Recycling

[lswot]

"GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy. "

.....and we're still learning.......

[Henry J]

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
1) Growing up is mandatory; growing old is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.

SUCCESS:

At age 4 success is . . not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 16 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 35 success is . . . having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . not peeing in your pants.

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(Hey, I didn't promise it would be tasteful! )

[lswot]

"(Hey, I didn't promise it would be tasteful! )"


Annnd you were right......

[Henry J]

TO ALL THE KIDS WHO WERE BORN BEFORE THE 80's !! (1 of 2)

First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they carried us.

They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes.

Then after that trauma, our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paints.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention the risks we took hitchhiking.

As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.

Riding in the back of a pickup on a warm day was always a special treat.

We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.

We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank soda pop with sugar in it, but we weren't overweight because WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.

No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes.

After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.

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[lswot]

Those were the days......

[Xjmt]

Got a few loopholes there but otherwise...

[Henry J]

TO ALL THE KIDS WHO WERE BORN BEFORE THE 80's !! (2 of 2)

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on cable, no video tape movies, no surround sound, no cell phones, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat rooms... WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.

We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.

We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls and although
we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes.

We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just yelled for them!

Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment.

Imagine that!!

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!

This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever! The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas. We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL! And YOU are one of them! CONGRATULATIONS!

You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers
and the government regulated our lives for our own good. and while you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave their parents were.

Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it?!

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[Henry J]

Physics lesson for today:
COLE'S LAW: Thinly sliced cabbage.

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The Newscripts department of Chemical and Engineering News has asked for examples of vanity auto license plates with chemical words or symbols. One contributor from Colorado remembers seeing BARIUM on the bumper of a hearse.

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[Henry J]

A sweet grandmother telephoned Mount Sinai Hospital. She timidly asked, "is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"

The operator said "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number?"

The grandmother in her weak tremulous voice said, "Holly Finkel, room 302."

The Operator replied, "let me check."

Oh, good news. Her records say that Holly is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged Tuesday."

The Grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you for the good news."

The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Holly your daughter?"

The Grandmother said, "No, I'm Holly Finkel in 302. No one tells me da%# thing!."

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[Henry J]

Subject: FW: Olympic Bloopers
Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators so far during the Summer Olympics that they would like to take back:
1. Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."
2. Dressage commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."
3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."
4. Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious."
5. Softball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."
6. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."
7. At the rowing medal ceremony: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew."
8. Soccer commentator: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."
9. Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh my God, what have I just said?"

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[Xjmt]

[lswot]

Ditto......

...and also

[Henry J]

Did you hear the one about "Ole talks with God"? Maybe it's even been posted here, have only read the last couple of 'funnies'. This joke has been around for awhile I'm sure, but it's 'funny.'

Ole was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.

Looking up toward heaven, he said, "Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place, I will go to church every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up strong drink."

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Ole looked up again and said, "Never mind. I found one!"

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A definition of the term, BAD Judgement... B.A.D. = Best Available Data. In layman's terms??? "Sure seemed like a good idea at the time".

Definition of the term, Expert... Break the word down and it explains itself... First you have an 'X', which is a 'Has Been'. Then you have a SPERT, which is a Drip Under Pressure'...

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[Henry J]

Things your Father might NOT have told you... (1 of 2)

1. We are born Naked, Wet, and Hungry, and then get slapped on the butt. And then things get worse...
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire. When was the last time you checked your oil?
3. Do not walk behind me for I may not lead. Do not walk in front of me for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone...
4. Always remember that You Are Unique. Just like everyone else...
5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
6. If you think that no one cares if you are alive, just try missing a few car payments.
7. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you are a mile away, and you have their shoes.
8. If you lend someone $20 and then never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

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[Henry J]

Things your Father might NOT have told you... (2 of 2)

9. Some days you are the Bug... Some days you are the Windshield...
10. Duct Tape is a lot like the Force (i.e. Star Wars). It has a Light side and a Dark side, and it holds the Universe together.
11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything...
12. There is a fine line between Hobby and Mental Illness.
13. A closed mouth gathers no foot...
14. When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"
15. Good judgement comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgement.
16. It is always darkest before dawn. So if you are going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that is the time to do it.

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