Ya were s'posed ta say "What's a gnu?".
Henry
Jokes
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trucker2000
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Xjmt
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Kids Point of view
This was emailed to me.
A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead.
"How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil.
"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently.
You did WHAT ? ! ?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
"You know,"explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it
didn't move."
A small boy is sent to bed by his father.
Five minutes later...."Da-ad...."
"What?"
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?"
"No, You had your chance. Lights out."
Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....."
"WHAT?"
"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"
I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"
Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad....."
"WHAT!"
"When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"
An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief,
finally asked him "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"
The boy thought it over and said,
"Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door
until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'"
One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice:
"The big sissy."
It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's
sermon. All the children were invited to come forward.
One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and,
as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said,
"That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?"
The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone,
"Yes, and my Mom says it's a (censored) to iron."
A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself,
"Two plus five, that son of a (censored) is seven.
Three plus six, that son of a (censored) is nine..."
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"
The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom."
And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.
"Yes," he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you
teaching my son in math?"
The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."
The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that
son of a (censored) is four?"
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them
was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."
A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter."
Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown."
The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said,
"Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?"
The replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."
A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the
boys?"
Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too
rough."
The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked,
"If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"
A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.
She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut,
eating a snack cake
The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your
Twinkie."
She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too."
This was emailed to me.
A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead.
"How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil.
"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently.
You did WHAT ? ! ?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
"You know,"explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it
didn't move."
A small boy is sent to bed by his father.
Five minutes later...."Da-ad...."
"What?"
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?"
"No, You had your chance. Lights out."
Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....."
"WHAT?"
"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"
I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"
Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad....."
"WHAT!"
"When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"
An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief,
finally asked him "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"
The boy thought it over and said,
"Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door
until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'"
One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice:
"The big sissy."
It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's
sermon. All the children were invited to come forward.
One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and,
as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said,
"That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?"
The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone,
"Yes, and my Mom says it's a (censored) to iron."
A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself,
"Two plus five, that son of a (censored) is seven.
Three plus six, that son of a (censored) is nine..."
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"
The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom."
And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.
"Yes," he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you
teaching my son in math?"
The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."
The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that
son of a (censored) is four?"
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them
was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."
A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter."
Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown."
The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said,
"Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?"
The replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."
A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the
boys?"
Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too
rough."
The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked,
"If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"
A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.
She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut,
eating a snack cake
The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your
Twinkie."
She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too."
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brian
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- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 8:07 am
- Location:Orlando, Florida
- Contact:
After much careful research it has been discovered that the artist Vincent Van Gogh had many relatives. Among them were:
His obnoxious brother, Please Gogh
His dizzy aunt,Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes, Gotta Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store, Stop'n Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia, U. Gogh
The brother who bleached his clothes white, Hue Gogh
The cousin from Illinois, Chica Gogh
His magician uncle, Wherediddy Gogh
His Mexican cousin, Amee Gogh
The Mexican cousin's American half-brother, Grin Gogh
The nephew who drove a stagecoach, Wellsfar Gogh
The constipated uncle, Cant Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt, Tan Gogh
The bird lover uncle, Flamin Gogh
His nephew, psychoanalyst E. Gogh
The fruit loving cousin, Man Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking, Wayto Gogh
The little bouncy nephew, Poe Gogh
A sister who loved disco, Go Gogh
His Italian uncle, Day Gogh
And his niece who travels the country in a van, Winnie Bay Gogh.
His obnoxious brother, Please Gogh
His dizzy aunt,Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes, Gotta Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store, Stop'n Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia, U. Gogh
The brother who bleached his clothes white, Hue Gogh
The cousin from Illinois, Chica Gogh
His magician uncle, Wherediddy Gogh
His Mexican cousin, Amee Gogh
The Mexican cousin's American half-brother, Grin Gogh
The nephew who drove a stagecoach, Wellsfar Gogh
The constipated uncle, Cant Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt, Tan Gogh
The bird lover uncle, Flamin Gogh
His nephew, psychoanalyst E. Gogh
The fruit loving cousin, Man Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking, Wayto Gogh
The little bouncy nephew, Poe Gogh
A sister who loved disco, Go Gogh
His Italian uncle, Day Gogh
And his niece who travels the country in a van, Winnie Bay Gogh.
"The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams."-- Eleanor Roosevelt
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trucker2000
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Those are great.
lswot-
Henry J
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- Location:Colorado
To be or not to be, said Shakespeare.
To do is to be, said Nietzsche.
To be is to do, said Sartre.
Do be do be do, said Sinatra.
Yaba daba doo, said Flintstone.
Scooby Doo where are you, said Shaggy.
Henry
To do is to be, said Nietzsche.
To be is to do, said Sartre.
Do be do be do, said Sinatra.
Yaba daba doo, said Flintstone.
Scooby Doo where are you, said Shaggy.
Henry
Last edited by Henry J on Thu Jun 29, 2006 6:49 am, edited 1 time in total.
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brian
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Heck no.......I need to be by water...... -
lswot
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trucker2000
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- Location:California, USA
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A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that! The teenager tells her "Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rose buds show!" And out she goes.
The next day the teenager comes down stairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die. She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate...
The grandmother says, "Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your rosebuds, then I can display my hanging
baskets."
The next day the teenager comes down stairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die. She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate...
The grandmother says, "Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your rosebuds, then I can display my hanging
baskets."
You can teach an old dog new tricks. 
Sometimes.
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Sometimes.
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