Recycling

[Henry J]

Apparently, independent studies have discovered that the internet is an addictive agent which, they say, is just as powerful as drugs or alcohol. However, researchers go on to say that the internet is actually much more dangerous than these addictive substances since it is a terminal addiction.

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: Family Jokes

A couple, desperate to conceive a child, went to their priest and asked him to pray for them. "I'm going on a sabbatical to Rome," he replied, "and while I'm there, I'll light a candle for you."
When the priest returned three years later, he went to the couple's house and found the wife pregnant, busily attending to two sets of twins. Elated, the priest asked her where her husband was so that he could congratulate him.
"He's gone to Rome, to blow that candle out" came the harried reply.

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Okay here is one with the, Question WHAT WOULD YOU DO ?

Subject: Flying

A man was flying from Seattle to San Francisco.

Unexpectedly, the plane stopped in Sacramento along the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft, the plane would re-board in 50 minutes.

Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind.

The man had noticed him as he walked by and could tell the gentleman was blind because his seeing eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him throughout the entire flight.

He could also tell he had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached him, and calling him by name, said, "Keith, we're in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?"

The blind man replied, "No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch his legs."

Picture this:

All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a Seeing Eye dog!

The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!

True story... Have a great day and remember... things aren't always as they appear.

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Henry

[Xjmt]

Talk about true... where I used to live there was a Terminal Diner in which they had a cigarette machine supplied by Terminal Services.

No, I never ate there much less purchased cigarettes from that machine. Even 'tho they were probably only about $.25 per package in those days.

[Henry J]

: Bar & Drinking Jokes

"Waiter! Waiter!" said a guy in a restaurant. 5-55 minutes later. "Waiter! Waiter!" said the guy. In the kitchen, "Someone is calling you, sir," said the cook to the waiter. "I know. I'm waiting," said the waiter.

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Leena was tired of her husband coming home drunk, and decided to scare him straight. One night, she put on a devil costume and hid behind a tree to intercept him on the way home. When her husband walked by, she jumped out and stood before him with her red horns, long tail and pitchfork.

"Who are you?" he slurred.

"I'm the devil," she answered.

"Well, come on home with me," he said. "I married your sister."

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Kid Jokes

A boy was teaching a girl arithmetic, he said it was his mission. He kissed her once; he kissed her twice and said, "Now that's addition." In silent satisfaction, she sweetly gave the kisses back and said, "Now that's subtraction." Then he kissed her, she kissed him, without an explanation. And both together smiled and said, "That's multiplication." Then her Dad appeared upon the scene and made a quick decision. He kicked that boy three blocks away and said, "That's long division!"

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Six year old Mary and her four year old brother Joey were sitting together in church. Joey giggled, sang, and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough.

"You're not supposed to talk out loud in church," she hissed at Joey.

"Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joey shot back.

Mary pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door?" Joey nodded.

"They're hushers."

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"Time, we know, is relative. You can travel light years through the stars and back, and if you do it at the speed of light then, when you return, you may have aged mere seconds while your twin brother or sister will have aged twenty, thirty, forty or however many years it is, depending on how far you traveled. This will come to you as a profound shock, particularly if you didn't know you had a twin brother or sister."

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Henry

[Xjmt]

"Hushers", needed at the theater also. I have no patience waiting for them to retire to their own special hell. Them and pedophiles.

[Henry J]

THEORY OF THE UNIVERSE

Carl Zwanzig
"Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together..."

Douglas Adams
"There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened."

Albert Einstein
"Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former."

Rich Cook
"Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot- proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning."

Edward P. Tryon
"In answer to the question of why it happened, I offer the modest proposal that our Universe is simply one of those things which happen from time to time."

Max Frisch
"Technology is a way of organizing the universe so that man doesn't have to experience it."

Woody Allen
"I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown."

Fred Hoyle
"There is a coherent plan in the universe, though I don't know what it's a plan for."

Christopher Morley
"My theology, briefly, is that the universe was dictated but not signed."

Edward Chilton
"I'm worried that the universe will soon need replacing. It's not holding a charge."

Calvin and Hobbes (Bill Watterson)
"The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us."

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A Wee Bit of Scottish Humor

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't woke him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

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Henry

[Xjmt]

I think the universe is just special effects from Lucas' studios. There's really nothing there folks. It's just a very large white bed sheet reflecting digital projections.

[Henry J]

A father and son went fishing one day. While they were out in the boat, the boy suddenly became curious about the world around him. He asked his father, "How does this boat float?

The father replied, "Don't right know son."

A little later, the boy looked at his father and asked, "How do fish breathe underwater?"

Once again the father replied, "Don't right know son."

A little later the boy asked his father, "Why is the sky blue?"

Again, the father replied. "Don't right know son."

Finally, the boy asked his father, "Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions?"

The father replied, "Of course not. You don't ask questions, you never learn nothing."

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: Genie Jokes

One day a genie appeared to a California man and offered to grant him one wish.
the man said:" I wish you'd build a bridge from here to Hawaii so I could drive there anytime"
The genie frowned" I don't know. It sounds like quite an undertaking," he said. "Just think of the logistics. The supports required reaching the bottom of the ocean, the concrete, and the steel! Why don't you pick something else?"
The man thought for a while and then said, "Okay, I wish for a complete understanding of women- what they are thinking, why they cry. I wish I knew how to make a woman truly happy".
The genie was silent for a minute, then said

"So how many lanes did you want on that bridge?"

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: One Liners Jokes

Q: What sits on the bottom of the ocean and twitches?

A: A nervous wreck!

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Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday School teacher said, "Bobby, when I was a child, I was told that if I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that."

Bobby looked up and replied, "Well, Ms. Smith, you can't say you weren't warned.

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Henry

[Henry J]

Re "I think the universe is just special effects from Lucas' studios. There's really nothing there folks. It's just a very large white bed sheet reflecting digital projections."

Ah, like one of them there hollow grams, like Doctor what's-his-name in Voyager's sickbay?

[Xjmt]

.....and any number os SciFi stories I read in EC Comics.

[Henry J]

A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three Hell's Angels bikers walked in. The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie and then took a seat at the counter. The second walked up to the old man, spit into the old man's milk and then he took a seat at the counter. The third walked up to the old man, turned over the old man's plate, and then he took a seat at the counter.

Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner. Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, "Humph, not much of a man, was he?"

The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver either. He just backed his truck over three motorcycles."

(Yeah, that guy needs lessons awright. )

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A motorist, after being bogged down in a muddy road, paid a passing farmer five dollars to pull him out with his tractor. After he was back on dry ground, he said to the farmer, "At those prices, I should think you would be pulling people out of the mud night and day."

"Can't," replied the farmer. "At night I haul water for the hole".

(Why do I sense an ulterior motive?)

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Q: What do you call a skeleton who refuses to help around the house?
A: Lazybones

(No bones about it!)

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Police Jokes

The police officer: "You were exceeding the speed limit, ma'am, weren't you?"
The driver: "Yes, I was, sir, but you see my brakes are so bad that I wanted to get home before I had an accident."

(Good plan!)

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Hopelessly lost, the man pulled his car into an abandoned gas station in the desert and got out. The only creature there was an owl sitting on a cactus. "Owl, are you able to tell me the quickest way to town?"
"Are you walking or driving?" asked the wise owl.
"I'm driving."
"Well, that's the quickest way."

(Yeah, but did the owl give a hoot?)

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Henry

[Henry J]

Men Vs. Women Jokes

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.

The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"

The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"

The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's first husband."

(Oooookay...)

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Genie Jokes

There were 3 friends stranded in an island. Exploring the island, the 3 men found a bottle so they opened it. A genie came out, and she said that she would grant them 3 wishes. The first man said, "I wish I as with my family" then poof he was with his family. The second guy said "I wish I was in a bar with my friends" then poof he was gone. The third guy was feeling bad and the genie asked, "What's wrong?" The man said, I'm lonely I wish my friends were here. Poof, his two friends were back in the island.

(Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale...)

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Overheard in a garage:

First Woman: "I expect they'll be raising gas prices again."
Second Woman: "Won't affect me. I always put in $20 worth."

(Eat beans - America needs the gas!)

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What do you call it when two egotists butt heads?
An I for an I.

What did the bartender ask Charles Dickens when he ordered a martini?
Olive or Twist?

What's a shotgun wedding?
A case of wife or death.

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Henry

[Xjmt]

(Oooookay...)

Never been married, Henry??

[Henry J]

Fast as You Can

A young man goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GTO. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.
An old man on a Mo-ped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at the sleek, shiny car and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there sonny?"

The young man replies, "A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars"

"That's a lot of money," says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?"

"Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the young man proudly.

The old man asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?"

"No problem," replies the owner. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around.

Then, sitting back on his Mo-ped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right, but I'll stick with my Mo-ped!"

Just then the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the speedometer reads 160 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be. Suddenly something whips by him going much faster!

"What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?" the young man asks himself. He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the Mo-ped! Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the moped at 275 mph. He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!

Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph. Not ten seconds later, he sees the Mo-ped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do.

Suddenly, the Mo-ped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end. The young man stops and jumps out and to see, unbelievably the old man is still alive. He runs up to the mangled old man and says, "Oh My God! Is there anything I can do for you?"

The old man whispers, "Unhook...my...suspenders...from...your...side-view...mirror".

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Copied from an earlier incarnation of this BB:

My computer is in my dining area, right at the door that goes to the galley kitchen. I don't have a 'desk chair' that I keep there...so I just take one of the dining table chairs and use that.

Sometimes, if I'm just checking quick.. I won't bother with the chair and I'll just kneel down and tap the keyboard, scan quick.. and get up.

Well, I'm kneeling and typing.. and son comes downstairs and walks by saying..

"ahhhh, kneel before the computer god."

I cracked up big time!!!! and got my chair.

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Henry

[brian]

According to a news report, a certain school in Garden City, MI was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the washroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror to blot it and would leave dozens of little lip prints. Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. He called all the girls to the washroom and met them there with the maintenance man.

He explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, he asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

THE MORAL OF THIS STORY..

There are teachers, and then there are Educators.

[Henry J]