Recycling
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Henry J
- Tv Watcher
- Posts:17968
- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
- Location:Colorado
Copied from an earlier BB forum:
I don't know who wrote this, but it's sure cute!
>> >
>> > The computer swallowed grandma.
>> > Yes, honestly it's true.
>> > She pressed 'control' and 'enter'
>> > And disappeared from view.
>> >
>> > It devoured her completely,
>> > The thought just makes me squirm.
>> > She must have caught a virus
>> > Or been eaten by a worm.
>> >
>> > I've searched through the recycle bin
>> > And files of every kind;
>> > I've even used the Internet,
>> > But nothing did I find.
>> >
>> > In desperation, I asked Jeeves
>> > My searches to refine.
>> > The reply from him was negative,
>> > Not a thing was found 'online.'
>> >
>> > So, if inside your 'Inbox,'
>> > My Grandma you should see,
>> > Please 'Copy,' 'Scan' and 'Paste' her
>> > And send her back to me!
>> >
>> > -- Author Unknown
---------------------------------------------
Life after death:
"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees.
"Yes, sir," the employee replied.
"Well, then, that makes everything just fine," the boss went on. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you!"
Prayers:
The Sunday school teacher asked, "Now, Johnny, tell me, do you say prayers before eating?"
"No, Sir," he replied. "We don't have to, my Mom is a good cook!"
---------------------------------------------
Henry
I don't know who wrote this, but it's sure cute!
>> >
>> > The computer swallowed grandma.
>> > Yes, honestly it's true.
>> > She pressed 'control' and 'enter'
>> > And disappeared from view.
>> >
>> > It devoured her completely,
>> > The thought just makes me squirm.
>> > She must have caught a virus
>> > Or been eaten by a worm.
>> >
>> > I've searched through the recycle bin
>> > And files of every kind;
>> > I've even used the Internet,
>> > But nothing did I find.
>> >
>> > In desperation, I asked Jeeves
>> > My searches to refine.
>> > The reply from him was negative,
>> > Not a thing was found 'online.'
>> >
>> > So, if inside your 'Inbox,'
>> > My Grandma you should see,
>> > Please 'Copy,' 'Scan' and 'Paste' her
>> > And send her back to me!
>> >
>> > -- Author Unknown
---------------------------------------------
Life after death:
"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees.
"Yes, sir," the employee replied.
"Well, then, that makes everything just fine," the boss went on. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you!"
Prayers:
The Sunday school teacher asked, "Now, Johnny, tell me, do you say prayers before eating?"
"No, Sir," he replied. "We don't have to, my Mom is a good cook!"
---------------------------------------------
Henry
-
Henry J
- Tv Watcher
- Posts:17968
- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
- Location:Colorado
Why, Why, Why
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?
Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?
Why is it that no matter what colour bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.
-------------------------------------------
Henry
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?
Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?
Why is it that no matter what colour bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.
-------------------------------------------
Henry
-
Henry J
- Tv Watcher
- Posts:17968
- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
- Location:Colorado
A Cat In Heaven
One day, a cat died of natural causes and went to Shinning Isle, where she met the Goddess, Mother of all things.
The Lady said to the cat, "Daughter of Bast, if there is any way I can make your stay in Summerlands more pleasant, please let me know."
The cat thought for a moment and said, "Gracious Lady, I have had good life, the humans I lived with were loving to me, but they were a poor family, and I had to sleep on a hard wooden floor."
The Queen of the Shinning Isle smiled, and a soft, fully pillow appeared in snuggly catbox.
A few days later, six mice were killed in a tragic farming accident, and all of them went to the afterlife. Again, the Gracious Goddess who gives joy was there to greet the little mice. She asked them if there was any thing they wished. The mice answered all at once, squeeking, Skates! Skates! We want rollerskates! We've been chased and terrorized by dogs, owls, women with brooms, cats, farm equipment! Running, running, running; we're tired of running. We want skates!"
Somewhat amused, the Goddess answered, "If you wish." Each mouse was fitted instantly with beautiful new roller skates.
About a week later, it pleased the Goddess to walk among the trees of the orchard on the Shinning Isle. She passed by the snuggly cat box and found the tabby snoozing on the pillow.
The Lady gently wakes the cat and asks her, "How are things since you got here?"
The cat stretched and yawned, then replied, "It is wonderful here." Purring happily, she continued, "Better than I could have ever expected. And those 'Meals On Wheels' you've been sending by are the best!"
----------------------------------------------------
Guy gets pulled over by a cop for speeding.
Cop comes up to the window and says "Do you know why I pulled you over?"
Guy says "Well, yeah, probably because I was speeding. But I have a good reason, see... I've got these two dead hookers in the trunk, and I've got to go get rid of them."
The cop is stunned. "What?"
"Yeah, shot'em with the sawed-off shotgun I have here under the dash. Wasn't going to, but I guess I just did too much of that coke I have under the backseat and lost control!"
At this time, the cop goes back to his squad car and calls for backup. 20 minutes later 4 cops are there.
"Sir, can you open your trunk?"
"Absolutely!" Guy opens his trunk and there's a spare tire and some newspapers.
"Uhh sir can we look in your car?" So he opens the doors and they see nothing in the glove compartment, nothing under any of the seats.
Cop says "I don't understand, the officer that pulled you over said you told him you had hookers and guns and drugs in your car."
Guy says "Yeah? I bet that lying SOB said I was speeding too!"
----------------------------------------------------
Henry
One day, a cat died of natural causes and went to Shinning Isle, where she met the Goddess, Mother of all things.
The Lady said to the cat, "Daughter of Bast, if there is any way I can make your stay in Summerlands more pleasant, please let me know."
The cat thought for a moment and said, "Gracious Lady, I have had good life, the humans I lived with were loving to me, but they were a poor family, and I had to sleep on a hard wooden floor."
The Queen of the Shinning Isle smiled, and a soft, fully pillow appeared in snuggly catbox.
A few days later, six mice were killed in a tragic farming accident, and all of them went to the afterlife. Again, the Gracious Goddess who gives joy was there to greet the little mice. She asked them if there was any thing they wished. The mice answered all at once, squeeking, Skates! Skates! We want rollerskates! We've been chased and terrorized by dogs, owls, women with brooms, cats, farm equipment! Running, running, running; we're tired of running. We want skates!"
Somewhat amused, the Goddess answered, "If you wish." Each mouse was fitted instantly with beautiful new roller skates.
About a week later, it pleased the Goddess to walk among the trees of the orchard on the Shinning Isle. She passed by the snuggly cat box and found the tabby snoozing on the pillow.
The Lady gently wakes the cat and asks her, "How are things since you got here?"
The cat stretched and yawned, then replied, "It is wonderful here." Purring happily, she continued, "Better than I could have ever expected. And those 'Meals On Wheels' you've been sending by are the best!"
----------------------------------------------------
Guy gets pulled over by a cop for speeding.
Cop comes up to the window and says "Do you know why I pulled you over?"
Guy says "Well, yeah, probably because I was speeding. But I have a good reason, see... I've got these two dead hookers in the trunk, and I've got to go get rid of them."
The cop is stunned. "What?"
"Yeah, shot'em with the sawed-off shotgun I have here under the dash. Wasn't going to, but I guess I just did too much of that coke I have under the backseat and lost control!"
At this time, the cop goes back to his squad car and calls for backup. 20 minutes later 4 cops are there.
"Sir, can you open your trunk?"
"Absolutely!" Guy opens his trunk and there's a spare tire and some newspapers.
"Uhh sir can we look in your car?" So he opens the doors and they see nothing in the glove compartment, nothing under any of the seats.
Cop says "I don't understand, the officer that pulled you over said you told him you had hookers and guns and drugs in your car."
Guy says "Yeah? I bet that lying SOB said I was speeding too!"
----------------------------------------------------
Henry
-
Henry J
- Tv Watcher
- Posts:17968
- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
- Location:Colorado
--------------------------------------
Grandmas and Birth Control
The doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her. As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized she had a prescription for birth control pills. "Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?"
"Yes, they help me sleep at night."
"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that could possibly help you sleep!"
She reached out and patted the young Doctor's knee. "Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old granddaughter drinks... and believe me, it helps me sleep at night."
You gotta love Grandmas!
--------------------------------------
HOW TO TELL THE SEX OF A FLY
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."
---------------------------------------
This absent minded married couple were sound asleep and around 2am a loud knock came on their door. The woman
woke up startled, sat up in bed and hollered...
Oh My God... that's my husband." Her husband jumped out the window
---------------------------------------
Henry
Grandmas and Birth Control
The doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her. As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized she had a prescription for birth control pills. "Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?"
"Yes, they help me sleep at night."
"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that could possibly help you sleep!"
She reached out and patted the young Doctor's knee. "Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old granddaughter drinks... and believe me, it helps me sleep at night."
You gotta love Grandmas!
--------------------------------------
HOW TO TELL THE SEX OF A FLY
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."
---------------------------------------
This absent minded married couple were sound asleep and around 2am a loud knock came on their door. The woman
woke up startled, sat up in bed and hollered...
Oh My God... that's my husband." Her husband jumped out the window
---------------------------------------
Henry
Especially that last one. -
Henry J
- Tv Watcher
- Posts:17968
- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
- Location:Colorado
1. Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values Stu said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?" Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?"
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2. A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?" The father replied. "Well son, you must have got it from your mother, because I still have mine"
-----------------------------------------------------------
3. "Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court Judge said, "And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week," "That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."
-----------------------------------------------------------
4. A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all'" "Me neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids."
-----------------------------------------------------------
5. An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you. The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
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6. Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder: A. All the DNA is the same. B. There are no dental records.
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7. A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?" The agent replies, "Just a minute..." "Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.
-----------------------------------------------------------
8. Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez. "How was he killed?" asked one detective. "With a golf gun," the other detective replied. "A golf gun?! What is a golf gun?" "I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan."
-----------------------------------------------------------
9. The investigation of Martha Stewart continues. Her recipe for chicken casserole is quite efficient. First you boil the chicken in water. And then you dump the stock.
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10. This guy has been sitting in a bar all night, staring at a blonde wearing the tightest pants he's ever seen. Finally his curiosity gets the best of him, so he walks over and asks, "How do you get into those pants?" The young woman looks him over and replies, "Well, you could start by buying me a drink."
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11. Moe: "My wife got me to believe in religion." Joe: "Really?" Moe: "Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell."
-----------------------------------------------------------
12. A man is recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling. "I'm OK. but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery," he answered. "What did he say?" asked the nurse. "OOPS!"
-----------------------------------------------------------
13. While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.
"What do you think?" I asked. "Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?"
"Better get a bikini," he replied. "You'd never get it all in one."
-----------------------------------------------------------
Henry
-----------------------------------------------------------
2. A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?" The father replied. "Well son, you must have got it from your mother, because I still have mine"
-----------------------------------------------------------
3. "Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court Judge said, "And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week," "That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."
-----------------------------------------------------------
4. A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all'" "Me neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids."
-----------------------------------------------------------
5. An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you. The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
-----------------------------------------------------------
6. Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder: A. All the DNA is the same. B. There are no dental records.
-----------------------------------------------------------
7. A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?" The agent replies, "Just a minute..." "Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.
-----------------------------------------------------------
8. Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez. "How was he killed?" asked one detective. "With a golf gun," the other detective replied. "A golf gun?! What is a golf gun?" "I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan."
-----------------------------------------------------------
9. The investigation of Martha Stewart continues. Her recipe for chicken casserole is quite efficient. First you boil the chicken in water. And then you dump the stock.
-----------------------------------------------------------
10. This guy has been sitting in a bar all night, staring at a blonde wearing the tightest pants he's ever seen. Finally his curiosity gets the best of him, so he walks over and asks, "How do you get into those pants?" The young woman looks him over and replies, "Well, you could start by buying me a drink."
-----------------------------------------------------------
11. Moe: "My wife got me to believe in religion." Joe: "Really?" Moe: "Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell."
-----------------------------------------------------------
12. A man is recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling. "I'm OK. but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery," he answered. "What did he say?" asked the nurse. "OOPS!"
-----------------------------------------------------------
13. While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.
"What do you think?" I asked. "Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?"
"Better get a bikini," he replied. "You'd never get it all in one."
-----------------------------------------------------------
Henry
-
Henry J
- Tv Watcher
- Posts:17968
- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
- Location:Colorado
A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They turned on a night light, turned on the answering machine, covered their pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.
They phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and the couple opened the front door to leave their house.
The cat they had put out into the yard scooted back into the house. They didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tried to eat the bird. The wife went out to the taxi while the husband went inside to get the cat. The cat ran upstairs, the man in hot pursuit.
Waiting in the cab, the wife didn't want the driver to know the house would be empty for the night. She explained to the taxi driver that her husband would be out soon "He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother."
A few minutes later the husband got into the cab.
"Sorry I took so long", he said as they drove away.
"Stupid witch was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off so I grabbed her by the neck. Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"
The cabdriver hit a parked car................
-------------------------------------------------
A kindergarden child told his teacher he found a dead cat.
"How do you know it was dead?" the teacher asked.
"Because I pissed in it's ear and it didn't move." said the little boy innocently.
"WHAT???!" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
"you know", explained the boy. "I leaned over and went "Psssst" and it didn't move!"
-------------------------------------------------
Hollywood Squares:
Question: "If your going to make a parachute jump, how high to you need to be?"
Answer: "Three days of steady drinking should do it" Charley Weaver
-----
Peter Marshall: As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.
-------------------------------------------------
Henry
They phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and the couple opened the front door to leave their house.
The cat they had put out into the yard scooted back into the house. They didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tried to eat the bird. The wife went out to the taxi while the husband went inside to get the cat. The cat ran upstairs, the man in hot pursuit.
Waiting in the cab, the wife didn't want the driver to know the house would be empty for the night. She explained to the taxi driver that her husband would be out soon "He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother."
A few minutes later the husband got into the cab.
"Sorry I took so long", he said as they drove away.
"Stupid witch was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off so I grabbed her by the neck. Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"
The cabdriver hit a parked car................
-------------------------------------------------
A kindergarden child told his teacher he found a dead cat.
"How do you know it was dead?" the teacher asked.
"Because I pissed in it's ear and it didn't move." said the little boy innocently.
"WHAT???!" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
"you know", explained the boy. "I leaned over and went "Psssst" and it didn't move!"
-------------------------------------------------
Hollywood Squares:
Question: "If your going to make a parachute jump, how high to you need to be?"
Answer: "Three days of steady drinking should do it" Charley Weaver
-----
Peter Marshall: As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.
-------------------------------------------------
Henry
-
Henry J
- Tv Watcher
- Posts:17968
- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
- Location:Colorado
A West Texas cowboy was herding his cattle in a remote pasture when suddenly a Brand new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy,
"If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"
The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers,
"Sure, Why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his AT&T cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full color, 150 page report on his Hi-tech miniaturized HP Laser Jet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says,
"You have exactly 1586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the cowboy.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then the cowboy says to the young man,
"Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says,
"Okay, why not?"
"You're a consultant for the Federal Government." says the cowboy.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a damn thing about Cattle. Now give me back my dog."
-----------------------------------
Henry
"If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"
The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers,
"Sure, Why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his AT&T cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full color, 150 page report on his Hi-tech miniaturized HP Laser Jet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says,
"You have exactly 1586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the cowboy.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then the cowboy says to the young man,
"Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says,
"Okay, why not?"
"You're a consultant for the Federal Government." says the cowboy.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a damn thing about Cattle. Now give me back my dog."
-----------------------------------
Henry