Recycling

[Xjmt]

[Henry J]

*****
There once was a family of four skunks. A Mother skunk, a Father skunk and two identical twin baby skunks named Inskunk and Outskunk.

Their parents named them as such because the only way they could tell one from the other was to keep Inskunk inside all the time and Outskunk outside continually except at meal time.

When being fed, Inskunk would be inside to eat and when done Inskunk would go out and Outskunk would come in to eat. After eating Outskunk would go back outside and Inskunk would come back in.

They followed this ritual daily to avoid confusion. One day Mother skunk had to go in to town and left Father skunk to look after Inskunk and Outskunk. As she was leaving she reminded Father skunk not to mix up the two as the last time it took a week to sort out which was which.

Father skunk just replied, "Don't worry dear. I can tell them apart." So off she went. When lunch time arrived Father skunk let Outskunk in to eat without letting Inskunk outside. Mother skunk just happened to come home at that time and was shocked!

"I can't believe you mixed them up again!", she screamed.

Father skunk replied, "They're not mixed up, This is Inskunk and over there is Outskunk!."

Mother Skunk inquired, "How can you be so sure that that is Inskunk and that one is Outskunk?"

"Simple!", said Father Skunk, "Instincts!"

*****

(Hey, I didn't write it, I just copy/pasted it! )

*****

But, as one religious skunk said to the other -

Let us spray.

*****

And as the judge said when a skunk wondered into the courtroom - "Odor in the court!"

Henry

[Henry J]

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme stuff.....
..............why didn't he just buy dinner?

If corn oil is made from corn...
.........and vegetable oil is made from vegetables...
...........then what is baby oil made from...?

(Not to mention girl scout cookies.)

*****

[Henry J]

--------------------
WAKE UP YOUR BRAIN

1. How can you arrange for two people to stand on the same piece of newspaper and yet be unable to touch each other without stepping off the newspaper?

2. How many 3-cent stamps are there in a dozen?

3. A rope ladder hangs over the side of a ship. The rungs are one foot apart and the ladder is 12 feet long. The tide is rising at four inches an hour. How long will it take before the first four rungs of the ladder are underwater?

4. Which would you rather have, a trunk full of nickels or a trunk half full of dimes?

5. Steve has three piles of sand and Mike has four piles of sand. If they put them all together, how many do they have?

6. In which sport are the shoes made entirely of metal?

7. If the Vice President of the United States should die, who would be President?

8. How can you throw a golf ball with all your might and--without hitting a wall or any other obstruction--have the ball stop and come right back to you?

9. Find the English word that can be formed from all these letters: PNLLEEEESSSSS


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ANSWERS:

1. Slide the newspaper half way under a closed door and ask the two people to stand on the bit of newspaper on their side of the door.

2. There are twelve (not four).

3. Actually, the ladder will rise with the ship!

4. Dimes are smaller than nickels, so choose the dimes!

5. If they put them all together, there will be one pile.

6. Horse racing.

7. The President.

8. Throw the ball straight up.

9. Sleeplessness

--------------------

[Henry J]

Politically correct cat definition

My cat does not barf hairballs; he is a floor/rug re-decorator.

My cat does not break things; she helps gravity do its job.

My cat does not fear dogs; they are merely sprint practice tools.

My cat does not gobble; she eats with alacrity.

My cat does not scratch; he is a furniture/rug/skin ventilator.

My cat does not yowl; he is singing off-key.

My cat is not a "shedding machine;" she is a hair relocation stylist.

My cat is not a "treat-seeking missile;" she enjoys the proximity of food.

My cat is not a bed hog; he is a mattress appreciator.

My cat is not a chatterbox; she is advising me on what to do next.

My cat is not a dope addict; she is catnip appreciative.

My cat is not a lap fungus; he is bed selective.

My cat is not a pest; she is attention deprived.

My cat is not a ruthless hunter; she is a wildlife control expert.

My cat is not evil; she is badness enhanced.

My cat is not fat; he is mass enhanced.

My cat is not hydrophobic; she has an inability to appreciate moisture.

My cat is not lazy; he is motivationally challenged.

My cat is not underfoot; she is shepherding me to my next destination, the food dish.

*****

SCAT!

[lswot]

[Xjmt]

[Henry J]

Can you guess which of the following are true and which are false?

1. Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.

2. Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a belly button.

3. A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2 teeth every 10 years.

4. People do not get sick from cold weather; it's from being indoors a lot more.

5. When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop, even your heart!

6. Only 7 per cent of the population are lefties.

7. Forty people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every minute.

8. Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until they are 2-6 years old.

9. The average person over 50 will have spent 5 years waiting in lines.

10. The toothbrush was invented in 1498.

(About #7 - a person who gets bitten every minute needs more than just a hospital! And this says there are forty such people! )

To be continued...

*****

[Henry J]

11. The average housefly lives for one month.

12. 40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year.

13. A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened.

14. The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute.

15. Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than any other time of day.

16. Most of us have eaten a spider in our sleep.

17. The REAL reason ostriches stick their head in the sand is to search for water.

18. The only two animals that can see behind themselves without turning their heads are the rabbit and the parrot.

19. John Travolta turned down the starring roles in "An Officer and a Gentleman" and "Tootsie."

(About #12 - when you gotta go you gotta go? )
(About #11 - Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield. )

To be continued...

*****

[Henry J]

20. Michael Jackson owns the rights to the South Carolina State anthem.

21. In most television commercials advertising milk, a mixture of white paint and a little thinner is used in place of the milk.

22. Prince Charles and Prince William NEVER travel on the same airplane, just in case there is a crash.

23. The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in 1903 used a tomato can for a carburetor.

24. Most hospitals make money by selling the umbilical cords cut from women who give birth. They are used in vein transplant surgery.

25. Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana. They were 7th cousins.

26. If coloring weren't added to Coca-Cola, it would be green.

They are all true. Now go back and think about #16

--------------------
Roger Stegman

*****

Re 21 - got milk? Let us re-thin this, and paint no more.

Re 23 - so that it could ketchup with the other traffic?

Re 26 - guess they decided it wasn't easy being green.

Now as for #16 - where's Peter Parker when you need him?

*****

Henry

[Xjmt]

21. In most television commercials advertising milk, a mixture of white paint and a little thinner is used in place of the milk.

Around the turn of the century (late 1800s to early 1900s) In NYC and other places I'd imagine people/immigrants were sold spoiled mile laced with turpentine to cover the odor of the bad milk. So much for 'free' capitalism without government oversight.

[Henry J]

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Subject: Hillbilly Etiquete

1. Never take a beer to a job interview - any job worth having will already have it stocked.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them
3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered rude to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

DINING OUT
1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table... no matter how good his manners are.

PERSONAL HYGIENE
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days, however if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of her finger foods.

(To be continued... )

*****

[Henry J]

Continued...

DATING (Outside the Family)
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATER ETIQUETTE
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

WEDDINGS
1. Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cumberbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

--------------------
Roger Stegman

*****

Henry

[Henry J]

--------------
If you remember the Original Hollywood Squares and its comics, this may bring tears to your eyes. These great questions and answers are from the days when "Hollywood Squares" game show responses were spontaneous and clever, not scripted and (often) dull, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No; wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is their anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

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Henry

[lswot]

That post brought back a few memories. Really liked that show....