Recycling

[Henry J]

Pregnancy Q & A

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.

Henry

[Henry J]

Royal Decree

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During the Middle Ages, there was an old king who ruled a vast kingdom.

King Cole was a kind ruler, but he was known for his slightly mad decrees.

For example, one year, he decreed that the cabbage tithed to him be diced and covered in mayonnaise.

It was, of course, called Cole’s Law.

Henry

[Henry J]

Wisdom of Larry the Cable Guy: Read slowly

1. A day without sunshine is like night.

2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

6. He who laughs last thinks the slowest.

7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.

14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

20. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, "What the heck happened?"

22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates; it's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your a$$ tomorrow.

Henry

[Henry J]

Why can't you take a turkey to church?
Because they use such FOWL language

Can a turkey jump higher than the Empire State Building?
Yes - a building can't jump at all

If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?
Pilgrims!

Which side of the turkey has the most feathers?
The outside

What did the turkey say before it was roasted?
Boy! I'm stuffed!

Henry

[Henry J]

Musician Jokes

This fellow was a very good harp player and wound up playing a gig in San Francisco, at a pub named Sam Fran's Disco. When his gig was up and he returned home, he found out he had forgotten his harp. When he told his wife he had to go right back, she wanted to know why. He said, "Because I left my harp in Sam Fran's Disco".

Charles

[Henry J]

(Disclaimer: I did not write these, I only stol-- er, copied them.)

1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather -- who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car."
--Author Unknown

2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children."
--Author Unknown

3) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."
--Drew Carey

4) "The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night,drop them off at the wrong house."
--Jeff Foxworthy

5) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base."
--Dave Barry

6) "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, the day before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."
--Bob Ettinger

7) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said,'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'"
--Paula Poundstone

"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: "Duh."
--Conan O'Brien

9) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God.... I could be eating a slow learner."
--Lynda Montgomery

10) "I think that's how Chicago got started. Bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'"
--Richard Jeni

11) "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead."
--Johnny Carson

12) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
--Paul Rodriguez

13) "My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law."
--Jerry Seinfeld

14) "Remember in elementary school, you were told that incase of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?"
--Warren Hutcherson

15) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same."
--Oscar Wilde

16) "Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were amember of Congress... But I repeat myself."
-- Mark Twain


17) "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Afghanistan "
--A. Whitney Brown

18) "You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right!I never would've thought of that!'"
--Dave Barry

19) Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Because "Mad Cow Disease" was taken --Unknown, presumed deceased

20) "Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer."
- W. C. Fields

And lastly: Why the heck should I have to Press 1 for English?

Henry

[Henry J]

Marriage Jokes

Morty was in his usual place in the morning sitting at the table, reading the paper after breakfast. He came across an article about a beautiful actress that was about to marry a football player who was known primarily for his lack of IQ and common knowledge. He turned to his wife with a look of question on his face. "I'll never understand why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives."
His wife replied, "Why thank you, dear!"

Bar & Drinking Jokes

A ghost walks into a bar at midnight, and asks the bartender for a Whisky.
The bartender says " Sorry we don't serve spirits after 11"

Henry

[Henry J]

One Liners Jokes

What did the bee say to the flower?

“Hey bud, when do you open?

Charles

Henry

[Henry J]

A 1st grade school teacher had twenty-six students in her class.
She presented each child in her classroom the 1st half of a well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder
of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading, keep in mind that these are first-graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is a classic!
1. Don't change horses until they stop running.
2. Strike while the bug is close.
3. It's always darkest before Daylight Saving Time.
4. Never underestimate the power of termites.
5. You can lead a horse to water but How?
6. Don't bite the hand that looks dirty.
7. No news is impossible.
8 A miss is as good as a Mr.
9. You can't teach an old dog new Math.
10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll stink in the morning.
11. Love all, trust Me.
12. The pen is mightier than the pigs.
13. An idle mind is the best way to relax.
14. Where there's smoke there's pollution.
15. Happy the bride who gets all the presents.
16. A penny saved is not much.
17. Two's company, three's the Musketeers.
18. Don't put off till tomorrow what you put on to go to bed.
19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and You have to blow your nose.
20. There are none so blind as Stevie Wonder.
21. Children should be seen and not spanked or grounded.
22. If at first you don't succeed get new batteries.
23. You get out of something only what you See in the picture on the box.
24. When the blind lead the blind get out of the way.
25. A bird in the hand is going to poop on you.

And the WINNER and last one!
26. Better late than Pregnant.

Henry

[Henry J]

All I need to know about life I learned from Star Trek

Seek out new life and new civilizations.

Non-interference is the Prime Directive.

Keep your phaser set on stun.

Humans are highly illogical.

There's no such thing as a Vulcan death grip.

Live Long and prosper.

Having is not so pleasing a thing as wanting; it is not logical but it is often true.

Infinite diversity in infinite combinations (IDIC).

Tribbles hate Klingons (and Klingons hate Tribbles).

Enemies are often invisible - like Romulans, they can be cloaked.

Don't put all your ranking officers in one shuttlecraft.

When your logic fails, trust a hunch.

Insufficient data does not compute.

If it can't be fixed, just ask Scotty.

Even in our own worlds, sometimes we are aliens.

When going out into the Universe, remember, "Boldly go where no one has gone before!"

******

Henry

[Henry J]

Tech: Good morning. How may I help you?

Caller: Can you give me the phone number for Jack?

Tech: I'm sorry, sir. I don't understand what you are asking.

Caller: I need the phone number for Jack. On page 5 of the owner's
manual for my Samsung fax machine it tells me before servicing the
device I need to unplug it from the a/c outlet and telephone jack.

Henry

[Henry J]

Thoughts for the day:

Daylight savings time - why are they saving it and where do they keep it?

Question on test: "It's always darkest before ____".
Student's answer: "Daylight Saving Time".

Henry

[Henry J]

What do sea monsters eat?

.
.
.

Fish and ships.

[Henry J]

Silver Wedding Anniversay coming up!!

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At Saint Mary's Catholic Church they have a weekly husband's marriage seminar. At the session last week, the priest asked Luigi, who was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

Luigi replied to the assembled husbands, "Well, I've tried to treat her nice, spend the money on her, but best is that I took-a her to Italy for the 20th anniversary!"

The Priest responded, "Luigi, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary."

Luigi proudly replied, "I'm gonna go and get her."

Henry

[Henry J]

Help Line #3 Reply with quote
.
(this one is not computer related but nonetheless funny)

Caller: Is this the travel service?

Operator: Yes, sir. How may I help you?

Caller: I have been calling your downtown office and it appears that their phone number is not a valid number.

Operator: What number have you been dialing, sir?

Caller: 700-1800

Operator: Where did you get the number, sir?

Caller: It was posted on their door.

Operator: Sir, that is their open hours. Their phone number is . . .
.

Henry