. So... What'll it be?"
The woman did not hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East.
See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa.
It will bring about world peace and harmony."
The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, please be reasonable.
These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years.. I'm good but not THAT good!
I don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable."
The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know - one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is great in bed and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That is what I wish for...a good man."
The genie let out a sigh and said, "Let me see the freaking map again."
----------------------------------------
A Marine stationed in Afghanistan recently received a "Dear John" Letter from his girlfriend back home. It read as follows:
Dear Ricky,
I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice since you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us. I'm sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.
Love, Becky
The Marine, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow Marines for any snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters, ex-girlfriends, aunts, cousins etc. In addition to the picture of Becky, Ricky included all the other pictures of the pretty gals he had collected from his buddies. There were 57 photos in that envelope along with this note:
Dear Becky,
I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who the h--- you are. Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back.
(A version of this one was a subplot on an episode of M*A*S*H
)----------------------------------------
Henry
-
Henry J
- Tv Watcher
- Posts:17968
- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
- Location:Colorado
----------------------------------------------------
: Question / Answer Jokes
Teacher: "why are you always late for school?"
Student: "Because you always ring the bell before I get here!"
----------------------------------------------------
Sport Jokes
Dad: "What happened to your eye?"
Tom: "I was staring at a ball from afar, and I was wondering why it was getting bigger and bigger. Then, it hit me."
----------------------------------------------------
Judges Jokes
Judge: "Haven't I seen you before?"
Man: "Yes, Your Honor. I taught your daughter how to play the drums."
Judge: "Twenty years!"
----------------------------------------------------
As I was trying to pack for vacation, my 3-year-old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point, she said, "Mom, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.
Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her fingers in my mouth and said, "Mommy gonna eat your fingers!" pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again.
When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.
I said, "What's wrong honey?"
"Mommy, where's my booger?"
----------------------------------------------------
Can't Remember
An agitated patient was stomping around the psychiatrist's office, running his hands through his hair, almost in tears.
"Doctor, my memory's gone. Gone! I can't remember my wife's name. Can't remember my children's names. Can't remember what kind of car I drive. Can't remember where I work. It was all I could do to find my way here."
"Calm down. How long have you been like this?"
"Like what?"
----------------------------------------------------
Henry
: Question / Answer Jokes
Teacher: "why are you always late for school?"
Student: "Because you always ring the bell before I get here!"
----------------------------------------------------
Sport Jokes
Dad: "What happened to your eye?"
Tom: "I was staring at a ball from afar, and I was wondering why it was getting bigger and bigger. Then, it hit me."
----------------------------------------------------
Judges Jokes
Judge: "Haven't I seen you before?"
Man: "Yes, Your Honor. I taught your daughter how to play the drums."
Judge: "Twenty years!"
----------------------------------------------------
As I was trying to pack for vacation, my 3-year-old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point, she said, "Mom, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.
Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her fingers in my mouth and said, "Mommy gonna eat your fingers!" pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again.
When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.
I said, "What's wrong honey?"
"Mommy, where's my booger?"
----------------------------------------------------
Can't Remember
An agitated patient was stomping around the psychiatrist's office, running his hands through his hair, almost in tears.
"Doctor, my memory's gone. Gone! I can't remember my wife's name. Can't remember my children's names. Can't remember what kind of car I drive. Can't remember where I work. It was all I could do to find my way here."
"Calm down. How long have you been like this?"
"Like what?"
----------------------------------------------------
Henry
Last edited by Henry J on Sun Jun 04, 2006 12:39 pm, edited 2 times in total.
-
Henry J
- Tv Watcher
- Posts:17968
- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
- Location:Colorado
---------------------------------------------
Business Jokes
Three engineers and three accountants were traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each bought tickets and watched as the three engineers bought only one ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked an accountant.
"Watch and you'll see", answered an engineer.
They all boarded the train. The accountants took their respective seats, but the three engineers all crammed into a rest room and closed the door behind them. Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around collecting tickets. He knocked on the restroom door and said, "Ticket, please".
The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand.
The conductor took it and moved on.
The accountants saw this and agreed it was a quite clever idea. So, after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they got to the station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers didn't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to ride without a ticket"? said one perplexed accountant.
"Watch and you'll see", answered an engineer.
When they boarded the train, the three accountants crammed into a restroom and the three engineers crammed into another one nearby. The train departed. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers left his restroom and walked over to the restroom where the accountants were hiding. He knocked on the door and said, "Ticket, please."
---------------------------------------------
Male Jokes
A rich millionaire throws a massive party for his 50th birthday. During this party, he grabs the microphone and announces to his guests that down in the garden of his mansion he has a swimming pool with two great white sharks in it.
"I will give anything of mine to the man who swims across that pool."
So the party continues with no events in the pool until SUDDENLY, there is a great splash and all the guests of the party run to the pool to see what has happened.
In the pool a man is swimming as hard as he can and fins come out of the water and jaws are snapping and this guy just keeps on going. The sharks are gaining on him and this guy reaches the end and gets out of the pool, tired and soaked. The millionaire grabs the microphone and says, "I am a man of my word. Anything of mine I will give: my Ferraris, my house, absolutely anything, for you are the bravest man I have ever seen. So sir what will it be?" The guy grabs the microphone and says, "Why don't we start with the name of the jerk who pushed me in!"
---------------------------------------------
Henry
Business Jokes
Three engineers and three accountants were traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each bought tickets and watched as the three engineers bought only one ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked an accountant.
"Watch and you'll see", answered an engineer.
They all boarded the train. The accountants took their respective seats, but the three engineers all crammed into a rest room and closed the door behind them. Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around collecting tickets. He knocked on the restroom door and said, "Ticket, please".
The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand.
The conductor took it and moved on.
The accountants saw this and agreed it was a quite clever idea. So, after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they got to the station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers didn't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to ride without a ticket"? said one perplexed accountant.
"Watch and you'll see", answered an engineer.
When they boarded the train, the three accountants crammed into a restroom and the three engineers crammed into another one nearby. The train departed. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers left his restroom and walked over to the restroom where the accountants were hiding. He knocked on the door and said, "Ticket, please."
---------------------------------------------
Male Jokes
A rich millionaire throws a massive party for his 50th birthday. During this party, he grabs the microphone and announces to his guests that down in the garden of his mansion he has a swimming pool with two great white sharks in it.
"I will give anything of mine to the man who swims across that pool."
So the party continues with no events in the pool until SUDDENLY, there is a great splash and all the guests of the party run to the pool to see what has happened.
In the pool a man is swimming as hard as he can and fins come out of the water and jaws are snapping and this guy just keeps on going. The sharks are gaining on him and this guy reaches the end and gets out of the pool, tired and soaked. The millionaire grabs the microphone and says, "I am a man of my word. Anything of mine I will give: my Ferraris, my house, absolutely anything, for you are the bravest man I have ever seen. So sir what will it be?" The guy grabs the microphone and says, "Why don't we start with the name of the jerk who pushed me in!"
---------------------------------------------
Henry
-
Henry J
- Tv Watcher
- Posts:17968
- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
- Location:Colorado
______________________________________
Genie Jokes
A man and an ostrich walk into a restaurant. The waitress asks, "What will it be?"
The man replied "a burger and a coke." "And you?" "I'll have the same," the ostrich replies. They finish their meal and pay.
"That will be $4.50," The man reached into his pocket and pulled out the exact amount. They do this every day till Fri.
"The usual?" she asked. "No, today is Friday. I'll have steak and a coke."
"Me too." says the ostrich. They finish and pay. "That will be $10.95"
The man reached in and pulls out the exact amount again just like all week.
The waitress was dumb-founded. "How is it that you always have the exact amount?"
"Well," says the man. "I was cleaning my attic and I found a dusty lamp. I rubbed it and a genie appeared." Wow!" said the waitress. "What did you wish for?"
"I asked that when I needed to pay for something, the exact amount would appear in my pocket."
"Amazing! Most people would ask for a million dollars. But what's with the ostrich?"
"Well," said the man. "I also asked for a chick with long legs."
Charles was describing a 30 pound Bass he'd caught recently after fighting it for three hours.
Charlie interrupted the story saying, "I saw the picture you took of that fish. You're lucky if it even weighed 10 pounds."
Charles replied, "Well . . . a fish can lose an awful lot of weight during three hours of fighting."
___________________________________________________
A convict broke out of jail in Washington DC, then a few days later accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At lunch, he went out for a sandwich. She needed to see him, and thus had him paged. Police officers recognized his name and arrested him as he returned to the courthouse in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour.
______________________________________
Charles was describing a 30 pound Bass he'd caught recently after fighting it for three hours.
Charlie interrupted the story saying, "I saw the picture you took of that fish. You're lucky if it even weighed 10 pounds."
Charles replied, "Well . . . a fish can lose an awful lot of weight during three hours of fighting."
___________________________________________________
Henry
Genie Jokes
A man and an ostrich walk into a restaurant. The waitress asks, "What will it be?"
The man replied "a burger and a coke." "And you?" "I'll have the same," the ostrich replies. They finish their meal and pay.
"That will be $4.50," The man reached into his pocket and pulled out the exact amount. They do this every day till Fri.
"The usual?" she asked. "No, today is Friday. I'll have steak and a coke."
"Me too." says the ostrich. They finish and pay. "That will be $10.95"
The man reached in and pulls out the exact amount again just like all week.
The waitress was dumb-founded. "How is it that you always have the exact amount?"
"Well," says the man. "I was cleaning my attic and I found a dusty lamp. I rubbed it and a genie appeared." Wow!" said the waitress. "What did you wish for?"
"I asked that when I needed to pay for something, the exact amount would appear in my pocket."
"Amazing! Most people would ask for a million dollars. But what's with the ostrich?"
"Well," said the man. "I also asked for a chick with long legs."
Charles was describing a 30 pound Bass he'd caught recently after fighting it for three hours.
Charlie interrupted the story saying, "I saw the picture you took of that fish. You're lucky if it even weighed 10 pounds."
Charles replied, "Well . . . a fish can lose an awful lot of weight during three hours of fighting."
___________________________________________________
A convict broke out of jail in Washington DC, then a few days later accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At lunch, he went out for a sandwich. She needed to see him, and thus had him paged. Police officers recognized his name and arrested him as he returned to the courthouse in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour.
______________________________________
Charles was describing a 30 pound Bass he'd caught recently after fighting it for three hours.
Charlie interrupted the story saying, "I saw the picture you took of that fish. You're lucky if it even weighed 10 pounds."
Charles replied, "Well . . . a fish can lose an awful lot of weight during three hours of fighting."
___________________________________________________
Henry
-
Henry J
- Tv Watcher
- Posts:17968
- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
- Location:Colorado
----------------------------------------------------
Men Vs. Women Jokes
A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"
"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."
"That's amazing," said the woman, "how old are you?"
"Twenty-six," he said.
----------------------------------------------------
Baby Jokes
A married couple rushed to the hospital because the woman was in labor the doctor asked the couple, "I have invented a new machine that you might want to try, it takes some of the labor pains away from the mother and gives it to the father." So the married couple decided that they would try this. So the doctor hooked the machine up and put it on 10% of pain switched from the mother to the father and the husband said "I feel okay turn it up a lot more" so the doctor turned it up to 50% and the husband said "why don't you just put it all on me cause I'm not feeling a thing" but the doctor warned them "this much could kill you if you're not prepared", and the husband replied "I am ready "so the doctor turned the machine up to 100% but the husband didn't fell a thing so they went home happy with a pain free labor, but when they got home the mailman was dead on the front porch!
----------------------------------------------------
Teachers Jokes
The professor had just related to his history class the event where an ancient runner had covered the 29 miles from the plains of Marathon to Troy to finally cry "Victory - Victory" and then fall dead from the run. Asking for comments, the class sat quietly until one student, a cross-country team member from the back of the room quietly asked - "did anybody get his time?"
----------------------------------------------------
Eschew obfuscation!
----------------------------------------------------
Please always remember, and don't ever forget, that, uh... Never mind, I forgot.
----------------------------------------------------
Henry
Men Vs. Women Jokes
A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"
"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."
"That's amazing," said the woman, "how old are you?"
"Twenty-six," he said.
----------------------------------------------------
Baby Jokes
A married couple rushed to the hospital because the woman was in labor the doctor asked the couple, "I have invented a new machine that you might want to try, it takes some of the labor pains away from the mother and gives it to the father." So the married couple decided that they would try this. So the doctor hooked the machine up and put it on 10% of pain switched from the mother to the father and the husband said "I feel okay turn it up a lot more" so the doctor turned it up to 50% and the husband said "why don't you just put it all on me cause I'm not feeling a thing" but the doctor warned them "this much could kill you if you're not prepared", and the husband replied "I am ready "so the doctor turned the machine up to 100% but the husband didn't fell a thing so they went home happy with a pain free labor, but when they got home the mailman was dead on the front porch!
----------------------------------------------------
Teachers Jokes
The professor had just related to his history class the event where an ancient runner had covered the 29 miles from the plains of Marathon to Troy to finally cry "Victory - Victory" and then fall dead from the run. Asking for comments, the class sat quietly until one student, a cross-country team member from the back of the room quietly asked - "did anybody get his time?"
----------------------------------------------------
Eschew obfuscation!
----------------------------------------------------
Please always remember, and don't ever forget, that, uh... Never mind, I forgot.
----------------------------------------------------
Henry
-
Henry J
- Tv Watcher
- Posts:17968
- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
- Location:Colorado
----------------------------------------------------
Doctors Jokes
Somehow we always think we are aging at a slower rate than everyone else, this was true of this older woman who is seeing a doctor for the first time.
She was taken into a room and told to "make herself comfortable." While reading the doctor's diploma on the wall, she realizes that she went to high school with him many years ago.
The doctor enters the room; he is very gray, and slightly bent over from old age, and says "hello, how can I help you?"
The woman asks; "Did you attend Roosevelt High School?"
"Yes I did", the doctor answered.
She asks: "Class of 49?" "Yes I was", was the answered.
The woman was delighted, and said: "You were in my class!"
The doctor responded: "What did you teach?"
----------------------------------------------------
Female Jokes
Two women are talking about marriage. One woman says: "I wonder if my husband will love me when my hair is gray."
"Why not? He's loved you through three shades already." Replied her friend.
----------------------------------------------------
From a travel forum:
coming home from a weeks vacation with the whole family, our flight got in at about midnight. I left the wife and kids at baggage claim, while I went to retrieve the car in long term. Got off the shuttle were I THOUGHT I parked the Bronco. Starting walking. And walking. Didn't see it anywhere. Beginning to think someone stole it. After about 45 mins, and after walking for what seemed like miles, a security guard came by and asked if there was a problem, I explained my dilemma, so he told me to get in the truck and we drove up and down the rows searching. After about 30 mins of this, he gets a call on his radio. There was a women in baggage claim worried about her husband who had gone to long term parking and never returned, and had he seen anyone. He radioed back that yes, I was with him and they where having trouble finding my "Bronco".
There was a long pause, and then he came back on with... "you might wanna look for a Subaru..." DUH!!!!!!!
----------------------------------------------------
Henry
Doctors Jokes
Somehow we always think we are aging at a slower rate than everyone else, this was true of this older woman who is seeing a doctor for the first time.
She was taken into a room and told to "make herself comfortable." While reading the doctor's diploma on the wall, she realizes that she went to high school with him many years ago.
The doctor enters the room; he is very gray, and slightly bent over from old age, and says "hello, how can I help you?"
The woman asks; "Did you attend Roosevelt High School?"
"Yes I did", the doctor answered.
She asks: "Class of 49?" "Yes I was", was the answered.
The woman was delighted, and said: "You were in my class!"
The doctor responded: "What did you teach?"
----------------------------------------------------
Female Jokes
Two women are talking about marriage. One woman says: "I wonder if my husband will love me when my hair is gray."
"Why not? He's loved you through three shades already." Replied her friend.
----------------------------------------------------
From a travel forum:
coming home from a weeks vacation with the whole family, our flight got in at about midnight. I left the wife and kids at baggage claim, while I went to retrieve the car in long term. Got off the shuttle were I THOUGHT I parked the Bronco. Starting walking. And walking. Didn't see it anywhere. Beginning to think someone stole it. After about 45 mins, and after walking for what seemed like miles, a security guard came by and asked if there was a problem, I explained my dilemma, so he told me to get in the truck and we drove up and down the rows searching. After about 30 mins of this, he gets a call on his radio. There was a women in baggage claim worried about her husband who had gone to long term parking and never returned, and had he seen anyone. He radioed back that yes, I was with him and they where having trouble finding my "Bronco".
There was a long pause, and then he came back on with... "you might wanna look for a Subaru..." DUH!!!!!!!
----------------------------------------------------
Henry
-
Henry J
- Tv Watcher
- Posts:17968
- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
- Location:Colorado
----------------------------------------------------
Entertainment Jokes
A man entered a barbershop and said: "I am tired of looking like everyone else! I want a change! Part my hair from ear to ear!"
"Are you sure?"
"Yes!" said the man.
The barber did as he was told, and a satisfied customer left the shop.
A few hours passed and the man reentered the shop. "Put it back the way it was," he said. "What's the matter? Asked the barber. "Are you tired of being a nonconformist already?" "No", he replied, "I am tired of people whispering in my nose!"
(Just as long as he doesn't sneeze at the wrong time...!)
----------------------------------------------------
Animal Jokes
A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store and he does a double take. He recognizes that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars.
The storeowner replies "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale.
The collector says, "Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I'll pay you twenty dollars for that cat."
And the owner says "Sold," and hands over the cat.
The collector continues, "Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat's used to it and it'll save me from having to get a dish."
And the owner says, "Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky saucer. So far this week I've sold sixty-eight cats."
(Me-OW!)
----------------------------------------------------
Animal Jokes
Q: What do you call a story told by a giraffe?
A: A tall tale!
----------------------------------------------------
Doctors Jokes
After many sessions the psychiatrist says to his patient: Congratulations, Sir, you are cured. The patient says: Some cure. Before I was Alexander the Great. Now I'm nobody.
----------------------------------------------------
Henry
Entertainment Jokes
A man entered a barbershop and said: "I am tired of looking like everyone else! I want a change! Part my hair from ear to ear!"
"Are you sure?"
"Yes!" said the man.
The barber did as he was told, and a satisfied customer left the shop.
A few hours passed and the man reentered the shop. "Put it back the way it was," he said. "What's the matter? Asked the barber. "Are you tired of being a nonconformist already?" "No", he replied, "I am tired of people whispering in my nose!"
(Just as long as he doesn't sneeze at the wrong time...!)
----------------------------------------------------
Animal Jokes
A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store and he does a double take. He recognizes that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars.
The storeowner replies "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale.
The collector says, "Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I'll pay you twenty dollars for that cat."
And the owner says "Sold," and hands over the cat.
The collector continues, "Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat's used to it and it'll save me from having to get a dish."
And the owner says, "Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky saucer. So far this week I've sold sixty-eight cats."
(Me-OW!)
----------------------------------------------------
Animal Jokes
Q: What do you call a story told by a giraffe?
A: A tall tale!
----------------------------------------------------
Doctors Jokes
After many sessions the psychiatrist says to his patient: Congratulations, Sir, you are cured. The patient says: Some cure. Before I was Alexander the Great. Now I'm nobody.
----------------------------------------------------
Henry
-
Henry J
- Tv Watcher
- Posts:17968
- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
- Location:Colorado
----------------------------------------------------
Marriage Jokes
Husband: Why can't you make bread like my mother?
Wife: I would if you could make dough like your father!
----------------------------------------------------
In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
On a Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
----------------------------------------------------
Business Jokes
Job Interview Question
You are driving along in your car on a wild, stormy night. You pass by a bus stop, and you see three people waiting for the bus:
1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect man (or) woman you have been dreaming about.
Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car.
Think before you continue reading. This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application.
You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first; or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect dream lover again.
The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer.
He simply answered: "I would give the car keys to my old friend, and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the woman of my dreams."
Never forget to "Think Outside of the Box."
----------------------------------------------------
Henry
Marriage Jokes
Husband: Why can't you make bread like my mother?
Wife: I would if you could make dough like your father!
----------------------------------------------------
In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
On a Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
----------------------------------------------------
Business Jokes
Job Interview Question
You are driving along in your car on a wild, stormy night. You pass by a bus stop, and you see three people waiting for the bus:
1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect man (or) woman you have been dreaming about.
Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car.
Think before you continue reading. This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application.
You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first; or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect dream lover again.
The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer.
He simply answered: "I would give the car keys to my old friend, and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the woman of my dreams."
Never forget to "Think Outside of the Box."
----------------------------------------------------
Henry
-
Henry J
- Tv Watcher
- Posts:17968
- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
- Location:Colorado
----------------------------------------------------
Marriage Jokes
Husband: Don't put that money in your mouth. There are germs on it.
Wife: Don't be silly. Even a germ can't live on the money you make.
----------------------------------------------------
Judges Jokes
The judge frowned at the tired robber and said, "then you admit breaking into the same store on three successive nights?"
"Yes, your honor."
"And why was that?"
"Because my wife wanted a dress."
The judge check with his records, "But it says here you broke in three nights in a row!"
"Yes sir. She made me exchange it two times."
----------------------------------------------------
A daddy was listening to his child say his prayer "Dear Harold," ........ At this, dad interrupted and said, "Wait a minute, "How come you called God, Harold? The little boy looked up and said, "That's what they call Him in church. You know the prayer we say, "Our Father, who art in Heaven, Harold be Thy name."
----------------------------------------------------
Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked. (Kimberley Broyles)
----------------------------------------------------
A father said to his son, "When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace."
The son replied, "When Lincoln was your age, he was President."
----------------------------------------------------
A man, his wife, and mother-in-law went on vacation to Jerusalem.
While they were there the mother-in-law passed away. The undertaker told them, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150.
The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150.
The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."
-----------------------------------------------------
Henry
Marriage Jokes
Husband: Don't put that money in your mouth. There are germs on it.
Wife: Don't be silly. Even a germ can't live on the money you make.
----------------------------------------------------
Judges Jokes
The judge frowned at the tired robber and said, "then you admit breaking into the same store on three successive nights?"
"Yes, your honor."
"And why was that?"
"Because my wife wanted a dress."
The judge check with his records, "But it says here you broke in three nights in a row!"
"Yes sir. She made me exchange it two times."
----------------------------------------------------
A daddy was listening to his child say his prayer "Dear Harold," ........ At this, dad interrupted and said, "Wait a minute, "How come you called God, Harold? The little boy looked up and said, "That's what they call Him in church. You know the prayer we say, "Our Father, who art in Heaven, Harold be Thy name."
----------------------------------------------------
Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked. (Kimberley Broyles)
----------------------------------------------------
A father said to his son, "When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace."
The son replied, "When Lincoln was your age, he was President."
----------------------------------------------------
A man, his wife, and mother-in-law went on vacation to Jerusalem.
While they were there the mother-in-law passed away. The undertaker told them, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150.
The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150.
The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."
-----------------------------------------------------
Henry
-
Henry J
- Tv Watcher
- Posts:17968
- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
- Location:Colorado
------------------------------------------
Entertainment Jokes
One guy to another; they say brunettes have a sweeter disposition than blondes and redheads. Don't believe it! My wife has been all three, and I couldn't see any difference.
------------------------------------------
Cannibals in the Workplace
A big corporation recently hired several cannibals in the interest of cultural diversity.
You are all part of our team now," said the HR rep during the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any of the other employees."
The cannibals promised they would not. Four weeks later, their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard and I'm satisfied with you. However, one of our shipping clerks has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?" The cannibals all shook their heads no.
After the boss left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "Which one of you idiots ate the shipping clerk?" A hand rose hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals continued, "You fool --- for 4 weeks we've been eating managers and no one noticed anything. But Noooooo, you had to go and eat someone who actually does something!"
------------------------------------------
The high school coaches went to a coaches' retreat. To save money they had to room together. No one wanted to room with Coach Daryl because he snored so bad. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first coach slept with Daryl and came to breakfast next morning with his hair a mess, eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you?" He said, "Daryl snored so loud, I just sat up and watched him all night."
The next night it was a different coach's turn. In the morning,same thing -- hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!" He said, "Man, that Daryl shakes the roof. I was wide awake, watching him all night."
The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football-player type of man's man. Next morning, he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed.
"Good morning." They couldn't believe it! They said,"Man, what happened?"
He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed and kissed him good night. Then He watched Me all night long."
Charles
----------------------------------------------------
Henry
Entertainment Jokes
One guy to another; they say brunettes have a sweeter disposition than blondes and redheads. Don't believe it! My wife has been all three, and I couldn't see any difference.
------------------------------------------
Cannibals in the Workplace
A big corporation recently hired several cannibals in the interest of cultural diversity.
You are all part of our team now," said the HR rep during the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any of the other employees."
The cannibals promised they would not. Four weeks later, their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard and I'm satisfied with you. However, one of our shipping clerks has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?" The cannibals all shook their heads no.
After the boss left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "Which one of you idiots ate the shipping clerk?" A hand rose hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals continued, "You fool --- for 4 weeks we've been eating managers and no one noticed anything. But Noooooo, you had to go and eat someone who actually does something!"
------------------------------------------
The high school coaches went to a coaches' retreat. To save money they had to room together. No one wanted to room with Coach Daryl because he snored so bad. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first coach slept with Daryl and came to breakfast next morning with his hair a mess, eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you?" He said, "Daryl snored so loud, I just sat up and watched him all night."
The next night it was a different coach's turn. In the morning,same thing -- hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!" He said, "Man, that Daryl shakes the roof. I was wide awake, watching him all night."
The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football-player type of man's man. Next morning, he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed.
"Good morning." They couldn't believe it! They said,"Man, what happened?"
He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed and kissed him good night. Then He watched Me all night long."
Charles
----------------------------------------------------
Henry