Recycling

[Henry J]

This is an actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment in Florida........
and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!

NAME: ---- ------

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Aries.

----------------------

[Henry J]

1. Why is it called the Minute Waltz when it lasts a minute and 49 seconds?
[Gimme a second for that one]

2. How do you write "zero" in Roman Numerals?
[Immigrate to Arabia?]

3. If you sneeze when you are alone should you "God Bless" yourself?
[Or would that be blasphemy?]

4. With four legs does my dog get twice as much exercise as I do or half as much?
[Yes.]

5. Does the Invisible Man have a picture on his driver's license?
[I haven't seen one]

6. Why doesn't Mona Lisa have eyebrows?
[The artist didn't get a round to it?]

7. Why do fans sing "Take Me Out to the Ballgame" when they are already there?
[Cause they're having a ball?]

8. How can you make a perfect sandwich with round bologna and square bread?
[Cut corners!]

9. If the pen is mightier than the sword and a picture is worth a thousand words, what would a picture of a sword be worth?
[Whatever the pen writes on the check?]

-----

[Henry J]

10. If man evolved from apes and monkeys, why do we still have apes and monkeys?
[What would Tarzan do without them?]

11. How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow signs?
[I have no i deer.]

12. Can my vegan daughter eat animal crackers?
[As long as nobody is looking.]

13. Why does the word "snow" have a "w" in it?
[Enough!]

14. How can a chocolate doughnut get to be a day old?
[Just lucky I guess.]

15. If Police arrest a Mime, do they have to tell him he has the right to remain silent?
[And do they need a cell to hold him, if mimes think there are walls everywhere?]

16. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
[Hush puppies?]

18. If a little knowledge is a dangerous thing what is a lot of ignorance?
[The same thing looked at from a different angle.]

-----

[Henry J]

19. Do they lock gas station bathrooms because they are afraid someone will clean them?
[There is nothing to fear but fear itself!]

20. How did "Keep Off The Grass" signs get there?
[Maybe they were put there before the grass grew?]

21. Why don't we ever see a headline that reads, "psychic Wins Lottery?
[If it's a short psychic on the lam, is it a small medium at large?]

22. Why don't sheep shrink?
[Because they're busy gathering wool. And counting on each other.]

24. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about it?
[Shucks.]

25. What is the speed of darkness?
[In what units?]

26. If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made from the same material?
[Cause passengers don't wanna be stuffed inside a black box?]

27. Why do "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same?
[Because the scale was broken.]

-----

[lswot]

10 and 18 In fact all of them are prettty funny. You made them all up by yourself.....right?

[Henry J]

The commentary in brackets was mine!

[lswot]

Well, yeah.....I figured that.

[Henry J]

Subject: JOD: Job Descriptions

-Forget about your zodiac sign, what's your business sign?

1) MARKETING
You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now.
Least compatible with Sales.

2) SALES
Laziest of all signs, often referred to as "marketing without a degree." You are also self centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid contact with customers so you can "concentrate on the big picture." You seek admiration for your golf game throughout your life.

3) TECHNOLOGY
Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead content to completely control everything that happens at your workplace. Often even YOU don't understand what you are saying but who the hell can tell. It is written that Geeks shall inherit the Earth.

4) ENGINEERING
One of only two signs that actually studied in school. It is said that ninety percent of all Personal Ads are placed by engineers. You can be happy with yourself; your office is full of all the latest "ergodynamic" gadgets. However, we all know what is really causing your "carpal tunnel syndrome."

5) ACCOUNTING
The only other sign that studied in school. You are mostly immune from office politics. You are the most feared person in the organization; combined with your extreme organizational traits, the majority of rumors concerning you say that you are completely insane.

6) HUMAN RESOURCES
Ironically, given your access to confidential information, you tend to be the biggest gossip within the organization. Possibly the only other person that does less work than marketing, you are unable to return any calls today because you have to get a haircut, have lunch AND then mail a letter.

7) MANAGEMENT/MIDDLE MANAGEMENT
Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "Middle Managers" as everyone in you social circle is a "Middle Manager."

8) SENIOR MANAGEMENT
(See above - Same sign, different title)

9) CUSTOMER SERVICE
Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty-cent cab ride from taking your own life. As children very few of you asked your parents for a little cubicle for your room and a headset so you could pretend to play "Customer Service." Continually passed over for promotions, your best bet is to sleep with your manager.

10) CONSULTANT
Lacking any specific knowledge, you use acronyms to avoid revealing your utter lack of experience. You have convinced yourself that your "skills" are in demand and that you could get a higher paying job with any other organization in a heartbeat. You will spend an eternity contemplating these career opportunities without ever taking direct action.

11) RECRUITER, "HEADHUNTER"
As a "person" that profits from the success of others, you are disdained by most people who actually work for a living. Paid on commission and susceptible to alcoholism, your ulcers and frequent heart attacks correlate directly with fluctuations in the stock market.

12) PARTNER, PRESIDENT, CEO
You are either brilliant or lucky. Your inability to figure out complex systems, such as the fax machine, suggests the latter.

13) GOVERNMENT WORKER
Paid to take days off. Government workers are genius inventors, like the invention of new Holidays. They usually suffer from deep depression or anxiety and usually commit serious crimes while on the job. Thus the term "GO POSTAL".

------

[lswot]

14: Retired: Who cares what I retired from.... Just know I'm happy to be retired.

[Henry J]

Retired... is that what you get when the old tires get worn out?

[lswot]

Dang you Henry.......you've got an answer for everything.

Yeah.....Got new tires.....and I'm ready to go......

[Henry J]

My karma ran over your dogma.

A waist is a terrible thing to mind.

Don't say bald - say combing impaired.

Hermits Unite!

Optimistic - even in the face of reality.

Attitudes are the biggest disability.

Sorry, I don't date outside my species.

"Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you just sit there." - Will Rogers

All we are saying is give peas a chance.

Practice random acts of kindness and senseless beauty.

Vusualize whirled peas.

Mend your fuelish ways.

They're not hot flashes: they're power surges.

Eschew obfuscation. [gesundheit!]

Happy dirt pig day!

[lswot]

Dirt Pig Day???

[Henry J]

Ground.

Hog.

[lswot]

.....got me!