Recycling

[Henry J]

Temporal mechanics?

[lswot]

*sigh*

[Henry J]

--------------------
If Dr. Seuss wrote for Star Trek (TNG)
(author unknown)
Picard
Sigma Indri, that's the star,
So, Data, please, how far? How far?
Data
Our ship can get there very fast
But still the trip will last and last
We'll have two days til we arrive
But can the Indrans there survive?
Picard
LaForge, please give us factor nine.
LaForge
But, sir, the engines are offline!
Picard
Offline! But why? I want to go!
Please make it so, please make it so!
Riker
But sir, if Geordi says we can't,
We can't, we mustn't, and we shan't,
The danger here is far too great!
Picard
But surely we must not be late!
Troi
I'm sensing anger and great ire.
Computer
Alert! Alert! The ship's on fire!
Picard:
The ship's on fire? How could this be?
Who lit the fire?
Riker
Not me.
Worf
Not me.
Picard
Computer, how long til we die?
Computer
Eight minutes left to say goodbye.
Data
May I suggest a course to take?
We could, I think, quite safely make
Extinguishers from tractor beams
And stop the fire, or so it seems...
Geordi
Hurray! Hurray! You've saved the day!
Again I say, Hurray! Hurray!
Picard
Mr. Data, thank you much.
You've saved our lives, our ship, and such.
Troi
We still must save the Indran planet --
Data
Which (by the way) is made of granite...
Picard
Enough, you android. Please desist.
We understand -- we get your gist.
But can we get our ship to go?
Please, make it so, PLEASE make it so.
Geordi
There's sabotage among the wires
And that's what started all the fires.
Riker
We have a saboteur? Oh, no!
We need to go! We need to go!
Troi
We must seek out the traitor spy
And lock him up and ask him why?
Worf
Ask him why? How sentimental.
I say give him problems dental.
Troi
Are any Romulan ships around?
Have scanners said that they've been found?
Or is it Borg or some new threat
We haven't even heard of yet?
I sense no malice in this crew.
Now what are we supposed to do?
Crusher
Captain, please, the Indrans need us.
They cry out, "Help us, clothe us, feed us!"
I can't just sit and let them die!
A doctor MUST attempt -- MUST try!
Picard
Doctor, please, we'll get there soon.
Crusher
They may be dead by Tuesday noon.
*COMMERCIAL BREAK, COMMERCIAL BREAK
HOW LONG WILL THESE DUMB ADS TAKE?*
Worf
The saboteur is in the brig.
He's very strong and very big.
I had my phaser set on stun --
A zzzip! A zzzap! Another one!
He would not budge, he would not fall,
He would not stun, no, not at all!
He changed into a stranger form
All soft and purple, round and warm.
Picard
Did you see this, Mr. Worf?
Did you see this creature morph?
Worf
I did and then I beat him fairly.
Hit him on the jaw -- quite squarely.
Riker
My commendations, Klingon friend!
Our troubles now are at an end!
Crusher
Now let's get our ship to fly
And orbit yonder Indran sky!
Picard
LaForge, please tell me we can go...?
Geordi
Yes, sir, we can.
Picard
Then make it so!
THE END

--------------------

Henry

[Henry J]

Did you hear the one about "Ole talks with God"?

Ole was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.

Looking up toward heaven, he said, "Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place, I will go to church every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up strong drink."

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Ole looked up again and said, "Never mind. I found one!"

*****

Henry

[Xjmt]

[Henry J]

A Cat In Heaven

One day, a cat died of natural causes and went to Shinning Isle, where she met the Goddess, Mother of all things.

The Lady said to the cat, "Daughter of Bast, if there is any way I can make your stay in Summerlands more pleasant, please let me know."

The cat thought for a moment and said, "Gracious Lady, I have had good life, the humans I lived with were loving to me, but they were a poor family, and I had to sleep on a hard wooden floor."

The Queen of the Shinning Isle smiled, and a soft, fully pillow appeared in snuggly catbox.

A few days later, six mice were killed in a tragic farming accident, and all of them went to the afterlife. Again, the Gracious Goddess who gives joy was there to greet the little mice. She asked them if there was any thing they wished. The mice answered all at once, squeeking, Skates! Skates! We want rollerskates! We've been chased and terrorized by dogs, owls, women with brooms, cats, farm equipment! Running, running, running; we're tired of running. We want skates!"

Somewhat amused, the Goddess answered, "If you wish." Each mouse was fitted instantly with beautiful new roller skates.

About a week later, it pleased the Goddess to walk among the trees of the orchard on the Shining Isle. She passed by the snuggly cat box and found the tabby snoozing on the pillow.

The Lady gently wakes the cat and asks her, "How are things since you got here?"

The cat stretched and yawned, then replied, "It is wonderful here." Purring happily, she continued, "Better than I could have ever expected. And those 'Meals On Wheels' you've been sending by are the best!"

*****

( Meow. SQUEEK! )

[lswot]

Oh.....and I like the "Make is so" rhyme.....

[Henry J]

------------------------------------------
Happily Addicted to the Web
---------------------------
(to the tune of "Winter Wonderland")

Doorbell rings, I'm not list'nin',
From my mouth, drool is glist'nin',
I'm happy--although
My boss let me go--
Happily addicted to the Web.

All night long, I sit clicking,
Unaware time is ticking,
There's beard on my cheek,
Same clothes for a week,
Happily addicted to the Web.

Friends come by; they shake me,
Saying, "Yo, man!
Don't you know tonight's the senior prom?"
With a listless shrug, I mutter, "No, man;
I just discovered letterman-dot-com!"

I don't phone, don't send faxes,
Don't go out, don't pay taxes,
Who cares if someday
They drag me away?
I'm happily addicted to the Web!

------------------------------------------
The Bill Gates Song
-------------------
(to the tune of "The Christmas Song")

Netscape roasting on an open fire,
Apple begging on its knees,
Photo popping up on Time magazine,
Yes, Bill Gates dreams of days like these!
Everybody knows he's never fully satisfied,
Throws himself behind each task,
World dominion is his company's goal.
Well, hey, is that so much to ask?
He knows the world is in his sway,
We'll buy whatever software he might toss our way,
We'll surf his Internet, watch his TV,
He'll take us anywhere we ask him--for a fee.

And so we're offering this simple prayer,
To Bill and all his MS grunts:
Since we all follow any standard you write,
Make it good, please,
Make it good, please,
Make it good, please, just once!

------------------------------------------

[lswot]

[Henry J]

------------------------------------------
Microsoft
---------
(to the tune of "Jingle Bells" starting with "dashing thru the snow...")

Nine-tenths of a gig,
Biggest ever seen,
God, this program's big--
MS Word 15!
Comes on ten CDs,
And requires--damn!
Word is fine, but jeez--
60 megs of RAM?!

Oh! Microsoft, Microsoft,
Bloatware all the way!
I've sat here installing Word
Since breakfast yesterday!
Oh! Microsoft, Microsoft,
Moderation, please.
Guess you hadn't noticed:
Four-gig drives don't grow on trees!

[Henry J]

------------------------------------------
I'm Dreaming of a Clean System
-------------------------------
(to the tune of "White Christmas")

I'm dreaming of a clean System,
Something that fits on one CD.
Each component matches,
Not bits and patches,
Unlike 7-5-point-3.
I'm longing for a dream System,
Small, stable, fast, and trouble-free.
What we want, I think you'll agree,
Is called System 6-point-oh-3!

------------------------------------------

[Henry J]

------------------------------------------
Prove It's So!
--------------
(to the tune of "Let It Snow")

Oh, the papers say Apple's dying,
But before we start good-byeing,
We should call them all up and go,
"Prove it's so! Prove it's so! Prove it's so!"

They say "Mac OS software's scarcer."
We say, "Read those numbers, there, sir,
Sales continued this year to grow.
There ya go, there ya go, there ya go!"

When they tell us Win 95
Made the Mac's famed advantages ebb,
We'll say, "Why, then, do Macs now drive
60 percent of the Web?"

We can win our PR reversal--
Make the Mac be universal--
Though we may have some years to go,
Make it so, make it so, make it so!

------------------------------------------

[lswot]

You know, my Niece enrolled me for two months to the 'beer of the month' club. (I get twelve a month) Trying to understand all that you are saying (in verse and song, clever) I'm going to have to start in on them .....and maybe then I'll know what you are saying.

[Henry J]

So poetry is in the ear of the beer holder?

[lswot]

SOMEday.....you are not going to have an answer.....