Computer Jokes
Computers are like air conditioners. They work fine until you start opening windows.
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Idiots Jokes
There were two guys working for the city. One would dig a hole -- he would dig, dig, dig.
The other would come behind him and fill the hole -- fill, fill, fill. These two men worked furiously; one digging a hole, the other filling it up again.
A man was watching from the sidewalk and couldn't believe how hard these men were working, but couldn't understand what they were doing. Finally he had to ask them.
He said to the hole digger, "I appreciate how hard you work, but what are you doing? You dig a hole and your partner comes behind you and fills it up again!"
The hole digger replied, "Oh yeah, must look funny, but the guy who plants the trees is sick today."
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A Wee Bit of Scottish Humor
Two Scots, Ian Forsyth and Jimmy MacDonald, are sitting in the pub discussing Ian's forthcoming wedding.
"Ach, it's all going grand," says Ian. "I've got everything organized already: The flowers, the church, the cars, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night..."
Jimmy nods approvingly.
"Havens, I've even bought a kilt to be married in!" continues Ian.
"A Kilt?" exclaims Jimmy, "That's braw; you'll look pure smart in that!
"And what's the tartan?" Jimmy then enquires.
"Och," says Ian, "I'd imagine she'll be in White..."
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Men Vs. Women Jokes
Three men wanted to cross a river. They had no idea how to cross it, so one man knelt down on his knees and prayed "Lord give me the power and strength the cross the river." suddenly the man became very strong and swam across the river. The next man thought: if it worked for him, it'll work for me. So he knelt down and prayed "Lord give the skills and the strength to cross the river." the man built a canoe and rowed himself across the river. The last man thought: if it worked for both of them, I know it'll work for me. So he also knelt down and prayed "Lord give me the wisdom and knowledge to cross the river." He turned into a woman and walked across the bridge.
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Henry
Recycling
-
Henry J
- Tv Watcher
- Posts:17968
- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
- Location:Colorado
Doctors Jokes
A doctor and a dentist fell in love with a same girl. One day, the dentist had to go abroad for one week to fulfill his work, so he gave the girl seven apples and asked her to eat one apple everyday.
Know why? An apple a day keeps the doctor away!
("Ahhhh!")
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Work Jokes
For a couple years I 've been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much pressure from my job, but now I found out the real reason: I'm tired because I'm overworked. The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work. There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work. 2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the work. Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work. At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work. Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me. And you're sitting at your computer reading jokes.
(What if I'm standing, lying, kneeling, or squatting instead? Would that work?
)
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Genie Jokes
A guy was in a cave, looking for treasure. He found an old lamp, rubbed it, and a genie came out. The genie said "I will grant you three wishes, but your ex-wife will get double." The man agreed, and said "I wish I had a mansion." The genie granted it, and his ex-wife got two mansions. The man said "I would like a million dollars." The genie again granted it and his ex-wife got two million dollars. Then the man said, "Scare me half to death."
(
)
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Kid Jokes
A man walking down the street noticed a small boy trying to reach the doorbell of a house. Even when he jumped up, he couldn't quite reach it. The man decided to help the boy, walked up on to the porch and pushed the doorbell. He looked down at the boy, smiled and asked, "What now?"
The boy answered, "Now we run like crazy!"
(Oops!)
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Henry
A doctor and a dentist fell in love with a same girl. One day, the dentist had to go abroad for one week to fulfill his work, so he gave the girl seven apples and asked her to eat one apple everyday.
Know why? An apple a day keeps the doctor away!
("Ahhhh!")
---------------------------------------------
Work Jokes
For a couple years I 've been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much pressure from my job, but now I found out the real reason: I'm tired because I'm overworked. The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work. There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work. 2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the work. Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work. At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work. Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me. And you're sitting at your computer reading jokes.
(What if I'm standing, lying, kneeling, or squatting instead? Would that work?
)--------------------------------------------
Genie Jokes
A guy was in a cave, looking for treasure. He found an old lamp, rubbed it, and a genie came out. The genie said "I will grant you three wishes, but your ex-wife will get double." The man agreed, and said "I wish I had a mansion." The genie granted it, and his ex-wife got two mansions. The man said "I would like a million dollars." The genie again granted it and his ex-wife got two million dollars. Then the man said, "Scare me half to death."
(
)--------------------------------------------
Kid Jokes
A man walking down the street noticed a small boy trying to reach the doorbell of a house. Even when he jumped up, he couldn't quite reach it. The man decided to help the boy, walked up on to the porch and pushed the doorbell. He looked down at the boy, smiled and asked, "What now?"
The boy answered, "Now we run like crazy!"
(Oops!)
--------------------------------------------
Henry
-
Henry J
- Tv Watcher
- Posts:17968
- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
- Location:Colorado
An insurance agent's wife was learning to drive when the brakes gave out. "What should I do?" she cried. "Brace yourself, and try to hit something cheap."
(Cheep! Cheep!)
===========================================
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.
--Woody Allen
(So far, so good!)
===========================================
Two lawyers walk into a restaurant. They, put their briefcases on the floor and order two coffees. They get their coffee and pull out lunches from their briefcases.
"Sorry," the waitress says, "You can't eat your own food here."
The lawyers look at one another, shrug their shoulders and swap sandwiches.
(They should be debriefed about that.)
===========================================
Living the Motto
A scoutmaster and his wife were driving along a rural highway when they found the road blocked by a herd of cows that had escaped through a broken fence.
The scoutmaster tried beeping his horn to scare the cattle from the pavement, but to no avail. For some reason, no
sound was heard. He got out of the car, lifted the hood, and saw the problem, a loose wire, which he quickly fixed.
As he got back into the car, his wife asked him if he'd had any luck.
"Yep," he replied, "beep repaired!"
(Moo!)
===========================================
Play It Where It Lies
One fine day, Jim and Bob are out golfing. Jim slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine. He grabs his 7-iron and proceeds down the embankment into the ravine -- in search of his lost ball.
The brush is quite thick, but Jim searches diligently and suddenly he spots something shiny. As he gets closer, he realizes that the shiny object is, in fact, a 7-iron in the hands of a skeleton lying near an old golf ball.
Jim excitedly calls out to his golfing partner: "Hey Bob, come here, I got trouble down here."
Bob comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls out: "What's the matter?"
Jim shouts back, "Throw me my 8 iron! You can't get out of here with a 7!"
(FORE!)
===========================================
Henry
(Cheep! Cheep!)
===========================================
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.
--Woody Allen
(So far, so good!)
===========================================
Two lawyers walk into a restaurant. They, put their briefcases on the floor and order two coffees. They get their coffee and pull out lunches from their briefcases.
"Sorry," the waitress says, "You can't eat your own food here."
The lawyers look at one another, shrug their shoulders and swap sandwiches.
(They should be debriefed about that.)
===========================================
Living the Motto
A scoutmaster and his wife were driving along a rural highway when they found the road blocked by a herd of cows that had escaped through a broken fence.
The scoutmaster tried beeping his horn to scare the cattle from the pavement, but to no avail. For some reason, no
sound was heard. He got out of the car, lifted the hood, and saw the problem, a loose wire, which he quickly fixed.
As he got back into the car, his wife asked him if he'd had any luck.
"Yep," he replied, "beep repaired!"
(Moo!)
===========================================
Play It Where It Lies
One fine day, Jim and Bob are out golfing. Jim slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine. He grabs his 7-iron and proceeds down the embankment into the ravine -- in search of his lost ball.
The brush is quite thick, but Jim searches diligently and suddenly he spots something shiny. As he gets closer, he realizes that the shiny object is, in fact, a 7-iron in the hands of a skeleton lying near an old golf ball.
Jim excitedly calls out to his golfing partner: "Hey Bob, come here, I got trouble down here."
Bob comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls out: "What's the matter?"
Jim shouts back, "Throw me my 8 iron! You can't get out of here with a 7!"
(FORE!)
===========================================
Henry
-
Henry J
- Tv Watcher
- Posts:17968
- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
- Location:Colorado
Elderly Jokes
Three old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting about various things. One lady says, "You know, I'm getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn't remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down." The second lady says, "You think that's bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed, and I couldn't remember whether I was going to bed or had just woken up!" The third lady smiles smugly. "Well, my memory's just as good as it's always been, knock on wood." She raps the table. With a startled look on her face, she asks, "Who's there?!"
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Miscellaneous Jokes
An old man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Bubba, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.
Dear Bubba:
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.
Love, Dad
A few days later, he received a letter from his son.
Dear Dad:
For heaven's sake, Dad, don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the BODIES.
Love, Bubba
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local Police showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.
That same day, the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Dad:
Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. It's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love, Bubba
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Work Jokes
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"
The Engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."
The interviewer enquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years say, a red Corvette?"
The Engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?"
And the interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."
=====================================
Henry
Three old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting about various things. One lady says, "You know, I'm getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn't remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down." The second lady says, "You think that's bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed, and I couldn't remember whether I was going to bed or had just woken up!" The third lady smiles smugly. "Well, my memory's just as good as it's always been, knock on wood." She raps the table. With a startled look on her face, she asks, "Who's there?!"
=====================================
Miscellaneous Jokes
An old man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Bubba, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.
Dear Bubba:
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.
Love, Dad
A few days later, he received a letter from his son.
Dear Dad:
For heaven's sake, Dad, don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the BODIES.
Love, Bubba
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local Police showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.
That same day, the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Dad:
Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. It's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love, Bubba
=====================================
Work Jokes
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"
The Engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."
The interviewer enquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years say, a red Corvette?"
The Engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?"
And the interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."
=====================================
Henry
-
Henry J
- Tv Watcher
- Posts:17968
- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
- Location:Colorado
A Wee Bit of Scottish Humor
A prospective Member of the Scottish Parliament was once asked at an election meeting in the Western Isles about his attitude toward whisky. Knowing the divided views on alcohol on the islands, his reply was: "If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then I'm against it. But if you mean the elixir of Christmas cheer, the shield against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to comfort little crippled children, then I'm for it. This is my position, and I will not compromise!"
(Yay?)
====================================
Elderly Jokes
"How was your game, dear?" asked Jack's wife Tracy.
"Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad I couldn't see where the ball went," he answered.
"But you're 75 years old, Jack!" admonished his wife, "Why don't you take my brother Scott along?"
"But he's 85 and doesn't play golf anymore," protested Jack.
"But he's got perfect eyesight. He would watch the ball for you," Tracy pointed out.
The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway. "Do you see it?" asked Jack.
"Yup," Scott answered.
"Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.
"I forgot."
(Sounds like a fore-gone conclusion there...)
====================================
Doctors Jokes
"Doctor, Doctor, You've got to help me - I just can't stop my hands shaking!"
"Do you drink a lot?"
"Not really - I spill most of it!"
(Shaken not stirred?)
====================================
Puns
A young apprentice optometrist recently got careless and got his hand caught in the lens grinder. He wasn't seriously hurt, but he certainly made a spectacle of himself.
(Well, at least he didn't back into it and get a little behind in his work. Hee Haw.)
====================================
Doctors Jokes
A man visits his psychiatrist and talks about being haunted by visions of his departed relatives. He says; these ghosts are perched on the tops of fence posts around my garden every night. They sit there and watch me and watch me. What can I do?
The psychiatrist says; that's easy … just sharpen the tops of the posts.
(Well, that advice certainly gets to the bottom of things...)
====================================
Henry
A prospective Member of the Scottish Parliament was once asked at an election meeting in the Western Isles about his attitude toward whisky. Knowing the divided views on alcohol on the islands, his reply was: "If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then I'm against it. But if you mean the elixir of Christmas cheer, the shield against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to comfort little crippled children, then I'm for it. This is my position, and I will not compromise!"
(Yay?)
====================================
Elderly Jokes
"How was your game, dear?" asked Jack's wife Tracy.
"Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad I couldn't see where the ball went," he answered.
"But you're 75 years old, Jack!" admonished his wife, "Why don't you take my brother Scott along?"
"But he's 85 and doesn't play golf anymore," protested Jack.
"But he's got perfect eyesight. He would watch the ball for you," Tracy pointed out.
The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway. "Do you see it?" asked Jack.
"Yup," Scott answered.
"Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.
"I forgot."
(Sounds like a fore-gone conclusion there...)
====================================
Doctors Jokes
"Doctor, Doctor, You've got to help me - I just can't stop my hands shaking!"
"Do you drink a lot?"
"Not really - I spill most of it!"
(Shaken not stirred?)
====================================
Puns
A young apprentice optometrist recently got careless and got his hand caught in the lens grinder. He wasn't seriously hurt, but he certainly made a spectacle of himself.
(Well, at least he didn't back into it and get a little behind in his work. Hee Haw.)
====================================
Doctors Jokes
A man visits his psychiatrist and talks about being haunted by visions of his departed relatives. He says; these ghosts are perched on the tops of fence posts around my garden every night. They sit there and watch me and watch me. What can I do?
The psychiatrist says; that's easy … just sharpen the tops of the posts.
(Well, that advice certainly gets to the bottom of things...)
====================================
Henry
-
Henry J
- Tv Watcher
- Posts:17968
- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
- Location:Colorado
Consider that two wrongs don't make a right.
But three lefts do.
(One good turn...)
======================================
Q: What do you call a midget fortuneteller on the run from the law?
A: A small medium at large.
(Size matters!)
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Family Jokes
One day a little girl was sitting on her grandpa's knee playing with his long beard and patting his baldhead, and asked "Did God make me?"
"Yes my dear" her grandpa replied.
"Did God make you?" she asked. "Yes he did" he replied again
she then said "well he sure does a better job these days doesn't he.
(Practice makes... uh, something or other.)
======================================
Miscellaneous Jokes
Two ghosts were talking. One said to the other, "I think I've been here before."
The other replies, "Don't worry, it's just a case of deja whooooo!"
(Whooooo goes there?)
======================================
A Wee Bit of Scottish Humor
An American couple taking driving tour of Scotland found themselves lost. Finally, they drove into a small town. They saw Bruce Forsyth walking along beside the road, so the husband pulled the car up beside him. His wife rolled down her window and asked, "Excuse me, sir, we're lost. Can ya'll tell us where we are?" The reply came back "Tillucoultry, Clackmannan." The American lady said "Thank you", rolled up the window, turned to her husband and said, "We really are lost. They don't even speak English here."
(No hablo...)
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One Liners Jokes
If you drop a fork, it's a sign company is coming. If a fork is missing, it's a sign company is leaving.
(Sackville Bagginses?)
======================================
Henry
But three lefts do.
(One good turn...)
======================================
Q: What do you call a midget fortuneteller on the run from the law?
A: A small medium at large.
(Size matters!)
======================================
Family Jokes
One day a little girl was sitting on her grandpa's knee playing with his long beard and patting his baldhead, and asked "Did God make me?"
"Yes my dear" her grandpa replied.
"Did God make you?" she asked. "Yes he did" he replied again
she then said "well he sure does a better job these days doesn't he.
(Practice makes... uh, something or other.)
======================================
Miscellaneous Jokes
Two ghosts were talking. One said to the other, "I think I've been here before."
The other replies, "Don't worry, it's just a case of deja whooooo!"
(Whooooo goes there?)
======================================
A Wee Bit of Scottish Humor
An American couple taking driving tour of Scotland found themselves lost. Finally, they drove into a small town. They saw Bruce Forsyth walking along beside the road, so the husband pulled the car up beside him. His wife rolled down her window and asked, "Excuse me, sir, we're lost. Can ya'll tell us where we are?" The reply came back "Tillucoultry, Clackmannan." The American lady said "Thank you", rolled up the window, turned to her husband and said, "We really are lost. They don't even speak English here."
(No hablo...)
======================================
One Liners Jokes
If you drop a fork, it's a sign company is coming. If a fork is missing, it's a sign company is leaving.
(Sackville Bagginses?)
======================================
Henry
-
Henry J
- Tv Watcher
- Posts:17968
- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
- Location:Colorado
Kid Jokes
Two boy scouts went on a nature hike in the hills picking hickory nuts.
Along the way, they filled their small pails and then started to fill their pockets and shirts.
When they could hold no more nuts, they started down the country road until they came across a cemetery. The boys decided that would be a good place to stop and rest and divide out the nuts.
The two boys sat in the shade of a large oak tree and unloaded their pockets and buckets by dumping all of the nuts in a large pile.
In the process, two of them rolled away and rested near the road. The boys then proceeded to divide out the nuts. "One for you. One for me. One for you. One for me."
As they were doing this, another boy was passing by and happened to hear them. He looked into the cemetery, but could not see the boys, because they were obscured by the tree. He hesitated a moment and then ran back to town.
"Father! Father!" he yelled as he entered his house. "The cemetery. Come quick!"
"What's the matter?" his father asked.
"No time to explain," the boy frantically panted. "Follow me!"
The boy and his father ran up the country road and stopped when they reached the cemetery. They stopped at the side of the road and all fell silent for a few moments. Then the father asked his son what was wrong.
"Do you hear that?" he whispered. Both people listened intently and heard the Scouts. "One for me. One for you. One for me. One for you..."
The boy then blurted out, "The devil and the Lord are dividing the souls!"
The father was skeptical but silent -- until a few moments later as the Scouts completed dividing out the nuts and one Scout said to the other, "Now, as soon as we get those two nuts down by the road, we'll have them all."
======================================
Work Jokes
The old accountant retired after forty years, and on the top drawer of his desk they found a note that said: "debits in the columns toward the file cabinet. Credits in the column toward the window."
======================================
Animal Jokes
Having arrived at the edge of the river, the fisherman soon realized he had forgotten to bring any bait. Just then he happened to see a little snake passing by who had caught a worm. The fisherman snatched up the snake and robbed him of his worm. Feeling sorry for the little snake with no lunch, he snatched him up again and poured a little beer down his throat. Then he went about his fishing.
An hour or so later the fisherman felt a tug at his pant leg. Looking down, he saw the same snake with three more worms in his mouth...
======================================
Henry
Two boy scouts went on a nature hike in the hills picking hickory nuts.
Along the way, they filled their small pails and then started to fill their pockets and shirts.
When they could hold no more nuts, they started down the country road until they came across a cemetery. The boys decided that would be a good place to stop and rest and divide out the nuts.
The two boys sat in the shade of a large oak tree and unloaded their pockets and buckets by dumping all of the nuts in a large pile.
In the process, two of them rolled away and rested near the road. The boys then proceeded to divide out the nuts. "One for you. One for me. One for you. One for me."
As they were doing this, another boy was passing by and happened to hear them. He looked into the cemetery, but could not see the boys, because they were obscured by the tree. He hesitated a moment and then ran back to town.
"Father! Father!" he yelled as he entered his house. "The cemetery. Come quick!"
"What's the matter?" his father asked.
"No time to explain," the boy frantically panted. "Follow me!"
The boy and his father ran up the country road and stopped when they reached the cemetery. They stopped at the side of the road and all fell silent for a few moments. Then the father asked his son what was wrong.
"Do you hear that?" he whispered. Both people listened intently and heard the Scouts. "One for me. One for you. One for me. One for you..."
The boy then blurted out, "The devil and the Lord are dividing the souls!"
The father was skeptical but silent -- until a few moments later as the Scouts completed dividing out the nuts and one Scout said to the other, "Now, as soon as we get those two nuts down by the road, we'll have them all."
======================================
Work Jokes
The old accountant retired after forty years, and on the top drawer of his desk they found a note that said: "debits in the columns toward the file cabinet. Credits in the column toward the window."
======================================
Animal Jokes
Having arrived at the edge of the river, the fisherman soon realized he had forgotten to bring any bait. Just then he happened to see a little snake passing by who had caught a worm. The fisherman snatched up the snake and robbed him of his worm. Feeling sorry for the little snake with no lunch, he snatched him up again and poured a little beer down his throat. Then he went about his fishing.
An hour or so later the fisherman felt a tug at his pant leg. Looking down, he saw the same snake with three more worms in his mouth...
======================================
Henry
-
Henry J
- Tv Watcher
- Posts:17968
- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
- Location:Colorado
Miscellaneous Jokes
Hello, and welcome to the Mental Health Hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press-no-one will answer.
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line.
If you have amnesia press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number and your mother's maiden name.
If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.
If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you.
=======================================
Entertainment Jokes
Two passengers on a ship are talking. "Can you swim?" Asks one.
"No," says the other, "but I can shout for help in nine languages."
=======================================
Henry
Hello, and welcome to the Mental Health Hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press-no-one will answer.
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line.
If you have amnesia press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number and your mother's maiden name.
If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.
If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you.
=======================================
Entertainment Jokes
Two passengers on a ship are talking. "Can you swim?" Asks one.
"No," says the other, "but I can shout for help in nine languages."
=======================================
Henry
-
Xjmt
- Tv Watcher
- Posts:13815
- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 6:13 am
- Location:Ohio
Subject: Dog Tales
Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a
beautiful, enticing, female Poodle. The three male dogs fall all over
themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up
arriving in front of her at the same time.
The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves
and hoping for just a glance from her in return.
Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she
decides to be kind and tells them, "The first one who can use the words
'liver' and 'cheese' together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go
out with me."
The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says, "I love
liver and cheese."
"Oh, how childish," said the Poodle. "That shows no imagination or
intelligence whatsoever."
She turns to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and says "How well can
you do?"
"Um. I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the Golden Retriever..
"My, my," said the Poodle. "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as
dumb as the Lab's sentence."
She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, "How about
you, little guy?"
The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse,
is the Taco Bell Chihuahua.
He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and
the Lab and says..................................
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
Liver alone. Cheese mine."
Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a
beautiful, enticing, female Poodle. The three male dogs fall all over
themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up
arriving in front of her at the same time.
The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves
and hoping for just a glance from her in return.
Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she
decides to be kind and tells them, "The first one who can use the words
'liver' and 'cheese' together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go
out with me."
The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says, "I love
liver and cheese."
"Oh, how childish," said the Poodle. "That shows no imagination or
intelligence whatsoever."
She turns to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and says "How well can
you do?"
"Um. I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the Golden Retriever..
"My, my," said the Poodle. "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as
dumb as the Lab's sentence."
She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, "How about
you, little guy?"
The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse,
is the Taco Bell Chihuahua.
He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and
the Lab and says..................................
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
Liver alone. Cheese mine."
-
Henry J
- Tv Watcher
- Posts:17968
- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
- Location:Colorado
One Liners Jokes
Ad outside a store specializing in jeans-wear: "Ladies have fits upstairs".
======================================
Entertainment Jokes
What did the young Arnold Schwarzenegger state, when attending music school in Austria, after turning down the chance to become another Beethoven, Mozart or Chopin? What did he say?
"I'll be Bach."
======================================
Question / Answer Jokes
Q. What did the digital clock say to the analog clock?
A. Look, No hands!
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Entertainment Jokes
Bill, Jim, and Scott were at a convention together and were sharing a large suite on the top of a 75-story skyscraper. After a long day of meetings they were shocked to hear that the elevators in their hotel were broken and they would have to climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their room. Bill said to Jim and Scott, let's break the monotony of this unpleasant task by concentrating on something interesting. I'll tell jokes for 25 flights, and Jim can sing songs for 25 flights, and Scott can tell sad stories the rest of the way. At the 26th floor Bill stopped telling jokes and Jim began to sing. At the 51st floor Jim stopped singing and Scott began to tell sad stories. "I will tell my saddest story first," he said. "I left the room key in the car!"
======================================
Entertainment Jokes
A man looking for love sent his picture to the Lonely Hearts Club.
The reply came back, "We are not that lonely."
======================================
Business Jokes
A traveling salesman was held up in the west by a rainstorm and flood. He e-mails his office in NY: "Delayed by storm. Send instructions"
His boss e-mails back: "Start vacation immediately"
======================================
Henry
Ad outside a store specializing in jeans-wear: "Ladies have fits upstairs".
======================================
Entertainment Jokes
What did the young Arnold Schwarzenegger state, when attending music school in Austria, after turning down the chance to become another Beethoven, Mozart or Chopin? What did he say?
"I'll be Bach."
======================================
Question / Answer Jokes
Q. What did the digital clock say to the analog clock?
A. Look, No hands!
======================================
Entertainment Jokes
Bill, Jim, and Scott were at a convention together and were sharing a large suite on the top of a 75-story skyscraper. After a long day of meetings they were shocked to hear that the elevators in their hotel were broken and they would have to climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their room. Bill said to Jim and Scott, let's break the monotony of this unpleasant task by concentrating on something interesting. I'll tell jokes for 25 flights, and Jim can sing songs for 25 flights, and Scott can tell sad stories the rest of the way. At the 26th floor Bill stopped telling jokes and Jim began to sing. At the 51st floor Jim stopped singing and Scott began to tell sad stories. "I will tell my saddest story first," he said. "I left the room key in the car!"
======================================
Entertainment Jokes
A man looking for love sent his picture to the Lonely Hearts Club.
The reply came back, "We are not that lonely."
======================================
Business Jokes
A traveling salesman was held up in the west by a rainstorm and flood. He e-mails his office in NY: "Delayed by storm. Send instructions"
His boss e-mails back: "Start vacation immediately"
======================================
Henry
-
Henry J
- Tv Watcher
- Posts:17968
- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
- Location:Colorado
Bubba had Shingles
Those of us who spend much time in a doctor's office should appreciate this!
Doesn't it seem that more and more that physicians are running their practices like an assembly line? Here's what happened to Bubba:
Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Bubba said, Shingles. So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.
Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Bubba what he had.
Bubba said, Shingles. So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.
A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, Shingles. So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.
An hour later the doctor came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, shingles. The doctor asked, "Where?"
Bubba said, "Outside on the truck. Where do you want them?"
===================================
Political Jokes
During a terrible storm, all the highway signs were covered with snow. The following spring, the state decided to raise all the signs twelve inches at a cost of six million dollars. "That's an outrageous price!" said a local farmer, "but I guess we're lucky the state handled it instead of the federal government."
"Why's that?"
"Because knowing the federal government, they'd decided to lower the highways."
===================================
Miscellaneous Jokes
Isn't it strange how drivers who go slower than you are idiots and those that go faster are maniacs?
===================================
Airplane Jokes
A jet ran into some turbulent weather. To keep the passengers calm the flight attendants brought out the beverage carts. "I'd like a soda," said a passenger in the first row. Moving along, the attendant asked the man behind her if he would like something. "Yes, I would," he replied. "Give me whatever the pilot is drinking!"
===================================
Henry
Those of us who spend much time in a doctor's office should appreciate this!
Doesn't it seem that more and more that physicians are running their practices like an assembly line? Here's what happened to Bubba:
Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Bubba said, Shingles. So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.
Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Bubba what he had.
Bubba said, Shingles. So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.
A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, Shingles. So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.
An hour later the doctor came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, shingles. The doctor asked, "Where?"
Bubba said, "Outside on the truck. Where do you want them?"
===================================
Political Jokes
During a terrible storm, all the highway signs were covered with snow. The following spring, the state decided to raise all the signs twelve inches at a cost of six million dollars. "That's an outrageous price!" said a local farmer, "but I guess we're lucky the state handled it instead of the federal government."
"Why's that?"
"Because knowing the federal government, they'd decided to lower the highways."
===================================
Miscellaneous Jokes
Isn't it strange how drivers who go slower than you are idiots and those that go faster are maniacs?
===================================
Airplane Jokes
A jet ran into some turbulent weather. To keep the passengers calm the flight attendants brought out the beverage carts. "I'd like a soda," said a passenger in the first row. Moving along, the attendant asked the man behind her if he would like something. "Yes, I would," he replied. "Give me whatever the pilot is drinking!"
===================================
Henry
-
Henry J
- Tv Watcher
- Posts:17968
- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
- Location:Colorado
Bar & Drinking Jokes
A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door.
He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows.
"Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.
So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.
"Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push??"
"No, get lost. It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you.
Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost??"
"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.
"It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the right thing to help him." So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed and goes downstairs.
He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push??"
And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please."
So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?"
And the stranger replies, "I'm over here, on your swing."
======================================================
Holiday Jokes
A descendant of Eric The Red, named Rudolf the Red, was arguing with his wife about the weather. His wife thought it was going to be a nice day, and he thought it was going to rain. Finally she asked him, how he was so sure. He smiled at her, and calmly said, "Because Rudolf the Red knows rain, dear."
(Rudolf the red-nosed raindeer?)
======================================================
My wife shared a hospital elevator with an employee who was dressed in the traditional "whites" and whose charge was a complex-looking piece of equipment. It was all chrome with a myriad of handles, bars, valves, gauges, dials and inverted bottles. "Gee," my wife said, "I would hate to be hooked up to that machine." "So would I," the attendant replied. "This is a rug shampooer."
- submitted to Reader's Digest by Clinton C. Gorman
======================================================
Entertainment Jokes
The patient staggered to the pharmacy counter flinching.
"Say, would you give me something for my head?" The pharmacist looked up.
"Why? What would I do with it?"
======================================================
Henry
A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door.
He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows.
"Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.
So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.
"Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push??"
"No, get lost. It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you.
Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost??"
"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.
"It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the right thing to help him." So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed and goes downstairs.
He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push??"
And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please."
So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?"
And the stranger replies, "I'm over here, on your swing."
======================================================
Holiday Jokes
A descendant of Eric The Red, named Rudolf the Red, was arguing with his wife about the weather. His wife thought it was going to be a nice day, and he thought it was going to rain. Finally she asked him, how he was so sure. He smiled at her, and calmly said, "Because Rudolf the Red knows rain, dear."
(Rudolf the red-nosed raindeer?)
======================================================
My wife shared a hospital elevator with an employee who was dressed in the traditional "whites" and whose charge was a complex-looking piece of equipment. It was all chrome with a myriad of handles, bars, valves, gauges, dials and inverted bottles. "Gee," my wife said, "I would hate to be hooked up to that machine." "So would I," the attendant replied. "This is a rug shampooer."
- submitted to Reader's Digest by Clinton C. Gorman
======================================================
Entertainment Jokes
The patient staggered to the pharmacy counter flinching.
"Say, would you give me something for my head?" The pharmacist looked up.
"Why? What would I do with it?"
======================================================
Henry
-
Henry J
- Tv Watcher
- Posts:17968
- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
- Location:Colorado
Kid Jokes
Two brothers were always getting into trouble in their neighborhood. The people in the neighborhood started complaining to the parents about the boys. So the boys parents decided to have their priest talk to the boys.
The priest asks to speak to the boys alone, requesting to see the youngest first. The young boy comes in and sits at a large table across the room from the priest. The priest looks at the boy, points at him and, trying to emphasize that God is in everyone, asks, "Where is God?"
The boy looks around the room and back at the priest and says nothing. Again, the priest points at the boy and in a louder voice asks, "Where is God?"
The boy says nothing. The priest walks around the table, pointing inches from the boy's face and asks again, "Where is God?"
The boy jumps out of his chair and runs out the door. The boy runs right home, grabs his older brother and says to him, "We are in BIG trouble!"
His brother replies, "We haven't done anything!"
The younger brother replies, "God's missing, and they think we did it!"
======================================================
A Wee Bit of Scottish Humor
Andy Forsythe's wife, refusing to give in to looking her age, went out and bought a new line of expensive cosmetics, guaranteed to make her look years younger. After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products, she asked her husband, "Andy, honestly, if you didn't know me, what age would you say I am?" Looking over her carefully, Andy replied, "Judging from your skin, 20; your hair, 18; your eyes, 16, and your figure, 25."
"Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed. Just as she was about to give Andy a big slobbery kiss, he stopped her by saying: "Hold on dear, I haven't added them all up yet!" They say that Andy will be back on his feet again in a week or two...
======================================================
If it should move but doesn't - WD-40.
If it shouldn't move but does - duct tape.
======================================================
Beginning gardeners work by trowel and error.
======================================================
Henry
Two brothers were always getting into trouble in their neighborhood. The people in the neighborhood started complaining to the parents about the boys. So the boys parents decided to have their priest talk to the boys.
The priest asks to speak to the boys alone, requesting to see the youngest first. The young boy comes in and sits at a large table across the room from the priest. The priest looks at the boy, points at him and, trying to emphasize that God is in everyone, asks, "Where is God?"
The boy looks around the room and back at the priest and says nothing. Again, the priest points at the boy and in a louder voice asks, "Where is God?"
The boy says nothing. The priest walks around the table, pointing inches from the boy's face and asks again, "Where is God?"
The boy jumps out of his chair and runs out the door. The boy runs right home, grabs his older brother and says to him, "We are in BIG trouble!"
His brother replies, "We haven't done anything!"
The younger brother replies, "God's missing, and they think we did it!"
======================================================
A Wee Bit of Scottish Humor
Andy Forsythe's wife, refusing to give in to looking her age, went out and bought a new line of expensive cosmetics, guaranteed to make her look years younger. After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products, she asked her husband, "Andy, honestly, if you didn't know me, what age would you say I am?" Looking over her carefully, Andy replied, "Judging from your skin, 20; your hair, 18; your eyes, 16, and your figure, 25."
"Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed. Just as she was about to give Andy a big slobbery kiss, he stopped her by saying: "Hold on dear, I haven't added them all up yet!" They say that Andy will be back on his feet again in a week or two...
======================================================
If it should move but doesn't - WD-40.
If it shouldn't move but does - duct tape.
======================================================
Beginning gardeners work by trowel and error.
======================================================
Henry
-
Henry J
- Tv Watcher
- Posts:17968
- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
- Location:Colorado
New Supermarket
The new supermarket near our house has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh.
Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.
When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and witness the scent of fresh hay.
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.
The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn.
And so on.
I don't buy toilet paper there any more.
(Don't ask!)
======================================================
Elderly Jokes
A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school.
He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trashcan they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action.
The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing." The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trashcans.
After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face.
"This recession's really putting a big dent in my income," he told them. "From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans."
The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they did accept his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus. A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street.
"Look," he said, "I haven't received my Social Security check yet, so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?"
"A lousy quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think we're going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you're nuts! No way, mister. We quit!"
And the old man enjoyed peace.
(Sounds like those kids got canned! Or is that conned?)
======================================================
Henry
The new supermarket near our house has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh.
Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.
When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and witness the scent of fresh hay.
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.
The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn.
And so on.
I don't buy toilet paper there any more.
(Don't ask!)
======================================================
Elderly Jokes
A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school.
He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trashcan they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action.
The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing." The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trashcans.
After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face.
"This recession's really putting a big dent in my income," he told them. "From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans."
The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they did accept his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus. A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street.
"Look," he said, "I haven't received my Social Security check yet, so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?"
"A lousy quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think we're going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you're nuts! No way, mister. We quit!"
And the old man enjoyed peace.
(Sounds like those kids got canned! Or is that conned?)
======================================================
Henry
-
Henry J
- Tv Watcher
- Posts:17968
- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
- Location:Colorado
Baby Jokes
We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk, and the next Twenty-four years telling them to sit down and shut up!
======================================
Entertainment Jokes
A frantic woman had dialed 911.
"Police, fire, or ambulance?" asked the operator.
"I want a vet!" demanded the panic-stricken woman.
"A vet?" said the operator in surprise.
"What for?"
"To open by bulldog's jaws."
"But why did you call 911?"
"There's a burglar in them."
======================================
Scifi Jokes
A poet and a scientist were traveling together on a plane. The scientist was bored and said to the poet, "Hey, you, do you want to play a game? I'll ask you a question, and if you get it wrong, you give me $5. Then, you ask me a question, and if I can't answer it, I'll give you $5."
The poet thought about this for a moment, but he decided against it, seeing that the scientist was obviously a very bright man. He politely turned down the scientist's offer.
The scientist, who was really bored, tried again. "Look, I'll ask you a question, and if you can't answer it, you give me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I can't answer it, I'll give you $50."
The poet agreed. "Okay," the scientist said, "what is the exact distance between the Earth and the Moon?"
The poet, obviously not knowing the answer, didn't stop to think about the scientist's question. He took a $5 bill out of his pocket and handed it to the scientist.
The scientist happily accepted the bill and promptly said, "Okay, now it's your turn."
The poet thought about this for a few minutes, then asked, "All right, what goes up a mountain on three legs, but comes down on four?"
The bright glow quickly vanished from the scientist's face. He thought about this for a long time, taking out his notepad and making numerous calculations. He finally gave up on his notepad and took out his laptop, using his Multimedia Encyclopedia. As the plane was landing the scientist gave up. He reluctantly handed the poet a $50 bill.
The poet accepted it graciously, getting ready to stand up. "Wait!" the scientist shouted, "you can't do this to me! What's the answer?"
The poet looked at the scientist and calmly put a $5 bill into his hand.
====================================
Henry
We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk, and the next Twenty-four years telling them to sit down and shut up!
======================================
Entertainment Jokes
A frantic woman had dialed 911.
"Police, fire, or ambulance?" asked the operator.
"I want a vet!" demanded the panic-stricken woman.
"A vet?" said the operator in surprise.
"What for?"
"To open by bulldog's jaws."
"But why did you call 911?"
"There's a burglar in them."
======================================
Scifi Jokes
A poet and a scientist were traveling together on a plane. The scientist was bored and said to the poet, "Hey, you, do you want to play a game? I'll ask you a question, and if you get it wrong, you give me $5. Then, you ask me a question, and if I can't answer it, I'll give you $5."
The poet thought about this for a moment, but he decided against it, seeing that the scientist was obviously a very bright man. He politely turned down the scientist's offer.
The scientist, who was really bored, tried again. "Look, I'll ask you a question, and if you can't answer it, you give me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I can't answer it, I'll give you $50."
The poet agreed. "Okay," the scientist said, "what is the exact distance between the Earth and the Moon?"
The poet, obviously not knowing the answer, didn't stop to think about the scientist's question. He took a $5 bill out of his pocket and handed it to the scientist.
The scientist happily accepted the bill and promptly said, "Okay, now it's your turn."
The poet thought about this for a few minutes, then asked, "All right, what goes up a mountain on three legs, but comes down on four?"
The bright glow quickly vanished from the scientist's face. He thought about this for a long time, taking out his notepad and making numerous calculations. He finally gave up on his notepad and took out his laptop, using his Multimedia Encyclopedia. As the plane was landing the scientist gave up. He reluctantly handed the poet a $50 bill.
The poet accepted it graciously, getting ready to stand up. "Wait!" the scientist shouted, "you can't do this to me! What's the answer?"
The poet looked at the scientist and calmly put a $5 bill into his hand.
====================================
Henry