===================
Kids are quick ...
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: Maria.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Why are you late, Frank?
FRANK: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
FRANK: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
_________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
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TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell "crocodile?"
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L"
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
_______________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
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TEACHER: Gus, why do you always get so dirty?
GUS: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
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TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with "I."
MILLIE: I is ...
TEACHER: No, Millie ... Always say, "I am."
MILLIE: All right ... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
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TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the ax in his hand.
______________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to. My Mom is a good cook.
______________________________
TEACHER: Jim, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
JIM: No, teacher, it's the same dog.
___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher.
___________________________________
Henry
Recycling
-
Henry J
- Tv Watcher
- Posts:17968
- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
- Location:Colorado
-------------------------------
Airplane Jokes
Pilot: Control tower, what time is it?
Control tower: What airline is this?
Pilot: What difference does that make?
Control tower: Well if it is UA, it is 6:00p.m.; if it is TWA, it is 1800 hours; if it is Ozark, the big hand is on the….."
-------------------------------
Entertainment Jokes
Mr. Johnson was overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.
He said; "I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least five pounds."
When Mr. Johnson returned, he shocked the doctor by having dropped almost twenty pounds.
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor told him. "You did this just by following my instructions?"
The slimmed down Mr. Johnson nodded. "I'll tell you, though, I though I was going to drop dead that third day."
"From hunger, you mean."
"No," replied Mr. Johnson, "from skipping."
-------------------------------
Lawyer Joke
Consultation fees
A lawyer's dog, running around town unleashed, heads for a butcher shop and steals a roast. The butcher goes to the lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?" The lawyer answers, "Absolutely."
"Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today."
The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50. The butcher, having a feeling of satisfaction, leaves.
Three days later, the butcher finds a bill from the lawyer: $100 due for a consultation.
-------------------------------
Henry
Airplane Jokes
Pilot: Control tower, what time is it?
Control tower: What airline is this?
Pilot: What difference does that make?
Control tower: Well if it is UA, it is 6:00p.m.; if it is TWA, it is 1800 hours; if it is Ozark, the big hand is on the….."
-------------------------------
Entertainment Jokes
Mr. Johnson was overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.
He said; "I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least five pounds."
When Mr. Johnson returned, he shocked the doctor by having dropped almost twenty pounds.
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor told him. "You did this just by following my instructions?"
The slimmed down Mr. Johnson nodded. "I'll tell you, though, I though I was going to drop dead that third day."
"From hunger, you mean."
"No," replied Mr. Johnson, "from skipping."
-------------------------------
Lawyer Joke
Consultation fees
A lawyer's dog, running around town unleashed, heads for a butcher shop and steals a roast. The butcher goes to the lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?" The lawyer answers, "Absolutely."
"Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today."
The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50. The butcher, having a feeling of satisfaction, leaves.
Three days later, the butcher finds a bill from the lawyer: $100 due for a consultation.
-------------------------------
Henry
-
Henry J
- Tv Watcher
- Posts:17968
- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
- Location:Colorado
Why Engineers Don't Write Recipe Books
Chocolate Chip Cookies:
Ingredients:
1. 532.35 cm3 gluten
2. 4.9 cm3 NaHCO3
3. 4.9 cm3 refined halite
4. 236.6 cm3 partially hydrogenated tallow triglyceride
5. 177.45 cm3 crystalline C12H22O11
6. 177.45 cm3 unrefined C12H22O11
7. 4.9 cm3 methyl ether of protocatechuic aldehyde
8. Two calcium carbonate-encapsulated avian albumen-coated protein
9. 473.2 cm3 theobroma cacao
10. 236.6 cm3 de-encapsulated legume meats (sieve size #10)
To a 2-L jacketed round reactor vessel (reactor #1) with an overall heat transfer coefficient of about 100 Btu/F-ft2-hr, add ingredients one, two and three with constant agitation. In a second 2-L reactor vessel with a radial flow impeller operating at 100 rpm, add ingredients four, five, six, and seven until the mixture is homogenous. To reactor #2, add ingredient eight, followed by three equal volumes of the homogenous mixture in reactor #1. Additionally, add ingredient nine and ten slowly, with constant agitation. Care must be taken at this point in the reaction to control any temperature rise that may be the result of an exothermic reaction.
Using a screw extrude attached to a #4 nodulizer, place the mixture piece-meal on a 316SS sheet (300 x 600 mm). Heat in a 460K oven for a period of time that is in agreement with Frank & Johnston's first order rate expression (see JACOS, 21, 55), or until golden brown. Once the reaction is complete, place the sheet on a 25C heat-transfer table, allowing the product to come to equilibrium.
-------------------------------------------
Miscellaneous Jokes
A lady walking down the street one day saw a man walking towards her. The man was talking to himself, waving his arms around his head and jumping up and down three times. He repeated this several times. The lady asked the man what he was doing? The man replied I am keeping the pink elephants away.
The lady replied, "Why? There are no pink elephants around here."
The man replied, "I know, works great doesn't it?"
-------------------------------------------
Henry
Chocolate Chip Cookies:
Ingredients:
1. 532.35 cm3 gluten
2. 4.9 cm3 NaHCO3
3. 4.9 cm3 refined halite
4. 236.6 cm3 partially hydrogenated tallow triglyceride
5. 177.45 cm3 crystalline C12H22O11
6. 177.45 cm3 unrefined C12H22O11
7. 4.9 cm3 methyl ether of protocatechuic aldehyde
8. Two calcium carbonate-encapsulated avian albumen-coated protein
9. 473.2 cm3 theobroma cacao
10. 236.6 cm3 de-encapsulated legume meats (sieve size #10)
To a 2-L jacketed round reactor vessel (reactor #1) with an overall heat transfer coefficient of about 100 Btu/F-ft2-hr, add ingredients one, two and three with constant agitation. In a second 2-L reactor vessel with a radial flow impeller operating at 100 rpm, add ingredients four, five, six, and seven until the mixture is homogenous. To reactor #2, add ingredient eight, followed by three equal volumes of the homogenous mixture in reactor #1. Additionally, add ingredient nine and ten slowly, with constant agitation. Care must be taken at this point in the reaction to control any temperature rise that may be the result of an exothermic reaction.
Using a screw extrude attached to a #4 nodulizer, place the mixture piece-meal on a 316SS sheet (300 x 600 mm). Heat in a 460K oven for a period of time that is in agreement with Frank & Johnston's first order rate expression (see JACOS, 21, 55), or until golden brown. Once the reaction is complete, place the sheet on a 25C heat-transfer table, allowing the product to come to equilibrium.
-------------------------------------------
Miscellaneous Jokes
A lady walking down the street one day saw a man walking towards her. The man was talking to himself, waving his arms around his head and jumping up and down three times. He repeated this several times. The lady asked the man what he was doing? The man replied I am keeping the pink elephants away.
The lady replied, "Why? There are no pink elephants around here."
The man replied, "I know, works great doesn't it?"
-------------------------------------------
Henry
Well, not exactly OUT LOUD....... 
lswot-
Henry J
- Tv Watcher
- Posts:17968
- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
- Location:Colorado
------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Just remember, if you crash because of weather, your funeral will be held on a sunny day."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Advice given to RAF pilots during WWII: "When a prang (crash) seems inevitable, endeavor to strike the softest, cheapest object in the vicinity as slowly and gently as possible."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
"The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you."
- Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)
------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
"There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime."
- Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ,
------------------------------------------------------------------------
"If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Basic Flying Rules: "Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
A sign over the urinal in Base Operations men's room read
PILOTS WITH SHORT STACKS OR LOW MANIFOLD PRESSURE
TAXI UP CLOSE
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Why are the tips of the propellers painted yellow?
To keep the silver from sliding off
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
What do they use to keep the airplane clean?
Prop Wash
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives, the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks, "What happened?"
The pilot's reply: "I don't know, I just got here myself!"
- Attributed to Ray Crandell (Lockheed test pilot)
Charles
-------------------------------------------------------
Henry
"Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Just remember, if you crash because of weather, your funeral will be held on a sunny day."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Advice given to RAF pilots during WWII: "When a prang (crash) seems inevitable, endeavor to strike the softest, cheapest object in the vicinity as slowly and gently as possible."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
"The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you."
- Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)
------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
"There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime."
- Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ,
------------------------------------------------------------------------
"If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Basic Flying Rules: "Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
A sign over the urinal in Base Operations men's room read
PILOTS WITH SHORT STACKS OR LOW MANIFOLD PRESSURE
TAXI UP CLOSE
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Why are the tips of the propellers painted yellow?
To keep the silver from sliding off
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
What do they use to keep the airplane clean?
Prop Wash
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives, the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks, "What happened?"
The pilot's reply: "I don't know, I just got here myself!"
- Attributed to Ray Crandell (Lockheed test pilot)
Charles
-------------------------------------------------------
Henry
-
Henry J
- Tv Watcher
- Posts:17968
- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
- Location:Colorado
-----------------------------------------------
Elderly Jokes
An old man is afraid that his wife is loosing her hearing. So, he walks up right to her ear and asks, "Can you hear me?" She didn't answer. He walked up closer and asked again. But there was no answer. Finally he asked her one more time really loud and his wife said, "for the third time yes!!!"
(Eh?)
-----------------------------------------------
Sport Jokes
A game warden noticed his elderly neighbor was going fishing every mourning without any fishing tackle only a silver lunch box. When he returned in the evening he would always have a stringer full of fish. The game warden was curious on how he was catching his fish. He asked the elderly neighbor how he caught so many fish. The man replied he would show him if he would like to go with him the following mourning. The Game warden replied he would love to go. The following mourning they hooked up his boat and the old man had his silver lunch box with him as usual. They launched the boat and in the middle of the lake the old man stopped the boat opened his lunch box took out a stick of dynamite lit it and through into the lake. Seconds later fish came floating up the game warden was shocked and told the old man that was illegal. The old man calmly lit another stick of dynamite handed it to the game warden, then asked him well are you going to fish or just cut bait.
(The guy must think he's Crocodile Dundee or something.
)
-----------------------------------------------
One Liners Jokes
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it's two tired.
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Millionaire
A miserable-looking man was sitting in a bar one night.
"Why are you looking so sad?" asked the barman.
"My wife's made me a millionaire." said the man.
"If my wife made me a millionaire, I'd be the happiest man on earth", said the barman.
"Yes, but before I met her I was a multimillionaire."
-----------------------------------------------
Henry
Elderly Jokes
An old man is afraid that his wife is loosing her hearing. So, he walks up right to her ear and asks, "Can you hear me?" She didn't answer. He walked up closer and asked again. But there was no answer. Finally he asked her one more time really loud and his wife said, "for the third time yes!!!"
(Eh?)
-----------------------------------------------
Sport Jokes
A game warden noticed his elderly neighbor was going fishing every mourning without any fishing tackle only a silver lunch box. When he returned in the evening he would always have a stringer full of fish. The game warden was curious on how he was catching his fish. He asked the elderly neighbor how he caught so many fish. The man replied he would show him if he would like to go with him the following mourning. The Game warden replied he would love to go. The following mourning they hooked up his boat and the old man had his silver lunch box with him as usual. They launched the boat and in the middle of the lake the old man stopped the boat opened his lunch box took out a stick of dynamite lit it and through into the lake. Seconds later fish came floating up the game warden was shocked and told the old man that was illegal. The old man calmly lit another stick of dynamite handed it to the game warden, then asked him well are you going to fish or just cut bait.
(The guy must think he's Crocodile Dundee or something.
)-----------------------------------------------
One Liners Jokes
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it's two tired.
-----------------------------------------------
Millionaire
A miserable-looking man was sitting in a bar one night.
"Why are you looking so sad?" asked the barman.
"My wife's made me a millionaire." said the man.
"If my wife made me a millionaire, I'd be the happiest man on earth", said the barman.
"Yes, but before I met her I was a multimillionaire."
-----------------------------------------------
Henry
-
Henry J
- Tv Watcher
- Posts:17968
- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
- Location:Colorado
---------------------------------------------
The local church unveiled its new fundraising campaign slogan this week: "I Upped My Pledge. Up Yours."
---------------------------------------------
Talk Show Guest
A young man went to an interview for potential guests on a TV talk show. "What do you do?" the show's producer asked the young man.
"I imitate birds," the young man answered.
"What?" grunted the producer. "People who imitate birds are a dime a dozen. We can't use you."
"Okay," replied the disappointed young man. And he flapped his arms and flew out the window.
---------------------------------------------
Pop N. Fresh died Wednesday
Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh died Wednesday of a severe yeast infection He was 71. He was buried Friday in one of the biggest funerals in years.
Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, and the Hostess Twinkies.
The graveside was piled high with flours, as longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew he was kneaded".
Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a smart cookie, and wasted much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model to millions. Fresh is survived by his second wife. They had two children, and one in the oven....
---------------------------------------------
Doctors Jokes
A lawyer was cross-examining the doctor about whether or not he had checked the pulse of the deceased before he signed the death certificate. "No," the doctor said. "I did not check his pulse." "And did you listen for a heartbeat?" asked the lawyer. "No I did not," the doctor said. "So," said the lawyer, "when you signed the death certificate, you had not taken steps to make sure he was dead." The doctor said, "Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was in a jar on my desk but, for all I know, he could be out practicing law somewhere."
---------------------------------------------
Henry
The local church unveiled its new fundraising campaign slogan this week: "I Upped My Pledge. Up Yours."
---------------------------------------------
Talk Show Guest
A young man went to an interview for potential guests on a TV talk show. "What do you do?" the show's producer asked the young man.
"I imitate birds," the young man answered.
"What?" grunted the producer. "People who imitate birds are a dime a dozen. We can't use you."
"Okay," replied the disappointed young man. And he flapped his arms and flew out the window.
---------------------------------------------
Pop N. Fresh died Wednesday
Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh died Wednesday of a severe yeast infection He was 71. He was buried Friday in one of the biggest funerals in years.
Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, and the Hostess Twinkies.
The graveside was piled high with flours, as longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew he was kneaded".
Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a smart cookie, and wasted much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model to millions. Fresh is survived by his second wife. They had two children, and one in the oven....
---------------------------------------------
Doctors Jokes
A lawyer was cross-examining the doctor about whether or not he had checked the pulse of the deceased before he signed the death certificate. "No," the doctor said. "I did not check his pulse." "And did you listen for a heartbeat?" asked the lawyer. "No I did not," the doctor said. "So," said the lawyer, "when you signed the death certificate, you had not taken steps to make sure he was dead." The doctor said, "Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was in a jar on my desk but, for all I know, he could be out practicing law somewhere."
---------------------------------------------
Henry
-
brian
- Site Admin
- Posts:8328
- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 8:07 am
- Location:Orlando, Florida
- Contact:
An alert for women everywhere:
This is a heads up to those friends who haven't experienced it yet, and an explanation to those friends and family who have. Most of you have read the scare-mail about the person whose kidneys were stolen while he was passed out. Well, read on. While the kidney story was an urban legend, this one is not. It's happening every day.
My thighs were stolen from me during the night a few years ago. It was just that quick. I went to sleep in my body and woke up with someone else's thighs. The new ones had the texture of cooked oatmeal. Who would have done such a cruel thing to legs that had been mine for years? Whose thighs were these and what happened to mine? I spent the entire summer looking for my thighs. Finally, hurt and angry, I resigned myself to living out my life in jeans and Sheer Energy pantyhose.
Then, just when my guard was down, the thieves struck again. My butt was next. I know it was the same gang, because they took pains to match my new rear end (although badly attached at least three inches lower than my original) to the thighs they stuck me with earlier. Now, my rear end complimented my legs, lump for lump. Frantic, I prayed that long skirts would stay in fashion.
It was two years ago when I realized my arms had been switched. One morning I was fixing my hair and I watched horrified but fascinated as the flesh of my upper arms swung to and fro with the motion of the hairbrush. This was really getting scary. My body was being replaced one section at a time. How clever and fiendish.
Age? Age had nothing to do with it. Age is supposed to creep up, unnoticed, something like maturity. NO, I was being attacked repeatedly and without warning. In despair I gave up my T-shirts. What could they do to me next?
My poor neck disappeared more quickly than the Thanksgiving turkey it now resembled. That's why I decided to tell my story. I can't take on the medical profession by myself.
Women of the world, wake up and smell the coffee. That really isn't plastic that those surgeons are using. You KNOW where they are getting those replacement part, don't you? The next time you suspect someone has had a face "lifted", look again. Was it lifted from you? I think I finally found my thighs...and I hope Cindy Crawford paid a really good price for them!
This is not a hoax. This is happening to women in every town every night. WARN YOUR FRIENDS.
P.S. I must say that last year I thought someone had stolen my breasts. I was lying in bed and they were gone! As I jumped out of bed I was relieved to see that they had just been hiding in my armpits as I slept. Now I keep them hidden in my waistband.
"The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams."-- Eleanor Roosevelt
-
Henry J
- Tv Watcher
- Posts:17968
- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
- Location:Colorado
Doctors Jokes
Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom and stayed there. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.
When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital as he now considered her to be mentally stable. When he went to tell Mary the news he said, "Mary, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Mary replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."
--------------------
Definitions:
Committee - Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.
Classic - A book which people praise, but do not read.
Marriage - It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and woman gains her master degree.
Worry - Interest paid on trouble before it falls due.
Experience - The name men give to their mistakes.
Philosopher - A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.
Smile - A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
Rumor - News that travels faster than the speed of sound.
Dictionary - The only place where divorce comes before marriage.
College - A place where some pursue learning and others learn pursuing.
Ecstasy - A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you have never felt before.
Office - A place where you can relax after your strenuous homelife.
Yawn - The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.
--------------------
Henry
Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom and stayed there. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.
When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital as he now considered her to be mentally stable. When he went to tell Mary the news he said, "Mary, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Mary replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."
--------------------
Definitions:
Committee - Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.
Classic - A book which people praise, but do not read.
Marriage - It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and woman gains her master degree.
Worry - Interest paid on trouble before it falls due.
Experience - The name men give to their mistakes.
Philosopher - A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.
Smile - A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
Rumor - News that travels faster than the speed of sound.
Dictionary - The only place where divorce comes before marriage.
College - A place where some pursue learning and others learn pursuing.
Ecstasy - A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you have never felt before.
Office - A place where you can relax after your strenuous homelife.
Yawn - The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.
--------------------
Henry
-
Henry J
- Tv Watcher
- Posts:17968
- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
- Location:Colorado
Lawyer Jokes
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer — you're in
the wrong place." So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is becoming a pretty popular guy. One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and asks with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"
Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and there's no
telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake — he should never have gotten down there; send him up here." Satan says, "No way! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
Charles
(Also, who's gonna preside over the trial? )
----------------------------------------
Animal Jokes
A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... They must be Gods!
A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... I must be a God!
Charles
----------------------------------------
Secret Plot
A man who thinks he's George Washington has been seeing a psychiatrist.
He finishes up one session by telling him, "Tomorrow, we'll cross the Delaware and surprise them when they least expect it."
As soon as he's gone, the psychiatrist picks up the phone and says, "King George, this is Benedict Arnold. I have the plans."
----------------------------------------
Henry
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer — you're in
the wrong place." So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is becoming a pretty popular guy. One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and asks with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"
Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and there's no
telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake — he should never have gotten down there; send him up here." Satan says, "No way! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
Charles
(Also, who's gonna preside over the trial?
)----------------------------------------
Animal Jokes
A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... They must be Gods!
A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... I must be a God!
Charles
----------------------------------------
Secret Plot
A man who thinks he's George Washington has been seeing a psychiatrist.
He finishes up one session by telling him, "Tomorrow, we'll cross the Delaware and surprise them when they least expect it."
As soon as he's gone, the psychiatrist picks up the phone and says, "King George, this is Benedict Arnold. I have the plans."
----------------------------------------
Henry
-
Henry J
- Tv Watcher
- Posts:17968
- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
- Location:Colorado
Teachers Jokes
Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son. "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!"
"But why, Mom? I don't want to go."
"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go."
"Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!"
"Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready."
"Give me two reasons why I should go to school."
"Well, for one, you're 52 years old. And for another, you're the Principal!"
------------------------------
Kid Jokes
Q: Why did the turtle cross the street?
A: To get to the shell station
------------------------------
Doctors Jokes
A pregnant woman gets into a car accident and falls into a deep coma.
Asleep for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them."
The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not my brother -- he's an idiot!" Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"
"Denise," the doctor says.
The new mother thinks, "Wow, that's not a bad name! Guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise!" Then she asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?"
The doctor replies, "DeNephew".
------------------------------
Question / Answer Jokes
Q: What did King Tut say when he was scared?
A: I want my mummy!!!
------------------------------
Henry
Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son. "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!"
"But why, Mom? I don't want to go."
"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go."
"Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!"
"Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready."
"Give me two reasons why I should go to school."
"Well, for one, you're 52 years old. And for another, you're the Principal!"
------------------------------
Kid Jokes
Q: Why did the turtle cross the street?
A: To get to the shell station
------------------------------
Doctors Jokes
A pregnant woman gets into a car accident and falls into a deep coma.
Asleep for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them."
The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not my brother -- he's an idiot!" Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"
"Denise," the doctor says.
The new mother thinks, "Wow, that's not a bad name! Guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise!" Then she asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?"
The doctor replies, "DeNephew".
------------------------------
Question / Answer Jokes
Q: What did King Tut say when he was scared?
A: I want my mummy!!!
------------------------------
Henry
-
Henry J
- Tv Watcher
- Posts:17968
- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
- Location:Colorado
------------------------------------
Baby Jokes
We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk, and the next Twenty-four years telling them to sit down and shut up!
------------------------------------
Work Jokes
A young man at this construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone based on his strength. He especially made fun of one of the older workman. After several minutes, the older worker had enough.
"Why don't you put your money where you mouth is?" he said. "I'll bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to the other building that you won't be able to wheel back."
"You're on, old man," the young man replied. "Let's see what you've got."
The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then nodding to the young man, he said with a smile, "All right. Get in."
------------------------------------
Family Jokes
A couple, desperate to conceive a child, went to their priest and asked him to pray for them. "I'm going on a sabbatical to Rome," he replied, "and while I'm there, I'll light a candle for you."
When the priest returned three years later, he went to the couple's house and found the wife pregnant, busily attending to two sets of twins. Elated, the priest asked her where her husband was so that he could congratulate him.
"He's gone to Rome, to blow that candle out" came the harried reply.
------------------------------------
Family Jokes
One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house. His three children were outside, still in their P.J.'s, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers thrown all about the front yard. The door to his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess.
A lamp had been knocked over, and a throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, Breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand lay piled up by the back door.
He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and other piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried that she might be ill, or worse!!
He found her lounging into the bedroom, still in her pajamas, reading a novel.
She smiled, looked up at him and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"
She again smiled and answered, "you know everyday when you come home from work and ask me what in the world did I do today?"
"Yes", he replied reluctantly.
She answered, "We'll, today I didn't do it!!"
------------------------------------
Henry
Baby Jokes
We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk, and the next Twenty-four years telling them to sit down and shut up!
------------------------------------
Work Jokes
A young man at this construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone based on his strength. He especially made fun of one of the older workman. After several minutes, the older worker had enough.
"Why don't you put your money where you mouth is?" he said. "I'll bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to the other building that you won't be able to wheel back."
"You're on, old man," the young man replied. "Let's see what you've got."
The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then nodding to the young man, he said with a smile, "All right. Get in."
------------------------------------
Family Jokes
A couple, desperate to conceive a child, went to their priest and asked him to pray for them. "I'm going on a sabbatical to Rome," he replied, "and while I'm there, I'll light a candle for you."
When the priest returned three years later, he went to the couple's house and found the wife pregnant, busily attending to two sets of twins. Elated, the priest asked her where her husband was so that he could congratulate him.
"He's gone to Rome, to blow that candle out" came the harried reply.
------------------------------------
Family Jokes
One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house. His three children were outside, still in their P.J.'s, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers thrown all about the front yard. The door to his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess.
A lamp had been knocked over, and a throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, Breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand lay piled up by the back door.
He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and other piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried that she might be ill, or worse!!
He found her lounging into the bedroom, still in her pajamas, reading a novel.
She smiled, looked up at him and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"
She again smiled and answered, "you know everyday when you come home from work and ask me what in the world did I do today?"
"Yes", he replied reluctantly.
She answered, "We'll, today I didn't do it!!"
------------------------------------
Henry
-
Henry J
- Tv Watcher
- Posts:17968
- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
- Location:Colorado
------------------------------------
: Bar & Drinking Jokes
Three leaders of the big beer companies meet for a drink.
The president of Budweiser orders a Bud.
Miller's president orders a Millers and the president of Coors orders a Coors.
When it is Guinness turn to order he orders a soda.
Why didn't you order a Guinness everyone asks?
Nah Guinness replies. If you guys aren't having a beer neither will I.
------------------------------------
Child Birth
Should children witness child birth? This is one of the funniest!
Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-year-old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her Mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a little while Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.
The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-year old what she thought about what she had just witnessed. Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place......... smack his butt again."
------------------------------------
Media
Things learned from TV:
All crimes are solved in 1 hour.
The Good guy always wins.
When you're trapped, you always find a way out.
A trip from Los Angeles to China takes 5 seconds.
All women still have makeup on when they wake up in the morning.
When you're a hero, you will never get burnt in a fire.
------------------------------------
Henry
: Bar & Drinking Jokes
Three leaders of the big beer companies meet for a drink.
The president of Budweiser orders a Bud.
Miller's president orders a Millers and the president of Coors orders a Coors.
When it is Guinness turn to order he orders a soda.
Why didn't you order a Guinness everyone asks?
Nah Guinness replies. If you guys aren't having a beer neither will I.
------------------------------------
Child Birth
Should children witness child birth? This is one of the funniest!
Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-year-old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her Mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a little while Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.
The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-year old what she thought about what she had just witnessed. Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place......... smack his butt again."
------------------------------------
Media
Things learned from TV:
All crimes are solved in 1 hour.
The Good guy always wins.
When you're trapped, you always find a way out.
A trip from Los Angeles to China takes 5 seconds.
All women still have makeup on when they wake up in the morning.
When you're a hero, you will never get burnt in a fire.
------------------------------------
Henry
-
Henry J
- Tv Watcher
- Posts:17968
- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
- Location:Colorado
--------------------------------------------
Humor/Satire/Curiosity
Contributed By: MEADQUEST
Walking through San Francisco's Chinatown, a tourist from the Midwest was fascinated with all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners. He turned a corner and saw a building with the sign "Moishe Plotnik's Chinese Laundry".
"Moishe Plotnik?" he wondered. "How the hell does that name fit in Chinatown?"
So he walked into the shop and saw a fairly standard looking Chinese laundry. The fellow could see that the proprietors were clearly aware of the uniqueness of the name as there were baseball hats, T-shirt,s and coffee mugs emblazoned with the logo "Moishe Plotnik's Chinese Laundry."
There was also a fair selection of Chinatown souvenirs, indicating that the name alone had brought many tourists into the shop. The tourist selected a coffee cup as a conversation piece to take back to his office.
Behind the counter was a smiling old Chinese gentleman, who bowed graciously and thanked him for his purchase.
The tourist asked, "Can you tell me how this place got a name like 'Moishe Plotnik's Chinese Laundry?' "
The old man answered, "Ahh... evelybody ask me that. It name of oh-nah."
Looking around, the tourist asked, "Is he here now?"
"He light heah," replied the smiling old man. "He is me."
"Really? But you're Chinese. How did you ever get a name like Moishe Plotnik?"
"It velly simple," said the old man. "Many, many year ago, when I coming to Amelika, I standing in line at Immiglashun Centah. Man in flont of me was Jewish man from Porand. Lady at countah look at him and say, 'What your name?' He say, 'Moishe Plotnik.' Then she look at me and say, 'What your name?' I say, 'Sam Ting......' !"
--------------------------------------------
Miscellaneous Jokes
Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died.
He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney. "Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"
"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are you calling from?"
--------------------------------------------
Henry
Humor/Satire/Curiosity
Contributed By: MEADQUEST
Walking through San Francisco's Chinatown, a tourist from the Midwest was fascinated with all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners. He turned a corner and saw a building with the sign "Moishe Plotnik's Chinese Laundry".
"Moishe Plotnik?" he wondered. "How the hell does that name fit in Chinatown?"
So he walked into the shop and saw a fairly standard looking Chinese laundry. The fellow could see that the proprietors were clearly aware of the uniqueness of the name as there were baseball hats, T-shirt,s and coffee mugs emblazoned with the logo "Moishe Plotnik's Chinese Laundry."
There was also a fair selection of Chinatown souvenirs, indicating that the name alone had brought many tourists into the shop. The tourist selected a coffee cup as a conversation piece to take back to his office.
Behind the counter was a smiling old Chinese gentleman, who bowed graciously and thanked him for his purchase.
The tourist asked, "Can you tell me how this place got a name like 'Moishe Plotnik's Chinese Laundry?' "
The old man answered, "Ahh... evelybody ask me that. It name of oh-nah."
Looking around, the tourist asked, "Is he here now?"
"He light heah," replied the smiling old man. "He is me."
"Really? But you're Chinese. How did you ever get a name like Moishe Plotnik?"
"It velly simple," said the old man. "Many, many year ago, when I coming to Amelika, I standing in line at Immiglashun Centah. Man in flont of me was Jewish man from Porand. Lady at countah look at him and say, 'What your name?' He say, 'Moishe Plotnik.' Then she look at me and say, 'What your name?' I say, 'Sam Ting......' !"
--------------------------------------------
Miscellaneous Jokes
Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died.
He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney. "Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"
"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are you calling from?"
--------------------------------------------
Henry