Recycling

Henry J · Post by **Henry J** » Mon Sep 01, 2014 9:50 am

His wife was in labor with their first child. Things were going pretty well when suddenly she shouted, "Shouldn't, couldn't, wouldn't, didn't, can't!"
"Doctor", what's wrong with my wife?" he asked.
"She's having contractions, silly."

*****

Baby Jokes

A married couple rushed to the hospital because the woman was in labor the doctor asked the couple, "I have invented a new machine that you might want to try, it takes some of the labor pains away from the mother and gives it to the father." So the married couple decided that they would try this. So the doctor hooked the machine up and put it on 10% of pain switched from the mother to the father and the husband said "I feel okay turn it up a lot more" so the doctor turned it up to 50% and the husband said "why don’t you just put it all on me cause I’m not feeling a thing" but the doctor warned them "this much could kill you if your not prepared", and the husband replied "I am ready "so the doctor turned the machine up to 100% but the husband didn’t fell a thing so they went home happy with a pain free labor, but when they got home the mailman was dead on the front porch!

*****

Henry

Henry J · Post by **Henry J** » Tue Sep 02, 2014 7:10 pm

Whether outwardly or inwardly, whether in space or time, the farther we penetrate the unknown, the vaster and more marvelous it becomes.

Charles A. Lindbergh - Autobiography of Values

*****
Vern was complaining over his high insurance premiums because of his age and being a bachelor.

"If you got married," teased his buddy Dick, "The premium would be lower."

Vern smiled, "That would be like buying an airline just to get free peanuts."

*****

Henry

Henry J · Post by **Henry J** » Wed Sep 03, 2014 7:12 pm

Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on a lonesome Texas prairie, each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous. A night of tall tales begins.

The first one says, "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground by the horns with my bare hands."

The second cowboy can't stand to be bested. "Why that's nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen-foot rattlesnake slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit its head off and sucked the poison down in one gulp. And I'm still here today."

The third cowboy remained silent, silently stirring the coals with his hands.

*****

lswot · Post by **lswot** » Thu Sep 04, 2014 11:14 am

Silence is golden

Henry J · Post by **Henry J** » Thu Sep 04, 2014 6:13 pm

While stationed in Washington, D.C., this man used Arlington National Cemetery as a shortcut on his way to give a briefing at Fort Myer. To his surprise he encountered a roadblock manned by the military police. An MP approached him and said in a stern voice, "Are you supposed to be here?"

Unsure of what to say, he replied, "Not yet." The MP held back a smile and waved him on.

*****
Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?

H. M. Warner (1881-1958) , Founder of Warner Brothers, in 1927

*****

Henry

Henry J · Post by **Henry J** » Fri Sep 05, 2014 6:18 pm

You have heard many things of that great sword Excalibur but have you ever heard of its Irish cousin Excalibrogue? Now unlike his cousin Excalibur, Excalibrogue was a singing sword.

The sword was taken up by the future king of Ireland. As in his cousin's tale, Excalibrogue led his bearer Aaron to many great victories. Unfortunately for history's sake one night Aaron left the sword too close to the fire.

After that Excalibrogues song was off key and things started going wrong for poor Aaron. He lost his army. He lost his castles. Finally the devil himself came and stole his last cent.

Aaron turned to the sword and begged for answers.

The sword said. "You should have known there'd be hell to pay ... when I lost my temper."

*****

Henry

Henry J · Post by **Henry J** » Sat Sep 06, 2014 8:45 am

The lil' Yuppy was shopping in an upscale pet center. "I want a dog of which I can be proud." she told the salesman. "Does that one have a good pedigree?"

"Miss," declared the clerk, "if she could speak, she wouldn't talk to either one of us."

*****

Henry

Henry J · Post by **Henry J** » Sun Sep 07, 2014 2:25 pm

*****
THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR DURING SURGERY

~ Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.

~ Someone call the janitor. We're going to need a mop. [Now, now. Let's keep it clean]

~ Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad dog!

~ Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?

~ Hand me that, uh, that uh, thingie.

~ Oh no! I just lost my Rolex. [I don't have time for this one!]

~ Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?

~ Darn, there go the lights again...

~ Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Heck, this guy's got two of 'em.

~ Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens! [Oh, I see!]

~ Could you stop that thing from beating? It's throwing my concentration off.

~ What's this doing here?

~ I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.

~ That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?!

~ I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses.

~ Well folks, this will be an experiment for us all.

~ Sterile, shcmerile. The floor's clean, right?

~ Anyone see where I left that scalpel?

~ And now we remove the subject's brain and place it in the body of the ape.

~ Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness.

~ Okay, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.

~ Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?

~ Don't worry. I think it's sharp enough.

~ What do you mean you want a divorce!

~ She's gonna blow! Everybody take cover!!!

~ FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out now!!

~ Dang! Page 47 of the manual is missing!

*****

Henry J · Post by **Henry J** » Mon Sep 08, 2014 6:20 pm

*****
Here are some conversations that airline passengers normally will never hear. The following are accounts of actual exchanges between airline pilots and control towers around the world.

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
=====================
"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
"Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
=====================
From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm friggin' bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was friggin' bored, not friggin' stupid!"
=====================
O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight."
=====================

To be continued...

Henry J · Post by **Henry J** » Tue Sep 09, 2014 6:17 pm

Continued...

=====================
A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."
=====================
There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked." Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down.
"Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."
=====================
Taxiing down the tarmac, a DC-10 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What, exactly, was the problem?"
"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant. "It took us a while to find a new pilot."

[Say what? Say what? ]

=====================

To be continued...

Henry J · Post by **Henry J** » Wed Sep 10, 2014 6:41 pm

Continued...

=====================
A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following: Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."
=====================
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."
=====================
One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."
=====================

To be continued...

Henry J · Post by **Henry J** » Thu Sep 11, 2014 7:24 pm

Continued...

=====================
While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking:

"Wasn't I married to you once?"

=====================

De plane! De plane!

Henry J · Post by **Henry J** » Fri Sep 12, 2014 5:59 pm

"I'm sorry I ever invented the Electoral College."

Al Gore

*****
Saw this one in the men's room at a freeway rest area. It was mounted over the electric hot air hand dryer:

"To hear Bush's next speech, Press button.

*****
Then there was an airline pilot who said to expect turbulence over Washington due to rising currents of hot air. He said that happens a lot over Washington.

*****

Henry J · Post by **Henry J** » Sat Sep 13, 2014 9:40 am

A man goes to his doctor and says, "I don't think my wife's hearing is as good as it used to be. What should I do?"

The doctor replies, "Try this test to find out for sure. When your wife is in the kitchen doing dishes, stand fifteen feet behind her and ask her a question, if she doesn't respond keep moving closer asking the question until she hears you."

The man goes home and sees his wife preparing dinner. He stands fifteen feet behind her and says, "What's for dinner, honey?"

He gets no response, so he moves to ten feet behind her and asks again.

Still no response, so he moves to five feet. Again, no answer.

Finally he stands directly behind her and says, "Honey, what's for supper?"

She replies, "For the fourth time, I SAID CHICKEN!"

*****

(And remember, a chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion. )

Henry

Henry J · Post by **Henry J** » Sun Sep 14, 2014 11:52 am

A guy was invited to an old friend's home for dinner. His buddy preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.

The guy was impressed since he knew the couple had been married almost 70 years, and while the wife was off in the kitchen he said to his buddy, "I think it's wonderful that after all the years you've been married, you still call your wife those pet names."

His buddy hung his head. "To tell you the truth, I forgot her name about ten years ago."

*****

Henry

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Recycling

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