Recycling
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lswot
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Gee.....ya think? Obviously the source of said mail....thinks we don't....think, that is. We have no minds of our own and wait with baited breath for someone to tell us how to vote.
lswoteccl 2:13
"A Government big enough to give you every thing you want, is big enough to take away every thing you have."
......Thomas Jefferson......
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Xjmt
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- Location:Ohio
Re: Recycling
No one ever said 'I'm waiting for some more political ads to decide who to vote for'.lswot wrote:Gee.....ya think? Obviously the source of said mail....thinks we don't....think, that is. We have no minds of our own and wait with baited breath for someone to tell us how to vote.
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Henry J
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- Location:Colorado
Re: Recycling
Especially those of us what stuffed the ballot in a drop box several days ago! 
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Henry J
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- Location:Colorado
*****
Villagers Sorry Their Ancestors Ate British Missionary
Copyright 2003 by The Associated Press. All rights reserved.
SUVA, Fiji -- Residents of a remote village in the Pacific island nation of Fiji are apologizing -- again -- for their cannibal ancestors' decision to eat a British missionary.
The villagers want to break a curse they say dates back to July 1867, when their cannibal forefathers dined on the Reverend Thomas Baker, a Methodist missionary from England. All that remained of Baker were his leather boots, which the cannibals also tried to eat, thinking they were part of the missionary.
Village residents have offered numerous apologies in the past, but they still have no electricity and no passable road leading out of the jungle.
The last time they apologized was in 1993, when villagers presented the Methodist Church of Fiji with Baker's overcooked and slightly chewed boots.
*****
(Sounds like the missionary position can have its drawbacks, huh?)
Villagers Sorry Their Ancestors Ate British Missionary
Copyright 2003 by The Associated Press. All rights reserved.
SUVA, Fiji -- Residents of a remote village in the Pacific island nation of Fiji are apologizing -- again -- for their cannibal ancestors' decision to eat a British missionary.
The villagers want to break a curse they say dates back to July 1867, when their cannibal forefathers dined on the Reverend Thomas Baker, a Methodist missionary from England. All that remained of Baker were his leather boots, which the cannibals also tried to eat, thinking they were part of the missionary.
Village residents have offered numerous apologies in the past, but they still have no electricity and no passable road leading out of the jungle.
The last time they apologized was in 1993, when villagers presented the Methodist Church of Fiji with Baker's overcooked and slightly chewed boots.
*****
(Sounds like the missionary position can have its drawbacks, huh?)
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Xjmt
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- Location:Ohio
Re: Recycling
I'm not sure if that's supposed to be funny or not. What's a 'drop box'? And why would anyone want to 'stuff' their ballot in one?Henry J wrote:Especially those of us what stuffed the ballot in a drop box several days ago!
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Henry J
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Re: Recycling
It resembles a mailbox, but by using it instead of a mailbox no postage is required. It's in front of a county office building.Xjmt wrote:I'm not sure if that's supposed to be funny or not. What's a 'drop box'? And why would anyone want to 'stuff' their ballot in one?Henry J wrote:Especially those of us what stuffed the ballot in a drop box several days ago!
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Henry J
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- Location:Colorado
*****
After Halloween jokes...Thanks Sue!
Q: What do you get when you divide the circumference of a jack-o-lantern by its diameter?
A: Pumpkin Pi.
Q: How do you make a witch stew?
A: Keep her waiting for hours.
Q: How do ghosts begin their letters?
A: "Tomb it may concern..."
Q: What happened to the guy who couldn't keep up payments to his exorcist?
A: He was repossessed.
Q: What do you call a person who puts rat poison in a person's Corn Flakes?
A: A cereal killer
Q: How do you mend a broken Jack-o-lantern?
A: With a pumpkin patch.
Q: Why are there fences around cemeteries?
A: Because people are dying to get in.
Q: What do you get when you cross Dracula with Sleeping Beauty?
A: Tired blood.
Q: Why was the mummy so tense?
A: He was all wound up.
Q: How do you know if a ghost is lying?
A: You can see right through him.
Q: How is a werewolf like a computer?
A: They both have megabytes.
Q: Why don't witches like to ride their brooms when they're angry?
A: They're afraid of flying off the handle.
Q: Where do ghosts go on vacation?
A: Lake Erie.
Q: How can you tell when a window is scared?
A: They get shudders.
Q: Why didn't the skeleton dance at the Halloween party?
A: It had no body to dance with.
Q: What do you say to a ghost with three heads?
A: Hello, hello, hello.
Q: When does a skeleton laugh?
A: When something tickles his funny bone.
Q: Why is a ghost such a messy eater?
A: Because he's always a goblin.
Q: What happens when a ghost gets lost in a fog?
A: He's mist.
Q: What do you call a ghost with a broken leg?
A: Hoblin Goblin.
Q: What do you get when you cross a were-wolf with a drip-dry suit?
A: A wash-and-werewolf.
Q: What is a vampires favorite mode of transportation?
A: A blood vessel.
Q: What do you call a skeleton who refuses to help around the house?
A: Lazybones
Q: Why did Dracula take cold medicine?
A: To stop his coffin
*****
Henry
After Halloween jokes...Thanks Sue!
Q: What do you get when you divide the circumference of a jack-o-lantern by its diameter?
A: Pumpkin Pi.
Q: How do you make a witch stew?
A: Keep her waiting for hours.
Q: How do ghosts begin their letters?
A: "Tomb it may concern..."
Q: What happened to the guy who couldn't keep up payments to his exorcist?
A: He was repossessed.
Q: What do you call a person who puts rat poison in a person's Corn Flakes?
A: A cereal killer
Q: How do you mend a broken Jack-o-lantern?
A: With a pumpkin patch.
Q: Why are there fences around cemeteries?
A: Because people are dying to get in.
Q: What do you get when you cross Dracula with Sleeping Beauty?
A: Tired blood.
Q: Why was the mummy so tense?
A: He was all wound up.
Q: How do you know if a ghost is lying?
A: You can see right through him.
Q: How is a werewolf like a computer?
A: They both have megabytes.
Q: Why don't witches like to ride their brooms when they're angry?
A: They're afraid of flying off the handle.
Q: Where do ghosts go on vacation?
A: Lake Erie.
Q: How can you tell when a window is scared?
A: They get shudders.
Q: Why didn't the skeleton dance at the Halloween party?
A: It had no body to dance with.
Q: What do you say to a ghost with three heads?
A: Hello, hello, hello.
Q: When does a skeleton laugh?
A: When something tickles his funny bone.
Q: Why is a ghost such a messy eater?
A: Because he's always a goblin.
Q: What happens when a ghost gets lost in a fog?
A: He's mist.
Q: What do you call a ghost with a broken leg?
A: Hoblin Goblin.
Q: What do you get when you cross a were-wolf with a drip-dry suit?
A: A wash-and-werewolf.
Q: What is a vampires favorite mode of transportation?
A: A blood vessel.
Q: What do you call a skeleton who refuses to help around the house?
A: Lazybones
Q: Why did Dracula take cold medicine?
A: To stop his coffin
*****
Henry
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Henry J
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- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
- Location:Colorado
During a trial, in a small Missouri town, the local prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand. She was sworn in, asked if she would tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, on the Bible, so help her God.
The witness was a proper well-dressed elderly lady, the Grandmother type, well spoken and poised.
The prosecuting attorney approached the woman and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?'" She
responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, cheat on your wife, manipulate people and talk badly about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the sense to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper-pushing shyster." "Yes, I know you quite well."
The lawyer was stunned. He couldn't even think for a few minutes. Then, slowly backed away, fearing the looks on the judge and jurors' faces, not to mention the court reporter who documented every word. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?" She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, has a bad drinking problem. The man can't build or keep a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. Yes, I know him."
The defense attorney almost fainted and was seen slipping downward in his chair, looking at the floor. Laughter mixed with gasps, thundered throughout the courtroom and the audience was on the verge of chaos.
At this point, the judge brought the courtroom to silence, called both counselors to the bench, and in a very quiet voice said, "If either of you morons asks her if she knows me, you're going to jail."
Molly
*****
The witness was a proper well-dressed elderly lady, the Grandmother type, well spoken and poised.
The prosecuting attorney approached the woman and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?'" She
responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, cheat on your wife, manipulate people and talk badly about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the sense to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper-pushing shyster." "Yes, I know you quite well."
The lawyer was stunned. He couldn't even think for a few minutes. Then, slowly backed away, fearing the looks on the judge and jurors' faces, not to mention the court reporter who documented every word. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?" She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, has a bad drinking problem. The man can't build or keep a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. Yes, I know him."
The defense attorney almost fainted and was seen slipping downward in his chair, looking at the floor. Laughter mixed with gasps, thundered throughout the courtroom and the audience was on the verge of chaos.
At this point, the judge brought the courtroom to silence, called both counselors to the bench, and in a very quiet voice said, "If either of you morons asks her if she knows me, you're going to jail."
Molly
*****
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lswot
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- Joined:Sun Aug 31, 2003 11:53 am
- Location:California
Re: Recycling
Those last two were very funny 
lswoteccl 2:13
"A Government big enough to give you every thing you want, is big enough to take away every thing you have."
......Thomas Jefferson......
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Xjmt
- Tv Watcher
- Posts:13815
- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 6:13 am
- Location:Ohio
Re: Recycling
Heard the last one before but it still cracked me up!lswot wrote:Those last two were very funny
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Henry J
- Tv Watcher
- Posts:17968
- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
- Location:Colorado
An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps. "Where would you like to sit?" he asked politely.
"The front row please," she answered.
"You really don't want to do that," the usher said. "The pastor is really boring."
"Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired.
"No," he said.
"I'm the pastor's mother," she replied indignantly.
"Do you know who I am?" he asked.
"No," she said.
"Good," he answered.
*****
"The front row please," she answered.
"You really don't want to do that," the usher said. "The pastor is really boring."
"Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired.
"No," he said.
"I'm the pastor's mother," she replied indignantly.
"Do you know who I am?" he asked.
"No," she said.
"Good," he answered.
*****
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Henry J
- Tv Watcher
- Posts:17968
- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
- Location:Colorado
*****
A piece of string walked into a bar and said, "Barkeep! Give me a whiskey!" The bartender looked the piece of string up and down and replied, "We don't serve your kind in here." The piece of string left.
The next day, the piece of string walked into the same bar and said, "Barkeep! Give me a whiskey!" The bartender scowled and said, "I told you before, we don't serve strings here! Be on your way."
The piece of string went outside, contorted and entangled himself over, under, around and through, then fluffed up his ends. He walked back into the bar and said, "A whiskey kind Sir, if you please."
The bartender looked suspiciously at him and asked, "Aren't you that piece of string that I've kicked out of here before?"
The string replied, "No, I'm a frayed knot."
*****
Henry
A piece of string walked into a bar and said, "Barkeep! Give me a whiskey!" The bartender looked the piece of string up and down and replied, "We don't serve your kind in here." The piece of string left.
The next day, the piece of string walked into the same bar and said, "Barkeep! Give me a whiskey!" The bartender scowled and said, "I told you before, we don't serve strings here! Be on your way."
The piece of string went outside, contorted and entangled himself over, under, around and through, then fluffed up his ends. He walked back into the bar and said, "A whiskey kind Sir, if you please."
The bartender looked suspiciously at him and asked, "Aren't you that piece of string that I've kicked out of here before?"
The string replied, "No, I'm a frayed knot."
*****
Henry
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lswot
- Tv Watcher
- Posts:13710
- Joined:Sun Aug 31, 2003 11:53 am
- Location:California
Re: Recycling
Groan...... 
lswoteccl 2:13
"A Government big enough to give you every thing you want, is big enough to take away every thing you have."
......Thomas Jefferson......
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Henry J
- Tv Watcher
- Posts:17968
- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
- Location:Colorado
Re: Recycling
Take two acetylsalicylic acids...
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Henry J
- Tv Watcher
- Posts:17968
- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
- Location:Colorado
*****
Question : How many forumusers does it take to change a light bulb?
Answer:
1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs
27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs
53 to flame the spell checkers
41 to correct spelling/grammar flames
6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as anal-retentive
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"
15 know-it-alls who claim *they* were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct
156 to email the participant's ISPs complaining that they are in violation of their "acceptable use policy"
109 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum
203 to demand that cross posting to hardware forum, off-topic forum, and lightbulb forum about changing light bulbs be stopped
111 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts *are* relevant to this forum
306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty
27 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs
14 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's
3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group
33 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"
12 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy
19 to quote the "Me too's" to say "Me three"
4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ
44 to ask what is a "FAQ"
4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"
143 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Anne
*****
Question : How many forumusers does it take to change a light bulb?
Answer:
1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs
27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs
53 to flame the spell checkers
41 to correct spelling/grammar flames
6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as anal-retentive
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"
15 know-it-alls who claim *they* were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct
156 to email the participant's ISPs complaining that they are in violation of their "acceptable use policy"
109 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum
203 to demand that cross posting to hardware forum, off-topic forum, and lightbulb forum about changing light bulbs be stopped
111 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts *are* relevant to this forum
306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty
27 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs
14 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's
3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group
33 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"
12 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy
19 to quote the "Me too's" to say "Me three"
4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ
44 to ask what is a "FAQ"
4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"
143 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Anne
*****