Recycling

[Henry J]

A number of years ago there was a proposed merger between Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers. Rumor had it that the new company would be called Fairwell Honeychild.

There is a merger in the works involving Polygraph Records, Warner Brothers and Keebler. It will be called Poly-Warner-Cracker.

There has long been a rumor that W. R. Grace Co. was going to buy the Fuller Brush Co. and Mary Kay Cosmetics and then merge with the Hale Business Systems. This would result in the new mega-corporation Hale Mary Fuller Grace.

Others in the works:
-3M & Goodyear = mmmGood
-John Deere & Abitibi-Price = Deere Abi
-Honeywell & Imasco & Home Oil = Honey, I'm Home
-Denison Mines & Alliance & Metal Mining = Mine, All Mine
-3M & JC Penney & Canadian Opera Company = 3 Penney Opera
-Grey Poupon & Dockers Pants = Poupon Pants
-Knott's Berry Farm & National Organization of Women = Knott NOW
-Crabtree & Evelyn and Apple Computer = Crab Apple
-Swissair & Cheseborough-Ponds = Swisscheese
-Zippo Manufacturing & Audi & Dofasco & Dakota Mining = Zip Audi Do Da

Then there's the new rock group being formed by Ron Wood, Meat Loaf, & Roberta Flack to be called MeatWood Flack

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[Xjmt]

[Henry J]

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets angry, he'll be a mile away - and barefoot.

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[lswot]

"Artificial intelligence" It's also an oxymoron.

[Henry J]

Insufficient Data to analyze that...

[Henry J]

(Picard) 'Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been able to access their command pathways?'

(Geordi) 'Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching through our archives on late Twentieth-century computing technology.'
(Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer screen)

(Riker looks puzzled) 'What the hell is 'Microsoft'?' (Data turns to answer) 'Allow me to explain. We will send this program, for some reason called 'Windows', through the Borg command pathways. Once inside their root command, it will begin consuming system resources at an unstoppable rate.'

(Picard) 'But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they alter their processing systems to increase their storage capacity?'

(Data) 'Yes, Captain. But when 'Windows' detects this, it creates a new version of itself known as an 'upgrade'. The use of resources increases exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not be able to adapt quickly enough. Eventually, all of their processing ability will be taken over and none will be available for their normal operational functions.'

(Picard) 'Excellent work. This is even better than the 'unsolvable geometric shape' idea.'

......15 minutes later.......
(Data) 'Captain, we have successfully installed the 'Windows' in the command unit and as expected it immediately consumed 85% of all resources. We however have not received any confirmation of the expected 'upgrade'.

(Geordi) 'Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage and CPU capacity to compensate, but we still have no indication of an 'upgrade' to compensate for the increase.'

(Picard) 'Data, scan the history banks again and determine if there is something we have missed.'

(Data) 'Sir, I believe there is a reason for the failure in the 'upgrade'. Apparently, the Borg have circumvented that part of the plan by not sending in their registration cards.

(Riker) 'Captain, we have no choice. We should begin evacuation.'

(Geordi, excited) Wait! I just detected their CPU capacity dropped to 0%!'

(Data looks at scanners) Apparently the Borg have found the internal 'Windows' module named 'Solitaire' and it has used up all of their CPU capacity.'

(Geordi) 'As expected, the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to compensate for increased CPU and storage demands, but each time they successfully increase resources, our closest deep space monitor beacon transmits more 'windows' modules from something called 'The Microsoft Fun Pack.'

(Picard) How much time will that buy us?'

(Data) A time span of more than 6 hours, sir.'

(Geordi) 'Captain, another vessel has entered our sector.'

(Picard) 'Identify.'

(Data) 'It appears to have the markings very similar to the 'Microsoft' logo.'

(Over the speakers) 'THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATES OF THE MICROSOFT FLAGSHIP MONOPOLY. WE HAVE POSITIVE CONFIRMATION OF UNREGISTERED SOFTWARE IN THIS SECTOR. SURRENDER. YOU HAVE TEN SECONDS.' (ship releases thousands of humanoid shaped objects towards the Borg cube.)

(Picard) 'My God! They're lawyers! How are they surviving?

(Data) 'They're wearing Armani; I find seeing lawyers odd. They were all hurled into the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening.'

(Riker) 'They're surrounding the ship and covering it will all kinds of papers.'

(Picard) I believe it's called 'red tape'. Turn the viewer off; even the Borg don't deserve that.'

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[Xjmt]

[Henry J]

Only in America... can a pizza get to your house faster that an ambulance...
[It's not delivery, it's de journal! Or something like that.]

Only in America... are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink...
[Cause making exception to the law for that case would complicate it?]

Only in America... do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry and a diet coke...
[Gotta have something to wash it down!]

Only in America... do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters...
[They don't want people writing complaints?]

Only in America... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage...
[It's closer than the attic or the basement!]

Only in America... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place...
[At the sound of the beep, say something. If you don't say something, you won't talk to me.]

Only in America... do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight...
[There are 10 kinds of people; those who grok binary, and those that don't]

Only in America... do we use the word politics to describe the process so well. Poli in latin meaning many and tics meaning blood sucking creatures...
[The problem with elections is that you wind up with somebody who was dumb enough to actually want the job... ]

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[Henry J]

This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland.

Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

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[lswot]

[Henry J]

Yeah, that one was illuminating!

[Henry J]

Subject: Classic Quotes

"I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific."
* Lily Tomlin

"I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was,'You'll never find anyone like me again.'
I'm thinking, I should hope not. If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you?'"
* Larry Miller

"What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them?"
* Marilyn Piton

"When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that someone in the Royal family knew someone in the Royal family?"
* Robin Williams

"A woman broke up with me and sent me pictures of her and her new boyfriend in bed together. Solution?? I sent them to her dad."
* Christopher Case

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[lswot]

Classic!

[Henry J]

Subject: Classic Quotes

"Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."
* Bob Ettinger

"If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either."
* Dick Cavett

"Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat pork. I'm sorry, what was that last one? Don't eat pork? God has spoken. Is that the word of God or is that pigs trying to outsmart everybody?"
* Jon Stewart

"I voted for the Democrats because I didn't like the way the Republicans were running the country. Which is turning out to be like shooting yourself in the head to stop your headache."
* Jack Mayberry

"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh."
* Conan O'Brien

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[lswot]

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