Recycling

[Henry J]

Q. Why does Santa go down the chimney on Christmas rather than through the door?

A. Because it soot’s him!

[lswot]

[Henry J]

NEW STOCK MARKET TERMS

CEO --Chief Embezzlement Officer.
CFO-- Corporate Fraud Officer.
BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.
VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.
P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
BROKER -- What my broker has made me.
STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.
STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.
FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.
MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.
CASH FLOW-- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.
WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.
INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.
PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use.

=

Henry

[Henry J]

*****

Did you hear about the skunk with a big ego?
He wanted to be the scenter of the universe.

*****

Then there was the skunk that joined the army.
He wanted to earn his stripes.

*****

Animal Jokes

A family of skunks was trapped in a thicket, surrounded by a pack of hungry wolves that were edging even closer. The Mother skunk calmly instructed her young: "Quickly children, let's put our heads together!" After they obeyed, forming a circle, she continued, "Now — Let us spray!"

*****

Henry

[lswot]

Eeeeeewwwwww

[Henry J]

That's pew, not ew - as in Pepe Le...

Henry

[brian]

What goes through men's and women's minds when asked "Do you want to go for a drink?":

[Henry J]

******

"Things You Don't Want to Overhear Over an Airline P.A. System"

1. Ocean crossing flight: This is your Captain speaking, I just wanted to take this time to remind you that your seat cushions can be used as floatation devices.

2. Hey folks, were going to play a little game of geography trivia. If you can recognize where we are, tell your flight attendant and receive an extra pack of peanuts.

3. Our loss of altitude allows a unique close up perspective of the local terrain. I assure you that it's all part of our airlines new commitment to make your a flight a sight seeing extravaganza.

4. Goose! Bogey at 2 o'clock.... one on our tail!!!! Eject!!!! Eject!!!!!!!

5. Ummmmmm.... Sorry...... (silence)

6. (As the plane turns around right after takeoff).... uhhhhh.... we have to go back .... we .. we .... uhhhhhh .... forgot something.....

7. I'm sure everyone noticed the loss of an engine, however the reduction in weight and drag will mean we'll be flying much more efficiently now.

8. Fasten your seat belt. (same tone your friend with the suicidal driving tendencies uses when you get in the car)

9. This is your Captain speaking.... these stupid planes are a lot different than the ships I'm used to.. so you'll have to give me some leeway...

10. It would be a good idea if right now everyone closed their shades and watched the in-flight movie.

11. We've now reached our cruising altitude of 20,000 feet and ... Oh noooooooo!!!!!..

12. Don't worry! That one is always on E...

13. Get the parachutes ready...

14. Drinks are on me... or I'll have what the Captain's having...

15. Hey capt'n take another hit man...

******

The above were from files saved on my PC, but let me add one more:

Where'd that flock of geese come from?

Henry

[Henry J]

How to put the spin on.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Judy Wallman, a professional genealogy researcher in southern California, was doing some personal work on her own family tree. She discovered that Harry Reid's great-great uncle, Remus Reid, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889. Both Judy and Harry Reid share this common ancestor

So Judy recently e-mailed Congressman Harry Reid for information about their great-great uncle.

Believe it or not, Harry Reid's staff sent back the following biographical sketch for her genealogy research:

'Remus Reid was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory . His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad. Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years of his life to government service, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad. In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honor when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed.'

Now that is how it's done folks! That's real SPIN.

Henry

[lswot]

[brian]

[lswot]

Kids....

[Henry J]

Thoughts for today (and everyday)

1. If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out.

2. Don't worry about what people think; they don't do it very often.

3. Going to a church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

4. It isn't the jeans that make your butt look fat.

5. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

9. For every action, there is an equal & opposite government program.

10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

12. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel good.

13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway. (Just remember how lucky you were to get a free trip around the sun.)

14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind & narrowness of the waist change places.

18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

19. Junk is something you've kept for years & throw away three weeks before you need it.

20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

22. By the time you can make the ends meet, they move the ends.

23. Thou shall not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

25. If you must choose between two evils, chose the one that you've never tried before.

Henry

[lswot]

Very good.

[Henry J]

One Sunday morning, a mother went in to wake her son and tell him it was time to get ready for church, to which he replied, "I'm not going."

"Why not?" she asked.

"I'll give you two good reasons," he said. "One, they don't like me, and two, I don't like them much either."

His mother replied, "I'll give YOU two good reasons why YOU SHOULD go to church. One, you're 59 years old, and two, you're the pastor!"

Henry