Recycling

Xjmt · Post by **Xjmt** » Sat Aug 09, 2014 3:15 pm

There is something smelly in your carry on!

lswot · Post by **lswot** » Sun Aug 10, 2014 9:04 am

Xjmt wrote:There is something smelly in your carry on!

What he said......

Henry J · Post by **Henry J** » Sun Aug 10, 2014 10:14 am

Just my two scents worth!

Henry J · Post by **Henry J** » Sun Aug 10, 2014 10:16 am

A pastor got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation, "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program."

"The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."

*****

Henry

Henry J · Post by **Henry J** » Mon Aug 11, 2014 6:19 pm

THOTS TO PONDER, or not...

Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?
[Hope he wears goggles!]

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
[Yep!]

You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we have no idea where she is.
[Well let's see. 97 - 60 = 37, 37 * 365 * 5 = OMG, pick an ocean! Ask Gilligan if he's seen her... ]

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
[Nah, the kid would never do that... ]

I'm desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
[In case they failed?]

*****

Henry J · Post by **Henry J** » Tue Aug 12, 2014 6:25 pm

I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.
[Or there is how Niven's Louis Wu character once put it... ]

I'm in shape. Round is a shape.
[Yeah, and it has curves, too!]

I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
[Careful what you wish for?]

I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.
[Picky, picky, picky!]

One out of every three people is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.
[Besides, anybody who sees a psychiatrist must be crazy... ]

*****

Henry

Henry J · Post by **Henry J** » Wed Aug 13, 2014 6:30 pm

I was out walking with my four-year-old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I asked her not to do that.

"Why?"

"Because it's been laying outside and is dirty and probably has germs."

At this point, she looked at me with total admiration and said, "Wow! How do you know all this stuff?"

"Uh," I was thinking quickly, " everyone knows this stuff. Um, it's on the Mommy test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mommy."

"Oh."

We walked along in silence for two or three minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information. "I get it!" she beamed. "Then if you flunk, you have to be the Daddy."

*****

Henry

lswot · Post by **lswot** » Thu Aug 14, 2014 9:45 am

smart kid.

Henry J · Post by **Henry J** » Thu Aug 14, 2014 6:07 pm

There are only eleven times in history where the "F" word has been considered acceptable for use.*

They are as follows:

11. "What the @#$% do you mean we are sinking?"
-- Capt. E.J. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912

10. "What the @#$% was that?"
-- Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945

9. "Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?"
-- Custer, 1877

8. "Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that."
-- Einstein, 1938

7. "It does so @#$%ing look like her!"
-- Picasso, 1926

6. "How the @#$% did you work that out?"
-- Pythagoras, 126 BC

5. "You want WHAT! on the @#$%ing ceiling?"
-- Michelangelo, 1566

4. "Where the @#$% are we?"
-- Amelia Earhart, 1937

3. "Scattered @#$%ing showers, my foot!"
-- Noah, 4314 BC

2. "Aw c'mon. Who the @#$% is going to find out?"
-- Bill Clinton, 1999

and a drum roll............! .....

1. "Geez, I didn't think they'd get this @%#*^ing mad."
-- Sadaam Hussein, 2003

*****

*(Although I do have to wonder, does that include the six of them that were rather unlikely to have been speaking English at the time? what if the equivalent word in their language doesn't start with "F"? Heck, three of those were from before there even was English as we know it. )

*****

Henry J · Post by **Henry J** » Fri Aug 15, 2014 5:05 pm

Q: Did you hear about the "day after" pill for men?

A: It changes their blood type.

*****

When angry, count to four; when very angry, swear.

Mark Twain (1835-1910)

(OK - Shazbot. )

*****

Henry

Henry J · Post by **Henry J** » Sat Aug 16, 2014 9:35 am

Rap is to music what Etch-a-Sketch is to art.

Dyslexics have more fnu.

Entropy isn't what it used to be.

Microbiology Lab: Staph Only!

Eschew obfuscation.

Ground Beef: A Cow With No Legs.

*****

Henry J · Post by **Henry J** » Sun Aug 17, 2014 11:30 am

TRUE FRIENDSHIP

Are you tired of all those sissy, mushy "friendship" poems that always sound good but never actually come close to reality? Well, here is a series of promises that really speaks to true friendship!

When you are sad... I will get you drunk and will help you plot revenge against the sorry devil who made you sad.

When you are blue... I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

When you smile... I'll know you finally got some.

When you are scared... I will rag you about it every chance I get.

When you are worried... I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and to quit whining.

When you are confused... I will use little words to explain it to your dumb butt.

When you are sick... stay away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.

When you fall... I will point and laugh at your clumsy butt.

*****

Henry

Henry J · Post by **Henry J** » Mon Aug 18, 2014 6:15 pm

186,000 miles/sec: Not just a good idea, it's the LAW.

A waist is a terrible thing to mind.

Air Pollution is a "mist-demeaner."

Anything free is worth what you pay for it.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

COLE'S LAW: Thinly sliced cabbage.

*****

Henry J · Post by **Henry J** » Tue Aug 19, 2014 6:30 pm

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Editing is a rewording activity.

Everyone is entitled to my opinion.

Help stamp out and eradicate superfluous redundancy.

I used to be indecisive; now I'm not sure.

No sense being pessimistic. It wouldn't work anyway.

*****

Henry

Henry J · Post by **Henry J** » Wed Aug 20, 2014 6:07 pm

Did you hear about the woman who started dating rakes and fell on hard tines?

*****
Why won't melons elope in Las Vegas? They cantaloupe.

*****

The Show Place

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